Bound
by A. K. Hunter
Summary: When Alexis and Kevin settle into a real relationship, their love is tested, their trust is broken, and they both learn that it's not so easy to live happily ever after. Sequel to Partnered.
1. Chapter 1

Bound

by

JJS4 and A.K. Hunter

Chapter One

Alexis slipped her new key into the door of her new apartment. She wearily pushed the door open, exhaustion and frustration flowing through her veins. A delicious, savory scent hit her nose as she stepped into her apartment, and her frustration turned into a helpless sort of guilt.

"Hey, babe." Kevin appeared in front of her, and his arms slipped around her frame. "Javi finally let you out of the bullpen?"

"We caught a late lead. Espo's still there, wrapping things up." She looked up into his face, searching for any signs of anger. "I'm so sorry we had to cancel our dinner plans, Kev—"

"Late nights are part of the job. I understand."

"But it's not just some random night. It's our anniversary. We made all these plans and now they're ruined. You aren't even a little bit frustrated?"

He shrugged. "The important part is that I get to spend time with you. Now come eat dinner." He brushed a kiss over her cheek and tugged her to the dinner table.

"You didn't have to cook," she protested as Kevin began removing the covers from the food. Perfect-looking steak and mashed potatoes sat alongside a beautiful strawberry-spinach salad—all her favorites. Alexis' stomach cramped and her mouth watered. She'd forgotten to eat lunch again.

"Why wouldn't I?" He asked as he poured wine into her glass.

Alexis took her time cutting her perfectly seasoned steak into bite-sized pieces. The meal was perfect, as usual, better than anything she'd ever had from a restaurant. She knew she should be happy, grateful, ready to shake off the stress and demands of her job and focus on her boyfriend, but that hot frustration refused to lift from her chest.

They were almost finished with their meal when Kevin reached over and took her hand. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." She tried to smile. "How about dessert? I think there's still ice cream in the freezer." She stood up and began collecting their plates before walking into the kitchen. She carefully placed the dirty dishes in the sink, frowning at the dishes and pans that had been used to make their delicious meal. Kevin had worked so hard to make this special for her, and all she could do was pout that things hadn't gone as planned. What was wrong with her?

She retraced her steps back to the dining room table, where her boyfriend was watching her with a look she couldn't identify. Her heart sank. Why couldn't she just be grateful? She stopped in front of him. "I'm sorry. I'm acting like a brat. You've worked so hard to make it special."

"Doesn't feel very special, does it?"

Alexis quickly shook her head. "That's my fault. I'm sorry. I just… I'm just being ungrateful."

He squeezed her hand. "You really were looking forward to tonight, weren't you?"

"It was supposed to be our night. Our jobs demand everything. I work late every night and you're gone half the time on undercover jobs. And it's fine. I like my job. I like our life. But I really just wanted one night to put on makeup and take off this stupid pantsuit and go on an actual date, you know? I wanted to feel pretty and normal for just one night. One night when I'm not worried about getting justice for someone's loved one or thinking up worse-case scenarios that involve you getting shot by some drug dealer—" She stopped herself as frustration bled into actual anger. Anger at her job, anger at her luck, and, most of all, anger at herself. "And instead I'm pouting about my perfect boyfriend making a perfect dinner and you know what? I'm realizing I'm the problem here." She sighed. Her eyes avoided Kevin's face. "I'm sorry."

For a moment, he didn't say anything. And then he tugged her into his lap, tilting her chin up so she was forced to look at him.

"Do you feel better now?" Kevin asked.

"A little bit."

"Good." He stroked her cheekbone. "I don't want to hear another apology from those lips tonight. You have nothing to be sorry about."

She leaned into his touch. "Don't take this the wrong way, but your perfection tonight has made me very aware of my many flaws."

"You don't have any flaws."

Alexis snorted, and Kevin's fingers threaded through her hair lightly tugging her tresses. "Looks pretty perfect to me."

She sank into his touch, resting her head on his shoulder. "Sweet talker."

"Just telling the truth."

"Mmm," she said noncommittally.

"But you were right about one thing." A hungry gleam entered his eyes and his voice dropped low. "It has been too long."

Heat crept up her neck. She knew that tone, that look. A year of dating and three months of living with the man in front of her had put her on the receiving end of them more than once. The last time had been a month earlier, just before he'd left on a short undercover op. She had bought takeout from his favorite place, hoping to give him a good send off, but Kevin had other ideas. The kitchen table hadn't buckled under the weight of their furious coupling, but they were now down two wine glasses and a plate. The fingerprint bruises on her hips and teeth marks across her shoulder had kept her company in the nineteen days that he'd been gone.

His fingers returned to her hair, his grip sharper, sending tingles of pleasure-pain across her scalp. His grin was predatory. "And tonight, Princess, you are all mine."

Alexis had approximately one second before his mouth was on hers, hot and demanding. His tongue slid over hers as his hands slid under her ass, giving it a hard squeeze. Alexis moaned into his mouth, tugging at the buttons on his shirt. He caught one wrist, then the other, pinning them at the small of her back with one hand. His other hand gripped the back of her neck holding her in place as he continued his assault on her mouth. His teeth nipped at her bottom lip before his tongue traced a soothing line over the indent his teeth left behind.

"Kevin," she whined, needing so much more than his mouth. He responded by tugging her head back in one swift and controlled moment, kissing her deeply until her head was spinning.

His mouth broke away from hers, and she sucked in oxygen before squealing when the world went sideways as she was unceremoniously tossed over his shoulder.

"Kevin!" She squeaked, and he smacked her ass before gripping it hard.

"Hush, Princess. Don't want the neighbors to worry."

Once inside their bedroom, Alexis was tossed like a ragdoll onto their mattress and Kevin quickly covered her body with his own, his lips leaving a hot trail down her neck. He sucked on her collarbone, his urgent, hungry mouth sure to leave a mark against her alabaster skin.

"Hey," Alexis complained, pushing at his chest. "Kev—no hickeys." She moaned when his teeth nipped at her inflamed skin, her fingers momentarily gripping his shirt and pulling him closer. "Kev… I'm gonna get so much crap from Espo for this."

Her boyfriend immediately stilled, pulling his mouth away from her skin and staring at her with an expression that made her stomach flip-flop. There was lust in his gaze, endless lust. But there was also something foreboding and dark, weaker than anger, stronger than displeasure. He backed off of her. "Strip."

Alexis blinked at the sudden chill in his voice, the distance he'd put between them. She sat up. "Kevin—"

"My princess forgot who she belongs to." He backed off the bed, standing over her as he tugged off his tie. "I think she needs a reminder."

His tone and the dark hunger in his eyes made her thighs clench together. She knew this side of him, too. Her sweet boyfriend had stepped aside, replaced by the ravenous man who loved to make her scream his name.

"Now, Princess."

Alexis wasted no time unbuttoning her blouse and tossing it aside, then reached for the zipper on her slacks. Kevin gripped her thighs and pulled her body to the edge of the bed, roughly yanking her slacks off with her underwear. Her bra soon followed her clothes onto the bedroom floor.

Alexis knelt on the edge of the bed, feeling oddly vulnerable next to her fully clothed boyfriend. His eyes raked up her body, growing impossibly hungrier. A single fingertip skimmed over the bruise on her collarbone. The sensitive skin there felt branded underneath the light touch and Alexis bit back a moan.

"You look so fucking amazing." His fingers trailed up her neck, and his thumb brushed over her bottom lip. "Can you blame me for wanting a taste?" He pulled her up by her shoulders, and her arms slipped around his neck. His arousal pressed against her stomach; her hardened nipples brushed against the fabric of his shirt. He palmed her ass while nuzzling into her neck. "I want another taste here." He pinched her nipple. "And here." His hand delved between her legs to find her wet heat. "And here." He pressed a finger inside her. "I'm ready for dessert."

Alexis moaned at the intrusion, bucking her hips in an attempt to ride his hand. Kevin added another finger, then a third, filling her to the brim as his palm rubbed against her clit. She keened at the fullness, the girth of his digits keeping her stretched on the edge of pain while the friction of his palm kept her doused in pleasure. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her thighs tensed, each buck of her hips pushing her higher, winding her tighter. Kevin knew how difficult it was for her to come in this position. That was why he was so generous, rubbing her clit and working her g-spot until she'd soaked his hand with her arousal, her body shaking both from the exertion of her crazed writhing and the tension of the orgasm that eluded her.

"Kevin," she whined. "Please…"

"More," he said simply, working her into a frenzy with his hand.

Her hips jerked in time with his hand and sensation tightened and coiled across her base. She buried her face in his chest, her fingers clawing at his shoulders in an attempt to release some of the tension that smothered her, slowly transformed to sharp pleasure, her clit swollen and aching, her folds steaming hot from friction. Her head tossed back and forth as her body screamed for release.

Kevin shushed her, running his free hand through her hair, gently tugging her locks so she was forced to look at him. "Do you want to come, Princess?" His thumb made another pass over her clit and a desperate sob tore out of her throat.

"Please!"

"Do you remember now?"

"I…" His thumb circled her clit in one long, agonizing stroke, and her body almost buckled. Remember what? Nothing mattered except the mammoth need raging low in her belly.

"No?" His fingers slipped out of her warmth, and she slumped against him, relief warring with disappointment. "That's alright. I can be patient." He wiped her arousal on her thigh then unhooked her hands from his shoulders, and lifted her into his arms, guiding her back into the mattress and pressing her wrists into the pillow above her head.

"Spread your legs."

There was a single heartbeat of hesitation before her knees splayed open.

Kevin began pulling at his tie. "Wider."

Alexis' heart hammered in her chest as she willfully and wantonly exposed her most private area for him. Cool air hit her heated sex, only increasing the desire pounding through her veins. His eyes darkened, and she watched heat rise in his cheekbones.

"Fuck," he muttered so softly she wasn't sure if she was supposed to hear it.

He stalked forward, quickly looping his tie between the slats on their headboard and wrapping it around her wrists. She gave an experimental tug, her heart fluttering in her chest when she realized she couldn't move.

"Kevin—" she squeaked, caught between desire and trepidation. He'd only tied her up once before, and the memory of it sent a tidal wave of lust crashing into her. Kevin reached into the nightstand on her side of the bed and pulled out her sleeping mask, slipping it over her head.

The world darkened around her, and her skin lit up, almost crackling with sensory input. She felt the weight of his gaze on her, felt his body shifting on the mattress until he was on hands and knees, hovering over her. His lips skimmed down her neck as he breathed her in. "Do you have any idea how incredible you are?"

His mouth teased down her body, lips and tongue gliding over her aching breasts until he stopped between her spread legs. Chills broke out over her skin as his breath washed over her folds. "So fucking wet for me."

His tongue dragged upward across her core, sweeping deep between her walls, and she lifted her hips with a wail. He kissed his way back up her body, nipping at her bottom lip until she opened for him. His tongue slid over hers, leaving an exotic sweet and salty flavor behind. She'd become very familiar with the taste; Kevin loved sampling her body like an expensive wine and nothing got him hotter than watching Alexis taste herself. She licked the remnants of her arousal off his lips, and he moaned like a man possessed.

His rock hard erection pressed against her hip. "You see what you do to me?"

"So put us out of our misery."

He laughed. "Not yet, Princess. I haven't even given you your anniversary gift." Alexis groaned in frustration and he gave her a peck on the mouth turn got off the bed.

Alexis recognized the sound of the closet door opening and listened closely as her boyfriend moved around the bedroom.

"What gift?"

Kevin's bedside drawer opened and closed and a light weight hit the mattress next to her legs. She felt her boyfriend's weight settle onto the bed. "You'll see. Lift your hips for me."

A pillow rested beneath her hips, and his hands ran over her spread thighs. She heard a cap pop and then something cool and slick pressed against her back entrance. She shrieked and scooted her hips back.

Kevin grabbed her hips, pulling her back onto the pillow. "Relax, Princess." His thumb circled her clit, and sensation sparked across her base.

The very tip of something hard penetrated her tight ring of muscles. Alexis gasped, and pleasure danced over her clit again as Kevin pushed the toy a little deeper.

"You are so fucking perfect," she heard him murmur.

Kevin kept up a steady rhythm on her clit as he applied gentle pressure to the toy then pulled it back out incrementally before sliding it deeper. Dark nerve endings flared to life at the taboo act, and a mewling sound escaped her throat.

"That's it. Let yourself enjoy it." He moved the plug at a faster pace, and Alexis found herself raising her hips in time with his movements. The sharp, all-consuming need returned tenfold coiling across her base.

"Kev," she wailed when the widest part of the toy stretched her ass. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end when Kevin pushed the plug home and her tight ring of muscles closed around the slender base. Alexis shuddered, her mind fogged by the pleasurable intrusion. She gasped, her muscles watery in her restraints.

Kevin crawled up her body. "How's that feel?"

"Full."

"Just you wait, Princess." She felt the ties around her wrists loosen, and Kevin pulled her up. The toy shifted inside her, setting her overstimulated nerve endings alight. She cried out at the sensation, shuddering with each movement that brought her feet to rest on the floor.

"Where are we going?" She asked, still blind as Kevin carefully led her through their apartment. The plug shifted with every step and she could feel her wetness on her thighs. Her clit throbbed insistently, reminding her that she still hasn't found her release.

"You'll see."

She recognized the cold bathroom tile under her feet, and Kevin led her forward until the tops of her thighs hit something cool and smooth. The faux marble bathroom vanity. Kevin pressed between her shoulder blades, bending her over the cool surface of their vanity, running his hand up and down her back and pulling her hips out just s bit.

"If only you could see how beautiful you look." He tapped the end of the plug nestled between her cheeks and Alexis whined. "You ready, Princess?"

"For what?" Alexis managed, her chest pressed against the vanity.

"To remember who you belong to." His hands skimmed up and down her back and he brushed her sweat slicked hair away from her neck, leaning down to place a kiss on her spine.

She heard the sound of his zipper, and relief washed over her. She was finally going to get what she so desperately needed. The sleeping mask was tugged off and she squinted against the bright bathroom light.

"Look at me." Kevin's hand slid under her shoulders and clasped her throat.

Alexis forced her eyes open and lifted her head, focusing on the reflection of the man behind her. The top few buttons on his shirt were undone, and she could feel the hot velvet of his arousal against her ass. The pressed white shirt contrasted with the wild abandon in his dark gaze, his blue irises so clouded by lust they were almost black. He was a gorgeous creation, and he was all hers, all of him. The sweet man who cooked her favorite meals on a bad day, the wild predator who wrung every drop of pleasure from her willing body. For just a moment, something heavier and softer than lust slipped to the forefront of her mind.

"I love you," she said to his reflection.

"I know." She felt him line up with her entrance, slowly entering her hungry folds.

Alexis gasped, her body going rigid as she stretched to accommodate him. She was too full with the plug. He wouldn't fit. She shuddered when he pushed forward another inch. "It's too much. I can't—"

He stilled, running his free hand down her spine. "You're alright, Princess. You can take me."

"Kev—"

"You can take me." His hand reached around to find her clit. Within moments she was clawing at the vanity as the overwhelming sensations across her base fought for dominance: teasing caresses on her overstimulated bundle of nerves, Kevin's cock slowly filling her to the brim, the spine tingling pressure of the plug amplifying them all.

"Shit," Kevin moaned when he was finally seated inside her. "You're so tight."

Alexis barely heard him, so overcome by the sensations. She was dangling by a thread, her tortured body begging to break.

"Princess?"

Alexis managed a moan, her face pressed against the cool surface, her eyes rolling back into her head.

"How's that feel?" Kevin pulled out just a bit and rocked back inside her, stimulating her g-spot and the toy in her ass.

The world fractured just a bit and Alexis dimly heard herself whimper. The hand around her throat tightened for one brief moment. "Open your eyes, Princess."

Alexis caught her reflection in the mirror. She didn't recognize the pink-faced woman in the mirror, her wild red mane curling over the countertop, her ruby lips parted and blue eyes almost unfocused. Heat bloomed across her cheekbones, down her neck and across her wantonly exposed breasts.

"Eyes on the mirror. I want you to watch yourself come." The hand between her legs circled her clit hungrily, and with a roll of his hips, Kevin shattered her.

Pleasure flooded her synapses, flooding in with each snap of Kevin's hips, his cock hitting her in the part of her body he'd spent so long priming. The plug amplified every thrust, and within seconds Alexis clamped down on him, sheet lightning whiting out her senses.

"Kevin!" she screeched.

"Whose opinion only matters?"

"Yours!"

"Who says you're fucking perfect?"

Alexis clawed at the vanity, shaking her head as another earth-shattering orgasm loomed over her. "You do!"

"Who loves you more than anything?" Kevin gritted out.

"You do!" She felt him swell inside her, and she toppled over the precipice once more, screaming her pleasure.

"Fuck, Alexis." He grasped her hips with both hands, tilting her hips up and pounding into her. "Give it to me," he snarled. "I want every fucking ounce."

She couldn't survive a third. The pleasure alone would kill her. Her body tightened and coiled, rigging itself to explode.

"Who do you belong to?!" His thumb moved to the base of the plug, rocking it into her with each unforgiving thrust.

"You!" She shrieked, flying off the handle as Kevin's cock jerked inside her. "I belong to you!" Ecstasy poured outward from her core, sending her into the stratosphere. She slumped onto the countertop, her long awaited release rendering her almost senseless. Kevin's body soon covered hers as they came down from their high, and his finger entwined with hers.

"I belong to you," she repeated in a smaller voice, panting. "I'm yours."

Kevin smiled at her in the mirror, his face flushed from their coupling. He pressed a gentle kiss to her shoulder. "And I'm yours, Princess."

* * *

As much as Kevin loved going home and spending time with Alexis, which he did, he also loved the nights when he and Javi would go out and drink.

There were times when he used to go to the bar with Javi and drink so much that Javi would give him a lift back his place to sleep it off, or he'd get drunk, ditch Javi and try to find a girl for the night, but not anymore. He didn't have any of those urges anymore, not when he had Alexis, the woman he was in love with, back at their place waiting for him. Now, it was just about his friendship with his former partner.

Javi seemed to notice how different it was drinking with him as well, because he'd mentioned a few times that he was happy that Kevin no longer felt the need to get blackout drunk. Kevin was happy about that, too.

For the past hour Kevin and Javi had been swapping stories of the different cases they were working. Nothing too serious. A few beers in, Javi announced that he was tired of talking about work and that his brain needed a break. From there it went straight to sports. Javi was the only person he could talk to about sports, so he took the opportunity whenever it was presented.

Kevin decided his fourth beer would be his last. He didn't want to get back into the habit of drinking until he couldn't walk, plus he didn't want to go home drunk to Alexis.

Javi briefly mentioned something about the precinct and Kevin nodded.

"So is your partner being a pain the ass?" Kevin asked with a smirk before taking a drink of his beer.

"A stubborn know it all. It's like you never left," Javi joked.

"Glad you have someone to keep you on your toes. I don't want you missing me so much."

"Miss you? I'm thinking you gave her tips on how to act just like you."

"I didn't give her any tips. No, that's all her." Kevin smiled fondly and Javi rolled his eyes before smiling himself. Kevin knew Alexis could be stubborn. It was one of the reasons why he loved her so much. It wasn't so much that she was stubborn, she was just passionate. "Why are you smiling?"

"Just happy to see you happy, bro, that's all."

"I definitely am." He took another drink before looking at Javi. "What about you though? You dating anyone?"

Javi shrugged and nodded. "I wouldn't say it's super serious, but I've been seeing someone."

"You didn't tell me?"

"She wanted to keep it quiet."

"Quiet? Wait, do I know her?"

"Yes."

It only took a second for Kevin to figure it out, and when he did, his eyes widened. "You and Lanie? For real?"

"Yeah. Do not tell her I told you, okay? She'd make me pay for it, and it wouldn't be the nice punishment, trust me."

Kevin nodded, knowing exactly how scary Lanie could be when she was upset. "Why would she want you to keep it quiet?"

"I don't know, man, something about keeping it a secret turns her on, I guess."

Kevin wanted to laugh, but he knew how it was keeping things a secret. While the secret about him and Alexis stayed hidden, he couldn't say he didn't find it hot. It being hot was one of the reasons why he fucked Alexis on her desk. He shook his head of the memory.

"I'm happy for you guys."

"Thanks, same to you and Alexis. I like working with her when she's happy."

Before he could say anything else, Kevin looked over Javi's shoulder and almost didn't believe who he saw. Kevin's eyes went back to Javi, who was looking down at his phone. Lanie must have just texted him. Kevin looked back over his shoulder and knew he wasn't having a hallucination.

A pair of blue eyes met his own and he swallowed thickly. For some reason his heart was pounding hard. Those eyes held his and then he saw a small figure walking toward them. His eyes widened.

He didn't want Javi to know, so he cleared his throat. "Gonna use the restroom before we go, okay?"

"Alright," Javi replied still looking at his phone. Kevin quickly walked towards those blue eyes he'd know anywhere.

Each step made him feel more and more nervous. They both stopped a foot away from each other. Before words could be spoken, he walked toward the back of the bar by the restrooms. He heard footsteps following him, and when he turned around, there she was.

"Hi, Kevin," Jenny said softly.

His mind raced. Why was she there? Wasn't she married, a mother? Why was in a bar? The most puzzling question was why he felt like he should talk to her at all. "What are you doing here?" he blurted out.

"I was here with someone, but they left, so I stayed. Didn't expect to see you here."

"I came with Javi."

She nodded and Kevin looked around awkwardly.

"I'm glad I saw you, though," she said. He looked up to see her smiling at him. That smile. He hadn't seen it in a long time. "I haven't seen you in so long. You look good, Kev."

He ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, yeah, you too."

"I know that it's been awhile, but I'd really like it if we could get together and talk, you know, catch up on each other's lives?"

Was she actually being serious? She wanted to see him again to catch up? What was there to catch up on? Her perfect life?

"Uh, I don't know about that, Jenny."

"It would just be as friends." He didn't doubt that for one second. If she wanted him in her life as more than a friend, they might have still been together.

He bit his lip and then noticed Javi walking their way. "Uh, I've got to go."

"Kevin—"

He didn't want Javi getting involved, so he acted quickly. "Call me when you want to meet up. My number is still the same," he said before walking away.

As soon as he met eyes with Javi, Kevin knew his friend had seen his ex.

"Bro, please tell me I didn't see you talking to who I think I saw you talking to."

Kevin sighed. "Yeah, that was her."

"What did she want?"

"To talk."

"That's it?"

Kevin looked away, but nodded. "Yeah, so you ready to go, cause I am." He was lying to Javi again. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to keep doing it.

"You sure she isn't working an angle?"

"What angle would that be?"

"I don't know, but I wouldn't put anything past her."

"It doesn't matter, bro. I'm not planning on seeing her again, so let's just get out of here."

Javi stared at him for a moment before nodded and heading out. Kevin took a deep breath, following him out. He could only hope Javi believed him.

He went home, trying whatever he could to get Jenny out of his head. He showered before crawling into his bed and pulling Alexis to his chest. She didn't wake up, just burrowed her head in the crook of his neck.

Suddenly he didn't feel the need to worry about Jenny. He had Alexis and that was all that he cared about. He kissed the top of her head and told her loved her before falling asleep.

The next day he received a text from Jenny telling him that she really needed to talk to him and that it was important. He stared at the text most of the day, thinking it over before he figured that she might leave him alone if he had just one coffee with her.

It would just be two people having coffee. What could be so bad about that?

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks very much for reading! We'll be posting new installments of this story every Friday. Enjoy and please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Bound

Chapter Two

"Thanks for meeting me, Kevin."

Kevin forced a smile to his face as Jenny took a seat across from him and gripped his coffee cup a little tighter. It was surreal—seeing his ex after years apart. It didn't seem like the last few years had been kind to her. Her blonde hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, looking more sloppy than artful. Circles hugged her puffy, bloodshot eyes, and she didn't seem to be wearing makeup. There was some kind of food stain on her shirt. While part of him took great pleasure in the fact that the woman who had smashed his heart into thousands of tiny pieces was looking so terrible, something close to pity twisted in his stomach as he took in her slouched posture and clear exhaustion. This was not the woman he remembered.

"Sure thing," he said. "What can I do for you?"

Jenny looked down at her cup and pursed her lips, seeming to become even smaller somehow—quite the feat for a woman who was barely more than five feet tall. "I just…" she sighed. "I'm getting a divorce."

"Oh." He shouldn't have been so surprised. The signs were right in front of him, written into the lines of her face and the conspicuous absence of her wedding ring. "I'm sorry."

"My husband just up and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. One day we're happy, we're a family—the next he's packing a bag and telling me to expect papers from his lawyer."

Kevin frowned as he watched the blonde dab at her eyes with a napkin. "That sounds very difficult." The words sounded formal and stiff, and he gripped his coffee mug tight again, needing some release for the tension. He had no idea why she'd asked to meet him, why she felt compelled to tell him about her relationships status. She'd tossed him aside years ago for the man she'd ended up marrying. He cleared his throat, "You two have a kid, right? Will you be splitting custody?"

Something flashed in Jenny's eyes. Panic? Guilt? Kevin's question suddenly tasted bitter. The part of him that had never truly recovered from her betrayal relished in the idea that she might feel guilty. She shrugged. "I hope so. Being a single mom is bad enough, and I really want my son to know his father."

"I'm sure he'll come around," Kevin said. Silence settled in, occasionally punctuated by Jenny's sniffles, and Kevin drained his coffee, trying to think of a way out of the bizarre conversation.

"Are you seeing anyone right now?" Jenny asked suddenly.

The question brought him up short, but he recovered quickly. "I am, actually. Have been for just over a year now."

"A year?" Her eyes widened. "That sounds serious."

"It is. We've been living together for a few months. She's an amazing woman, and I'm lucky she'll have me. She's a detective, too. She graduated top of her class, and she's done great things for the NYPD." Kevin felt an uncomfortable string of tension knotting across his shoulders. His words, while totally true, had a shallow ring to them, and he realized he was bragging about Alexis in an attempt to prove to his ex how much better off he was without her.

"She sounds great."

"Yeah." He nodded then sighed, "Listen, I think I'd better go—"

"I'm so sorry," Jenny blurted out, tears running down her face again. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I think I understand now how much I hurt you. I'm getting a taste of my own medicine, and it's terrible and it makes me sick to think that you might have felt like this."

"Umm…" He had no response. Of course he'd felt shitty when she'd betrayed him, when she'd tossed him aside for someone better. "It's okay," he tried.

"No, it's not. It's not okay, Kevin. What I did isn't okay. And I don't expect you to forgive me, and I'm so glad you're so happy and you have the life you deserve. I just…" she dabbed at her eyes again, taking deep breaths to compose herself. "I just wanted you to know how much I regret what I did to you. That's why I wanted to meet with you. To apologize and to let you know that I've gotten what I deserved."

For a long, terrible string of seconds, Kevin was frozen in his seat, his hands glued to his cup, watching as his old flame fell apart in front of him. She seemed genuinely distraught, and he couldn't say he blamed her. Divorce. Single motherhood. The loss of a future she'd probably assumed would continue through the rest of her life. He knew the feeling all too well, and though he was sitting across from the cause of many of his own struggles, he found that her pain didn't satisfy him as much as he thought it would.

With a sigh, Kevin let got of his mug and and took the seat next to Jenny, wrapping his arms around her. "You don't deserve this, Jen," he said quietly.

She sank into his embrace, sobs still wracking her small frame. The position was haunting in its familiarity, but there was a stiffness there, a lack of the emotional intimacy they'd used to share.

After a few long moments, her sobs seemed to taper off and she pulled back. "Thanks, Kev. That means a lot to me." She forced a watery smile to her face. "I'd better go. You probably have things to do. Thanks for meeting with me." She took a deep breath. "It was really nice to have someone to talk to."

Kevin stepped back with a nod, watching her gather her things. She looked so small and sad, so hopeless. "If you ever need to talk again, you have my number."

Her eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean," he rubbed the back of his neck, "nobody should have to go through something like this alone."

She gave him a soft smile. "Thanks, Kev. I'll see you around."

"Bye." He watched her leave, something uncomfortable twisting in his stomach. His phone pinged, and he opened a picture message from Alexis that erased every thought of Jenny from his mind. She'd clearly been lingerie shopping recently.

"Home soon?" her message asked.

He was already out the door of the coffee shop, his fingers tapping over the touchscreen. "On my way."

* * *

Alexis walked through the front door just as Kevin had finished his phone call with Jenny. She had called to ask him if they could get together again, because she enjoyed having someone to vent to. Apparently she didn't have a lot of people to talk to. Her husband left her with very little time to keep in contact with her friends, so they weren't around for her anymore.

Kevin didn't want to come off as being naive given his history with Jenny, but he felt really bad for her. She had gotten the life that she had always wanted and as far as he could tell it had all crumbled her. She didn't have anyone to help keep her sane, to listen to her. He wasn't naive; he didn't forgive Jenny for the hurt and pain she put him through, but he also didn't want to be bitter about it. He wanted to help her. That's all he wanted to do and that's all he was going to do.

Hopefully Alexis would be as understanding as he thought she would be.

He was still standing at the kitchen counter, his phone still in his hand, and Alexis found him and gave him a warm smile. He set his phone aside as she slid into his arms and gave a him a quick peck on his lips.

"How was work?"

"Same as any other day now that I don't get to see you, dull," she answered.

"Yeah, trust me, I know what you mean."

"I do like getting to come home to you after a long day though."

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. He couldn't argue. He loved that he and Alexis were living together. He loved that he didn't need to make plans for her to stay at his place or for her to stay at his. He loved coming home to her, and he loved waking up next to her every morning.

"You hungry?"

"Starving," Alexis replied with a groan.

"Alright, you go take a shower, wash off your dull day and I'll get started on dinner."

She looked up at him and smiled. "You're the best, you know that, right?"

"You just figuring that out, Princess?"

"I've known it for a long time."

"And don't you forget it." He joked, giving her a quick kiss before she walked to their bedroom, with a smile on her face.

He started dinner while simultaneously trying to figure out how to approach Alexis about him seeing and spending time with his ex. He was nervous. On some level he knew that Alexis would mostly likely understand and that his worrying was all for nothing, but another part of him felt like Alexis wouldn't understand and that it would turn into an argument.

He loved Alexis, he didn't want to be with anyone but her, and he was fairly certain that she knew that, mostly because he had showed her that in every possible way he knew. He would just have to remind her that Jenny was part of his past and that he was only helping her because he was trying to be the bigger person.

He finished dinner, more specifically Alexis' favorites. It couldn't hurt to soften her up a bit, especially if she had a boring day. She loved his dinner choice and he watched in amusement as Alexis attacked the food as if it were going to run away at any moment. She wasn't lying when she'd said she was starving. It was just another reason why he loved Alexis so much, she was comfortable around him.

Not just when it came to food, but sex as well. The Alexis he first started sleeping with was different than the Alexis he was sleeping with now. She was a lot more open minded and put so much trust in him. He still couldn't believe how lucky he was to have her in his life.

"Is there something I should know?" Alexis' question grabbed his attention, making his smile turn to a frown.

"What?"

"You're staring at me pretty hard, Kev. Something on your mind?"

"Yes, but just so you know, I was staring at you because you're unbelievably beautiful and because it reminded about how much I love you." Her cheeks reddened and he smiled again. He would never get tired of making her blush, never. "But there is something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"What would that be?"

"You remember my ex, Jenny, right?"

Alexis nodded slowly. "Yes. Why?"

"Well, I ran into her into her not too long ago at a bar when I was having a drinks with Javi." Alexis nodded along, but that didn't stop Kevin from feeling anxious. "Well, she and I talked for a little bit and then we ended up meeting up and having coffee."

He was a cop, a trained detective, but he couldn't detect anything coming from Alexis. He almost wondered if she had even heard him.

"Oh," She said, wiping her mouth with a napkin, before taking a drink from her glass. "Okay. Well, I'm glad you told me about that."

He narrowed his eyes in on her and he couldn't sense any anger coming from her, so he took that as his confirmation to continue. "Yeah, she wanted to catch up since we hadn't seen each other in such a long time."

"Was it good, catching up?"

"Yeah," Kevin nodded. "I mean, it was a little awkward given our weird past, but it was good to catch up and see how she was doing." He stopped, his eyes still locked on Alexis. "You aren't upse, are you?"

"Upset?"

"About me seeing her?"

"No." Alexis immediately shook her head. "I'm not upset, just a little surprised you didn't tell me before you had coffee with her."

Kevin nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. I should have told you, but I didn't think there was anything to tell, you know. It was just two people catching up."

Alexis nodded. "Then why did you decide to tell me now that it is over?"

"Because Jenny called me, today. She wanted to get together again."

"Get together?"

"Yeah, when we had coffee she told me that she's been having a hard time because she and her husband are going through a divorce."

Alexis eyes snapped to his when she heard the last word of his sentence. "She's getting a divorce?"

"Yes."

"And while she's getting a divorce, she wants to spend time with her ex?"

Kevin wanted to be able to tell her that she was being absurd, but he couldn't. If the roles were reversed and Alexis was spending time with an ex who was getting a divorce, he would question what her ex's true intentions were.

"Yeah, I know, but she told me that she didn't really have a lot a friends, so I think she just wants someone to vent to."

"And you want to be that person?"

"I don't know. I mean if you don't want me to see her again, then I won't, but I like to think that you have changed me into a better man. I think I she really just needs someone to talk to and I'd rather not be bitter and turn my back on her. I'd like to help, if I can, but that's your call Alexis. If you don't want me to see her anymore, I won't."

Alexis was quiet for a while and he could tell she was thinking hard about how to move forward. He meant every word he told her. He wanted to be able to help Jenny, but if it was going to come between him and Alexis, he wouldn't do it.

Alexis leaned forward in her seat and pushed her plate to the side.

"You know her better than I do, obviously, what do you think? Do you think all she wants is just someone to listen to her?"

"I think so." Kevin nodded. "I mean if I were to meet up with her and I got the feeling that she wanted more, I would put it stop to it and never see or talk to her again."

He watched Alexis as his words settled over her. She bit her bottom lip a couple of times before taking a drink. She nodded. "Okay, if you think she just needs a friend, then I don't see there being a problem."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I trust you, Kev. I don't know her at all, but I know you and I know you won't let anything happen if she were to try anything, so I'm okay with it."

Kevin broke into a smile. Alexis trusted him. She had every right to tell him that she didn't want him talking to Jenny, but she didn't do that like most women in her position would, instead, she put her complete trust in him.

He moved to her side of the table, kneeling beside her and pulling her face to his, so he could kiss her. She kissed him back before laughing against his mouth. "What are you doing?"

"Showing you how much I love you." He deepened the kiss before picking her up from her seat.

"Kev!" She squealed.

"What?"

"What's this all about?"

"You just trusted me, blindly. I'm showing how much I appreciate that and you."

She smiled and kissed him back. "Where are you taking me?"

"Bed, because I'm not going to be done showing you how much I appreciate you for a while."

He felt her smile against his lips as they entered their bedroom. He gently laid her on the bed and stared down at her.

He wouldn't be done with her for a while.

* * *

She didn't really have a real reason to feel the way that she did. She didn't want to feel the way she did, because that meant that she didn't trust Kevin. Alexis did trust him, of course she did, but things were different now.

He'd been spending more time with Jenny than she was comfortable with. Maybe that was where her trust issues came from. Maybe she just didn't trust Jenny. How could she? She didn't know much about her, just what Kevin told her, which was very little. How was she to trust someone she didn't know?

Kevin told Alexis that he was just being a friend and lending an ear to Jenny who was going through a hard time. Part of her was happy that Kevin was so sweet and kind, and the other part told her that it was more than Kevin just being a friend.

She shook her head. She wanted to talk to Kevin about it, but she was afraid. She didn't want him thinking that she didn't trust him or that she was trying to control who he could and couldn't talk to. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't ignore it, either. It was already weighing on her mind too much.

"Yo, so get this," Javi's voice made Alexis sit up straight in her seat and try to focus her attention to her job, more specifically the case she and Javi were working. "I just got back from talking to the sister of our vic, Wilson, and she told me that she saw him having a hostile conversation with a man outside of his apartment a few nights before he died."

"Did she see what the man looked like?"

"Better yet, she knew who the man was. His name is Joshua Landon. It appears that Wilson and Landon were coworkers awhile back, things ended badly when Wilson got him fired."

Alexis nodded. "Okay, well, at least we have a lead."

"Yeah, I just have to track him down." Javi sat down and gave Alexis a once over. "You okay?"

"I'm just tired."

"You sure that's it?"

"I've just been having a few restless nights, that's all."

"Except that you don't look like you've been having a hard time sleeping. You looked stressed for different reasons."

"Seriously, I'm fine. I promise." She smiled at him, hoping to get him to lay off a little.

"Really? Or should I call Kev?"

Alexis' smile faded and Javi must have realized his mistake, because he quickly added, "Okay, maybe I don't need to call him. Is he the reason you're feeling stressed?"

"Not entirely."

"Okay." Javi walked over and sat at the edge of her desk. "So spill. What's going on?"

"Javi, we've got work to do."

"That means you better get started talking."

Alexis weighed her options carefully. She could either keep dodging Javi's attempts and try and focus on her job, but that would probably lead to her hurting Javi's feelings. Maybe he'd think she couldn't trust him. That wouldn't be good for the their partnership.

"Uh, I don't know. It has to do with Kevin. Maybe it's best I just try and work this out for myself."

"Doing a great job so far." His sarcasm almost made her smile. "I've had to deal with him for years. If you need someone to talk to about how much of a pain in the ass he can be, it would be me."

She gave it a serious thought. Javi had to know more about Kevin's past with Jenny, but would it be okay for her to go behind Kevin's back to seek answers from his best friend?

She wasn't getting any answers from Kevin or from herself, so it almost felt like she didn't have any other choice. She didn't know how much longer she could just be okay with Kevin spending time with the woman who he was once in love with. She didn't know if it made her petty to feel the way she did, but she didn't know how to change that.

Maybe Javi could be helpful.

"Are you sure?"

"Wouldn't have offered if I wasn't."

She nodded and leaned forward. "Kevin has been spending time with his ex, Jenny."

His eyes widened and his smirk turned upside down. He opened his mouth to speak, but as soon as he looked at her face, he quickly closed it.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Kevin has been seeing Jenny? Why would he do that?"

"Apparently Jenny has been going through a rough patch and needs a friend."

Javi shook his head. "So you're upset because—"

"I'm not upset. I'm just not sure how to feel about it. I mean, I trust Kevin, don't think I don't, it's just that I don't know Jenny. I don't know much about Kevin's past with her, so I don't know if I should trust her." Javi didn't jump to correct her, so she continued. "I can't go to Kevin about it because he might get upset and defensive."

Javi nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"I shouldn't trust her, should I?"

"Listen, I don't know her anymore, so I don't know if you should trust her or not, but I know you aren't the jealous type, so maybe there's something more to what's going on. Why would he offer to be a friend to her?"

"From what I know, her marriage fell apart."

She watched Javi's jaw set. She couldn't be sure, but he looked beyond upset. That wasn't a good sign. Maybe she was right be worrying so much.

Javi shook his head before speaking up. "Okay, well we have work to do, so I think we should focus on that right now." Alexis sighed, but nodded. She couldn't just expect Javi to have the answers to her problems. "But, I'll talk to Kev, try and talk some sense into him."

"Really?"

He nodded with a small smile.

"Thank you so much, Javi."

"Anytime." He patted her shoulder before walking back to his desk.

Alexis was suddenly filled with some hope. Maybe she was wrong and was worried over nothing. If that were the case, she'd be okay with being made to look like a fool, but she couldn't take not knowing.

Hopefully a talk with Javi was what she and Kevin both needed to move forward stronger than ever.


	3. Chapter 3

Bound

by

JJS4 and A.K. Hunter

Chapter Three

Finally, Alexis was home. She could take off her uniform, take a warm shower, and get something to eat before getting the relax she so badly needed and wanted.

The precinct had actually been pretty quiet the last few days, but the stress of everything going through her mind on a daily basis was weighing her down, so she felt beat to the ground as she walked through the front door.

She was calculating what her first order of business would be when she heard Kevin's voice coming from their bedroom. She frowned and dropped her purse on the couch before taking off her jacket and laying it next to her purse. Who was Kevin talking to?

"Kev?" She called out as she walked into the bedroom. Kevin was stretched out on the bed, laptop on his lap and his phone to his ear. When he noticed Alexis he gave her a smile, but held his finger to his lips.

Maybe it was a work call, Alexis thought. She nodded and walked through the room, grabbing pajamas so she could take a shower. As she was going through the dresser trying to find a specific pair, she couldn't help but hear his conversation.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure we could find a place within that range."

She finally found the pair she was looking for and carefully closed the dresser drawer.

"Yeah, uh possibly. You sure you want a place around here?"

Alexis gave him a questioning look, but he waved her off.

"The rent isn't too unreasonable, but it's more than the prices we already talked about."

Alexis wanted to know who he was talking to, who might be moving closer to them, but she didn't push it. She was feeling gross from work, so she decided to take a shower and question him afterward.

The shower was just as relaxing as she imagined it would be. Her headache was slowly fading, and she was finding it hard to stay awake, so she decided not to overindulge and cut her shower short.

She dried off and dressed quickly, hoping she would get to eat before passing out. She brushed her hair, pulled it back into a ponytail, and came out of the bathroom expecting to find Kevin, but he seemed to still be in their room.

She thought he might have fallen asleep, but she quickly disregarded that when she heard his voice.

He was still on the phone? Who was he talking to? A name stuck out in her head, but she didn't want to think about that, so she distracted herself with making a quick meal.

Kevin came into the kitchen when Alexis was washing the dishes she had messed. She was feeling clean and full, but she still felt terrible and it wasn't because of work.

She had been trying to ignore it, but she kept thinking that things were only going to get worse with Kevin if she didn't open her mouth, but she also knew talking about it would lead to a fight.

If she needed to fight to keep him in her life, she'd do that, but she didn't know how to even begin.

"Sounds good, I'll text you tomorrow when I get off work." Alexis looked up to see Kevin smiling. "You got it. Goodnight." Kevin hung up his phone and turned to Alexis, finally giving her his undivided attention. "How was your day?"

"Nothing special. Yours?"

"About the same."

"That smile says otherwise. Who were you talking to?"

"Oh, that was Jenny. She asked me to help her find a new apartment." Alexis' stomach plummeted as her worst suspicions were confirmed. She barely felt Kevin come up behind her and wrap his arms around her waist.

Any other night, having Kevin's arms wrapped around her would have made her feel worry-free, but it wasn't working this time. She turned to face him, and he leaned in for a kiss, a kiss she didn't want. She pushed him back.

His eyebrows pulled together. "What's wrong? You're acting kind of weird."

She closed her eyes, shaking her head. Was he being serious? Was he really accusing _her_ of strange behavior?

"I'm acting weird?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

She didn't know how to let it go and just pretend everything was okay. She was tired of biting her tongue. If Kevin wanted to know what was wrong, she was going to let him know.

"Let's see, after a mind-numbing day at work, I come home to find you on the phone, which would be perfectly fine if it was with your sister, Javi, or even work, but no, you were on the phone with Jenny, your ex. Your ex who has probably talked to you more than me in the past couple weeks. What on earth would be wrong about that?" The sarcasm was probably uncalled for, but she couldn't find it in her to care at that point.

He blinked. "You're mad that I was talking to a friend?"

"A friend? That's what she is? Are you sure, because I don't really know what to think."

"Okay, I really don't understand what the problem is. You aren't making any sense."

"Well let me try to explain it in another way. I don't like you spending time with Jenny. I don't like that she texts you all the time. I don't like that you meet up with her so often."

Kevin rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. "Seriously? You're jealous of Jenny?"

"Tell me why I shouldn't be."

"There's nothing going on with her. She's just a friend, I promise you."

"Okay, you keep saying that, but I don't remember her being your friend before she got divorced. I don't remember you saying anything about her at all, really. All of a sudden she shows up, she's newly divorced, an ex, and you can't seem to go a day without talking to her. Where did this friendship come from?"

"She needs a friend right now. She's going through a hard time. You know that."

"She really has nobody else to talk to? I mean obviously things ended badly between you two, otherwise you wouldn't be so secretive about your past with her, but now, all of a sudden you're her best friend. You seriously don't see a problem with this situation?"

"No, I don't. I see you being jealous for no reason at all."

She pushed herself from the kitchen sink and laughed. Anger was coursing through her and she couldn't believe what he was saying. Did he honestly think that or was he just lying to her and himself?

"How would you feel if I was spending all of my free time talking to Ashley because he had been dumped and needed a shoulder to cry on? Would you be okay if I ignored you, if I stopped having sex with you, and talked about him all the time?"

"What are you talking about? I don't talk about her all the time."

"Yes, you do. I get that she's going through something, but it's not your responsibility to help her piece her life back together. I mean up until it fell apart you had nothing to do with her. What changed Kevin?"

"Nothing changed, like I said, I am just helping her out, I don't see where the problem is with that."

The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Are you in love with her?"

"What?"

"Are you in love with her? Did you ever stop loving her?"

Kevin shook his head and walked closer to her. "I am not doing this. I am going to let her get in between us. Nothing is going on with her. I'm just helping her."

"Then just stop."

"Stop?"

"Yes, stop helping her. She must have friends and a family, why would she need your help and yours alone?"

"Alexis—"

"I'm serious, Kevin. Stop seeing her." Part of her hated the way she sounded, but she couldn't help it. She hated that she sounded demanding and controlling, but she didn't know what else she could do. Calmly talking about it wasn't going to help, so she didn't have another option.

"Is this like an ultimatum? You or her?"

"It shouldn't be. This should be a very easy decision for you to make."

"Okay." Kevin nodded. "I'll stop seeing her."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. If you're this bothered by it, I'll stop seeing her. I don't want you to think that I care more about her than you, because I don't. I love you and only you."

Alexis watched him carefully. "You're not mad at me?"

"You're upset, and I can't be mad that you have feelings, so no, I'm not mad at you. You made a good point. If you were spending time with an ex, I wouldn't like it." Alexis felt a lump growing in her throat. "This isn't worth a fight, I love you and I want to be with you, only you."

Alexis took a deep breath and exhaled, letting a few tears fall from her face. She moved forward, wrapping her arms around Kevin. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me." He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. "I should be apologizing to you for so many things."

"Like what?"

"You said I've been ignoring you and that we stopped having sex."

She shook her head, against his chest. "I was just mad, Kevin. You don't need to worry about it."

"Yes, I do. I obviously made you feel like I didn't want you and that definitely isn't the case."

"Okay, but you don't need to apologize, as long as things will get better. They will, right?"

"Definitely." He grabbed the bottom of her chin with his thumb and pulled her lips to his. She allowed herself to sink into the kiss. He hadn't kissed her that way in what felt like a long time. He wrapped his arms around her and suddenly the stress of everything that had been weighing on her wasn't there anymore.

* * *

Lunch with Lanie had gone well, not that Javi expected anything less. Coffee dates had turned into lunch dates, which had lead to dinners, and then things escalated and sleeping at each other's places had also became a regular thing. Things were looking up for Javi, and he couldn't believe it, especially when he considered how his life had gone up until that point.

Getting shot and having to be held up in the hospital had taken its toll on Javi. Being stuck in a hospital after being shot and having to be taken care of had weighed on him. He was used to taking care of himself, and having people look at him with pity was almost physically painful for him. Having to be treated like an infant wasn't helpful when it came to his self esteem. He put on a brave face, but underneath it all, Javi had felt like he'd never be his true self ever again.

But things were better now. His job was going well and his partnership with Alexis was thriving, his relationship with Lanie only got better and better, and his friendship with Kevin was as good as ever.

Or so he thought.

Honesty was a big deal to Javi. He tried to his best to be honest with everyone he came in contact with, and all he wanted in return was for people to respect him enough to give him the same kind of honesty. He thought he had that kind of relationship with everyone close to him.

Apparently he was wrong.

After having lunch with Lanie, Javi had some time to himself before he had to be back at the precinct. His plan was to get some errands done so he wouldn't have to deal with them later. Seeing as how his refrigerator was bare and his cabinets only contained stale potato chips, his first order of business was going grocery shopping.

Halfway through Javi's quest he'd been sidetracked when he saw a petite blonde woman standing only a few feet from him. Normally seeing a woman in the grocery store wouldn't even catch his attention, but when he heard her voice, he knew it wasn't just any woman.

"Kevin," the woman called out in an almost demanding tone.

Javi hadn't talked to Jenny since she ended things with Kevin, and he wasn't in a hurry to change that. Kevin might have been able to talk and put the history to the side, but Javi couldn't, not after he'd been the person to put Kevin back together after Jenny left him broken. Hearing her say Kevin's name was more than aggravating and Javi couldn't see himself just walking away.

Kevin came along not long after she called on him, walking over to her, his hands filled with different items and a smile on his face. That smile may have made Jenny smile in return, but it only managed to make Javi roll his eyes and for his blood to boil.

He didn't like this, not even a little.

Part of him knew that Kevin's personal life wasn't any of his business and that getting involved, like he had before would only lead to disaster, but in that moment Javi didn't care. Saving his friend from his ex was more important than Kevin getting upset. Kevin was with Alexis and Javi didn't want him to lose someone like her for someone like Jenny, someone who had already hurt him in so many ways.

When Alexis had mentioned Kevin spending time with Jenny, Javi hadn't wanted to freak out Alexis and give her reason to worry, but deep down Javi was worried. He didn't want to think that Kevin was weak and that he would actually be spending so much time with Jenny, but he knew better. Kevin and Jenny had a complicated past and Javi knew that Kevin still had a soft spot for the blonde.

Apparently he was right seeing as how Kevin was spending his lunch break with Jenny instead of Alexis, the woman he was living with, the woman he was supposed to be in love with.

Javi straightened his jacket out and took a deep breath before approaching Kevin. This was sure to be intense and awkward, but Javi was up to the challenge. It was for a good cause, after all.

Jenny and Kevin were in the middle of a discussion when Javi interrupted them by placing his hand on Kevin's shoulder.

When Kevin turned and saw who had tapped him, his eyes widened. If Javi didn't know any better he would describe Kevin as a deer caught in the headlights. He watched a number of emotion flicker over Kevin's face, before he went back to how he looked when he was talking to Jenny. All smiles.

"Javi, what are you doing here, man?"

"What, I can't buy food, now?"

"Of course. I just didn't expect to see you here is all." Kevin threw out a nervous laugh.

"Yeah, I could say the same." Javi said, his eyes moving to Jenny's before they moved back to Kevin's.

"Hey, Javi. It's good to see you," Jenny said, in a steady, but nervous tone. Javi nodded in return, but only looked at her for a second before looking away.

"Kev, can I talk to you privately?" he asked, keeping his eyes locked on Kevin's. Kevin swallowed thickly, clearly having an inner struggle.

Kevin looked down to Jenny almost as if to ask for permission, which only made Javi's temper flare even more. Kevin nodded in Javi's direction. They walked more than a few feet away from Jenny. Javi's back was turned to Jenny, but he could feel her eyes on them as they began to talk.

"What's up, Javi?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Javi's stance loosened now that he was no longer around Jenny. "Grocery stopping in the middle of the day with your ex? What the hell, man?"

"It's not like that, come on, you know me better than that. I'm just helping her out, you know, being a friend. She's going through a hard time right now."

"Hard time?"

"Her marriage is over."

"And she decided to come running back to her ex and you didn't sense something strange about that?"

"You think that she's trying to get back together with me?"

"I don't know, but what I do know is that spending time with Jenny is making Alexis uneasy, so maybe you might want to take a step back."

Kevin sighed and looked down at his shoes. "I know."

"Wait, you know that Alexis isn't okay with this and you're still seeing Jenny."

"Come on, you're making it sound like I'm cheating on her. I'm not a cheater, Javi."

Javi sighed, knowing that Kevin was making excuses, and that meant that he was lying about something, Javi just couldn't figure out what it was. He wasn't ready to brand Kevin a cheater at that point. He wouldn't do that unless he saw it with his own two eyes.

"I'm not saying you're a cheater, but if your current girlfriend is mad about you spending time with your ex, then you should probably listen instead of going behind her back. It makes you look suspicious."

"I'm just trying to help Jenny."

"Why? It's isn't like you owe her anything. I mean, it's not like she helped you any."

"That's in the past."

"So what, it's forgotten?"

"No, I'll never forget, but that doesn't mean I have to be an asshole to her. I don't have to hold grudges. If I did that, you and I probably wouldn't be friends anymore," Kevin reminded him.

Javi fought back the urge to engage. He wouldn't let Kevin distract him. "Do Alexis' feelings mean anything to you, Kev?"

"Of course."

"Then why are you hiding this from her?" Kevin put his head down and Javi sighed. "You need to get your priorities together Kev. You need to think real hard. What's more important to you, Alexis' feelings or you being a nice guy to the woman who ripped your heart out and didn't show any remorse about it?"

"Your advice is a little biased, don't you think?"

"Yes, it is. Alexis is amazing and you're a lucky bastard to have her, I just wish you could see that."

"I do!"

"Then do the right thing, man. Don't lose her over this." Hope sparked when Javi could tell Kevin's mind was going hundred miles an hour; he knew that meant Kevin was considering his words. "I don't want to sound like a dick, I just don't want you falling into old patterns."

"I know, Javi. I know."

"Good." He patted Kevin's arm and looked around. "I need to get back to the precinct."

"Could you maybe not tell Alexis you saw me with Jenny?"

"Only if you promise me that you'll tell her yourself."

Kevin nodded, but Javi wasn't reassured. "See you later, man."

"Yeah, see you," Kevin said before walking back over to Jenny.

Javi wanted to hit him, but he wouldn't do that. He couldn't. If Javi actually saw Kevin cheating, that would be a different story. Javi cared about Alexis. She was his partner now, and that meant that he had her back, but right now, he couldn't prove anything except that Kevin was more than a little confused.

Kevin was going to push Alexis away, and he didn't seem to realize it. What more could Javi do? It wasn't like he could watch him fall down the rabbit hole, but he also didn't want to run interference when it came to Kevin and Alexis. He couldn't get stuck in the middle. That wouldn't help anyone.

He just had to hope that Kevin would figure things out before it was too late.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Jenny asked later that night. She asked him to stop by after work to help fix her clogged sink. Apparently her toddler son had been stuffing marbles down the garbage disposal. "You're acting weird."

Kevin was stretched out on his back underneath her kitchen sink, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "Weird how?" he asked, avoiding the question. Javi's words had followed him through the rest of his day. He'd promised Javi he'd tell Alexis that he was still hanging out with Jenny, but the thought made him more than a little sick. As did the judgment and protective anger in his former partner's eyes when he caught Kevin and Jenny together at the grocery store earlier.

He'd told Javi he would be honest with Alexis, but he didn't know how to do that. He felt like he was being pulled in two directions. Before Jenny texted him that day, he'd been determined to come clean to Alexis, to tell her that for the last two months, he'd been spending time with Jenny behind her back. Kevin hadn't wanted to tell her, but he didn't want Alexis to find out from Javi either. And then Jenny had reached out and Kevin found himself going straight to her place from the precinct, sending Alexis yet another "working late" text on the way. He'd felt a little guilty doing it, he'd felt guilty around Alexis almost constantly in the last few months, but he couldn't say no to Jenny. He just _couldn't_.

"Something on your mind?" Jenny pressed. "Maybe about Javier running into us at the store today?"

Busted. Kevin came out from under the sink with a sigh. " Javi thinks there's something going on between us."

"So?"

"He said he'd talk to Alexis about it if I didn't."

The blonde cocked her head at him. "Alexis knows we're friends. Why is he making a big deal about this?"

"I told her months ago that I'd stop seeing you." The words tasted bitter in his mouth.

"You're lying to your girlfriend about that? Why?"

Kevin sighed. "I don't know."

"Kev…" She trailed off. "And you're afraid that if Javier tells her, you'll lose her?"

Kevin bit his lip. "I just… Everything seems fine right now. I get to be your friend without it affecting mine and Alexis' relationship.""

"Do you love her?" Jenny asked, looking down at the floor.

"Of course I do."

"So why don't you tell her about us?"

"I don't want to cause a fight. I don't want her to worry when there's nothing going on. Plus… I care about you, too." He stood up at took her hand, hating the vulnerable expression on her face. "You're my friend. I don't want to cut you out."

For a moment, Jenny didn't say anything. Then her arms wrapped around him and her lips ghosted over his cheek, then grazed his ear, sending chills down his spine.

"Thanks for being my friend," she whispered.

A smile tugged at his lips and something warm unfurled across his chest, erasing any lingering guilt. "Anytime."

Jenny pulled back just the slightest bit, her arms still wrapped around him. "Alexis doesn't know how lucky she is, having a guy like you." Her eyes landed on his mouth briefly, and Kevin felt his face heat up.

He stepped back. "Umm, thanks." He cleared his throat. "Well, this sink isn't gonna fix itself so…"

"Of course," she answered. Was that disappointment in her eyes? "I'd better go pick up David from his dad. Will you be here when I get back?"

He shook his head. "Probably not. It's getting late."

"Thanks for the help, Kev. You're my hero." She hugged him one last time before grabbing her keys and leaving the apartment.

Kevin took a deep breath and rubbed his face, trying to focus on everything he knew about plumbing, rather than the intoxicating sensation of his ex's lips on his cheek.


	4. Chapter 4

Bound

by

JJS4 and A.K. Hunter

Chapter Four

Alexis had known she'd wake up alone in bed. She had gotten used to it, but a small part of her hoped that maybe, just this once, she'd wake up in Kevin's arms. Just like she used to.

But instead she'd woken up alone to find that Kevin had already left for work some time earlier. She let out a loud sigh. She was tired, and not just because she didn't get enough sleep but because of Kevin and his recent change. She wasn't sure what was going on and Kevin wasn't really one to spill out his feelings, so she was mostly left with over-analyzing every single thing that could possibly make him act so differently.

Alexis wanted to be with Kevin, even given their less than perfect history. She really wanted to give them a fighting chance and for a long while it had been going well. She'd been happy, completely content with their relationship.

But something had changed. Kevin had changed, and he'd made that more than obvious to her the night before. She'd hoped that last night hadn't really happened. That it was just a stress dream, and that things were better than ever between her and Kevin. But it hadn't just been a dream.

Since their sex life had been virtually non-existent, Alexis wanted to spice things up. She'd gone shopping, buying the sexiest piece of lingerie she had ever owned, and planned on surprising Kevin when he got home from work.

Things didn't go as planned. When Kevin got home, she'd walked out of their bedroom, wearing nothing but the lingerie she'd bought. And for a moment, she'd really thought it had worked, because as soon as Kevin's eyes landed on her, he had a hard time looking away. His eyes were wide and his jaw went slack as he took her in.

She silently approached him, and when she was standing right in front of him, Kevin's eyes met hers. There was lust burning in his baby blues, and she pressed her body against his and crashed her lips to his. When his hands landed on her hips and he returned the kiss, it felt like months since he had touched her or had shown any interest in her.

The kiss hadn't lasted long enough to heat up. When Kevin gently pushed her back, she tried to catch his eye, tried to understand what she'd done wrong.

"What is it?" she'd asked.

"I'm just not in the mood, I just got home from work and I'm exhausted."

And that's when all the rejection of the last couple months had started to tumble down onto her. "You're exhausted?" she repeated. Being tired had never stopped him in the past. Alexis couldn't count the number of times he'd come home from long, grueling shifts only to pounce on her as soon as she was in his sights.

"Yeah." He walked past her, heading toward their bedroom. "It was a long day. All I want to do is shower and go to sleep." He stopped in the doorway, and her heart began to beat faster. Had he changed his mind? Was he just playing some sort of joke on her? His eyes met hers and she didn't see lust. She saw sadness and regret.

"You look gorgeous, Princess. Maybe another night?"

Alexis nodded so he would get out of her sight. She didn't want him to see her cry. She blinked back tears until he disappeared into their bedroom and the shower turned on.

Kevin rejected her and he didn't even have a reason, not a real one. She stood, staring blankly ahead, as she tried to shake off the rejection, but she couldn't. How could she? The man she lived with, the man she loved, was no longer attracted to her.

When had he stopped feeling that way about her? Kevin was never shy in the past. She'd lost count of how many times they had shower sex, sex on kitchen counter, or sex in the car. It didn't matter if he was tired, or sick, or stressed, or anything really. His desire for her didn't seem to have an off switch. She'd thought that their sex life was rock solid, but she thought wrong.

Alexis wanted to be able to brush it off, maybe he was going through something and would get over it. It had been going on for two months. The last time they'd had sex was after she'd asked him to stop spending time with Jenny. Though Alexis knew that correlation and causation weren't the same, she couldn't help but fixate on the coincidence. She couldn't brush it off.

She loved him so much, but she needed to face facts, maybe Kevin wasn't ready for a relationship with her after all. Maybe he was invested in someone else. Maybe that's why he'd looked at with those sad eyes—because he knew was going to have break her heart at some point. What he must not have realized was that he was already breaking it, one little piece at a time.

After getting out of bed, showering and getting dressed, Alexis grabbed the lingerie she had purchased the day before and tossed the set. They were as good as ruined now, anyway.

She didn't want to believe it, but she couldn't hide from the truth any longer. He wasn't attracted to her and it hurt like hell. She blinked rapidly to keep back her tears. She'd already allowed herself to cry in the shower once, and that was all she'd permit. She had to get to work, keep going through the motions, keep acting like her personal life wasn't slowly imploding.

Alexis made herself some coffee to go, looking around the apartment while she waited for the coffee to brew. There were her shoes by the door, her dishes from her dinner for one last night in the sink. She looked inside the refrigerator, noting that Kevin had stopped stocking his favorite beers in the fridge. That, for all points and purposes, it seemed like she was the only one eating their food. The only one really living at their apartment.

If she'd had an appetite at all lately, she would have been sick at the thought.

Sooner than she was ready for, Alexis found herself at work, staring down case files as dread thumped in her chest. For the past several months, work had been her only distraction from her slowly disintegrating personal life, but even that one escape was beginning to lose its power. She couldn't shake the feeling that things were breaking, maybe already broken, between her and Kevin and the life they shared. Like if she exerted just a little pressure, the whole thing would come crumbling down around her.

"Good morning, sunshine," Javier said, setting a mug of fresh coffee down on the desk next to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

"Drink up. We've got an appt with our suspect in interrogation in ten."

"Right." She tilted the mug back, willing the subpar blend that the precinct kept in the break room to give her the burst of energy she needed. They'd had reason enough to detain their suspect the night before and had let him wait overnight in holding. Now it was time to move in and see if he was really their guy. "I'll go make sure he's ready."

Alexis followed the routine path down to holding, running through case logistics in her head. She stopped in front of the cell holding their suspect, a thirty-four year old PR executive named Matthew Lucas. She was almost certain that Lucas was responsible for the murder of his ex-boyfriend. Now it was just a matter of convincing Lucas to do the right thing. Always easier said than done.

"Good morning, Matthew," she said to the man, who was curled up on the bench, his jacket draped over him. "I'd like to talk with you for a few minutes, if that's alright."

The man blinked sleepily at her, a frown twisting his face. His hair was mussed, and circled hugged his eyes. The first time Alexis had met him, he'd looked meticulous in a three-piece suit as he stood in the glass and steel office that overlooked downtown. He'd been a man in his element. Now he looked like a man destined for rock bottom.

"Fine," he spat. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Alexis wasn't surprised by his capitulation. Suspects were always more malleable after a night in holding, and this suspect in particular looked like he was about to cry.

She nodded to the on-duty officer to open up the cell and stepped inside, brandishing her own handcuffs. "Stand up and turn around, please."

Matthew did stand up, but he didn't turn around. Instead, he knocked the cuffs from her hands and grabbed her by her throat, using the leverage to shove her body, face-first into the wall. Lights exploded behind her eyes as the side of her face made contact with the unforgiving stone. She crumpled to the cement floor, her her spinning and her right ear ringing.

"I'm not giving up everything I've buit—" Matthew began, then abruptly stopped as the officer tased him.

Alexis watched him fall to the floor, twitching and groaning, further ruining his expensive suit. Javier rushed in, no doubt hearing the commotion from the bullpen. "Come on," she heard through only one ear as he helped her to her feet and pulled her out of her cell. More police began to swarm around their suspect.

If he hadn't been guilty of a crime before, he sure as hell was now.

* * *

"Tell me he confessed," Alexis said to Javier as he returned from interrogation a few hours later. He'd gone in with Beckett while a medic gave Alexis a once-over and one of the city's paperpushers went over the workplace injury claim with her. What a waste of her morning.

The ear was still ringing, there were a couple fingerprint bruises on her neck, and her face throbbed with every heartbeat, but she didn't have a concussion. The medic suggested following up with a doctor in a few days if she experienced any residual hearing loss. Fan-freaking-tastic. She'd been waiting in the break room, watching through the windows for Javier and Beckett to emerge from interrogation.

"He's going away for a long time," her partner said simply, then winced at her face.

"Not my best look, huh?" she tried to joke. She hadn't yet dared to look in a mirror. It was a small, vain thing, but with the way her life had been going lately, she wasn't eager to see her face added to the list of messes.

He forced a smile. "I think you can do better."

"I can't believe how quickly he got the drop on me, Javi. I wasn't even prepared."

"He was fast, and a really big guy for you to be taking on by yourself."

"You could have taken him."

He smirked. "Well, not everyone was special forces."

She made the decision in a split-second. "Will you teach me?"

He paused, "What now?"

"Will you show me some moves? I know the basics, of course. But I don't want to be in that situation ever again." She bit her lip, a fresh wave of shame crashing over her for being taken down easily. She'd really thought he'd been ready to comply with her. He'd looked so worn down. Clearly, their suspect was a good actor.

He nodded. "Of course. We can start whenever you're ready."

"Thanks, Ja—"

"Alexis!" Kevin's voice cut across the homicide floor as he stepped off the elevator. Narcotics was only a few floors down, close enough that it didn't take long for news to travel. In fact, Alexis was surprised her boyfriend hadn't come storming upstairs sooner. Maybe he'd been busy with other things. Her lips twisted into a frown.

Alexis locked eyes with Javier. "You called him?"

"You didn't?" His eyebrows raised.

Alexis sighed, her fingers itching to cover her face as Kevin stormed into the break room. No, she hadn't called him. She'd learned the hard way over the last couple months that she couldn't count on him in times of need. And maybe she didn't want to give him another opportunity to let her down.

Kevin's eyes jumped around in panic, zeroing in on her, and more importantly, the raised, swelling on her face as he advanced. "Jesus." He reached out to touch her, but she stepped back before his hand could make contact with her.

"I'm fine, Kevin. It looks worse than it is." Her eyes cut to Javier, who was watching their dynamic with a frown.

"It's not fine. Someone hit you. Did you press charges? Where is he now?" Kevin demanded, turning to Espo for backup.

Alexis spoke for herself. "I did, and he's pled guilty to everything."

Kevin nodded. "Well that's something, at least."

"I'm gonna go check in on Beckett," Javier said, clearly giving them some space to be alone. Alexis sort of wished he wouldn't. It was more than a little infuriating that after months of neglect, Kevin was now acting like a mother hen just because a suspect had gotten rough with her.

His eyes scanned her again, a line of worry between his eyebrows. "Are you hurt anywhere else?"

She shook her head, wincing just a bit at the ache the movement provoked. "No."

In a moment, his arms were wrapped tight around her. "I'm so glad you're safe," he breathed into her neck. "I was so worried. Why didn't you call me?"

"What did you hear?" she asked, gently pulling herself out of his arms as she avoided his question.

"Just that a suspect had assaulted you."

"Well, I'm fine, so… You can get back to work."

"What?"

"You don't need to worry about me." She knew how strange the words must have sounded, considering how she looked, considering what he was to her, but this was what they'd come to.

He stared at her in disbelief for a moment before his shoulders slumped. His mouth twisted down into a grimace and he sighed. He was a detective, too; he could read between the lines with the best of them. And it didn't take a detective to know that something was terribly, perhaps irreparably, wrong between them. "Alexis, there's something I need to tell you."

She tensed. Was he going to break up with her now? What a way to kick her while she was down. She folded her arms over her chest. "I'm really not in the mood, Kevin. We can talk at home."

"We need to talk now."

Whatever you have to say—"

"I've been seeing Jenny."

It was like a record scratching in her brain. And the worst part of all, it was exactly what she'd expected. The ringing in her ear grew to a crescendo. "You have?"

"As friends," he corrected quickly. "But yeah. The last couple months…I've been spending time with her. She just need a friend right now, so…."

Alexis shook her head, then winced again. "I can't do this right now, Kevin. I really can't."

"I'm trying to come clean with you—"

"Why? Why now? You've kept this from me for the last two months, why now?"

His face fell. "When I heard that you got hurt—"

She held up her hands. "No. No, Kevin. I'm not doing this. You know what? You're a grown man. You can decide for yourself who you want to spend time with. You can make your own decisions who you want to love. You don't have to justify anything to me, but for the record, it shouldn't take getting knocked down by some thug for you to remember I exist." Her voice took on new anger.

"That's not it," he insisted. "I know you must be angry, but please let me take you home. You're right, we can talk more at home—"

"I don't want you to take me anywhere. Go back to work, Kevin. You've been gone the last two months. Maybe I've started to get used to you not being around." The words tasted almost like a lie, but she didn't care. "If you want to be with Jenny, then go be with her—"

"We're just friends."

"If you haven't been doing something wrong, then why have you been hiding this from me?" The anger sparking in her chest grew to an inferno. "You've been lying to my face for months—"

"I choose you," he said quickly, fear written across his face. "I want to be with you."

"I don't know if I choose you." She let her words smash into him. "Go back to work, Kevin. I need some space to think about all of this."

He grabbed her hand. "I love you, Princess. I know I've screwed up—"

The nickname made her flinch. "Get out!"

So he did. And she was left alone, just like she knew she'd be.

* * *

Relationships couldn't be predicted. Anyone who got involved in a relationship knew that there were going to be ups and downs and that most likely the relationship would dry up and would meet its inevitable end. Alexis knew that it wouldn't be smooth sailing from the first time she decided to actually commit to Kevin.

She knew that he had baggage and his own problems with commitment, but she had been willing to fight for them. It was funny to think that Kevin, the man who used to make her dread coming to work day after day was the same guy who she ended up falling hard for.

She'd used to believe that being with Kevin was among a few of the best decisions she had ever made, but now she felt like she might have made mistake by getting involved with him. His past was colliding with their present and she couldn't deal with it. Maybe she wasn't supposed to deal with it. Maybe she was better off cutting her losses and moving on.

Kevin had been lying to her, going behind her back for months to see Jenny. It surprised Alexis, but it shouldn't have. It was Jenny after all. Kevin's kryptonite. The woman who seemed to be all Kevin ever wanted. If she wasn't, why would he continue to put her feelings above Alexis'?

If Kevin truly loved her the way he said he had, Alexis wasn't sure why she would have to compete for his attention or love. She wasn't sure why he'd feel the need to lie and lie and lie.

Maybe he'd just thought of Alexis as a distraction and now that Jenny was back in the picture he just wanted to push her away. It made sense on a completely messed up level. Instead of pushing her away, Alexis wished that he would be a man about it and just tell her that it was over.

Alexis found herself sitting at bar, not knowing what she was supposed to do, besides trying to drink herself numb. After Javier and Beckett had teamed up to convince her to go home, she'd only stopped by the apartment long enough to changes her clothes and slap a coat of makeup over her bruised face. In the dim lighting of the bar, she was sure that nobody could see the bruises. She didn't want to be at home; she didn't think she could face Kevin, especially if everything he had been telling her for last year was all one big lie.

Each time he'd kissed her, told her he'd loved her, and made love to her, had he really felt it, or had he been wishing she was Jenny? Alexis felt like her heart was ripping in half. She wanted to curl into a ball and die.

She was so stupid to think that Kevin's new demeanor when it came to their sex life had to with stress from work. How stupid could she have been? It was Jenny. Jenny had to be the reason why Kevin and Alexis' sex life was moving along as the speed of a snail. Was Kevin sleeping with Jenny?

The thought made her want to vomit. She didn't want to think of Kevin that way, but what else was she supposed to think? He was pulling away emotionally and sexually. He had been lying to her about seeing Jenny for a while. Was she supposed to believe, at that point, that Kevin really loved her, and that his recent change had nothing to do with his ex being back in his life? Fat chance.

A few drinks later, Alexis realized something she'd been denying. Their relationship was over. Because Kevin wanted Jenny. Because Alexis wasn't and had never been good enough.

She drank the remaining vodka and cranberry juice from her glass before slamming it down on the counter.

"Can I buy you another drink?"

Alexis was pulled from her increasingly depressing thoughts. "What?"

"A drink? Can I buy you one?"

She looked over to find hazel eyes looking at her. She intentionally dragged her eyes up and down the man. He was attractive enough to make her get lost in looking at him. He wanted to buy her a drink? Why the hell not?

She pasted on a smile. "Sure."

While he got their drinks, Alexis took in more of him. From the look of his legs, he was tall, his hair was dark and had a slight curl to it. His skin was tan, and when he smiled at her, she was sure she'd never seen whiter teeth. To say that he was hot was a huge understatement.

"I'm Jason," he told her, handing her the shot he'd gotten for her.

"I'm Alexis."

She looked at him, wondering why out of all the women in the bar, he wanted to waste his time on her. So she asked him.

"Nobody should drink alone," he answered.

"Wise words."

"So," he turned in his seat so he could face her, "why are you, the most beautiful woman I've seen in a while, drinking alone?"

Beautiful? She wanted to laugh. If she was so beautiful, then why was she dealing with a broken heart. If she was so beautiful, why didn't Kevin want to touch her anymore? "Nobody wanted to join me." She took the shot.

"Shame on them," he told her with a smile. She almost wanted to laugh at the obvious flirting, but she couldn't find it in her to make him stop.

She didn't know how long it had been since Kevin flirted with her, and it was something she'd been missing. Technically she was in a relationship with a man that she loved, but that man was most likely spending the night with his ex's legs wrapped around his waist.

"Another one?" Jason asked, pointing to her empty shot glass.

"Why stop at just one more?" she asked, and he smirked. She wanted nothing more than to make the pain in her chest to fade. If that meant drinking more than she ever had before, she'd do it. She just wanted to to feel good, not broken. Hell, she'd settled for feeling nothing.

As she took another shot, Jason's hand landed just above her knee, gently squeezing her thigh before moving a little higher. She should have stopped him, but she didn't.


	5. Chapter 5

Bound

Chapter Five

Alexis awoke with a pounding head in a room she didn't recognize. She sat up, her stomach churning, her eyes squinting against the light coming in from the window. She almost retched when she got a whiff of the alcohol leaking out of her pores.

She allowed herself a moment to just close her eyes, to hide from the reality that was about to drop down on her. There was no way she could deny what was going on. She wasn't in her and Kevin's bed, she wasn't in a bed she'd ever been in before and definitely wasn't wearing any clothes.

She kept her eyes closed, as if not seeing it with her own two eyes would somehow change the facts, but she knew better.

It was time to face the music.

A loud snore pulled her attention to the man sharing the bed. He was face down, his breaths sawing into his pillow. She couldn't see his face, and she didn't care to. She just needed to get out of there.

She forced herself out of the bed, grabbing her clothes, which were thrown all over the floor. Each time she bent over to pick up a piece of her clothing, her head began to pound and she felt as if she was going to throw up. One deeply hungover step at a time, she collected her things, the weight of her guilt somehow heavier than the constant thudding in her head and stomach.

She'd betrayed Kevin in the worst way possible.

Alexis quietly left the apartment of the man she had slept with. The man she'd gone home with. The man whose name she didn't know and didn't care to know. Her memories of him were hazy—sloppy kisses, groping hands, skin against skin and her moaning nonsensical words. She shook off the fragments of memory. She didn't want to remember.

She collapsed into the back of the cab, mumbling the address before digging through her bag for her phone. It was turned off. She remembered now; she'd turned it off after Kevin's eleventh phone call trying to defend himself and explain how it wasn't so terrible to be involved in an emotional affair with his ex. It didn't matter that Kevin and Alexis hadn't had a proper date in months, hadn't had sex in almost as long. It didn't matter that Kevin had promised to stop seeing Jenny and started sneaking around.

 _I promise I'll make it up to you. Jenny is just going through a hard time and really needs a friend._

Alexis hadn't bothered to argue. She'd turned off her phone and had proceeded to get shit faced. Because she was playing second-fiddle to his ex, the one who got away, his kryptonite. God, had he slept with Jenny?

Alexis quickly pushed the thought away. Maybe she was just projecting her own guilt. She shoved her phone into the bottom of her purse, still off, and spent the rest of the cab ride trying not to puke.

Once she got back to their apartment, Alexis shoved her clothes in the hamper and showered, scrubbing every inch of her skin until she was pink and clean. A series of bruises had made a home on her hips and she knew that they weren't from Kevin. They were a nice match to the bruise on her face from her altercation the day before. From there, she chased Ibuprofen with three glasses of water and crawled into bed.

Kevin wasn't home. She couldn't remember if he was supposed to be working or not. Maybe he was at Jenny's. She clenched her fist and let out a scream into the pillow.

Despite the hangover, she couldn't stop thinking about Kevin. About Jenny. About the man she'd left sleeping in his apartment.

She'd betrayed Kevin. If there was any tiny bit of their relationship left to hold onto, she'd killed it. She'd let her hurt and anger take over, and she'd ruined everything. She glanced at her cell phone, still powerless on her nightstand. She reached over and turned it on, waiting with a racing, guilt-pumping heart for her messages to load. He had to have known she hadn't come home last night. How was she going to tell him what she'd done?

A few text messages popped up in her inbox. All of them were from Kevin.

 _ **Hey, Alexis, I know you're mad and I'm sorry. I promise you, nothing has happened between me and Jenny. We're just friends. Please call me back.**_

That was it? He wasn't worried. He didn't seem to understand or care at all. Hell, he couldn't even get through a text message without talking about Jenny. He didn't call her sweetheart or babe or even princess. He didn't tell her he loved her. How had she let things get this far?

She pushed away her thoughts and moved on to the next text message.

 _ **Are you okay? Where are you? I just got home and you aren't here. Call me or text me when you get this.**_

She opened last text.

 **Please come home. I know you're mad, but please call me so I know that you're safe.**

So he was worried about her now that Jenny didn't need his attention? How was she supposed to be okay with that? Would he always choose Jenny over her? Could their relationship really and truly be over? Even if he were to forgive her for betraying him, would Jenny still be apart of his life? Could they be a happy couple if Jenny was apart of the picture?

She knew the answer, and it made her sick. Alexis turned her phone back off and burrowed under her covers. They were going to talk. But right now she was going to cry and wallow and let out all the heartache she'd been denying.

The man she loved didn't want her anymore. Maybe hadn't ever truly wanted her. Not when he could have the woman he'd been in love with all along.

Alexis woke up hours later. Her headache had disappeared, and now the only thing twisting her stomach was guilt.

She couldn't take this anymore. She grabbed her phone, only to find it dead. While charging it, she wrote Kevin a message, telling him that she was at home and that they needed to talk when he got there.

She sent the text and let out a deep breath she didn't know she had been holding. She looked at her phone, at the smiling faces of Kevin and herself on the lock screen. She put the phone down and walked away.

She got dressed and even packed some of her clothes and things. She and Kevin were going to talk and that talk might not go well. She prepared for the worst outcome. She knew her Dad wouldn't mind taking her in; she just hoped that she was wrong and that she and Kevin were strong enough to get past what was likely to be their biggest fight yet.

She wasn't sure how she was going to even begin to confess to Kevin, but she had to. She couldn't be with him with such a huge lie in the back of her head. It would kill her to continue their relationship with a huge betrayal hanging over her.

She tried to practice in the silence of their apartment. "I…." She cleared her throat and tried again. "I… I'm a—"

She couldn't get the words out. It shouldn't have been so hard for her to say to herself what she was, but it was proving more and more difficult each time she tried. It was like her voice box would cut out just before she said the word "cheater."

How could one word, one small, seven-letter word be so powerful? How could it have the power to change the way she saw herself? It didn't make sense. She should be able to say it, she had to. Kevin would be home soon enough and he was expecting there to be a talk.

She set the packed bag next to the front door before sitting on the couch waiting for Kevin. The pit on her stomach seemed to worsen with each passing second.

It wasn't just because she betrayed Kevin; it was that she never thought she'd ever do something so cruel and selfish. She never thought she'd be a cheater.

When Kevin walked in, Alexis' stomach was nearly doing flips, and she was already fighting back tears. She still couldn't believe that she was the one who jeopardized their relationship, when at the beginning she was the one who had concerns about him breaking her heart. She'd never thought she'd be the one to cause things to implode.

Kevin walked further into the apartment and came to join her in the living room. He was taking off his jacket, when a smile covered his face. If anything, he looked relieved.

"You're a sight for sore eyes." He greeted her and she frowned in response, but he didn't seem to notice as he made his way over to her, leaning down to give her a kiss like he normally did.

Air caught in her throat and she had no choice but to move her head so his lips didn't come in contact with her. She heard him sigh and the guilt began to coil even more.

"Still mad, huh?" he asked.

She couldn't bring herself to respond.

Kevin sat down next to her, and she felt obliged to move away. She thought telling him would be the only difficult part of him coming home, but she soon realize everything would be difficult. She couldn't touch him; she couldn't let him touch her. It only made it worse if she were to allow him to believe everything was normal and that she hadn't made such a huge mistake.

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I don't know what else you want me to say—"

"We need to talk."

"Yeah, we probably should. Where were you last night? You didn't come home before I left for work this morning."

Home. Somehow that felt wrong. It was like she was already becoming aware of the inevitable end of everything they had built with each other. This didn't feel like home to her. It felt like a prison, being here with him and the many memories they had made with each other. A home was supposed to be a safe place, and sitting in the living room on the couch they had sex on more times than she could recall, she didn't feel safe. She didn't feel comfortable.

This was no longer her home.

"Alexis?" Kevin asked and Alexis flinched a little. It was time for her to confess. It was time for her to her stomach being in knots, she pushed through, deciding that dragging it out wasn't going to help anyone or anything.

She took a deep breath. "I didn't come back here last night because I was with someone else."

"Who? Your dad?" he asked, moving closer to her. She ignored the urge to grab ahold of him and beg for his forgiveness. She wasn't going to do that. She was going meet his judgement head-on.

She shook her head, fighting back tears. "I met someone last night."

"What do you mean?"

"When you didn't show up, I went to get a drink, because I was upset. I got drunk and met someone. That's who I was with last night."

His face was beginning to pale. "What?"

"There was a guy at the bar. We talked, had a few drinks together, and then he took me back to his place. That's where I was all night." She couldn't look him in the eye, she just couldn't. "I slept with him." The words came out and she felt as if she was going to vomit.

She heard a slight gasp. "You what?" His voice was laced with disbelief, which made Alexis' stomach coil with with more guilt and tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Kevin," Alexis took a deep breath, trying to find some level of composure. "I was so upset at you for being with Jenny after you said you wouldn't, so I decided to get a drink and I guess one drink turned into more, because I woke up with a hangover and in some random guy's bed." She didn't even know the that man's name. What the hell was wrong with her? "I wasn't wearing any clothes when I woke up, and the more I thought about it, the more I started to remember."

"Alexis, stop."

"We left the restaurant, went back to his place, and had sex. I don't know what I was thinking, but that's what happened."

"Stop."

"What?"

"Just stop."

"Why?" She didn't understand. Why was he telling her to stop? Was she not being clear enough? Why was he having such a hard time believing it? "I cheated Kevin! Do you not understand that? I cheated!" She was hysterical as she screamed at him, wanting to get a real reaction for him, but he didn't say anything.

Kevin was hunched over, his hands in his hair, shaking his head. "This isn't happening. Not again," he said, but she guessed that he was saying it to himself, because he wasn't looking at her.

"I was so hurt and angry, and… I messed up, Kevin."

Kevin opened his mouth, tried to form words to respond, but Alexis saw the moment they failed him. He might not be able to accept it, but he couldn't deny it, either.

"Alexis," he gasped, like she'd just hit him, stabbed him, torn his heart out from his body.

Tears slipped down her eyes so fast she couldn't she, grief and regret welled up in a tide, so powerful she couldn't breathe. "I'm so, so sorry." She took a step towards, him and his hands when up in front of his chest. He didn't want her to touch him. She was something dirty, something ruined, and he didn't want to touch her anymore.

She clenched her eyes shut against his rejection as tiny sobs wracked her frame, preparing herself for his anger, for his punishment, for him to hurt her as badly as she'd hurt him. Whatever he did or said, she'd take it. She wanted it. It was what she deserved.

"I think you should leave," he said quietly.

"Kevin—" She didn't know what she was begging for. Certainly not forgiveness, she didn't deserve that.

"Please." His voice broke. "Please just leave."

Her heart shattered, her mind haunted by the pure desolation on Kevin's face, Alexis took her suitcase from the bedroom and left the apartment. Kevin had collapsed onto the couch, his face in his hands.

* * *

"You heading out soon?" Javi asked as he pulled his coat over his shoulders.

"Soon," Alexis said absentmindedly, pretending to be engrossed in the file in front of her.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked. "You and Kev having problems? You've both look—"

"Bye, Esposito," she interrupted. She couldn't talk about the reason she looked so bad. Alexis knew she looked like shit. She was pale because she hadn't been sleeping, drawn because she was sick to her stomach about what she'd done. Every time she looked in a mirror, every time she bathed or changed clothes in the days since her mistake, she was forced to face the evidence of what she'd done. She couldn't talk about it; she could barely hold herself together.

When she lifted her head from the file, Esposito was gone. She was finally alone. Always alone.

It had been days, and there was no word from Kevin. She hadn't run into him at work; he didn't answer her calls or texts. Radio silence had taken over. She'd been staying with her dad, unsure if she was welcome back at their apartment.

She would never be able to erase the memory of his broken expression, his devastated voice, when the truth had finally sunk in. Alexis rested her face in her hands. She missed him so much it hurt, but more than that she missed the days that hadn't been defined by her mistake, when she hadn't wanted to claw her own skin off, escape from her tainted body. No amount of soap, scrubbing, or scalding water could erase what she'd done. There was no undoing this.

Her phone started buzzing, pulling her from the all too familiar pit of self-loathing. Kevin's name appeared on the screen, along with a picture of the two of them, his arms tight around her. She gulped, for a second wondering if she should answer at all.

"Hello?" she answered, her voice shaking.

"We need to talk." It wasn't a request. It was a demand, delivered in a flat, demanding tone she didn't recognize.

"O-okay. Um… I'm just getting finished with work if you want to grab coffee or—

"Come to my apartment. I'll be waiting." The line went dead.

Alexis stared at her phone for a long time before setting back on her desk. His apartment. Not their apartment. His. It was over. Alexis knew it. Their "talk" would be him breaking up with her. She knew it was coming, so why did it still hurt so badly?

Her feet carried her out the precinct and on the familiar route home. Except she wasn't going home. That home didn't exist anymore. She stopped in front of the front door, unsure of whether she should knock or use her key. She tried the handle, and found it unlocked. The apartment was dim, the only light was on in the living room, where Kevin was sitting on the couch in the exact same spot she'd left him in.

He didn't acknowledge her presence at first, though she was certain he'd heard her come in.

"Hi," she said, her voice soft. "Can I sit down?"

He looked up at her, and his expression froze her in place. He nodded, and she took a seat almost on the other side of the couch.

"Kevin," she began, "I'm so—"

"Why, Alexis?"

"I—"

"I thought you loved me."

"I do." Tears began to well in her eyes. "I do love you, Kevin. And I'm so, so sorry."

"So then why did you do this?" Despite her distress, his voice remained flat, like he was completely divorced from his emotions.

"I was upset," she said, her voice thick. "I had convinced myself that you had fallen in love with Jenny, and that you were cheating on me."

His eyes widened. "What?"

"Our relationship had felt wrong for months. We hadn't been intimate. You were never here. I just… I've felt like I've been losing you, for months now I've felt that way, and after I found out that you've still been seeing her, I was convinced that I'd lost you."

He shook his head. "I told you there's nothing going on between me and Jenny. I told you that so many times, Alexis."

For the first time, a tiny sputter of anger slipped into her chest. "You also told me that you weren't going to see her anymore. You lied to me."

"So your response is to immediately go out and slut it up for another guy?"

If anything, his words just made her angrier. "Do you love her?" she forced herself to ask.

"I loved you," he answered, and a fresh wave of tears spilled into her eyes. Loved. A past tense.

"Are you still spending time with her?" Alexis didn't know why she bothered asking, it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't do anything but hurt her more if he was still wrapped up in his ex. But she had to know.

Kevin's silence was answer enough, and Alexis let out a bitter laugh. "Well I hope you're very happy together." She stood up, wiping her eyes. "Give me a couple days and I'll get my stuff—"

"Excuse me?"

She blinked. "What?"

"You're breaking up with me?"

"I-I cheated. You're probably in love with someone else. Our relationship is over."

"I'm not—"

"You've spent more time with her in the last six months than you have with me. Javi was right."

"About what?"

"He told me she's your kryptonite. How the hell am I supposed to compare to that?"

"How is this somehow my fault?"

"I love you!" she cried. "You were everything to me, and no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough, was it? I was never enough for you. Why wasn't I enough?"

"For starters, because you're apparently the kind of person who'll sleep with any guy that comes along."

She looked away from the fury on his face. "I'm sorry, Kevin, but—"

"Sorry?" Fury burned through the ice, likely goaded on by her meek response. He laughed, his tone menacing. "You have no fucking idea what sorry is!"

She backed away, and he used the leverage to shove her against the wall, caging her in as she tried to put some distance between them. "I-I am sorry! I wish I could take it back!"

"You and me both, Princess," he said caustically. "I'd take it all back. Every fucking moment since I met you."

His words deflated even the tiniest bits of hope inside her. Tears rolled down her face, grief warring with hot shame. She deserved this. She deserved it. "I'm sorry." She was like a broken record.

"You're supposed to be mine," he snarled. "You belonged to me!"

She could feel the restrained violence in the lines of his body, in the crazed fury in his eyes. "I am yours," she said softly, feeling both heartbroken and terrified.

He reached out, his fingers trembling from the force of his rage. She closed her eyes as his fingertips brushed against her bruised cheek, catching on a strand of hair.

"I love you," she said. "You were all I ever wanted."

The touch on her cheek lifted, and she felt him step back. "You have a week to get your shit out of here." His voice was softer now, tinged with something heavy. She watched as he stomped to their once-shared bedroom, and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

"What's the matter?"

Kevin realized he'd been staring at the beer Jenny gave him for a long while. He shook his head, the words caught in his throat. Alexis had cheated, had shattered him. And he'd hurt her back. Every other heartbeat, his mind flashed back to the image from two nights before. He gritted his teeth, something stronger than guilt churning in his stomach. Regret. He was drowning in it. He regretted losing control, frightening her, but most of all he regretted putting himself in a position to be hurt. Again. How many times would it take for him to learn?

"Nothing." He took a long pull from the bottle.

The blonde eyed him critically. "You're barely said ten words since you got here, and nothing is wrong?"

Pained blue eyes flashed into his mind, and he recalled with perfect clarity the bruises that had been left behind from Alexis' one night stand.

A gentle heat pressed against his knuckles, and Kevin watched Jenny's hand squeeze his own. "What's the matter?" she asked softly.

He swallowed thickly.

"Did you and Alexis have a fight?"

With perfect clarity, he recalled each and everyone one of the vicious words he'd sent her way. They hadn't fought. Kevid had lashed out and she had taken everything he gave her.

"We broke up." Kevin looked up at the blonde. "She found out that I've been spending time with you, so she cheated on me." He kept his eyes locked on the table, not wanting to see Jenny's reaction. A moment later, her soft, feminine scent engulfed him as her arms wrapped tight around his shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, Kev." She squeezed him tighter. "I can't believe she did that."

"I know. I thought she loved me." He rubbed his face. "I thought she was the one."

Jenny's fingertips stroked down his jawline. "You deserve better. She's not the one for you."

"Of course." He laughed hollowly. "Let me guess: the real one is out there somewhere, just waiting to meet me."

"No," she whispered, pulling back to look into his eyes. "She's been right in front of you all along." Jenny inclined her head a bit, letting her mouth hover over his, never quite making contact.

Kevin saw it all as if he was watching from afar. The desire and hope in his ex's eyes, the maddening way her tongue peeked out to wet her lips, the defeated slump of his shoulders as he closed the distance and pressed his lips against hers.

She tasted like regret, the flavor bitter and heavy on his tongue, and it took no longer than a few seconds for Kevin to gently push her back.

"I can't, Jen."

"But," she pouted, "I need to be with you."

Kevin frowned. Something about her words rang hollow. "You need me?"

"Yes, Kev. I do. Look at my life. Of course I need you."

"Do you want to be with me?"

She looked up at him, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. "What's the difference?"

Her answer gutted him. The difference was everything. The difference was choosing him out of desire and love, not desperation and loneliness. The difference was choosing him during the best of times, when she didn't need him in her life but she wanted him to stick around anyway. The difference was asking him to be with her because she liked his jokes and wanted to support him through those times when he'd forgotten how to tell them. The difference was loving him through the worst of times, even when he was being an ass, and being honest, patient, and forgiving of his many shortcomings.

Regret hit him hard, squeezing his chest so hard that tears pricked in his eyes. He missed Alexis.

"I can't see you anymore, Jen." He stood up grabbing his jacket and keys.

"What?" He felt her disbelief and scrutiny as he slid the jacket over his shoulders. "Are you kidding me?"

"I don't want you like that, and I think we both need to move on."

"But… You've been seeing me behind her back for months! You care about me, too! You have feelings for me, too."

He held his hands up. "I thought I was being a good friend."

"You thought you could have the best of both worlds!" She snapped. "And now that you've lost your girlfriend you're just going to toss me aside, too?"

"I never tossed Alexis aside!"

"You've been emotionally cheating on her!" Jenny slumped in her chair. "I thought you just couldn't admit your feelings."

Kevin frowned. "All this time, you thought this was some sort of emotional affair?"

Jenny shrugged. "I told you I need you."

He sighed. "Goodbye Jenny. You'll have to find someone else to dig you out of this mess." Kevin left her apartment, her anger following him out of the building. But he couldn't think about that. Over and over, all he could think was that he'd made the worst mistake of his life.


	6. Chapter 6

Bound

Chapter Six

Kevin had spent most of his night drinking and watching bad TV, which wasn't much different than how he'd begun to spend most of his Saturday nights. It was a new routine for him. After a long week of working non-stop in Narcotics, he felt he deserved one or two nights to himself, doing whatever it was he felt like doing.

Drinking wasn't something he was particularly proud of, but it did help him to think more clearly. After his second or third drink he was always able to see things for what they were, unlike when he was sober.

When he was sober things were messy.

When he was sober and thinking about how his life was going, it made him anxious and a little sad, but when he was drinking everything felt a little better.

When he was drinking it didn't really matter what the situation was, he was always able to see a silver lining—even when thinking about his latest break up. So what if he and Alexis were over? It was probably for the best. Why would he want to be with her in the first place? She clearly wasn't the best choice for him. She was willing to cheat on him for no good reason, so why should he care so much about it?

Things were different when he was sober and thought about Alexis. Feelings got in the way of him seeing things for what they truly were. Thinking about Alexis when he didn't have a drink in his hand always left him with a pit in his stomach. That's when he would think to fill that pit with drinking or a night of anonymous sex. Did it always work? No. But it was better than the alternative.

That's what Alexis had done to him. She'd made him weak. She'd made him question himself. He didn't understand how she was able to pull one over his head like that. She must have been taking lessons from Jenny behind his back.

But he didn't care, not when he was drunk. Alexis was just some woman who had hurt him all over again, but he would get over it. He'd got over Jenny—eventually—so he could get over her. He would learn from the past and would never make the same mistake. Relationships were just doorways to pain, and he'd enough pain to last him a lifetime. He was done with it.

Kevin would go on with his life. Alexis was clearly going to move on with that guy she'd cheated on him with or some other guy that she would inevitably end up cheating on. He didn't have her in his life, and that was okay. As long as he had that drink in his hand everything would be okay.

A bang on his front door made him jump, his thoughts about Alexis taking the backseat as he stood up to answer his door. He stumbled a bit, trying to find his footing.

"Who is it?" he called out, slurring his words, just a little.

"It's your beautiful and wise older sister."

He smiled at Gwen's voice. He hadn't seen her in a while. He looked over to the clock on his stove, seeing that it was a almost midnight. What was Gwen doing at his place at that time of the night? The smile slowly faded from his face and then he opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I came to see your sorry ass," she quipped and then looked at the glass in his hand. "I see you started the party without me."

"You're welcome to join in."

"I'll pass this time. How about we catch up instead of party?"

"Catch up? Did something happen?" He didn't understand. They talked frequently. What did they have to catch up about?

"No." Gwen shook her head, giving Kevin a disappointed look. "Nothing happened with _me_."

Kevin cringed at the emphasis she placed on her last word.

"Oh great." Kevin rolled his eyes and turned around, walking further into his apartment. "Who sent you?"

"Nobody needed to send me. I've been wanting to have this talk for a while, but only just now worked up the courage."

"The courage?"

"Yeah, you've been dodging my questions for far too long, Kiddo. It's time to face the music."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Alexis."

It was funny how just one name could send a thousand thoughts crashing through his head.

"Why would we talk about her?"

"Why not?"

"She's not worth it, Gwen. We could talk about anything, why choose to spend our time on a slut?"

"Kevin Ryan, if mom heard you right now, she'd slap you over the head. I should, too."

"It wasn't said without cause. You know what she did."

Gwen sighed. "Yes, I do."

"So what's the problem?"

"Your attitude, for one."

"I'm just being honest."

"That's just the alcohol talking. The Kevin Ryan I know wouldn't talk about Alexis that way."

"Oh, but he does. It's just mostly in his head, but you've caught me on a good night, so…"

"Cut the shit. We both know that you're not drinking for fun. You're running from something."

Kevin flopped down on his couch with a chuckle. "Thanks for dropping by Dr. Phil. Any other bullshit theories you want to spout out?"

"What's so bullshit about it, Kevin?"

"That you think you know what's going on in my mind."

"Okay, I'll give you that." Gwen nodded and then took a seat next to Kevin. "So why don't you tell me what's going on in your head."

"You won't like it."

"Tell me anyway."

"I'm thinking that Alexis was just like Jenny. That I was lied to, _again_ , thinking that I could trust somebody to actually be a decent person, but that I was wrong and that I should just give up and go back to my old ways."

"Sleeping around? Not being tied down?"

"I got hurt a lot less back then."

"You were also less happy."

"That happiness that I felt with Alexis was just a mirage, Gwen. She was playing me from the start and I fell for it."

"I don't believe that."

"Then you need to open your eyes. She was just a liar. She used me and then left me in pieces."

"Kev—"

"It's okay, though. I'll pick it back up and I'll be back to normal before you know it."

It was silent for a few minutes and Kevin was actually feeling as if he was getting it through Gwen's head. After all, Alexis hadn't just put on a show for him, she'd put it on for his whole family as well.

Why did he let her do that? Why did he allow her to worm her way into his life? His family thought she was so lovely, but they didn't know the real her. Kevin clearly hadn't known the real her, either.

Gwen shifted and cleared her throat. "Keep in my mind that you are my brother and that I love you no matter what, okay?"

"What are you talking about?"

Gwen sighed. "Kevin, why are you acting as if Alexis is the only bad guy here?"

Kevin blinked, staying quiet for a second. "So what? You're on her side now?"

"No, I'm not. What Alexis did was horrible, Kevin, and I'm sorry that she put you through that. I am. I don't know what I'd do if Frank ever did that to me."

"Then why are you acting as if I asked for it to happen?"

"Well, did you?"

"Gwen—"

"Listen, we both know that ever since Jenny did her number on you, you haven't been the relationship type of guy. You've been more than content to just live your life going from one woman to the next, which is perfectly fine. But what you had with Alexis was as close as you have ever gotten to being committed to someone."

"And?"

"And, maybe that scared you, Kev. Maybe having Alexis in your life changed you."

"I didn't change."

"You didn't? Because when you would talk about her to me, you spoke like a man who was in love. You did love her, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Then why would Alexis feel so insecure about your relationship, that she would do the one thing that would end it?"

"What makes you think she was insecure with our relationship?"

"Why else would she have cheated? She loved you, Kev. I could see it whenever I saw the two of you together. She looked at you like she couldn't believe that you were real, that she was actually with you, and I know that look because I'm almost positive that's how I looked at Frank when we first started seeing each other. Alexis wouldn't have cheated for any other reason."

"So this is my fault? You're saying that I basically gave her permission to break my heart."

"I'm saying that you let Jenny back into your life, and you made her a priority and obviously that didn't sit well with Alexis."

"She told me to stop seeing Jenny and I told her that I would."

"But?"

"I didn't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do know. I think you're just afraid to admit that you fell into Jenny's trap all over again."

"What trap? Jenny and I didn't do anything sexual with each other. We didn't."

"I believe you, but that doesn't mean that you didn't get played, Kevin. She had to have known that you were happy with Alexis and that had to make her jealous, given how her life was falling apart. Maybe she wanted all of this to happen so that she could get her hooks into you and get you back."

"Well her plan failed. After Alexis and I broke up, I told Jenny I didn't want her in my life anymore."

"That's good. I'm glad to hear it, but can't you see that it doesn't matter, because she already did what she wanted."

"Gwen, I don't need to hear this right now."

"Well too bad, Kiddo. You let the snake into the garden and you're actually shocked that you got bit?"

"It's too late for Sunday school lessons, Gwen. I can't fix this. Even though I went behind Alexis' back and talked to Jenny, which was a dick move, that doesn't erase the fact that Alexis had sex with another man."

"No, but maybe it can help you to see why Alexis did that. She asked you to specifically not do something and you did it anyway. You chose to spend time with the one woman who Alexis was probably the most self conscious about and you lied to her about it. What was she supposed to do, Kevin? Ignore it?"

"She didn't have to cheat."

"No, she didn't, but you also need to understand that you played a role in that as well. You're not the victim that you're making yourself out to be. So maybe you could own up to your mistakes instead of getting drunk and hating on Alexis."

Kevin sighed and leaned his head back on the couch. "I don't know if I'm too drunk or not drunk enough for this conversation."

"Trust me, you're plenty drunk."

Kevin shook his head, his eyes closed. "Why did I let Jenny back in?"

"Everyone has a weakness, Kevin."

"I don't want her to be mine."

"We don't get to choose that, but you can try your hardest to keep her away."

"Think I have that covered."

"I hope so. She's ruined your life enough. Don't ever let her back in to just do it all over again."

Kevin nodded. "I'll try my hardest."

"And also, try your hardest to try and see things from Alexis' point of view. I'm not saying you have to forget and move on, but clearly you can work towards forgiveness."

"You think so?"

"I do. You and I both know that you still love her and that she isn't that bad person you want her to be, so just try to see that and to remember that she wasn't the only one who messed up."

Kevin looked at Gwen for a moment, before nodding. Gwen smiled at him a bit. "I still love you Knucklehead, so do the right thing."

"Or?"

"I'll still love you, but I'll also have to kick your ass."

Kevin chuckled a bit. "I love you, too."

"So are you going to think about what I said, like in the morning when things aren't as hazy?"

"I'll think about it. I don't know what good it will do, but I'll think about it."

"I'll take it." Gwen grinned and then stood up from the couch. "Thank God that didn't take long. I'm tired. You know that this is past my usual bedtime, don't you?"

"Sorry to keep you up," Kevin said, sarcastically. He stood up, but then the room starting spinning, so he sat back down. "I was going to let you out, but I don't think I can walk right now."

"That's fine. I'll let myself out, and I will also be calling you tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it."

Gwen took his glass from his hand. "Get some sleep, okay? That's more important than ruining your kidneys."

"Thanks for the lecture, Mom."

"Anytime," she smirked. "Goodnight."

"Night." Kevin waved before Gwen left through the front door.

He wanted to consider what Gwen had said to him, but he didn't have the brainpower in him. It wasn't long before he let out a yawn. Maybe sleep was a good idea. Worrying about Alexis and his failing life would have to be put on hold.

* * *

When Alexis descended the stairs in her father's loft, she thought it would be just another day in her new life. Her hair was pulled back in a no-nonsense ponytail, her clothes were pressed, and she'd put on just enough makeup to hide the dark circles beneath her eyes.

"Made breakfast," her dad said, gesturing to the French toast and sausages on a platter on the counter.

"Just coffee," she mumbled. She hadn't had an appetite in weeks. She poured some of the black stuff into her travel mug along with a unhealthy dose of sugar. When she looked up from her task, she saw her father watching her with undisguised concern. "Okay, I'll take a slice to go," she amended, wrapping a slice of the heavy bread, sans syrup, in a paper towel. If it made him worry less, she'd pretend to be normal. And he didn't need to know if the toast ended up in a garbage can on her way to work.

Her father smiled, but it was thin. "No time to have breakfast with your dad this morning?"

Alexis shook her head. "Esposito called. We got a new case this morning. I need to get down there first thing."

He nodded, used to her demanding schedule. "Well, if you get off work at a half-decent time, I thought we could go check out some new apartments, see if we can find you a place that feels like home."

She swallowed against the lump in her throat. "That sounds great, Dad."

She rushed off to work, every mile closer to the precinct sending dread to the pit of her stomach. She just had to make it to the homicide floor.

This was her new life, her new mantra, her new routine. Wake up in her childhood bedroom, drag herself into the shower, and then hurry off to work and pray that she wouldn't run into Kevin on her way into the office.

She hadn't seen him since he'd told her to move out. Almost three weeks had passed, and Alexis wondered how many more it would take to feel like a real person again.

She climbed the stairs to her floor, her tired body complaining about her decision. But it was better than running into him on the elevator.

Alexis made her way onto the floor, a little out of breath from the staircase, and set her things on her desk. Javi was fiddling with the coffee maker in the break room.

"Detective Castle, nice of you to grace us with your presence." The cold voice behind her sent her heart into overdrive, and Alexis whipped around to see Kevin Ryan looming behind her, watching her with empty blue eyes.

"Kevin?" Her voice was unusually high. "What are you doing on homicide?"

"Working." Again, the coldness in his voice sent a fresh wave of self-loathing over her.

"Up here?" God, could she sound anymore pathetic? Like a little mouse that someone had stepped on.

Kevin shrugged. "One of my informants ended up in a body bag last night. The captain suggested I consult with homicide." He looked her up and down and smirked. "Know any good detectives?"

Alexis was speechless. She blinked at him, desperate to see some warmth, to see any sign that he felt something more than disgust and hatred.

"Alexis, can I get your help in here?" Javier called from the break room.

She tore herself away from Kevin and mutely hurried into the break room. Javier was still fiddling with the coffee maker, and when she came to stand beside him, those sharp brown eyes fell on her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Esposito," she said automatically.

He rolled his eyes, and she knew he didn't believe her. "Okay, I'll make this simple then. Kev told me you two broke up."

"What?" It wasn't a secret, per se, so Alexis didn't know why she was so surprised.

"He told me few weeks ago. I wasn't gonna say anything about it till you were ready to talk but—"

"Did he say why we broke up?" That shame she carried everywhere like a second skin heated her body. Would Javier look at her like Kevin had once he learned the truth?

He shook his head. "I asked him not to tell me."

"Why not?"

"Because he's my best friend, and you're my partner. I can't be in a situation that makes me choose between you."

"You can choose him," she informed him, keeping her eyes on the countertop. "It was my fault."

He shook his head. "Doesn't work like that. Now, can you handle him being underfoot for a couple of days?"

"Of course I can," she said automatically.

"Alexis," Javi said meaningfully. "Tell me the truth, not just what you think you're supposed to say."

She looked back out at the bullpen, where Kevin was sifting through variables on the murder board. He looked good, and Alexis had always been a sucker for his three-piece suit. Still, she hadn't been prepared to see him, the man she loved, the man who hated her. She hated the way he'd looked at her as if she were less than nothing to him. As if they hadn't been living together, sleeping in the same bed, just a few weeks earlier. She wondered if Jenny had filled the empty space in his apartment.

Javier patted her shoulder like the big brother she'd never had. "It's okay if you're not up to this. It's probably not the best for you two to work together at all anymore, anyway. Karpowski or Beckett could fill in—"

"It's fine, Javi. Really." It was just one case. She could deal with one case. She was the one who had gotten all three of them into that mess. She wasn't going to be the one who backed out. If Kevin could handle working with her, then she could offer him the same courtesy. "It'll be like old times," she said with a weak smile.

He sighed. "That's what I'm afraid of."

* * *

When Alexis had confessed to him about her infidelity and his world had fallen out from under him, Kevin had consoled himself with one thing: at least they weren't partners anymore. At least, even though they both worked for the NYPD, they weren't in the same division anymore.

So naturally the universe decided to shit on him and throw him together on a case with his ex-girlfriend of three weeks. Thank God for Javi. If Kevin had been forced to consult with Alexis alone, well, he wouldn't have. It was almost impossible to be around her anymore, even with Javier buffering for them.

Kevin's eyes kept darting from the murder board over to the break room, where Esposito was talking to Alexis in hushed tones. No doubt giving her some sort of pep talk, or maybe an easy way out. How great would that be? To get to work on a case with his best friend and leave Alexis out of it.

He glued to his eyes to his informant—and now the victim's—mugshot as the two detectives walked over to him. Javier stepped up right next to him, while Alexis leaned against her desk, a few feet away but still within view of the board. She took a sip from the travel mug on her desk. Kevin didn't recognize it. Of course, most of their kitchen things had been his when they'd moved in together, and as far as he could tell, she hadn't taken a single plate or fork when she'd moved out. The only thing missing from the cupboards was a mug he'd gotten her at the aquarium on one of their rare shared days off. He wondered what she'd done with it.

". . . would want him dead?" Javier asked, and Kevin's attention pinged back to the case in front of them.

"Sorry, what?"

If Javier could guess where his mind had been, he didn't comment.

"Can you tell us about your informant?" Alexis asked, no doubt repeating Javier's question.

His eyes darted over to hers, and her gaze dipped down to the floor for half a moment before raising back up to meet his stare. She looked exhausted, pale, and terribly breakable, but she didn't break eye contact with him again. Kevin looked away first, stepping up to the board to point at the mugshot. "Antoine Park. Thirty-seven. He was a dealer for a heroin kingpin who's been rumored to work through night clubs across Manhattan. I'd been working with Antoine for a month or two. He wanted out, wanted to disappear, and we'd discussed the possibility of getting him into WITSEC if he could offer intel on his boss. Last night he was found in an alley with his throat slit."

"You think he'd been made?" Javier asked.

Kevin shrugged. "I don't know. It's months of work down the drain if he was."

"Why else would he have been murdered just when he'd tried to start turning his life around?" Alexis asked, skeptical. She'd stepped up closer to him, and he could just make out the scent of her shampoo. It was the same one she'd used when they'd lived together. Something floral that made his mouth water like some sick Pavlovian reaction. Alexis wasn't looking at him anymore, instead she was studying to picture on the board and the few facts that had been written on the dry-erase, her lips were pursed, and a crease had appeared between her eyebrows. Kevin knew she was good, and he'd seen her in action enough to know that her mind was travelling a mile a minute, working through the variables in front of her. He used to love watching her work. Now the whole thing only pissed him off.

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that the question was valid. That she'd done nothing wrong, said nothing wrong, was just doing her job like he'd asked her to. But those facts apparently didn't compute to the hurt, feral animal inside him. The sick compulsion to never let her forget, for even one second, how monumentally she had fucked things up. "Feeling sorry for him, Castle?"

She peeled her eyes away from the board for just a moment, confusion shining through. "He was trying to change his life for the better. It's unfortunate he didn't get the chance."

"'Cause every sinner deserves redemption, right?" he sneered. "He was a dealer; he ruined lives. And he was only working with us to save his own sorry ass. So you'll excuse me if I'm not going to shed a tear."

She shook her head. "I never said—"

"Some things can't be forgiven, you know," he said meaningfully. "And some people don't deserve redemption."

As soon as the poisonous words left his lips, she shut down. That frenetic energy stilled, those cogs whirring in her mind screeched to a halt. What little color remained in her face slipped out of it, and he watched her shoulders hunch forward just a bit, her gaze skittered down to the floor. One moment a brilliant homicide detective, the next a kicked puppy. Kevin had never felt so sick and delighted in his life. She blew out a breath, her voice dark but weak. "Right. Because you're such a saint." He saw the beginning of tears shining in her eyes.

Anger painted the world around him a bright red, and he moved into her personal space just as Esposito grabbed his arm and yanked him back. "Really?" Javier shook his head. "You two can't make it ten minutes?"

"I'm sorry, Javi," Alexis said. She wiped at her eyes, clearly trying to find composure, but Kevin didn't feel sorry for his response at all.

"You know she cheated on me, right?" Kevin asked loudly, inviting anyone and everyone to be a part of their conversation.

Javier swore under his breath. "That's enough." He took Kevin by the arm and dragged him into the empty interrogation room. He pointed at a chair and barked. "Sit!"

"I'm not your dog," Kevin said crossly. Javier slammed the door, leaving him alone to stew in his anger and misery. A few minutes later, he returned with Alexis in tow. Bright red patches colored her pale cheekbones as she stood on the other side of the table. She looked almost as angry as he felt.

"Say whatever shit you need to say, get it out of your system, and then start acting like goddamn professionals," Javier said. "We have a case, and you two need to leave your baggage at the door."

"Where to even begin?" Kevin mused. "How about this? She went out one night and decided to fuck some stranger. She didn't even know him and she let him touch her, let him be inside her."

Alexis looked like she was going to be sick. "I'm so sorry, Kevin. It was a mistake."

"A pretty goddamn monumental mistake, don't you think?"

She nodded. "Yeah, it was. The biggest mistake I've ever made." Her voice was hollow, and she looked like a shell of the Alexis he used to know, the Alexis he'd fallen in love with.

Of course, the Alexis he'd fallen in love with never would have cheated on him.

Alexis wiped her eyes. "Well, it seems like things worked out just fine for you. You have Jenny, you can finally be together now that I'm not standing in the way." Her voice cracked. "I hope you're happy with the choices you've made."

Javier's head snapped to the side, and he pinned Kevin with a glare that would've made a weaker man afraid. "Jenny?" he mouthed at Kevin.

Kevin huffed, and a bit of his anger dried up under the weight of his best friend's glare. Mustering up the last of his toxic fury, he locked eyes with Alexis. "I am happy with my choices." He'd never told a bigger lie in his entire life. "The only thing I regret is wasting my time on you." He moved to the door, shouldering past Esposito. "Great idea, Espo. I feel much better now." He let the door to interrogation slam behind him and tried to erase the image of Alexis' stricken face.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"Ryan, can I talk to you for a minute?" Javi said, holding a cup of coffee in his hand and gesturing toward the break room. Kevin looked at the cup and shrugged, figuring that he'd need a caffeine kick to make it through the rest of the day.

After his tirade in interrogation, Alexis had returned to the bullpen to grab her things, her eyes red and her face mottled, and then she'd left for the remainder of the day. Kevin had heard her mention something about "apartment hunting" to Javier on the way out, and a fresh wave of betrayal washed over him. He'd wondered if she was going to see the guy again, the one she'd cheated with. She could now. She was free, untied, and about to have her own place again. The world was her goddamn oyster.

Just like it was his. What little good that "freedom" did for him. The bright side was that he and Javi had been working together in the hours since with exactly zero redheaded interruptions. They were actually making progress. It felt just like the old days.

They walked into the break room, Kevin first, followed by Javi, who closed the door behind them. As soon as he heard Javi's sigh, Kevin turned around. "What is it?"

Javi pulled out of the chairs and flopped down, setting his coffee down on the table. "We need to talk."

"Okay, but what about? You're acting like you have bad news."

"Not bad news, but not good either."

"Just spill it."

"I'm not sure how to phrase this in a delicate way, so I'm just gonna say it."Kevin nodded, so Javier continued, "You need to start acting more professional."

Kevin took a second to let that sink in. "What are you talking about?" Though he had a feeling he knew exactly what Javi was talking about.

"I know things with Alexis are—" Kevin rolled his eyes at the mere mention of her name. Javi was wasting his time with this bullshit? Really? "I know things are tough, but it's gonna get really old really fast if I have to break the two of you apart every single time you're in the same room with each other."

"It's not every time." Kevin argued. "It's just when she's being difficult with me on purpose."

"She can't take all the blame here, man. You know as well as I do that you've made your fair share of comments."

"She should be able to brush them off. She doesn't care about me anymore, so why does what I have to say matter to her?"

"Because she does care."

"Yeah, that's not true. You know the whole story, Javi. You should know better than to believe that."

"I do know the whole story and I'm not taking sides. I just want the both of you to keep the drama away from here."

"Not taking sides? Really, because you're only talking to me right now."

"I'll talk with Alexis, too. I will. I just need to know that you will agree to this before I move forward."

"I can't believe this, Javi. You have no idea how difficult it is."

"You're right. I don't, but get it sorted out, Kev."

"Oh, well, it's been a fucking dream for me, Javi. You think I like being in this position?" Kevin let out a humorless laugh. "You think I wake up with a smile on my face, knowing that I have to come here and see her and have to pretend that everything is okay?" Kevin shook his head and then rubbed the back of his neck. This whole talk was rubbing him the wrong way. "As long as this case is going on, I have to see her on a daily basis. You think that's easy for me?"

Even Kevin knew how that sounded, but he didn't care. He had shit to say and he was going to say it whether Javi wanted to hear it or not.

"I didn't want this to happen. I didn't ask for it. What? You think I love the fact that she cheated on me after I allowed her to get to know the real me? Newflash, I fucking hate it. I hate that she got in my head. I hate that she knew exactly how to fuck with my head. I hate that I allowed her to get to know any part of me."

Kevin was ready to leave the room, he was done with it. "I can't play pretend, so if you want any real civility here, maybe you can find a way for me and her to do our work separately. You can't deny that this case has gone much more smoothly since she left."

Javier shook his head. "Kev, I'm trying to help you here. I could have skipped this part of it and went straight to Beckett, but I didn't."

"Is this your way of telling me that you're going to go to Beckett?"

"Not if I don't have to. Just promise me that you will at least try and bite your tongue around her? Try and make it as civil as you can."

"Like I said, you can find a way for us to work this case, but we will have work it separately. Don't need to run to mommy to do that, do you?"

Kevin walked out slamming the door behind him. A few people looked his way, but lucky for them, they chose to stay quiet. He wasn't biting his tongue anymore. He was pissed and tired of people trying to get involved in his life. He wanted out.

* * *

Kevin Ryan was a dick. He knew that, but he hadn't always been that way. He used to be a genuinely sweet guy. He used to get called, "Altar Boy" while growing up because, well, that's what he was. He was always the guy who tried to see the best in everyone, he always tried to do the right thing.

He joined the NYPD because of the need he felt within himself to do good. To help people. He wanted to save people by day and go home to a loving wife and child at night. He wanted to have barbecues on the weekends and go on family vacations. He wanted to grow old with the woman of his dreams and one day watch his grandchildren play in their backyard.

Basically he was kidding himself for most of his life. He was in denial about a lot things back then. When he met Jenny O'Malley, who he would refer to as "the one," things looked like they were falling into place. He thought he was getting closer to that life that he had always wanted and Jenny was the perfect woman.

Well, until she wasn't.

She had taken everything from him and left him in little pieces. He'd tried to put all the pieces back together, to be the guy that he was before meeting her, the one who had hope, but the pieces didn't fit anymore.

Then he was like a new man. A worn down and cynical version of himself. It was different, but he didn't care much. About anything really. He still loved his friends and family, but he didn't really care about anything else. He didn't crave the future that he once had before. Those things didn't appeal to him anymore. He had his job, which he still enjoyed doing, and he was able to go out and have a wide selection of women to choose from. And then he'd go home alone.

It wasn't everyone's idea of a fulfilling life, but it worked for him.

Until he met a young redhead with bright blue eyes and a sweet smile. Alexis Castle had started chipping away at his hard exterior from day one, and before Kevin could stop it, she had gotten through to him. She'd brought new and long-forgotten feelings back into his life. He had starting craving things again. A future with her. Maybe not the same future he had wanted with Jenny, but he wanted her, and that's all he had cared about.

For a while he had her. She was his and he was hers. Life was good again. But like always, it couldn't stay that way. An obstacle had to appear out of the middle of nowhere, and Kevin slammed into it head first.

Of course it had been Jenny. The woman just couldn't seem to get along without wrecking him one way or another. The bad part was that Kevin had allowed it. He'd let Jenny into his life and allowed her to draw a wedge between him and Alexis.

Maybe it wasn't Jenny's fault; maybe it was just that Kevin was such a master of self sabotage that he didn't even notice that he was to blame for what had happened between him and Alexis. What other explanation could there have been? Why else would he have let Jenny, the woman who broke him. back into his life willingly? Why else would he have pushed Alexis into the bed of another man?

Maybe he wanted that. Maybe pushing her away was the better choice than losing her later.

Kevin didn't know the reason why he couldn't be happy, but he was okay with accepting it. At least he was okay with it when he had a drink in his hand. That always made things easier for Kevin. It worked for when he had a bad day at work usually. But it didn't work when he had to deal with seeing Alexis all day.

They weren't together anymore, but she still had to pull over him. He tried to stay disconnected around her, because if he allowed himself to feel around her, he'd just get hurt in the end.

In his head he thought he could be around her, do his job, and then leave without a problem, but he was wrong. Being around her was anything but easy. It was a living hell most times. Not because she was a horrible person or anything. It was hard because Alexis called out to him. If she was around, he was always too invested in what was going on with her. He hated himself for being that kind of a guy, but that's just how it was.

Alexis didn't even know what she was doing to him, which pissed him off. He wanted to hate her. He wanted her to be the bad guy. He wanted to push all of their problems off onto her. She was the one who had cheated. Not him. She cheated on him, and somehow he was to blame for it.

He hated it. He just wanted her to be the one to blame for it all. Was that so hard?

He downed a couple of more drinks, hoping that if he drank enough he could find a way to see Alexis' faults in their breakup. Maybe somewhere along the way, he'd meet a nameless woman and find another release.

It was a lovely way to spend a Tuesday night.

* * *

Kevin didn't know her name, nor did he care. All he needed to know was that she was willing and ready and with the way her hand had been sliding up his thigh most of the night, it was apparent that she had been more than willing for whatever he had in mind.

The truth was that Kevin didn't have a game plan in mind for how things were going to work out. All he had was an end game. The end game was that he'd fuck her until he was satisfied enough to sleep and then in the morning or whenever he woke up, he'd be gone as fast as he could, never to see her again.

The Kevin Ryan that once upon a time believed in respecting women wasn't anywhere around, so he didn't have an inner voice telling him to rethink his life choices, but he did have an inner voice that told him that he needed to do what he needed to do.

That woman he 'd met at the bar couldn't possibly expect him to stick around for long. If she was looking for more than just a dick for one night, she wouldn't have spent the whole time at the bar getting filthy drunk and touching him nonstop.

His inner voice had been becoming more prominent whenever Kevin was having a particular fucked up day. Mostly those days were when he had to be in the same room as Alexis. On those days he was a little more irritable and couldn't think straight. That's when the voice would come out.

The woman lying underneath him was struggling to get his pants undone, so he raised up and took them off throwing them across the room. He was in no mood for prolonging the inevitable, so he quickly took off his remaining clothes and then started on hers. She had drank quite a bit, so he doubted she could uncdress herself without it taking forever or without hurting herself somehow.

She sat up as he slid her panties off. "Can I suck your dick? I've been thinking about it all night."

"Don't you want to come, too?"

"What?"

"Do you want to come?"

"Of course, I do. But—"

"Then don't delay it."

"You're actually turning down me sucking your cock?"

"I'm just trying to make us both happy. You got a problem with that? If you're looking for foreplay, maybe you should be in a random motel room with someone else. What will it be?"

She looked at him for a good moment, before she let her head drop. "I don't want to be treated like a whore."

Kevin rolled his eyes. His inner voice was back. It didn't have nice things to say. "I'm not treating you like a whore, but you know what this is. We both are here for one thing and one thing only and if that's changed, let me know, now."

She shook her head. "It's just—"

"Are you staying or not?"

She swallowed and then nodded. "As long as you know that I'm not a whore."

"I didn't say you were." The voice in his head didn't agree.

"Okay." The drunk woman nodded, a smile slowly graced her face again and Kevin took a moment to let out a sigh of relief. He wanted sex, not to deal with her insecurities.

The next twenty minutes was a blur to Kevin. He didn't have many memories of what took place, just that he was feeling very tired and that he was on a high after his orgasm, but not high enough for him to feel any good about it. The woman next to him was breathing heavily and trying hard to cover her body with the sheet beneath them.

"We shouldn't have done that." she said.

"Well, we did."

"You could have at least remembered my name, dickhead. My name isn't Alexis. It's—"

"Why does it matter what your name is? It doesn't matter what my name is. We both got what we wanted, so what's the big deal?"

"I just feel—"

"Maybe that's your problem. You feel too much. One night stands don't need to be that complicated. Figure out what you want. Don't go out there and lead people on if you're not serious about it. And don't to and make me feel guilty. I gave you a chance to bail and you didn't use it and you could have said stop at any moment, but again, you didn't. So don't cry about it now. It's over. Move on."

Kevin didn't know who was talking just then. Him or the other guy. He got up from the bed, pulled his pants on, and started looking for his clothes.

"You're leaving?" she asked.

"As soon as I can find my shirt and shoes." He found them a few seconds later underneath the bed. He tossed on his shirt and then put on his shoes before he reached for his jacket sitting by the door.

He turned around at the door and looked at her. The woman clearly had no idea what was happening or what she was doing with her life. He could relate. He shook his head. "Do yourself a favor from now on. Don't leave bars with strangers. You're not cut out for it."

He left her with those words. He needed a shower, and his bed at home was calling his name. That sad woman was right about one thing: he needed to start remembering names. He was getting a little tired of calling out Alexis' name.

* * *

Kevin arrived at the bullpen the next morning long before sunrise. Sleep, as it turned out, had been hard to come by. He'd barely scraped together an hour's worth of rest before giving up and getting ready for work. The alcohol had long since worn off, as had the endorphins. There was nothing to do but try to make progress on his case. The sooner he solved it, the sooner he could return to his pathetic excuse for a life, after all.

He made a fresh pot of coffee in the break room, lamenting at the early hour while the carafe filled with dark brown liquid. He felt keyed up and scraped hollow all at the same time. Tired in his bones and restless enough to scale ten flights of stairs. He began pushing his brain through logistics on his case. Certainly, he wouldn't have been surprised if Antoine had been made. The man was more than a little bit of an idiot, and he had more tells than an underage coed on spring break.

Still, if the powers that be had discovered Antoine was a snitch, well, there went about six months' worth of work trying to break into the organization. The captain wasn't happy with the recent development, and as Antoine's "handler," Kevin was first on the shit list. He need to get this solved and figure out damage control before his job was at risk.

The percolator stopped huffing, and Kevin poured some of the not-so-delicious coffee into his mug. Footsteps outside the break room caught his attention.

Alexis was at her desk, dressed in workout clothes that hung baggy on her frame. Her hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, and she occasionally bobbed her head to the music playing through her earbuds. She didn't seem to have noticed him in the break room.

He watched her wrap each of her hands and wrists in athletic tape with practiced ease. She left her travel thermos on her desk and tucked her purse away in her desk and then shouldered her duffel bag and continued to the training area.

Was this a new hobby of hers? A way to deal with the breakup? He took a few steps forward, then stopped. He shook himself, already he was slipping, letting his mind fixate on her when it had plenty of work to tackle on his case.

He changed his trajectory to the murder board instead, and stared at the variables on the board for approximately twenty seconds. Then he set his coffee mug on Javi's desk and followed Alexis to the training room.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Alexis felt tension slip away as the repetitive thump of her gloved fists against the bag worked in a counter rhythm to her breaths. It was better than meditation or yoga. Nothing else soothed the fury just below her skin, the relentless ache in her psyche.

Her new hobby, four mornings a week with nothing but the bag and her own tired body, had started right after the breakup, when Javier had made good on his promise to start working with her and teaching her a little extra about defending her. She'd all but thrown herself into the practice. Javi stepped in to train her and offer some up some of his Special Forces knowledge when he could, but more often than not Alexis was alone.

Late nights and early mornings when sleep eluded her, when the quiet apartment she shared with her dad had felt like a mausoleum, when the buzzing in her mind and the weight across her chest refused to free her, there was only one place to go.

She executed a roundhouse kick against the bag, a twinge of pain flaring in her abdomen. She breathed through it, forcing herself through the stances she'd learned by heart. It wasn't the first muscle ache she'd gotten from her new hobby, and it wouldn't be the last. Javier said she pushed herself too hard, that she'd end up hurting herself, but Alexis knew better. She wasn't even close to her limit.

"You're leaving your left side open."

Alexis' fell out of rhythm, her closed fist absorbing the impact of the bag and sending dull vibrations up her arm. She shook her hand out to ease the flaring pain in her bones as she glanced over at the intruder. Those familiar blue eyes sent her insides into convulsions and she was caught between the desire to run and a particularly fun image of tackling him and breaking his nose the same way he'd broken her heart.

No, that wasn't entirely true. She'd broken her own stupid heart by ruining everything in the first place. Kevin stepped forward from his place on the wall, looking a bit too perfect in his three piece suit. "You're favoring your right side, so your left is wide open."

"Um, thanks. I'll keep that in mind." She returned to her stance and caught him staring at her. Heat colored her cheekbones, but she studiously glanced away. "Did you need something, Detective Ryan? Espo's not in yet."

"I'm actually here to talk to you."

Her heartbeat sped up, and she tried to hide her instinctive step back, pivoting her body back toward the punching bag. "I'm busy right now."

"Right."

Alexis ignored him and instead forced her mind to count the steps and hits of her routine. Sooner or later, he'd get the hint.

"Is this a new hobby or something?" He was much closer now, less than a foot away, and her surprise threw her out of rhythm again, the bag smacking into her chest. She staggered back, gripping her side as pain lanced up her body. Maybe the sparring gym was a bad idea, after all.

"Are you alright?"

"You can't just sneak up on people, Kevin," she snapped. She pulled herself up to her full height, fighting to keep her face straight through the pain. "What do you want?"

He frowned at her, but let it go. "You're good at this."

Again, Alexis paused, self conscious and confused. What had happened to the vicious bulldog who'd ripped her apart in interrogation? "What do you really want, Ryan?"

"I… I saw you come in here and…." words seemed to fail him.

"And what? You wanted to get a little more off your chest? Tell me again what a terrible person I am?" Her heart was thumping, dread and anxiety mixing with the natural rush she'd gotten from her new pastime. Her body was primed for a fight and locked in a small space with the one person in her life who knew best how to hurt her. She felt vulnerable in her baggy gym clothes, and her hackles raised as she watched him watching her, taking in everything from her defensive stance to the messy strands of hair escaping from her ponytail.

Kevin looked tired, but there was something else in his eyes, some dark mix of wistfulness and hunger. Like a predator about to pounce on its prey of choice. In another life, that look had made her weak in the knees. But now, even as she felt heat rising in her cheeks, even as she found herself appreciating anew the way the man could wear a three-piece suit, some warning bell rang dimly at the back of her mind.

"How was apartment hunting yesterday?" he asked, his voice lower than it had been before.

"Why do you care?" Her voice was just this side of breathless, and she saw something glint in his eyes at her response. He'd noticed it, too.

"Just curious. I thought whatshisface might put you up for a while." The words dropped carelessly from his lips, as he stepped closed to her, but then his jaw tensed as he tried to smile. He was just as pissed as he'd ever been.

He wanted her to refute his claim, and because she knew that he wanted it, she refrained. She crossed her arms over her chest. "That's none of your business." Tension slipped over his entire frame, and she thought she saw that dark smoldering in his eyes blaze to life.

He was within arms' reach now. Close enough that she could almost feel the heat and emotion radiating off of him. Close enough that she was sure he could see the goosebumps raising on her bare arms. It was a callback to a game they'd used to play, back when they were together and Kevin was feeling particularly ravenous. Alexis played along, the teasing prey, always putting just enough distance between them that she was out of reach, until Kevin would snap and claim her like they'd both been wanting all along.

An animal part of Alexis wanted to fall into that role now, to back away until her back made contact with the wall, to use the exercise equipment as a shield until Kevin finally did catch her. To let him claim her like he'd used to, now in the early hours of the morning when nobody was there to interrupt them.

Still, she held onto a fragment of sense. A fragment of anger. A tiny shard that wanted nothing more than to hurt him back. "Shouldn't you be at home with Jenny right now?" The words were calculated to cut, and she told herself, even as she slung them back at him, that she would stand her ground. That she wouldn't let herself be pushed or bullied.

This was the wrong thing to say.

The space between them closed in a few strides, and though she'd told herself that she was unmoved by his anger, she couldn't stop herself from skittering back a step. He didn't look angry anymore; he looked raw. All jagged edges barely held together. She held her hands up in front of her, still wrapped in tape. "Don't."

"There's nothing—" He breathed hard, his control seemingly held by a thread. "That's not." His lips were white, his cheeks were flushed, and the expression in his eyes bordered on feral. His hands shook as he took a deep breath. "I never—" He couldn't bring himself to finish, and Alexis saw the truth shining in his eyes. He blinked rapidly, looking away as he let out a ragged breath.

He hadn't cheated on her. At least not physically. Not like she had. He'd broken her trust, and still she wondered if some part of him had fallen in love with Jenny all over again. Still she knew better than to believe that there had never been anything between him and his ex. An emotional affair, perhaps. But he hadn't crossed the line. Not like she had. He'd broken their relationship, but she'd broken _him_.

Tears burned at the back of her eyes, and her hands fell to her sides. "I'm not with him. It was a one-night thing." The confession felt like drawing poison from a wound, sharp and raw and a sick kind of release. "I still don't know what his name was. And I don't want to know."

He made a choking noise, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "You were right," she said hollowly. "I've ruined everything. I'm so—"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry," he barked, that sharp kinesis upon her once more.

But she wasn't afraid of him. What was there to be afraid of, when she'd already lost everything? "I am."

"Don't, Alexis."

"And despite the fact that you've been a complete asshole lately, I still miss you. I regret… everything."

"Enough." His eyes were shining with tears, and his ragged, angry retort sounded more like a plea.

She closed the distance between them, resting her taped hands on his chest. "I still love—"

Her back made contact with the wall, and Kevin pried her hands off his chest, pressing them into the wall on either side of her head. "Shut up," he begged, his eyes bloodshot, his voice raspy. "Stop fucking talking."

And then he lowered his head and his mouth crashed into hers. He poured everything into the kiss, longing and anger and hurt. His lips bruised her, his teeth nipped at her mouth until the metallic tang of blood spread over her tongue. He kissed her and kissed her until she was gasping for air, and then he kissed her some more.

His hands finally let go of hers, and one hand yanked her ponytail back to offer better access to her lips and throat. She twisted her fingers in the lapel of his jacket and pulled him in for more. More pain, more pleasure, more of this twisted affection that set her blood on fire and made her eyes burn. His teeth snagged on the crook of her neck, biting hard enough to white out her vision and his hand covered her mouth, smothering her cry.

"Tell me to stop," he rasped into her ear before kissing his way down to the deep indentation his teeth had left in her neck. His fingers tugged impatiently at the hem of her baggy tank top, and electricity coursed across her skin when his warm hands landed on her bare skin beneath the tank. "Tell me you don't want this."

"No."

He pulled back far enough to look at her face, making eye contact for the first time since he'd kissed her. Again, she saw a wounded animal when she looked into his face. A broken-hearted man who was hanging by a thread. A few tears slipped down her cheeks, and she saw his resolve faltering at that physical manifestation of her grief. Alexis was used to it though. If Kevin was in pieces over her betrayal, then she was an endless pool of self-loathing. No amount of tears, or wishing, or apologies would change what she'd done. It didn't change who she was.

"Alexis—"

"Don't stop." There was no stopping the tears now, but she didn't care. This was the closest thing to that sense of belonging she'd once had with him. It was a fake, broken imitation, but she'd take it all the same. "Please," she added.

Then his lips were sealed over hers, and his hands were tugging her tank over her head. Her sweatpants and underwear came off next, and her own fingers made quick work of the buttons on his slacks. He lifted her by her waist, and like a seamlessly choreographed dance, her legs wound tight around his hips. His hardened cock rocked against her slippery folds once, and then he was sheathing himself inside of her.

His hand covered her mouth once more, smothering the animal cry that ripped out of her throat. It had been weeks since she'd last had sex, since the drunken night with whatshisname, and her body struggled to adjust to the change. Kevin held himself inside her for just a moment, breathing heavily into the hollow of her neck, his fingers still curled over her mouth. Then, when he felt her relax, he began to move.

His mouth took charge of her own, and she moaned against his lips. He lifted her against him, leveraging for just the right angle, and stars burst behind her eyes as sensation lit up her base. She cupped his face in her hands, kissing him back as good as he gave.

He broke away from her mouth, resting his head against her neck as he thrust into her so deeply she was sure he was trying to brand her from the inside. "Princess," he whispered against her skin.

And then she was crying again, tears running down her cheeks as she clutched him closer to her, her legs tightening around his hips. Always closer. Because she knew that this was the best she'd get. This vicious coupling that hurt her soul as much as it kissed her body with pleasure, was the last time. This was anger and hurt and broken trust. A sick horror show of their shattered pieces even as their movements bordered on desperation. This was Kevin waging a war against her betrayal, with their bodies as the battleground. Every tear, every bruise, every gasp of pleasure and stifled sob was her penance.

It was too much. And it would never be enough.

White-hot light coiled low in her belly, and she fought against the impending tidal wave. "No, no, no, no," she whispered frantically as her toes curled against her will. She wasn't ready for it to be over.

"Yes." His hand reached between them, rubbing that bundle of nerves just right. A shockwave smashed through her, and she screamed into his mouth as her muscles clamped down on him, triggering his own release. She moaned through each aftershock, every stuttering thrust and cry bittersweet music to her ears.

When Kevin set her back down on her feet, she felt numb. Almost separate from her body. The clanking of his belt triggered her own sense of modesty, and she pulled her sweatpants back on and then pulled her tank top back over her head. It didn't seem like enough armor for the coming rejection, but it was all she had.

When she turned back to him, his eyes were shining again, and a couple tears slipped down the side of his face before he quickly wiped them away. She felt hollow, somehow worse than when he'd walked into the training room. It was like losing him all over again.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered again. She wanted more than anything for him to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her that they'd work things out. That it wasn't over.

"I know you are."

"I love you, Kevin. I always have. I n-never stopped." Emotion made her throat close, but she stood her ground. She let him see what she was now. Let him see what she'd done to herself. Let him see that she knew what she'd done to him.

"I loved you, too."

There it was again. That ugly, terrible past tense. An answer and condemnation all in one.

Alexis covered her hand with her mouth, stifling the distilled heartache that was threatening to tear its way from her throat. Her stomach twisted as reality slammed down on her anew, and she thought she might be sick.

She darted out of the training room, letting the door slam shut behind her. It wasn't until she was curled up under the women's locker room shower, the pressure and scalding temperature doing nothing to erase the memory of Kevin's body moving against hers, that she allowed herself to fall apart.

There would be no fixing things with Kevin. All the apologies and hate-sex in the world couldn't change the fact that he didn't love her anymore. She'd broken him. She'd broken them.

And it was all over.

* * *

The tension every single day that he had to walk into the precinct was reaching new heights. Everyone was aware of it and if they weren't, they had no right to call themselves a detective. After what he and Alexis had done in the training room, the tension was enough to push him to his breaking point.

She seemed entirely focused on their case, barely making eye contact with him, never touching him, always putting a good four feet of space between them. And though she was respectful to him when discussing their case, she no longer engaged when he lashed out at her, and, he noticed, she'd gotten in the habit of only being around him when Javier was there to buffer for them. She wouldn't allow him to approach her alone. Still, he couldn't not notice the way her shoulders slumped forward when he threw nasty words her way. He couldn't not notice how she watched him when she thought he wouldn't notice. He couldn't not feel the chemical connection between them in the most commonplace of moments: handing over case files, brushing past each other to add notes to the murder board, sharing an elevator on the way down to the car. Thank God for Javi.

Kevin wasn't sure if he should be grateful or disappointed for that abrupt change of heart. He hadn't felt an ounce of peace since those handful of moments when she'd been pressed against him. Part of him wanted to drink her in again, wanted nothing more than to invite her back to his apartment, back into his life, if only for the release—those few moments of peace in this monumental mess. But he knew better, and getting one fix had only made him want what he couldn't have.

He was done with it all. He hated the life he was living. He was spending his days only doing his work, but without his usual passion that he usually out into it. He'd spend his nights, thinking about the one person he wished that he could stop thinking about. It was too distracting.

He was tired of playing it out over and over inside of his head, trying to figure how he could have changed things. Maybe they'd still be together if he hadn't still tried to reconnect with Jenny, but he had. Maybe they'd still be together if they would have communicated better, but they hadn't. Maybe they'd still be together if Alexis hadn't cheated, but she had. It was an endless and useless cycle, because in the end, it didn't matter. He couldn't change anything, and she couldn't either.

He pretended to understand her side of things. He thought that he had been the one to make Alexis cheat, but that wasn't the truth. Kevin knew that it only took one person to cheat on another person. He wasn't going to let her push that mistake onto him.

What time he was running around with Jenny, he could have cheated. Jenny probably wouldn't have pushed him away, but he didn't. He never touched her in sexual way. He never thought about doing it, because stupidly, he had been in love with Alexis.

He trusted her, but she hadn't trusted him. And if she couldn't have trusted him, what the hell had she been doing with him? She should have just broken up with him, she hadn't had to cheat. She only did it to hurt him and unfortunately, it had worked.

Kevin entered Beckett's office and closed the door behind him. She'd requested to meet with him. Not only was Beckett there, but standing on the other side of the room was his direct superior in Narcotics, Mick Walsh. He had a serious look on his face, which Kevin learned was his resting face. The guy never cracked a smile.

Kevin wasn't nervous, not really. He knew that Beckett wouldn't do anything to drastic when it came to punishing him and he was also sure that she wouldn't call in Walsh for something so trivial, so he stood tall in front of her desk, waiting for the conversation to begin the conversation.

"You can have a seat, if you'd like," Beckett stated.

"No, thanks. I'd rather stand."

Beckett nodded and looked up at him, as she folded her hands over a manilla folder.

"How are you, Ryan?"

"How am I? Is that a sarcastic question?"

"No, it's a serious one. How are you? Anything going on in your personal life that might be affecting your professional one?"

Ah, so Javi had gone to her. "Listen if this about me and Castle, you need to know—"

"It is, but not entirely."

"Okay?" Kevin asked, letting his question hang. He then turned his head to look at Walsh, who just stared back at him, giving nothing for Kevin to read off of.

"I just need to know if you're taking your job seriously."

"I am. I may have some personal stuff going on, but I'm still doing my work."

"I know you are."

"Okay, so why are you asking me about it then?"

"I want to know where your head is," Beckett leaned back in her chair folding her arms. "I need to know if you're happy here."

"I am. Like I said, with Castle, we're going through some stuff."

"So I've heard." She motioned to the walls. "They're pretty thin."

Kevin sighed. "Things with her and I are not like they used to be… but that's all. I'm perfectly happy here. There's no place I would rather be."

"Are you sure about that?" she questioned, as if she knew something that he didn't. "Ryan, you've always proved yourself to me. I have no doubt that you are as capable as I know you are. You've proved that time and time again." Kevin nodded. She wasn't lying. He wasn't the best, but he definitely was one of them.

"I second that," Walsh added, finally speaking. His voice matched his stoic face perfectly. "I think you've done amazing since your transfer to Narcotics. You're one of the most valuable members of our team." He sat down in the chair next to the one that Kevin's hands were on. "And Captain Beckett has informed me about how useful you've been to her and her detectives."

It all sounded good, but Kevin was starting to get the feeling that something wasn't going right, like he was about to get bad news.

"With that all being true, I think that taking a step away from what's bothering you might be good for you and everyone else here," Beckett said, in a calm, smooth voice.

It didn't sound like she was letting him go, but he couldn't help ask, "Taking a step away?"

"I might have an offer for you, if you're up for taking it," Walsh cut in, looking up at Kevin.

"What kind of offer?"

He leaned forward and grabbed the manilla folder from Beckett before opening it. "You don't have to accept anything at this time, but like I said, there's an offer for you."

Kevin suddenly didn't feel like standing anymore, so he sat down, moving the chair closer to the desk. He looked at Beckett and Walsh, waiting for one of them to continue. He was a little anxious, but intrigued nonetheless.

"You've done undercover work before," Walsh started, staring down at the folder, not allowing him to see anything. "How did you enjoy that?"

Kevin paused for a second. Was he offering him an undercover gig? He blinked a few times, trying to gather the right words. "It was interesting. I learned a lot."

"So you enjoyed it?" Kevin nodded a few times. "Ever thought about doing it again?"

Kevin hadn't thought about it, not really. He kind of assumed those days were behind him.

"I guess that would depend. What kind of case are we talking here?"

"Nothing you haven't done before. Well, not entirely."

"That's vague."

"I'm not at liberty to discuss too much with you. But I can say that with Antoine Park in a body bag, we're looking to fill the gaps he left behind. You were mentioned by name, and I was advised to see if you were interested," Walsh said, not looking at Kevin, keeping his eyes on the folder instead.

"Advised by who?"

"The FBI."

Kevin blinked. "Wow."

"They want to set up at time to come and speak with you, if you're serious about wanting the job. Obviously you would be well compensated for the interruption this would bring to your life."

Kevin nodded. "How long does this offer stand?"

"Friday."

Four days. He had four days to make a decision. He sat in the chair, trying to decide if he was dreaming. He'd had dreams like this before. Well not entirely like this. He used to have dreams back in his homicide days that he would be in Beckett's office getting a raise or a promotion.

Hell, he even had dreamt a few times about Beckett on her desk wearing nothing, but her badge, which was on a chain around her neck. This didn't feel like one of those dreams though. He hoped not, because why else would Walsh be there?

Kevin shook his head before any more disturbing thoughts popped into his head.

"You can take your time, really think about what it is that you want to do and you can let me know."

Kevin nodded, dumbly. "Yeah, alright. I can do that." he cleared his throat and smiled at Walsh and then at Beckett. "Will that be all?"

"Yes," Walsh said, standing up and taking the folder with him. Kevin was intrigued as hell as to what the folder contained.

Kevin raised from the seat and Beckett said his name, making him stop. Was this about to turn into a sexy Beckett dream? Walsh was leaving.

"I'm not unsympathetic to whatever is going on with you and Castle, but you need to get your emotions under control, okay?"

Kevin closed his eyes. "Yeah, I know." He didn't know how possible that would be, but he had other things to focus on now. "No problem, Captain."

He exited the office and looked around. Javi and Alexis were not in sight, so that made it easier for him to sit as his temporary desk and think.

Walsh walked over to him and put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Think about this, Ryan. Don't jump into anything you can't handle. You don't have anything to prove to anyone."

The words were meant to be nice, but Kevin couldn't take them too seriously, since they were being recited by a very human-like android.

"Will do, Boss."

Walsh patted Kevin's shoulder again before leaving Kevin to sit alone with his thoughts.

Kevin didn't know exactly what to think. Was he interested? Yes. Did he like the idea of being away for a while? Yes. Was the prospect of more money motivating? Fuck yes. Was he ready to take on something so important and serious, that would require a lot of focus? He didn't have an answer to that. He'd gone undercover before. He knew how hard it was to put his civilian life on hold, cut ties with friends and family, and focus entirely on becoming whoever he needed to be to finish the job.

There was a good reason to say no, to turn down the very tempting offer, but he couldn't exactly see himself doing that.

Maybe it would be able to help him. It would give him something else to focus on and not seeing Alexis so often wouldn't hurt any. He could get away and let all of his frustration move to the back of his head where it belonged.

Had Javi been right? Maybe Kevin spent too much time focusing on his failed relationship with Alexis, when he should have just been trying to move on. Kevin wanted to move on to a certain degree. He knew that he would have to eventually, but when he was around Alexis his brain didn't work that way.

He only saw what he wanted to see around her, which was Alexis with a another guy. It was like a recording and it set him off every time.

Then again, he could try not to let it affect him. Maybe the image in his head was better than what had actually happened. Maybe the sex had been bad, mediocre at best. He definitely wasn't as good as Kevin and that was just a fact. Alexis had certainly been eager in the training room several days earlier. And she hadn't been talking about anyone else.

Kevin could punch himself in the face for being so damn smug, but instead, he just left his desk to get a cup of coffee. He had a lot of thinking to do and he'd need to stay fresh to make the best decision or the worst. That had yet to be decided.

The next two days had passed in much the same manner as every other day since his world had fallen out from under him and Kevin found himself in the break room, watching Alexis and Javier at the murder board. She was laughing at something Javi had just said, and it had been so long since Kevin had heard that sound that it sent his heart racing. He was torn between running over to them and saying something, anything, to get that smile off her face, or rushing over to them and kissing her senseless. And then still probably say something awful.

He was a dick. He was starting to see it. Just how much he allowed himself to constantly try and think of ways to make Alexis' day just a little more difficult.

Clearly he had better things to do with his time, so why did he feel that pull towards her?

He grabbed his phone and found Walsh's number within seconds.

It was time for something new. Kevin was going to get some resemblance of control back into his life, even if it was the last thing he did.

He'd been there before. He'd been at a place where he had to give up who he was. He could do it again. It would be hard, but he could do it. He was ready for the challenge and he knew that if anything could help him, it would be pretending to be someone else.

Now seemed as good a time as any.

After the third ring, Walsh answered, his usual hard, unimpressed voice.

"I thought it over," Kevin said without preamble. "I'm ready. I'll meet with the Feds."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. One hundred percent. What's next?"

* * *

Author's Note: A little late, but better than never. :) A million thanks to Mangogirl for her kind words on this and other stories. Some encouraging words go a long way. Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

The grocery store was almost empty when Kevin walked in. He was thankful for that, because if there was one thing he hated more than anything, it was grocery shopping. He was only getting a few items that Gwen didn't have for the dinner she was throwing him.

Gwen knew that Kevin would be on a case and most likely she wouldn't be hearing from him for a while, so she wanted to have a family dinner before he took off. She hadn't done it the first time he'd gone undercover, because Kevin hadn't mentioned it to her, but after she'd gone to Javier and Beckett to report her brother missing, Kevin had learned his lesson.

Gwen seemed a little worried, but Kevin had tried to reassure her that he would be fine and that the chances of anything harm coming to him would be very low. He'd gone undercover before; he knew what he was doing. Sure, he worried too, but he also had confidence in his own abilities.

He just wanted Gwen to believe in him.

Walking down the aisle, Kevin searched for the assorted items that he'd need. Gwen had given him a list: assorted cheeses, beans, green onions, tomatoes, and corn chips. Kevin had gathered the three different cheeses that were required, grabbed the tomatoes and green onions, so all that was left was beans and corn chips.

Thankfully it was such a menial task that Kevin didn't need to put too much effort into paying attention. His mind was on other things. He was going undercover again. He had a lot of planning and information to remember, and if he was being totally honest with himself, he was probably putting more effort towards those things so that he wouldn't have to think about all the things that could go wrong.

As long as he had his persona under lock and key, memorized the pertinent information, and relied on his training, he wouldn't have to worry about much of anything, but he also knew that he could easily mess up the whole thing and that was what worried him the most. He tried to ignore those thoughts, though. They weren't of any help.

Every so often Kevin would think about the people in his life and think about what it meant to leave them behind. Not everyone knew that he was leaving for a undercover work, but he knew that they would come to that conclusion if they gave it enough thought. Javi had figured it out soon enough and Kevin didn't even have to tell him much of anything. Javi was smart like that though.

He wondered if Alexis would ever put the pieces together. It wasn't a huge leap for her to make, after all. He'd done a couple small stings undercover when they'd lived together, but nothing of this caliber. The assignment he was taking on could easily take months, if not a year.

Kevin didn't want her to know where he'd gone, and he'd given Javi a fake story to tell her if she ever asked about him. He didn't think she would, but on the off chance, he wanted to have a story ready for her. Javi didn't like it, but he could hardly go against Kevin's wishes and Kevin knew that he wouldn't.

Leaving and not telling Alexis seemed like the right thing to do. That didn't stop him from thinking about her though. Those few days of working on a case together, coupled with their moment in the training room, were evidence enough that they needed to stay away from each other. He couldn't be around her without hurting her, and having her around never failed to mess with his head. He wasn't even close to being over Alexis, and he had a funny feeling it'd take a long while to achieve that.

On the bright side, where he was going, he wouldn't have the time or luxury to think about her. Maybe a few months without her taking up space in his brain were exactly what he needed.

Finding beans had turned out to be harder than Kevin initially thought it would be, but after looking closer he saw a couple of cans pushed back farther on the shelf. He reached back, pulling both cans out and also knocking a can of kidney beans off the shelf. He cursed under his breath as he bent down to pick them up.

His phone starting ringing when he put the cans back on the shelf. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and saw Gwen's name across the screen.

He answered, "I've got everything but the corn chips, and I'm on my way to get them now. I should be there soon."

"Good. I was also going to ask if you could pick up a bottle of wine. I'll pay you for it when you get here."

"I'll see what I can do."

Kevin turned into a new aisle and stopped when he saw a woman further down. Her back was to him, but he'd know that red hair anywhere. He paused for a moment and vaguely heard Gwen saying something, but her voice seemed to be coming from far away.

Of all the grocery stores in all of Manhattan—

"Kevin?"

Kevin shook his head and pressed the phone closer to his ear. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," he said, his voice much more quiet than it had previously been.

"I said that I would prefer red to white."

"Okay," Kevin said, debating whether or not if he should walk away. Why did she have to be down the same aisle as him?

"Alright. I'll see you when you get here."

"See you."

Kevin hung up and then carefully moved closer, almost sure that he was imagining it all in his head. She wasn't the only redhead in the world, so he didn't need to freak out. The jacket that she was wearing did look familiar though. He walked past her, forcing himself not look in the her general direction. He looked at the different brands, sizes, and colors of chips that surrounded him, but in his peripheral vision, his focus was on the redhead.

He absentmindedly ran his fingers over the bags, not really doing anything, but watching to see if she'd notice him. It wasn't as if he wanted to walk over and talk to her, but part of him wanted her to notice him.  
It had been weeks since he'd last seen her, and though he'd been burying himself in preparations for his assignment, all those feelings he'd been carefully ignoring came rushing back.

Kevin, being a glutton for awkward situations, coughed loudly and made sure to knock a bag off the shelf. It was maybe the dumbest thing he could have done in that situation, but Kevin did it. He had a dinner to get to, but here he was trying to get her notice him, even if it did make him look like a moron in the process.

He tried to sneakily look in her direction, to see if she even noticed him, but she was putting something back on the shelf. Kevin sighed and bent down, picking up the bag placing it back on the shelf. He felt like a moron, just like how he looked. Before he could do anything else, he heard her voice.

"Kevin?"

He stopped, but didn't look in her direction immediately. He had no idea what to say. Why did he have to get her to notice him. He bit his lip and turned around. "Oh, hey."

"You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine."

Alexis looked down at the ground. "You left your basket on the floor."

He looked down and then picked it up. "I'm headed over to Gwen's. She wanted to have a family dinner," he offered, even though she hadn't asked.

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah," he murmured. It was so awkward and Kevin didn't know how to move the conversation forward. A voice in his head was telling him to just say goodbye and get the hell out of there, but strangely he couldn't force himself to leave.

"It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Um, I've been good. Just working, you know? How've you been?" he asked, like he didn't just cause a scene in the hopes that she would notice him.

"Fine," she said quickly.

He wondered about what Alexis would think when she would find out about him leaving.

"That's nice that you have Gwen and the kids."

"Yeah, I've got them." Kevin said, looking her over. Even though she looked as beautiful as ever, he couldn't help but notice that she did look like she hadn't been sleeping good. "You have your dad, right?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Things with him are going well, but he's still a work in progress, you know?"

He didn't want to know, just as much as he did want to know. It was a struggle, but Kevin was weak and couldn't help himself.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

"You mean, like dating?"

"Sure."

"No. I'm not. How about you?"

"Nope. Haven't really been searching out anyone. Don't know if I'm ready for a relationship."

Kevin blinked. What the hell was he doing? Why was he telling her that? Not only was that too much information for such a simple question, but he also just alluded that he didn't want to see anyone. What if Alexis was thinking about...No. Why would Alexis want to get back together with him? Kevin shook his head at himself.

"Oh, well that's interesting."

Interesting? "Why?"

Alexis took a deep breath and shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I thought that you might get back with Jenny."

Kevin stared at her for moment, trying to figure out if she had actually suggested that he would get back together with Jenny. Was she being serious?

"What?"

"I just thought that would be that case, you know, since I was out of the picture."

Kevin dropped his head, trying to gather himself. He could already feel heat waves coming off of him. "I don't know why you would think that. She was the reason we ended, so why would I be with her now?"

Alexis shrugged. "I don't know, I just thought…"

"That I wanted to be with her?" he guessed.

"Well yeah. I mean, it's okay to admit it now. You wanted to be with her when we were together, right?"

"Absolutely not!" Kevin yelled and then realized that they were in a grocery store and that he yelled loud enough for everyone to hear him. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "It was never like that."

"Okay." Alexis said with a nod, like the conversation was over, but Kevin was just getting started.

"No, why would you have asked such a stupid question?"

"She wormed her way back into your life when we were together, I figured that she would have done it again since we had broken up."

"And I would have taken her back, because I'm just that weak?"

"No," Alexis sighed and shook her head. "That's not what I said."

"You implied it."

"Maybe because…" she stopped herself. "I should get going."

"No, what were you going to say? I'm here, so say it."

"Kevin, I don't want to get into this."

"Say it."

Alexis looked around and shook her head. "Maybe I thought you would get back together with her, because you were feeling horrible about how things ended with us. Maybe she would play on your emotions and-"

"Seriously? You think I haven't learned my damn lesson? Letting her back into my life was a mistake."

"You didn't seem to care at the time."

"At the time, I wasn't thinking."

Alexis folded her arms across her chest. "Well maybe things haven't changed."

Kevin let out an audible breath. "Wow. Those are great words coming from the woman who fucked another guy behind my back."

"Yeah and while I was doing that, you were with Jenny just like you always seemed to be towards the end of our relationship."

"That's such a fucking cop out and you know it. I made a mistake by letting Jenny into my life again, but that didn't entitle you to go out and fuck someone else. I certainly wasn't fucking Jenny."

"Or were you? I remember the kind of guy you were when we first met, you'd sleep with anyone with a cute smile."

"I bet you wish that you could blame it on me, but what you're so pissed about is that you were the one to ruin it all. You couldn't keep your legs closed and that's why we ended. Don't try and get out of it, by deflecting. It makes you look weak and pathetic."

Kevin knew somewhere in the back of his head that he was letting the conversation get out of hand and saying things that he shouldn't have, things that he was saying just to make Alexis mad, but he didn't care. He only really felt comfortable being the "Asshole" version of himself, so that's what he was doing.

"Wow, so much for having a civil conversation."

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Blaming me again. I thought we were doing great up until you mentioned Jenny. Are you that stuck on it? Why?"

"I'm not stuck on it."

"Then why bring her up?"

"I wasn't trying to start anything, I truly wasn't, but I should have known better, seeing as how we can't have conversations like normal people anymore."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I guess so. The good thing is that we don't have to try these out anymore." Kevin almost wanted to tell her that he'd be going undercover, but he didn't. He didn't need her to worry about him. She'd already proven that she didn't care about him. To her, he was the same guy that he was when they first met. He couldn't change her mind.

"I have a dinner to get to, but I hope you have fun tonight, thinking about how you let your own insecurities lead you into a life of bitterness and loneliness." He turned away and almost regretted trying to get her attention in the first place.

He knew he was an asshole, he'd been told that by more than a handful of people and for some reason that asshole version of himself was at his best when he was around Alexis. He didn't fully understand why, though. It wasn't like he actually hated her or had a reason to be an asshole to her, that's just what he did.

He wasn't the type of guy who could lead a simple and happy life, his past had proven that time and time again. No, he was the guy who was doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over. That mistake being, love.

What good did being in love get him? It had brought him only pain.

He felt like a teenager complaining about being heartbroken. How could he have allowed this to happen? He shook his head, thankful more than ever that he would be able to get rid of Kevin Ryan for a while. Kevin Ryan was a fuck up.

Kevin walked through the store, not really sure what he was doing. He was so mad at Alexis and himself, hell, he was even pissed at Jenny once again. It was like nothing had changed at all. He checked the list Gwen had given him, making sure that he had everything.

Of course he didn't. He needed chips, which were down the aisle from which he just escaped Alexis. He said, fuck it to himself and grabbed a few bags of doritos laying on the shelf next to the check out lane. He'd tell Gwen that they ran out of corn chips.

If it weren't for the text Gwen had sent him, he might have left without getting the wine. He trudged through the store, keeping a watchful eye for a redhead and luckily he didn't see her for the rest of his time being there.

Kevin Ryan was a fuck up, but Fenton O'Connell would do better.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

One Year Later

The night began much the same as many other nights as a homicide detective. They'd recently closed a case, and Alexis' day had been a mind numbing montage of paperwork and coffee refills, her eyes burning from starting at her screen and her neck aching from poor posture.

She'd hurried home and showered, ate a quick dinner of cereal, and went to bed early. From there, she tossed and turned in her bed, unable to get comfortable. Restlessness pulsed in her bloodstream; she could have used more time at the sparring gym that morning. Maybe she should have gone after work. It could have helped tire her out.

It had been one year since the breakup, since Kevin disappeared off her radar. And Alexis was doing just fine. Her case-closure rate had skyrocketed in the last twelve months, due in no small part to the sheer amount of time she spent working.

The number of visits to the afterhours clinic had increased as well, but Alexis didn't mind a few sprains and bruises. They were the natural result of her nighttime hobby—hours spent prowling for information on her suspects, working her cases alone while tiptoeing down the line that separated lawful investigating and vigilante justice.

As long as she had a case, she didn't mind anything at all. Her career had never been better, she'd never been more physically fit, and if her routine was a bit obsessive, it at least helped make her city a safer place. Yes, Alexis was doing just fine.

She rolled over again, her mind overwrought. Desperate for something to occupy it and coming up empty. Maybe some tea would help her sleep.

She padded out to her small kitchen, pulling out a box of chamomile tea and a mostly empty bottle of whiskey. As she set the kettle to boil, her phone rang from inside her bedroom. Alexis almost tripped over herself in her haste to answer.

"This is Detective Castle." Almost instantly a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "I'll be right there." Alexis wasted no time changing and pulling her damp hair back into a tight braid. The world settled back into equilibrium.

She had a new case.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Alexis met Javi just outside the scene. He led her behind a row of buildings to a dimly lit alley. The body of a young woman was stretched out on the concrete. The girl's short skirt and corset top were torn and askew, her tights were shredded, and a thick iron choker cut into her neck. The cause of death was clear: she'd been asphyxiated.

Alexis kneeled next to the body, melancholy slipping through her mind. She stroked a strand of the girl's long blonde hair away from her face, then lifted her hair to see a small padlock keeping the collar secured shut. "Any ID?"

"Not yet. Unis are canvassing the nearby clubs to see if anyone knows her."

"Time of death?" She asked Lanie, who was working on the other side of the body, holding up the dead girl's hand. Her fingernails were chipped, torn and bloody. Likely from trying to pull at the collar.

"A few hours ago. I can tell you more once we get her back to the lab." Lanie turned the corpse's hand over, revealing something scrawled in blue pen on the inside of the girl's wrist.

"Is that an address?" Javier asked from behind Alexis.

"Seems that way," the M.E. responded.

Alexis snapped a picture of the address on her phone, then looked back down at the girl's body. Guilt curdled her stomach even as that twisted feeling of euphoria slipped through her veins. She'd been glad to get a new case.

She shook her head. This wasn't her fault, but it was her injustice to correct. She had a new murderer to catch.

"Call me as soon as you find something." Alexis left Lanie to continue her work. She nudged Javier on the way back to her car. "I'll see you at the precinct."

* * *

Some hours later, Alexis found herself hunched in front of her computer once more, her eyes wide and bloodshot from the several hours of research she'd been conducting.

"How's it coming?" Javier asked, setting a fresh cup of coffee beside her. He looked over her shoulder at the computer screen and then did a double-take. "What the hell are you looking at?"

She sat back, allowing him full view of the screen, and the website she was clicking through. "Umbra."

"Am I supposed to know what that—"

"The letters on the vic's arm are an address. An address to this fetish club in the city: Umbra. This is their website." She let her eyes skim over the homepage, which advertised things like private and public play spaces, and featured images of scantily dressed men and women tied down for their leather-clad partner's amusement. Alexis' stomach flip-flopped at the sight. On the one hand, it was disturbing to see human bondage on display for entertainment after the body that had been found earlier. And on the other, Alexis' skin heated when she recalled the similar way Kevin had occasionally tied her down. She'd loved it.

"You think this club is connected to the murder? Her body wasn't found anywhere near it."

"Think about the cause of death. It can't be a coincidence. And it's a lead, if nothing else."

He nodded. "We'll go check it out. See if anyone there knows her."

Alexis hesitated. "You go. I'll stay here. Lanie and CSU should be reporting soon."

"You okay?"

"Tired," she confessed, then shook her head. "And this place," she tapped on the screen. "I don't know. It just freaks me out, I guess."

Javier smirked. "Don't knock it till you try it."

She suppressed her own response. She had tried it, sort of. Had loved it, too. And the thought of opening that box of memories was a little too much for her.

Javier nodded. "But yeah, that's fine."

"Thanks, Javi. Let me know if you find anything."

* * *

Speaking with their victims' loved ones was the worst part of the job. Alexis did her best to make sure they were well taken care of as she gently pressed them for answers, but it was still hard. More emotional Russian roulette than a delicate balance.

She sat across from a young woman name Nicole, the roommate of their most recent victim. Days had passed, reports from CSU had come in, Lanie had shared all the information she had to give, and a narrative was taking shape.

The girl they'd found a few nights prior was named Amelia Parry. She was twenty-four years old and worked as a lab technician at a blood bank. Her tox report was clean, she didn't seem to have any enemies, and when Alexis had spoken with her parents, they'd been beside themselves and at a loss for why their daughter had been brutally murdered. That part wasn't so surprising. Parents rarely saw their children objectively, and posthumous parenting tended to be summed up by grief and placing their dead children on pedestals. Unless the suspect was fairly obvious, parents were typically not much help.

Alexis hoped that Nicole could be a little more forthcoming.

"It was her new boyfriend," Nicole insisted through tears.

"New boyfriend?

"Yeah. She's been really into him for the last few weeks." Nicole dabbed at her eyes as her face twisted into a teary grimace. "I've had such a bad feeling about him, the way she's been acting lately—"

"What do you mean?" Alexis pressed. Amelia's parents and coworkers hadn't indicated any change in her behavior.

"The kind of things she's been reading, the things she said about this guy, the things he asked her to do. I-I borrowed her laptop a week ago to work on my thesis, and the websites she had up… it was like something out of _Fifty Shades of Grey_." Heat spread over the girl's cheeks. "We've been best friends for years. We live together, and I didn't know she was into any of that before she met this guy."

Alexis nodded, her mind spinning a million miles a minute. The lead to the club had been a bust, according to Javi. None of the staff recognized Amelia, and the club's surveillance footage didn't show her at all, either. The manager, Luis Salvadore, had promised to quickly notify the NYPD if he'd found anything, but neither Javi nor Alexis expected to hear from anyone there.

"What has she told you about this guy?"

Nicole blinked rapidly, then shook her head. "Not much. She's been pretty secretive about it, but she's mentioned that he's been showing her a whole new lifestyle, and that he's really opened her mind." Nicole frowned at this. "Before their dates, he'd call her and tell her what to wear. It was really strange."

"And did you ever learn his name? Did she show you a picture of him?"

Nicole shook her head sadly.

Alexis patted her hand. "This is helpful, Nicole. Thank you."

After seeing the young woman to the elevator, Alexis rejoined with Javier, who had been listening silently to the whole interview. "What do you think?" she asked him.

"Just confirms what we already suspected. I don't see it bearing fruit."

"I disagree." Despite the lack of evidence, Alexis' gut told her the club was tied into this girl's murder. At minimum, it was a lead they hadn't finished investigating. "We have the boyfriend—"

"Whose identity we have no way to determine."

"We have her phone records. We'll have Torie search her laptop. Maybe then you'll get your fruit." Alexis rubbed her face. "A young girl ends up murdered with some lethal version of a submissive's collar with the address of a fetish club on her arm and a new, mysterious dominant boyfriend who's showing her a new way of life. What are the odds all of that isn't connected?"

Javier's eyebrows rose. "Submissive collar, huh? That's some fancy lingo."

Alexis didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her blush. "I've been researching. You know, to solve this case."

He sighed. "This isn't about odds, Alexis. We're not making bets. We're running a homicide investigation. We need proof. Hell, even a name would be fantastic at this point."

"Why does it feel like you're giving up on this?"

"I'm not," he assured her. "I just don't want to see you crashing and burning from all these giant leaps you're making."

"Occam's razor, Espo. The simplest conclusion is usually the correct one."

He smirked. "Simple doesn't exist in our line of work, Alexis. You know that. You wanna keep pushing with this kinky boyfriend angle, we're going to need proof."

She sighed. He was right, and she hated it. "I'll get proof." It was a promise to Javier, to herself, to Amelia.

"During work hours, right?"

She paused, keeping her face as neutral as she could, though a new tension was coiling between her shoulders. "Obviously."

"I'm not stupid, Alexis. I know how you've been boosting our closure rates. And I'm asking you to stop. I don't want to find out that you've been working this case after hours. Do you understand?"

"You won't."

"Because you won't be working off the books? Or because you'll just keep it a secret?"

"Whichever answer helps you sleep at night."

Javier swore. "Listen, I know things have been hard for you since the breakup, but—"

"It's not about that!" She took a breath, keeping her eyes locked on her partner's. "I close cases because I've been taught by great detectives. And last I checked, you weren't complaining when the mayor gave us a raise for our good work."

"Your work," he snapped. "And I'm gonna need that money to afford a therapist after things go sideways on you one night and you end up in a bodybag. So you can go ahead and chalk that up as a wash."

"I have work to do." She shoved past him and returned to her desk, taking several deep breaths to calm herself. When she opened her eyes, Javier was heading across the bullpen to the elevator, and Amelia's picture was still smiling up at her from her desk. Alexis stared at the photo for a moment longer, then set it aside.

She had a murderer to catch. How she caught him was irrelevant.

* * *

Kevin remembered with startling clarity the last time he'd seen Alexis Castle.

He recalled the pallor of her skin, the haunted look in her eyes, the heartbroken anger that churned in his stomach. It never got easier, not since he'd watched the door close on the Alexis Castle part of his life, and he knew, logically, that sooner or later he'd run into her again.

What he never expected was to see his ex-girlfriend fawning over a drug dealer in the middle of a fetish club.

Kevin had been making his rounds through the club, secure in his undercover role, when his eyes caught on a familiar redhead.

Alexis was perched next to the man, leaning so far over that she was practically in his lap, her ruby lips stretched in a saccharine smile. The man's eyes were glued to her chest, which seemed on the verge of falling out of her corset.

Nothing but his years of undercover work kept him standing in place, his face resembling something like nonchalance. His gut reaction was caught between wanting to cross the room and drag the redhead out of the club, or to hide in the back room until she left so his cover wouldn't be blown.

Why the hell was she here? Of all the people to stumble into his undercover op, why did it have to be her? Was she into kink now? Things had started moving into a more colorful side of vanilla—Alexis had called it vanilla with sprinkles—before they'd broken up. Had she developed a stronger taste for that kind of thing? It had been a year, after all. Who knew what kind of things or people she was into now.

Still, there were safer clubs than this one. And sure as shit there were safer men to hook up with than the one she was practically on top of. He watched as Alexis leaned forward and whispered something in the dealer's ear with a sly grin. A tiny tendril of envy twisted his stomach, and Kevin looked away. After a year, she still affected him.

With a concentrated effort, Kevin took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders. Cold calculation, one of his best undercover tools, started filling the gaps in his brain. She was an adult and, as far as he knew, she was single. On top of that, she was a brilliant detective with a formidable set of self-defense skills. She could look after herself. It was no longer his job to worry about her.

Plus, it was unlikely for her to recognize him. It was possible, of course, but unlikely. A year of distance had worn at her memories, and Kevin had gone to great length to look different for the job. His own sister, Gwen, hadn't recognized him when he'd tested the new look. Sure, there were similarities, but Alexis wouldn't expect to find him here in the first place. No, hiding wouldn't help. If anything, he needed to establish his cover and be confident in his persona.

The dealer's eyes locked with Kevin's, and they nodded a greeting at each other. The dealer wouldn't be too happy for Fenton to interrupt his scene, so he kept his distance. Alexis' eyes followed her partner's just briefly over to Kevin, and, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her do a double-take. Kevin was grateful for the dim lighting of the club, and pretended not to notice the redhead as he sauntered over to another member of the operation, a woman named Tessa who tended the bar in the club. She was dressed as a wicked dominatrix, all patent black leather and heavy makeup as she served drinks to their patrons and acted as the gatekeeper for those looking for something stronger than alcohol. Presently, she was pouring tequila into a shotglass, which she subtly downed a few moments later.

"Slow night?" Fenton asked, leaning against the bar. A few patrons were clustered in couples or small groups around the club, but it wasn't overly populated that evening.

"In more ways than one," she pouted.

Fenton fought back a smirk. "It's still early. Prince Charming could walk through that door any second."

"I'll believe it when I see it," she snorted. Fenton knew that while plenty of people, men especially, frequented the club, few of them were comfortable or naturally inclined to bottom. "Don't suppose you're feeling adventurous?"

"When I'm feeling that kind of adventurous, you'll be the first to know."

"Ah, well, can't blame a girl for trying." She took another shot. "Want some?"

He shook his head.

"You don't want a drink, you won't take a hit… I haven't even seen you play in forever. Have you forgotten how to have fun?"

Fenton shrugged, his gaze tracking the club and mentally noting that the dealer and Alexis were no longer in the lounge. His heart skipped a few beats, and he clenched and unclenched his fists. They were probably in a private room by now. The thought shook him more than he wanted it to. As far as he knew, that dealer wasn't unkind to those he scened with, but the idea of Alexis cavorting with that kind of man, a man who was in the business of wrecking lives, made Kevin's skin crawl. For a few moments, he considered checking the surveillance footage to make sure nothing untoward was happening, but he knew better. He had a job to do, Alexis or not, and he'd come too far and worked too damn hard over the last year to set it all aside now.

"Fine. I'll take that drink," Fenton said suddenly, shrugging again. Tessa grinned at him, and it was almost too easy to fall deeper into the act, to let that carefree smirk pull at his lips. The alcohol burned on the way down, but something about the act was soothing. This was who he was now. This was his role to play. He had a job to do, a kingpin to take down, and Fenton wouldn't let anything, not even some redhead from another life, stand in his way.

* * *

If Alexis was being honest with herself, she was getting a little tired of this song and dance.

The dom/suspect frowned down at her. "Do you want to use a safe word?"

Alexis shook her head. "I-I don't think so. I just…" her voice was just this side of sticky sweet with a carefully practiced hitch that made her sound extra vulnerable. "I mean… can we talk about it for a minute?"

Her suspect nodded, though she could tell he was confused. It was understandable, really. Not three minutes earlier she'd practically been purring in his lap. He sat down on the edge of the bench, next to her. "What are you worried about?"

Alexis chewed her lip, keeping her gaze low. Most of the doms she'd met reacted to the physical signs of submission, and putting on that act tended to get her more information than anything else. Much as she would have been more comfortable in a position of obvious control, a domme wasn't the kind of partner her suspects would be looking for. Thus, Alexis found herself spending several evenings dressed brazenly and manipulating power-hungry men into talking to her. "That you'll hurt me."

"You have a safe word. If you use it, I'll stop. I won't do anything you don't want me to." His words seemed as measured as her own mincing concerns, but unlike her pseudo-fears, she believed him. This man may associate with dealers and at least one murderer, but he seemed like a good, respectful dom, which meant he probably wasn't the murderer she'd been seeking.

Still, there was only one way to know for sure. The tip from Amelia's roommate had proven useful and with Torie's help, Alexis had gotten access to a private blog that Amelia had been using to chronicle her life and her relationship with her mystery boyfriend, who she only ever referred to with strangely reverent and masculine pronouns: He and Him.

Clearly, Amelia had planned to keep her private life private, but that hadn't stopped the young woman from describing their encounters in great detail. The reports had every hallmark of the erotic romance novels that Alexis pretended not to enjoy, but they were absent of useful information: no names, no physical descriptions of her boyfriend's appearance. The time stamps weren't particularly useful, either. Especially since nowhere in the blog entries did Amelia specifically mention a location. And though Alexis was certain it was no coincidence that Amelia's body had been found with the address to Umbra scribbled on it, that was hardly enough evidence to justify a warrant.

But there had been one detail that she could use: Amelia's boyfriend had a tattoo on his chest. And if the description in her blog was accurate, Alexis knew she was looking for a very specific design.

"Do you want to do this, or not?" The man asked, drawing her out of her thoughts. Alexis sized him up, trying to decide if he was the one who had hurt that girl.

She wrapped her arms around herself, then let her gaze drift back down to the floor, keeping her voice small. "What if we start and I change my mind?"

"That's what your safe word is for."

"You won't… I won't have to…."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." He looked tired of the mental gymnastics, but he remained polite. And unlike the a few of the other doms she'd "questioned," he didn't try to persuade her or touch her outside of their negotiated exchange.

She leaned closer, resting her hands on his chest, her fingers separated from his skin by a single layer of leather. "Can we just take it slow for a minute?" Her mouth was mere inches away from his own, and she batted her eyelashes at him, never quite making eye contact.

When his mouth pressed against hers, she knew he bought her submissive act, hook, line, and sinker.

She let the kiss grow more heated, counting seconds until an appropriate amount of time had passed for her to make her move.

She pushed the heavy leather vest over his shoulders, exposing his chest as the vest thumped to the floor. The dom didn't seem to mind. In fact, he took her wrists in his hands, and nibbled at her neck, murmuring that she was being a naughty girl.

Alexis' stomach sank when her eyes locked on his bare chest. No tattoo. He wasn't her guy. She'd have to do this all over again—again.

"I don't want to do this," she said softly, pushing at his chest. "I'm sorry."

The dom looked confused. "You don't?"

"No."

"You want to use your safe word?" He clarified.

She nodded. "Red."

"Cold feet?" His smile was humorless, and she couldn't really blame him for feeling cheated, not after how she'd thrown herself at him.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time."

His feet carried him to the door before he stopped. "You should be more careful, little sub. Not everyone is as respectful as me." The door closed quietly behind him, and Alexis let out a breath. Another suspect crossed off the list, another disgruntled dom, another night of ending up alone in a private room. Hopefully they didn't talk to each other. It would ruin her plans if she were to be flagged as some kind of tease.

Her eyes landed on the wall, which was lined with instruments for impact play. She shuddered, remembering the bruises on the corpse.

In all her encounters with strange men, she hadn't yet been on receiving end of those tools, for which she was grateful. Alexis hadn't felt an ounce of desire during her time in that club, despite its promise of all kinds of sins. No doms, and certainly no elaborate torture apparatuses, was enough to tempt her into sticking around for more than just work.

Alexis hadn't forgotten the last time she'd felt anything resembling lust, but the memory was too painful to conjure, so instead she took a deep breath, affected her posture into something submissive and delicate, and headed back to the lounge. The night wasn't over yet.

* * *

Alexis knocked another dom off her list that night. He had seemed disappointed, but got over it quickly—several minutes later, Alexis saw him in conversation with a pretty blonde sub. She'd watched the two of them for a little longer than was normal, noting the way the dom seemed to cage his body around the sub through the subtlest of gestures, and the way the woman's body softened to accommodate him.

The chemistry was palpable, and Alexis knew the jilted dom had managed to turn the night around. With a sigh, she decided to call it a night. She'd need to be at the precinct in just a few hours.

She felt a sudden tingling on the back of her neck. The feeling had followed her around like a phantom all night long. She glanced around, her eyes landing, once again, on nothing in particular. With a sigh, she headed to the changing rooms to get back into her street clothes.

Outside in the hallway, her corset, skirt, and stockings traded for dark jeans and a blue henley shirt, she stumbled upon a man and a woman speaking in low voices.

"Please, Mr. O'Connell, I'm out," the tired-looking sub said. "I just need—"

"To pay back what you owe from last time. You shouldn't even be here."

The girl scratched at her arms, looking devastated. From her hidden spot further down the hallway, Alexis noticed the scars trailing up the inside of each elbow. Dark red scabs glaring out against the girl's skin. Drugs. The girl was a user.

"Please, Mr. O'Connell," she whined, reaching for him. "I'll pay it all back, I just need a little more—"

"Come back with the money, and you can get your fix." The man's voice lilted in an accent Alexis couldn't quite place. A New York cadence mixed smoothly with something exotic.

"I'll bring the money… I just don't…" The girl dropped to her knees in front of him, reaching for his belt. "I can pay in other ways."

Alexis stepped back in shock, the heel of her boot scuffing loudly on the hardwood floor. The man and woman both turned to her then, and the image was frozen into her mind. The young, emaciated woman kneeling in front of the man, her hands on the front of his suit pants. The man had her wrists in a tight grip, and before he'd realized they were being watched, his face had been etched in disgust.

She recognized the man, of course. She'd seen him earlier that evening, and the striking similarities to her ex-boyfriend had momentarily knocked the wind out of her. It had taken no small amount of mental gymnastics to assure herself that it wasn't Kevin she'd seen. And now, standing mere feet away from the man, she was sure it wasn't him. There were similarities, certainly, but the man in front of her, this Mr. O'Connell, watched her with brown eyes, not blue, from behind thick-framed black glasses. Stubble hugged his mouth and jawline, and the expensive looking suit held thicker muscles and broader shoulders than Kevin had. His hair was closer to auburn than brown, grown a little longer and wild than Kevin liked. No, this man wasn't Kevin. He was dangerous, likely some sort of drug dealer, and right now his features were twisted into a snarl as he watched Alexis like she'd be his next meal.

"Excuse me," she said quietly, stepping back once before pivoting on her heel and walking at a brisk pace toward the exit.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Alexis wasn't sure how to feel about what she had seen as the club. All she knew was that she was naive to think that the women and men were only there for one thing and one thing only. It never worked out that way.

That women was a junkie and was clearly willing to do whatever it took to get her next fix, which made Alexis scared and worried for the woman, but it also intrigued her. Her actions were those of a sub. She was willing to do whatever it took to please the man in front of her. Maybe her vic had, too.

Maybe she hadn't been a sub at the club. Maybe that was just a place she frequented because people were dealing out of there. Why hadn't that occurred to her before?

Alexis dug through all the information she had on her vic, scanning for the one paper that she needed to confirm her suspicions. The toxicology report showed that there were no drugs in her system. Alexis looked again at the report and bit her lip.

Alexis could have been wrong, maybe the vic had been a sub who got involved with the wrong dom, but the thing with Alexis was that when she had her mind made up and was feeling particularly excited about a hunch, she followed through with it.

To anyone else, they may have seen this as simple black and white case, but that wasn't how Alexis felt. If she could prove that the vic had been killed because of drugs, then maybe she could find out who she was buying from, and if she figured that out, maybe she could put that dealer out of business. Alexis couldn't turn away now.

She bit her lip. If the vic hadn't been going to the club to get drugs for herself, maybe she was going for someone else? Maybe she was just a middleman who got caught in the sights of a dom who wanted more than she could bargain?

She tapped her pen on her desk, as she read over the same file she had read countless time already, but the difference now was that she could look for different things.

Alexis' mind went back to the scene she saw at the club the night before. The woman begging for a fix. Maybe her vic had bought from Mr. O'Connell before. Maybe she didn't have enough to give him, and when he tried to get something else from her, she resisted and things just went to shit from there?

While thinking about the man, Alexis remembered they way that he had looked at her. As if she was somehow a waste of space just because she happened to stumble across him. The look he'd given her sent chills up her spine because she had only seen one other look like that before in her life. It was a look she had seen in Kevin's eyes when he found out about her infidelity. Whenever she thought about that look in Kevin's eyes, she always got shivers that would roll down her spine and it also made her sick to her stomach.

It was weird that she ever thought that O'Connell resembled Kevin in any way, but that look, they had that same look and Alexis didn't know what to think about it.

The next time Alexis went to the club, Fenton O'Connell would be the first person on her list.

She set the files down on her desk and sighed before rubbing her temples. While she was supposed to be piecing together a plan for how to get any information out of O'Connell, Alexis' mind kept going to Kevin. She used to see him in the bullpen, talking to Javi or even Beckett, but he hadn't been around for a while.

"Hey, Javi," Alexis said to her partner. His face was buried in a file.

"What's up?" he said, not looking up.

"Um," Alexis started, feeling a little nervous. "I haven't seen Kevin around lately."

"That's not a question, Alexis."

"No, it isn't, but I think the question was implied."

Javi nodded and then set down the file as he stood up and then sat on the edge of his desk, facing Alexis. "He left."

"Left? Meaning, what?" Alexis asked.

"He accepted a job in Boston, apparently he thought that a change of scenery was needed, so he talked to Beckett about it and then he left."

Alexis' mind reeled over the information. She tried to process it, tried to understand how it could have happened, but her mind was blank. It didn't make any sense to her. Kevin loved his job, he loved New York, he loved so many of the people he worked with. His decision to leave wasn't adding up in Alexis' head.

"Boston?"

"Yeah, it came as a bit of a shock, but," Javi shrugged his shoulders. "It was his decision to make, so he made it."

"Wow," Alexis mumbled, unsure of how to react.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you before, but I figure it would be best to put it off, you know, wait to see if you even wanted to know."

"Of course I would want to know, Javi."

"Why? You and Kevin aren't close anymore. Every time you two were in the same room I thought you'd kill each other."

Alexis couldn't deny that. "It hasn't been easy, but Kevin and I have a history. If he left, it would have been nice to know. I figured I…" She stopped herself. Why was she unloading on Javi? It wasn't his fault that Kevin left. It wasn't his fault that things were so twisted with her and Kevin.

"You figured what?" Javi asked, his arms crossed, eyes focused on her. She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed, releasing a sigh.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. Like you said, Kevin and I are nothing to each other anymore, why should I care where he is?" She cleared her throat and gathered her emotions. "This is a good thing."

"It is?"

"Yes. If Kevin wanted something different, wanted to be somewhere different, then I'm happy for him." Even to Alexis' mind, she sounded like a liar. She nodded to Javi. "Thanks for letting me know."

She knew that Javi wasn't buying her charade, not one bit, but he just nodded and then returned to his work. She sighed quietly, thankful that he'd given her an out.

How was she supposed to feel about this? Was it crazy to assume that if Kevin was going to move that he would tell her about it or was she just expecting too much? Maybe he had lost all respect for her. She shook her head slumped down in her chair, looking at the file in front of her. She was definitely going to the club tonight. She'd never needed a distraction more.

* * *

Alexis had been at the club for over an hour, casually walking around and scanning the employees and patrons for Mr. O'Connell. He was nowhere to be found. Her mouth twisted in defeat, and she found herself at the bar.

"What can I get you?"

Alexis looked up and caught the gaze of the bartender, the same dominatrix she'd seen her target talking to the night before. Alexis shook her head as an idea occurred. "Nothing to drink, but I am looking for Mr. O'Connell. Have you seen him?"

The bartender frowned. "Who's asking?"

"Me. I want to talk to him."

"Well, I've not seen him yet tonight, but I'll let him know you asked. What's your name?"

"Thanks," Alexis said, brushing off the bartender's question. She left the bar and began moving through the crowd again. Should she just go home? That guy was the best lead she'd gotten since setting foot in the place. She didn't want to waste her night waiting around, but she didn't want to miss out on a chance to speak with him, either.

As she stepped into the hallway leading to the locker rooms, a heavy hand gripped her upper arm. "Where're you going, little sub?"

A dom towered over her, a dark smile on his face. Though he was handsome enough, tall and blond, with white, perfectly straight teeth, there was something in his face that made the hairs on the back of her neck rise. His grip on her bicep was tighter than comfortable, and though her instinct was to push him away because she rarely allowed anyone to touch her anymore, she let his possessive touch remain.

Alexis recognized the look on his face, the purpose in his eyes as they raked over her frame. She'd seen that expression before, countless times, in the faces of every criminal she'd put away. Unlike the other doms she'd dangled herself in front of, this man wasn't looking for control or pleasure. He wanted to hurt her.

Her heart picked up in excitement. Was it possible that the murderer had fallen into her lap? Would it be so easy? She made her body soften, tilting her head in a submissive posture. "I'm looking for you," she purred.

His free hand slid around her back, into her hair, twining his fingers through her locks in a gesture of complete control. "Is that so?"

Alexis nodded, capturing her bottom lip between her teeth.

The dom leaned forward, so their noses were almost touching. His eyes were cold and apathetic. "What's your name?" he asked.

"Does it matter?"

He looked momentarily taken aback, then he sneered. "Guess not." His fingers fisted in her hair and he shoved her in front of him, pushing her down another hall to the private rooms.

* * *

The security cameras in the club made for entertaining television, if you were into that kind of thing. There was an endless supply of couples in power exchanges, playing out their kinks and most secret desires in public spaces. The exhibitionists.

Fenton, however, was not into either exhibitionism or voyeurism, so he gained little joy from his time spent reviewing security footage. It was a necessary task, but not a particularly enjoyable one.

He stopped the footage, zooming in when a familiar redhead passed into view. Alexis.

Tonight she was dressed to the nines in a short black skirt, fishnet stockings, stilettos, and a dark green corset top that she was practically spilling out of.

He'd seen all sorts of outfits over the last several nights, just like he'd seen her throwing herself at one dom after another, often two or three in the same night. He'd watched as she'd sought them out, batted her eyes at them, played the part of desirable submissive, chatted them up in a way that clearly meant she wanted something from each man.

At first, Fenton didn't care much about it. If she wanted to play, that was her right. She'd certainly been submissive enough when she'd caught that junkie soliciting herself to him in the back hallway.

Fenton had been convinced that he was fucked, but instead she'd turned her gaze downward and hurried away. Not so much a detective as a startled animal. No, Fenton didn't see her being an issue. She was just another woman seeking release. The detective in his mind wasn't overly pleased by this new development, and Fenton could sense his frustration, his disapproval. But Kevin knew better than to get involved.

Until Fenton realized that she might not be looking for sex or submission. Rumors had started about the redheaded sub who loved to lure a dom in and give him a case of blue balls. She was building a reputation as a tease.

A sad possibility had occurred to him then, that maybe the redhead was looking for something else that the club dealt in, that she was more interested in the drugs that were peddled under the table rather than anything the dom could offer her.

Kevin had immediately shot that down. _That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. She's a cop. She's not looking for drugs. She doesn't use._

 _She wouldn't be the first of New York's finest to develop a habit,_ Fenton had responded. Fenton was much more pragmatic about the possibility; he didn't have the history that Kevin had, so it was easier to suspect the redhead for the likely answer. If she wasn't hanging around the club to play, then what was she there for?

 _Not drugs. She's smarter than that._

Kevin had been adamant, so Fenton left it alone. To be fair, the redhead didn't _look_ like a user. Still, he'd made a point to look into the club's recent transactions and clients. Even if she wasn't using, there was something strange going on. Fenton had seen her draw men in with her body and mannerisms, he seen her chat with them, and some of the men disappeared with her into private rooms. Then, in far too short a time for any sort of fun to take place, he'd seen the doms reappear on the floor, more often than not looking furious. Alexis would usually follow after a fashion, looking nothing like the seductive woman who had lured them in. If anything, she looked pale, thin, lost. Like she was searching for something impossible to find.

Kevin lurched at that image. He knew something was wrong. It was almost eerie, unsettling to see that siren mask fall back into place as she sought her next target.

"What are you looking for?" Fenton murmured as he watched the live security footage.

Alexis was near the bar now. She'd looked like she was talking to Tessa, but now Seth was talking to her. Unease prickled in his stomach. Seth wasn't a dom; he was an animal. Cruel, vindictive and easily offended.

He watched her simper at Seth, falling back into her persona. Their exchange was short, and soon Seth was pulling her by her hair to the private rooms.

The camera caught Alexis' wince as she was dragged away, and a snarl ripped out of Fenton's chest. No, not Fenton's. That reaction was all Kevin, and he wasn't about to let Alexis continue her game with one of the resident psychopaths.

His phone chimed with a text. A picture of Alexis, no doubt taken by Tessa. "She was asking for you," the text said.

"Shit." He rubbed his face and stood, toggling through the security footage in the hallway outside the private rooms to determine where they were holed up. He left the room, allowing the door to lock behind him as he walked briskley to his destination.

It was time to put a pin in this.

* * *

Alexis took a deep breath, keeping all of her instincts at bay. Don't lash out. Lure him in. Find out if he was the man she was looking for first, and then she could put him back in his place.

He kicked open a door and shoved her in front of him so hard that she stumbled. Protective instincts were on high alert, and she scrambled to her feet, flipping her body around to face him. He reached for something on a table next to the door, and her eyes landed on a black bag just a second before her brain understood the implication.

"Wait!" Her hands flew up, and she caught one of his wrists as he tried to shove the bag over her head. Bright light burst up the side of her face, pain echoing through her cheekbone, her ear ringing in disorientation, and her took advantage of her moment of weakness, shoving the bag over her head and cinching the drawstring shut under her chin. "Stop!" she shouted, tasting blood in her mouth. "Red! Red!" She reached for the bag, but he gripped her wrists painfully, pulling her against his chest.

"Did you really think you'd get away with it? Running around like a cocktease every night?" He leaned closer, and she could feel the heat of his breath through the bag. "It's time you learned your lesson."

With a snarl, Alexis smashed her forehead into his face, then, gripping his shoulders for leverage, slammed her knee upward between his legs.

The dom shouted in pain and surprise, and Alexis took the opportunity to back up and yank the bag off her head.

"You fucking bitch!" Still holding his injured parts, blood streaming from his nose, the man stumbled back against the door. There was so much hatred in his eyes, she honestly couldn't tell if he would back off or try to finish what he'd started. Her mind was spinning with adrenaline and bits of information, but now wasn't the time to process it.

Alexis stepped forward, sizing him up, showing him she wasn't afraid. That he wouldn't make her cower. To her satisfaction, the dom took a half-step back, pressing himself against the door. Their scene wasn't going according to his plan, either, Alexis realized. The thought only made her angrier.

"I'm leaving now," she said quietly, her face throbbing. "Get out of my way."

He spat at her, his saliva and blood landing at her feet. He clearly wasn't used to his victims fighting back.

Alexis bristled, ready to push him out of the way if necessary, when the door was shoved open, and the dom was knocked against the wall.

Mr. O'Connell stomped into the room, looking from the bloodied dom to Alexis, who was somewhat disheveled from the man's rough handling. His eyes narrowed on Alexis' face, and she suddenly felt self conscious about her swollen, heated cheek.

He didn't raise his voice, but Alexis felt both his authority and his displeasure sink into her bones, even as he quietly said, "What the hell is going on in here?"

"This is the sub Antonio was talking about," the dom supplied. "The one that's been poking around and acting like a—"

"Enough," O'Connell snapped. "You," his eyes locked on Alexis. "Come with me."

He held out his hand, and Alexis hesitated. She wanted out of that room, away from the man who had hurt her, but she wasn't exactly eager to end up in another situation with another criminal. And even though she'd been wanting nothing more than a private audience with Mr. O'Connell, in that moment all she wanted was to return to the refuge of her locked, safe apartment.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, then stepped forward, taking Alexis by the arm and physically pulling her from the room. She resisted, but his grip, though gentle, was unbreakable. It wasn't until they were several paces down the hallway that he allowed her to jerk her arm out of his grip. She backed against the wall, watching him warily. "Thanks for the help, but I think I'm gonna go home now."

"I'd like to hear what happened." He looked around. "In private."

"I think it's pretty obvious," she mumbled, avoiding his gaze. This man watched her like he could read her thoughts. Like he could see past the bravado and knew about all the broken pieces beneath it. Alexis realized her hands were shaking, and she curled them into fists at her side. The adrenaline was beginning to wear off, though she wasn't yet out of danger.

"You look like you're about to be sick," he said it matter of factly, not an ounce of worry on his face.

Cold sweat clung to the back of her neck and she felt goosebumps rise on her skin. She couldn't lose it in front of this man, this drug dealer. And she would certainly lose it if she kept standing in that hallway. She pushed off the wall, forcing her shaking legs to continue in the direction he'd been taking her. "Where are we going?"

He fell into step beside her. "My office." She saw him glance sideways at her out of the corner of her eye. "Do you need to sit down, or something?"

"I'm fine." She let him lead her, ignoring the way her heartbeat was pounding in her skull, the way her legs felt both a hundred pounds and brittle as a dried reed. She kept her breaths as even as possible, riding out her body's response. She'd had adrenaline crashes before, during dangerous encounters with suspects and criminals, and she'd eventually been fine. The only difference now was that she didn't have anyone to back her up. She needed to handle it herself.

By the time they reached a shining wooden door on the second level of the club, her vision was beginning to tunnel. Alexis leaned against the wall, vacantly watching O'Connell's hands as they inserted a key into the lock. He pushed the door open before turning to her. A far off mumbling sound echoed dimly in her head. She didn't understand it.

She flinched when warm hands cupped her chin, tilting her head up to look him in the eye. He was terribly handsome, she realized. Even the blurrier parts. He must not have liked what he'd seen in her face, because that beautiful face twisted in displeasure, and suddenly the world slipped out from beneath her feet and she was surrounded by the warm steel of his arms and a rich, masculine scent.

Realization hit her. Oh, shit. She was going to pass out. Not acceptable. Not safe. Not advisable. The fear only made the world recede faster.

Alexis clung to that last thread of consciousness like the lifeline it was, and even though her senses blurred and ebbed, she was aware of certain sensations: her back pressing against sometime soft and supportive, something light and warm cocooning her, a cool cloth pressing against her heated face, her neck. Gently murmured words washed over her, though she couldn't understand them.

Slowly, the haze shifted, and Alexis lifted her ten-ton eyelids. The first thing she saw was honey-brown eyes framed by those black-rimmed glasses. There was a crease between his eyebrows. Words tumbled and bounced around in her ears, but it took several long seconds before they registered.

"You with me, Red?"

"Lexis, " she mumbled, her voice rough as she thoughtlessly replied. "My name is Alexis."

A half-smile pulled at his lips and he gently pressed the cool cloth against her forehead. "Fenton. Fenton O'Connell."

His surname sent a stark dose of reality plummeting through her hazy brain. A drug dealer. A criminal. A suspect. Alexis sat upright, her head spinning and protesting the sudden change. Fenton was there, his hands firm on her shoulders.

"Take it easy."

She jerked his hands off her shoulders, ignoring both his frown and the pang of disappointment. It had been so long since she'd been touched, and he'd been so soothing and gentle. A soft blanket had slipped down, pooling in her lap. She shivered as her bare arms were exposed to the air, then tensed as she caught Fenton watching her every move. He sat in front of her on an ottoman, his elbows resting on his knees. "Thank you," she said, more to fill the silence than anything else.

"Don't mention it." He watched her for a second. "How are you feeling now?"

"Good enough." She looked around the warmly light, ornate office and back to the chaise lounge she'd been laying on. "How long—"

"About ten minutes."

She nodded. "Good thing you knew what to do."

"I know sub drop when I see it. You're in the right place for that, at least."

Alexis tensed, and her eyes flicked down to her lap before she could stop them. From what little she'd gathered, that phrase was meant for a slew of physiological responses to a scene, usually bad responses, the symptoms of which were not unlike her adrenaline crashes. Aftercare usually helped alleviate and prevent most of those responses, hence the blanket wrapped around her frame, the cool cloth against her skin, and the kind and gentle way it had been dragged over her skin.

She couldn't believe the man in front of her was the same one she'd seen the night before with that user. That man was all coldness and hard angles and…. Feral. There was an predatory quality to the snarl marring his features and the way his body turned to face hers that night. Now, his body casually folded over the ottoman in front of her, he merely looked concern. Clinical, yes, that coldness was still there, but, and this was the stupidest part, Alexis felt a measure of safety with this man. Just because he'd come between her and that other dom, just because he'd been kind to her and had administered to her when she hadn't been entirely lucid… That didn't mean he wasn't a threat. He was a dealer, after all. And, judging by the state of his office, he held a lot of power at that club. Yes, he could definitely be a threat if he wanted to, and, here in his office, her body coming down from its shock, she might actually be more vulnerable than she'd been with the dom in that playroom.

"He didn't give you anything, did he?"

"Huh?" she asked dumbly, her thoughts yanked to the present.

Fenton's response was to lean forward, brushing a strand of hair from her face, his fingers testing the temperature of her skin. "Are you dizzy again?"

"No," she said, equal parts wanting to smack his hand away and savor his touch. She allowed herself two extra seconds of the gentle contact before pulling back. His hands returned to his lap. "What did you say?"

His gaze seemed almost microscopic. "I asked if he gave you anything. The man you were with."

"Oh. No, he didn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," She nodded. "We didn't drink together. Or anything else, really."

"Good. No need to add inebriation to the mix."

There was a certain amount of judgment in his words, and Alexis frowned. "What do you mean?"

Fenton shrugged. "You've been teasing a lot of the doms in this club lately. Drinking would likely worsen the consequences."

"Are you saying that it's my fault this happened?"

"No, the fault lies with that man alone, but actions have consequences and because of the attention you've drawn, I can't guarantee your safety at this club. The men here can be…" His mouth twisted, " surprisingly sensitive if their authority is challenged."

"Isn't consent supposed to be paramount?"

"Yes, to a good dom." He nodded.

"You're a dom?"

"Pretty obvious deduction, there. I think the less obvious thing is whether or not you are truly a submissive."

"Of course I'm a sub." Alexis shook her head, like his doubting her was ridiculous. Like she wasn't worried about her paltry cover being blown.

"You dress like one, but I somehow doubt that you've ever submitted yourself. Or that you seek any kind of submission." He reached out to her again, a gentle brush of his fingertips along the inside of her wrist. Alexis shivered at the touch, something blooming inside of her for a potent half-second before she pulled her wrist back.

"What really brought you here tonight, gorgeous?" Fenton pressed.

Alexis forced her expression to remain neutral. One part of her screamed to leave, to go home and quit the stupid charade. The other was desperate to know how he'd discovered her so fast. She met in the middle and stuck to the original plan.

"I'm looking for a dom," she said.

Fenton leaned closer, watching her like he wanted to have her for dessert. "You're looking at one. What can I do for you?"

She shook her head. "I don't want—"

Long fingers wrapped loosely around her wrist in an imitation of a much more intimate act. Her skin tingled where he touched her. His gaze was unyielding, those amber eyes looking like they could see through her act completely. Still, his expression was nothing but amused, and he licked his lips. Alexis felt her own mouth water as she watched that simple action.

"I didn't realize you were so selective," his voice was a low rumble.

The implied, or perhaps overt, insult shook away the sinful haze that was settling around her brain. She yanked her arm back, and was surprised when she met resistance. Fenton didn't move any closer, didn't take up any more of her personal space, but he also didn't allow her to retreat.

"A real sub looking for a real experience doesn't throw herself in front of a string of doms and then bail before any of them touch her." His fingers gripped her wrist just a little tigher. Not enough to hurt. Just enough to make his point clear. "I'll ask one more time: what are you doing in this club?"

She pursed her lips, a long history of defiance straightening her spine and steeling her resolve. "Why do you care?"

"Because I can already tell you're looking for trouble." He leaned closer, one hand still on her wrist and the other reaching out and gripping her chin. Alexis gulped at his heated, unrelenting gaze. "You've already found it once, but somehow I think you still haven't learned your lesson."

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

A feral grin tugged at his mouth and those honey eyes flashed with amusement. "The man who just saved you from your own mistakes—you never did thank me for that—and more important, I'm the man who can have you barred from this club."

Desperation hit her hard, and the words slipped out of her mouth before she could decide whether or not they were a smart thing to say. "If you ban me from this club, I'll go to the police. I'll tell them what I saw. What's the going rate for drug dealing and prostitution these days? Ten years in prison?"

Just like that, the feral animal surfaced. Fenton's eyes widened, then his lips drew back in a snarl. His body caged over hers, one arm on either side of her head, forcing her to lean back on the chaise to not touch him. "What proof do you have about any of that?"

His face was inches from hers, his body betraying a need to conquer and control this new threat. Still, she didn't back down. "My word counts for a lot with the NYPD—certainly enough for an inspection. I wonder what they'd find here if they did a drug bust?"

His nostrils flared, and she could see the tensile energy in the limbs that caged around her. He was just barely restraining himself.

"What do you want?" he spat

"I told you—"

"Don't fucking lie to me!" His chest heaved, his breath was hot on her face, and something about his tone pinged on her internal frequency, made her want to give in and become soft, to stop the charade.

"I'm not," she hissed. "I'm looking for a dom and—"

"Go find one somewhere else. There are other clubs."

She shook her head. "No. I'm staying here."

For half a moment, Alexis thought Fenton might touch her, how cruel his touch would be, she had no idea. Then, that beat passed, and Fenton retreated back at the ottoman, running his hands through his hair.

"Fine," he said, his voice clipped. "You can stay. But if you want a dom, it'll have to be me."

"What?"

"I obviously can't let you keep up this… whatever the hell it is you're doing here. You can stay here, but it'll be on my terms. You want a dom? You can have me. I'll teach you what I know and try to help you find whatever it is you're looking for. It's me or the door. End of discussion."

"Not end of discussion—" she interjected.

"Or," he continued, "you can walk out of here and go to the police, and when they can't find a single fucking piece of evidence to back up your claims, you'll be blacklisted."

"And what if they do find evidence?"

"You willing to bet on it?"

Alexis hesitated, and a smirk spread across Fenton's stupid handsome face. They both knew he'd won. "Unless, you're not interested?" he said smugly. "I'm serious about there being other clubs you can go to—"

She shook her head, her mind racing. If he was the man she was looking for, she'd just struck gold. If not, she was limiting herself to one man when she could be checking out many others. She sighed. "Fine," she said with a note of finality. "You can be my dom."

* * *

Hours later, when it was closer to sunrise than midnight, Fenton let himself into his apartment. He hung his jacket in the closet and proceeded to the kitchen to pour himself a drink.

Fenton savored the smooth Scotch that slid over his tongue and down his throat, drinking slowly because he would only allow himself the one glass.

The detective inside his mind, his own personal Jiminy Cricket, was up in arms over the night's events. He should have known that Alexis' presence at the club wasn't a coincidence and wouldn't be easy to gloss over. He should have known it'd put his assignment at stake.

He couldn't stop the night from replaying in his mind: Alexis in her sub clothes, her hair mussed, a bruise rising on her cheek, her large blue eyes alight in fear and anger. Kevin's kitten had claws, and she knew how to use them.

Seth, the Dom who had tried to teach her a lesson, sported a broken nose and, when Fenton had last seen him, was icing his family jewels. He'd definitely been worse off for his interaction with the redhead.

The passing out had been a surprise. At first Fenton wondered if she'd been faking it, but Kevin helpfully reminded him of a couple frantic calls he'd gotten from Javier Esposito, telling him that Alexis had passed out after being held at gunpoint in an alley on a case. She'd talked the gunman down and had kept him from hurting his hostage or herself, and when the danger had passed and the adrenaline had stopped pumping through her veins, she'd crumbled.

She was so sweet when she'd started coming back into consciousness. Fenton couldn't help but be charmed by the soft way she'd told him her name. It elicited a response that Fenton didn't think he was capable of, and Kevin's fond memories told him that, claws aside, this sweetness was very much a part of her personality.

Of course, that bit of knowledge did little to ease to bitterness in the detective's feelings for her, and it didn't change the fact that Alexis was a huge fucking liability.

She wasn't looking for a Dom, at least not one to play with. After sending her home, he'd followed up with Seth and Antonio, looking to get their side of the story. They weren't the only ones she'd pissed off. Though she looked like a wanton sub who couldn't be satisfied, she'd barely let any of them touch her. At least four other doms had her in their sights and were determined to teach her a lesson. Give her the firm hand she clearly needed, Antonio had said.

Fenton had shut that shit down fast, telling the men in no uncertain terms that she was his sub, and he'd be the one to decide how to deal with her defiance. Hopefully that'd be enough to keep her out of their way for a while. Fenton had better things to do than babysit than unruly sub. No, she wasn't a sub. She was a detective with just enough smarts to get herself in serious trouble.

He should have cut her loose; he shouldn't have gotten involved. But Kevin wouldn't allow that. Much as it made him sick with anger to even look at the redhead in her skimpy outfit, throwing herself at man after man, the idea of leaving her to the wolves was even worse.

Fenton tipped back the glass again, disappointed to see it empty, and the detective on his shoulder whispered that another glass wouldn't hurt. Instead, Fenton washed the glass and set it on the dish rack to dry. He replaced the scotch in the cupboard, and headed to his bedroom. It was four in the morning, but there was nothing better than exercise for working through frustration. He stripped off his suit, opting instead for some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

He started at the punching bag, letting his mind work as his body fell into a rhythm.

Antonio had been right. Alexis did need a firm hand, though Fenton's methods would undoubtedly be different. Whatever her goal, she was being reckless and stupid about achieving it. And it would be Fenton's responsibility to rein her in.

He would get her under control and out of his operation, for both their sakes.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

According to her dad, Sebastian had potential of becoming a very successful writer. Of course her father knew a lot people who were writers or who were aspiring to become writers, so when he told her about Sebastian, he had talked him up quite a bit. It almost made it impossible for Alexis to say no to going on a date with him.

She wasn't excited about the idea of going on the date, but she said yes, mostly because she wanted her father to back off when it came to her lack of a dating life, but also because her father didn't ask a lot from her and she wanted to reassure him that she wasn't giving up on dating people. Of course that was a lie, at least for the time being.

She figured that she would go, play nice, pretend to have a great time and she would never see the Sebastian again.

As it turned out, Sebastian was a great guy. He was a little awkward, but in a charming way. He was nice and sweet and genuinely seemed interested in whatever Alexis had to say. He was clean shaven, well built and had amazing green eyes. If this date had come at any other point in her life, Alexis would consider going on another date with him, but she just wasn't interested in trying to juggle everything all at once.

Kevin had left a scar, and it hadn't healed. Trying to date someone wouldn't be fair to her or anyone else.

She wondered what that she said about her as a person, that she was more than willing to agree to be someone's submissive for a case, rather than to call it quits and enjoy an evening out with a well-educated and charming guy.

Alexis didn't want to overanalyze it all. The case was important, and working at the club was her only way of finding the killer, so that's what she had to do. She told herself that it was as simple as that. Tracking down murderers was more important than having a nice dinner and flirting.

Dinner was almost over and Sebastian and Alexis had talked about a lot of things. Nothing too personal. They talked about Castle for a bit, but Alexis didn't share the chaos that was her and her father's relationship. Sebastian talked about his education and what led him on the path of wanting to become a writer.

It was interesting, but Alexis couldn't focus too hard on his words. The case had been on her mind all day, and that wasn't all that was on her mind. For better or worse, Fenton O'Connell had wormed his way into her head as well.

She didn't like it, but Fenton was her access key to the club and she was planning to use him just as much as he surely planned on using her.

"I'm sorry if I'm boring you. Once I start talking about something I'm passionate about, I can get a bit lost."

Alexis drew her attention to the man sitting across from her. She almost felt bad about leading him on. "Don't worry. I completely understand."

"Anyway, enough about me. Being a detective must be a very interesting and thrilling job," he said, in an excited voice.

"Sometimes it can be very interesting, but it's a pretty boring job, too."

"Paperwork?" he guessed.

"Yeah. I wish it was always about helping people and catching the bad guys, but sometimes it can get really mind-numbing."

While that statement was true, Alexis felt like she was lying. At that point in time, Alexis' job had never been more thrilling or interesting.

Deciding to go through with Fenton's deal had been easier than she expected, which led Alexis to believe that she had agreed with Fenton for more than one reason. She knew that part of her agreeing had more to do with her than the case. But it also scared her, knowing that she was a bit excited about how things were progressing with Fenton. It wasn't smart on her part, but it was necessary.

From the research she had done about D/s relationships, Alexis was almost sure that she was in over her head, but she was also looking forward to exploring that side of herself. She would never classify her sex life as exciting or daring, but the closest it had ever come to being called that was when she was with Kevin.

Alexis hadn't slept with anyone since Kevin and even though it was selfish, she did miss sex. She missed it a lot. Sometimes she thought she was stupid for punishing herself for what happened with her and Kevin, because she almost certain that Kevin was probably moving on with his sex life, so why not her?

Her research led her to think about what kind of a dom Fenton would be. She must have played out a thousand different scenarios between her and Fenton, trying to figure out what he would say or do to her. She blamed her vivid imagination on the wine she had been drinking.

The thought of being a sub and thinking of some of the things that Fenton might make her do, was thrilling and if she thought about it too much, she found herself being turned on. It wasn't right to think of using the case and her new connection with Fenton to play out some kind of sexual fantasy of hers and she knew that, but she didn't know if once their sessions started, if she be able to keep it professional.

"Your father told me that you just got out of a relationship," Sebastian prodded, as they finished their drinks.

Alexis sipped on her wine and nodded. "Yes. I won't bore you with all the details, but things didn't end well between us."

"I've been there," he sympathized. "My ex and I broke up after seven months of dating. I found out that she and one of co-workers had been seeing each other behind my back."

"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, it wasn't an easy time for me, but I feel like I'm better off without her being in my life."

Alexis nodded, but then put her head down, feeling a loss for words. After all, she was more like his ex than she wanted to admit. Maybe it was a good thing for him that this was only going to be a one-time thing.

"Good for you."

"I think your father thought of you, once I told him about my ex. I think he worries about you."

"I know he does." Alexis shook her head and sighed. "I understand why he worries, I truly do, but I wish he wouldn't meddle so much."

"That's what parents do. He's probably concerned you've given up on the idea of entering another relationship."

Alexis didn't know what to say to that without hurting Sebastian's feelings. "Sometimes you just need to take a break from dating. There's no shame in that, right?"

"Of course not. Self reflection is very important."

Alexis wanted to agree with him, but she had done a lot of self reflecting and it hadn't done much to sway her thoughts about herself. She did something horrible and that was evidence that she didn't deserve someone as nice as Sebastian. She deserved to be alone, and she knew that she would be for a while.

After finishing their drinks and Sebastian paid for the meal, Alexis struggled with how she was supposed to let him down easy. If he wanted another date, she knew that she would have to decline, which would not make her look good at all.

"Thanks for having dinner with me tonight."

"Oh, it was pleasure, really. My dad was right, you are a very nice guy."

Sebastian grinned. "I would ask for a second date, but after our talk in the restaurant, I'm fairly certain you aren't looking for anything to come of this."

Alexis looked down, almost grateful that she didn't have tell him that herself. "You're also very perceptive."

"I like to think I am." He smiled sadly. "I get it. It's hard to move on after ending a relationship."

"You're not upset?"

"No, of course I'm not." He shook his head. "I am a bit disappointed that I won't be able to take you out again, but it's clearly not a good time for you."

"I hope you know that it has nothing to do with you."

He nodded. "Maybe when you're ready, you'll consider giving me a call?"

"I'll definitely keep that in mind."

"And that's all I can ask for."

Alexis smiled, grateful that he was making this easy for her. "Thank you for dinner, I really did like getting to meet you."

"Likewise."

After a small, friendly hug, they went their separate ways. As if her mind was arguing with itself, she felt an urge to call after him, to tell him that she would like to go on another date. After all, it had been a perfectly pleasant date with a very sweet guy. Another part of her mind, the stronger one, told her to let him go. Her life was hectic enough and that he didn't need to be involved.

Alexis hailed a cab and stared out the car window and thought about how the evening had gone. She knew for sure that dating wasn't a priority and that she needed to keep her eye on what was important and that was the case.

She thought about the victim, about all the evidence that she had filed permanently away into her brain. She couldn't believe what she was going to do in order to find the answers that were needed, but she knew that she had to do something.

As the city lights passed by her window, her mind kept flashing back to Fenton and what was to come of her deal with him.

* * *

Fenton couldn't remember the last time he'd been so nervous. All night long, he'd told himself to keep it together, that he was in control, that he didn't have to treat Alexis as anything other than the average sub.

Every single one of those thoughts felt like a lie. Sooner than he would have liked, there was a light knock at his office door, and Alexis stepped in.

It was time for their first session.

She certainly looked the part, with her short skirt and corset top. Her red curls just brushed against the top of her shoulders, which were squared forward in determination. Kevin helpfully reminded him that she stood that way when she wanted to feel strong. Her lips were pursed in a twisted blood-red grimace, and she watched him warily.

He glanced at the fine brandy in a glass decanter on the edge of his desk, suddenly feeling that a drink would be just the thing to take the edge off of the mindfuck standing in front of him.

"Hello," she said, her voice quiet and firm.

He stood with a barely suppressed sigh. "I didn't think you'd come."

"I said I would. I like to keep my word."

The detective on his shoulder turned mean in an instant. "I bet you do" is what Kevin wanted to say, but Fenton instead gestured to the chaise lounge. "Sit. We have some things to discuss.

Instead, she took a seat on the opposite side of his desk, looking for all points and purposes like a partner on the other end of a business deal, rather than the woman who would be submitting to him. She'd barely been in his office for thirty seconds, and already she was defying him.

"Let's talk limits," he said without preamble.

She looked confused.

"Your limit is where you draw the line. Everything else is negotiable. For instance," he began, "I'm not interested in sleeping with you, and that's a hard limit."

"You don't want to sleep with me?" she asked, dumbfounded, as if it had never occurred to her that he wouldn't want to fuck her. Fenton didn't quite know what to make of that, but he was certain that it wouldn't bode well.

The detective inside him seethed a little at her confusion. Was she just looking for an easy lay? That didn't seem right. If that was all she wanted, then why hadn't she slept with all the other doms she'd strung along? "No offense, but I like to at least know a person before I get in bed with them."

"Of course," she agreed. "Me, too."

Kevin disagreed, and knew from experience that she didn't always agree in this regard. Fenton fought the urge rub his face and show how very frustrated he was with the situation in front of him. "What are your limits, Alexis?"

"Um…" She blinked a few times, her eyes landing anywhere but on him, like she was searching the office in front of her for the answer. "I'm not sure."

"You're not sure? You don't know what you don't want to do?" This was supposed to be the easy part.

"I'm not very experienced with all this. I don't know what I don't like."

"Okay." He exhaled. "Tell me about the experience you do have. You've never had a dom?"

She shook her head.

"Never got a little kinky in the bedroom with a boyfriend?"

A blush spread over her cheekbones, and Kevin helpfully reminded him of their less vanilla encounters. Bingo. "And you liked those things. What did you like?"

"It's private."

"I'm trying to determine our terms, here, Alexis. It's a very important conversation, and I can't be your dom if you won't talk to me about this," he reminded her. God, he wished—not for the first time—that she'd never come into his club. He felt responsible for her, which was stupid and dangerous all on its own, but Alexis also seemed closed off, icy, and determined to keep him at arm's length. Which would be fine if she wasn't also expecting him to be her playmate. S

he couldn't have it both ways. She couldn't play a little sex kitten and a withholding prude, and she couldn't take up his precious time and then not play by his rules. "And I'm sure I don't need to remind you that I'm the only option in this place."

She bit her lip. "Fine. He pulled my hair sometimes."

"And?"

"And he liked to pin me down, or tie my hands."

"Did you like it?"

There was a pause, and Fenton was sure she was going to turn into a tomato with how red her face was. "Yeah."

"Okay, so you like restraints and hair pulling. What else did he do?"

She shook her head, and Fenton found himself standing at his full height. The desk still separated them, but it gave him a physical advantage over her, made his frame take up more of her gaze. He purposely stepped around the desk, slowly, like a predator casually stalking its prey. He stood behind her chair, watching as her defenses went up, as her shoulders curled forward, her already tense body turning into a tightrope. He let his fingertips ghost over the back of her head, teasing her scalp, the back of her neck, and he twirled a few strands of her russet hair between his fingertips.

"Tell me," he commanded.

She cleared her throat, clearly affected by him standing so close. "Um…."

"Come on, pretty girl." His fingers sank into her thick tresses, twining the strands between his digits and pulling just hard enough to send tingles of sensation over her scalp. "Tell me what else you like."

A delicate little gasp slipped through her lips, and Fenton felt his blood run south. "It's… it's sexual."

He tugged those strands a little tighter, his cock filling as Alexis' breaths sped up. "Tell me."

"He'd use toys on me. He spanked me once. And-and sometimes he'd make me wait…"

"Wait how?"

"To come," she breathed.

Christ, how was this basic conversation such a fucking turn on? While Fenton tried to keep himself in line, he could feel Kevin rising up inside him, running her words against a memory catalogue, making sure everything she said lined up with past events between the two of them, searching for new entries that he wasn't a part of. Now was not the time to be jealous.

Fenton released her hair and idly ran his fingers through the strands, a gentle caress now as a reward for her submission. "Restraints, impact play, sensation play… sounds like we've got plenty of places to start."

He put some space between them, leaning against the edge of the desk in front of her, the filthier parts of his mind helpfully reminding him that her chair put her mouth right in line with his cock. He ignored that, totally content with the almost sweet expression in the redhead's eyes. The beginning of submission. cleared his throat, "I bet you were a good sub for him, even if that's not the label you used."

The second the words left his mouth, her demeanor changed. He saw the exact moment the walls went back up, and she looked away, her mouth thinning into a frown. "Not good enough," she mumbled.

"That's not what I meant—"

"I know it's not."

His mouth twisted into a frown, and that satisfied feeling dissolved around him. "Alexis, there's nothing wrong with wanting that dynamic… even if it's not with him."

"I know," she repeated.

He sighed. "Okay, it seems like our hard limits are the same, and we've got some places to start. Do you have a safe word?"

She nodded. "Red."

"Should we get started?" He leaned a little closer, trying to coax her into looking at him. Talking about her ex-boyfriend had sent her to a dark place, that much was easy to tell. Kevin was both triumphant and sad to see her reacting that way, and his own memories of their breakup made him feel something like shame. Fenton reminded himself that she might not be talking about Kevin, and that only made the detective feel protective of the redhead in front of him.

"With what?"

He reached into his desk and pulled out a blindfold. "Sensation play, for starters. We'll start slow."

She shook her head. "I'm not putting that on."

"Why not?"

"I'm not going willing let go of my sight. I don't even know you."

Her answer was ridiculous, in the context of what she was willing to do with him, though her self-protection instincts were pretty spot-on. Fenton remembered that the last time her sight had been taken away, she'd ended up with a bruise on her face and passed out in his office. "You can just close your eyes, if you prefer."

"Okay."

"Stand up," he said, and she slowly followed his order, frowning a bit.

He moved a couple of things aside, opening up some space for her on the desk. "Sit up here, lean back, and put your arms behind you. Palms on the desk."

She didn't move immediately, and he let his voice drop to that low pitch. "Now, pretty girl."

She settled in the right position, leaning back with her arms braced behind her, her chest thrust out, the long line of her neck exposed, and her hair hanging free between her shoulders

"Now close your eyes, and keep them closed."

"Wait, Mr. O'Connell." She breathed.

"What is it?"

"I want to know more about you…"

He cocked his head to the side. "What do you want to know?"

Her eyes darted around again, landing everywhere but on his face. "Umm… how long have you been working here?"

What the hell kind of question was that? It felt like a moment of rushed, forced small talk at the least opportune time, but that couldn't be it. His alarm bells were ringing like they did before one of the lowlifes he worked with was gonna screw him over. And his instincts were never wrong. Fenton leaned forward, grasping Alexis' chin and tilting her head up so she was forced to look in his eyes.

"What's this about?" he demanded, his voice soft but low.

"I-I want to get to know you better. I told you some things about me."

He shook his head. "People who ask those kinds of questions typically end up on the wrong side of a gun."

A crease appeared between her eyebrows, and he saw that fire ignite, that stubborn defiance. "Are you threatening me?"

"Just stating a fact, gorgeous."

"And deflecting my question."

His eyes narrowed. "A year. That's how long I've been here."

"And what do you do here?"

"Why are you suddenly so curious?"

"I want to know who I'm dealing with." She pouted her lips out a bit.

He was missing something, and she was lying. He knew it in his bones. "You know my name. You know my limits. I plan to respect your limits. And you know that I'm your only choice in this place. What more do you need to know?"

Alexis bit her lip, drawing his attention to her mouth. "I saw a woman trying to buy drugs from you the other night."

There was an unspoken question in her statement, and it felt more like an accusation than anything else. He stepped back. "And?"

"Is that what you do here?"

There wasn't an ounce of desire left in his body. Instead, his instincts were screaming about the threat in front of him. The liability. The lying, deceiving woman who was meddling in his affairs. A moment of insight sparked inside him. She was questioning him. Not trying to get to know him as a sub. She was questioning him like a suspect.

Fenton suddenly realized how vulnerable she was. Alone in his office with him, half draped over his desk, her physical disadvantage was almost laughable. And though he'd never hurt her, Kevin wouldn't let him even if Fenton had wanted to, it was all too easy for his mind to fill in the blanks. To detail all the ways he could get her to break, to explain what the hell she was doing there in the first place.

He trailed his fingertips up her cheekbone. "If I told you yes, would you leave?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

He cupped her face in his hands, leaning in close. "I want you to stop playing games with me. Stop asking questions that'll put you on the wrong end of a bullet. You understand me, gorgeous?"

Her eyes narrowed. "And if I don't stop?"

Christ, she was stubborn. And reckless. And being pretty goddamn stupid. "Then you know where the door is."

"How am I supposed to trust you to touch me when I know nothing about you?"

"Right. Because I'm the only one here with secrets," he said sarcastically.

"I told you about my experience—"

"All I know is that you have a taste for kink and went through a bad breakup. Not exactly useful information. And it certainly doesn't explain why you showed up out of the blue and messed around with some of the most dangerous doms in this club, or why I can't seem to get you to leave even though you clearly aren't here to play. Now you're asking about drugs? Do you have any idea what this looks like?"

"We're done here." Alexis hopped off the desk, grabbed her purse and headed to the door.

Fenton caught her by the arm. "You didn't get what you were hoping for, huh?"

"Let go," she snarled.

He squeezed her arm a little tighter. "I don't want to catch you down on the floor again, do you understand me? Find another club."

Alexis yanked her arm out of his grip, flashed him the middle finger, and slammed the door on her way out.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Screw Fenton O'Connell. Screw him and his questions and his goddamn superiority. She didn't need his permission to be in the club, and she sure as hell didn't need him getting in the way of her investigation.

Alexis knocked back a shot from her small table in the shadows of the club. She'd seen him out on the floor a couple times that night, lurking around, patrolling. She wondered if he was on the lookout for her.

Alexis reached into the bodice of her red leather corset, and turned the dime-sized microphone over in her fingers. Fenton may be a pain in the ass, but she got the impression that he carried a lot of power around the club. The night the dom had attacked her, he'd had no compunction lording that power over her would-be assailant. She come to the club four times since he'd kicked her out for her questions, hiding in the shadows, watching him interact with the staff and the other patrons of the club. Yes, he was very important. He knew all about the club's inner dealings, dirty secrets, who held the most power and who had the most to lose.

The best way to find that girl's murderer was through Fenton. Alexis wished she hadn't screwed the pooch on that one. He could have proven to be useful. But he could still prove useful to her, just indirectly.

She watched him head down the stairs, ready to make his rounds on the floor, schmooze people, check in with the staff. According to the last few nights, Alexis had about eighteen minutes to get in, place the bug, and get out.

She watched him head to the bar, to the pretty bartender who seemed to like the few submissive men who came through the club, and Alexis took her shot, walking purposely—but not too quickly—up the staircase that led to his office. A turn down the hallway and she was in front of his door. She made quick work of the lock with the set of hairpins she'd gotten for this very task. The internet was a useful thing. It was also where she'd found the tiny, remote microphone that she was about to plant.

Alexis closed the office door behind her and flicked on the light. Papers were scattered over the desk, and heat spread over her cheeks as she considered the memory of being perched up there, ready for Fenton to put his hands all over her. It had been a ruse, of course, but Alexis couldn't shake the regret she'd felt when she'd had to open her mouth to ask him those questions. The sweet bliss that had wrapped around her when he'd played with her hair hadn't been a ruse at all. It was a kind of pleasure that she hadn't felt in too long, not since Kevin.

At that thought, she shook her head and continued her task. She looked around the office for an ideal place for the microphone. Somewhere that would pick up conversations easily but stay out of sight. She crawled under the desk to attach the microphone. Hopefully it'd be able to pick things up from its location. Once in place, she hurried out from under the desk and returned to the hallway, securing the lock in its place behind her. She took about two steps before a couple of men turned down the hallway, stopping in their tracks with shock on their faces. Alexis recognized one of them as the man who had tried to attack her before. Seth. The man whose nose she'd broken right before she'd kneed him in the balls. He looked all too happy to see her again.

"What the hell are you doing up here?" Seth demanded.

The man at his side grinned, and Alexis realized that he was another of her conquests. What had his name been? Dominick? She'd left him unhappy, too.

"I'm looking for Mr. O'Connell." She forced her voice to remain even and nonaggressive. Maybe she could pull her sub act and get out of this none the wiser. They hadn't seen her leaving the office, thank God.

"He's not here, sweetheart," Dominick said.

"But we are," Seth grinned. "And I believe we have some unfinished business."

* * *

THWACK.

Alexis gasped and bit her lip, her body trembling, sweat trickling down her spine

"So, you wanna tell us what you're really doing here?" Seth asked with a casual grin.

"I'm looking for M-Mr. O'Connell," Alexis gasped.

THWACK.

The cane made impact on the back of her thighs again. Pain seared through her nerve endings. She tried once again to buck Dominick's grip off her wrists, which were twisted behind her back at a painful angle.

"Naughty little sub, we know you're lying," Dominick crooned. "Seth's seen you lurking in this place. He saw you wait till O'Connell came downstairs to come up to the office."

Fear slid down her spine, but she just shook her head. "I-I wanted to surprise him."

THWACK.

She bit her tongue to stifle her cry, and blood filled her mouth. She wasn't going to give these ingrates the satisfaction of hearing her scream. God, where was Fenton? He should be coming back to the office now, shouldn't he?

Though Alexis was trained with the best of them, and she could have, and maybe even should have, put up a fight against the two brutes, she didn't want to break her cover. If all they thought about her was that she was a flighty little cocktease, well, that was better than knowing she was a cop. The former resulted in her being held down on Fenton's desk by the two doms and their sick sense of justice. The latter would have just gotten her a bullet in her head.

"Tell me, baby. Tell me the truth, and I'll let you up. Maybe even give you a nice reward for your good behavior," Seth said.

Dominick laughed, and Alexis knew that whatever the reward was, she probably wouldn't like it. These men weren't dominants. They were criminals. Rapists. Hell, either of them could be the murder she was looking for. She wondered if she could get their fingerprints when this was all over.

"G-go f-fuck yourselves," she snarled. Both men tensed, and she knew it was a mistake.

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

The cane landed on skin that had already been abused, cutting across some of her fresh, new welts. She threw her head back, almost dislocating her shoulders, an animal cry of pain escaping her throat. It hurt!

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Her head spun with pain and endorphins, making the world around her harder to grasp. Shit. She could not pass out now. Suddenly, her arms were freed, and they fell by her side, twitching and shaking from residue strain.

"We caught her lurking around your office. Thought she was trying to break in."

Alexis grasped for straws, trying to push herself off the desk even though agony cut through her and her arms were weak after how they'd been restrained for so long. "I'm here to see you, Mr. O'Connell," her voice came out like a groan. "I wanted to t-talk."

"Did we fucking ask you?" Seth snarled, raising the cane again.

Fenton was there in a heartbeat, catching the cane in his palm and snapping it in half over his knee. "Get out," Fenton said, his voice low. "Now."

"But," Dominick tried, "she was snooping around."

"I asked her to meet me here," Fenton said coolly. "And you just couldn't keep your hands to yourselves."

"She's up to something," Seth tried.

"She's my sub," Fenton snarled. "She's mine. It's my call to make, and I'll be the one to discipline her if I chose to." He stepped closer to the two men. "And if I see either of you touching what's mine again, you'll have a hell of a lot more to worry about than a broken nose. Now get the fuck out!"

* * *

With glowering looks, the men left the room, leaving Alexis spread out across Fenton's desk, her ass in the air, covered only by her panties. Long, purple lines crossed the backs of her thighs, raising into painful welts. Her face was pale, and she looked utterly lost.

Fenton shoved the door shut behind him and locked it. The click of the lock had her wiggling off the desk, landing unsteadily on shaking legs. She tensed, unable to stop the whimper of pain as her skirt swished back down, the fabric rubbing against the welts dotting the back of her thighs.

Fenton took a step forward, and she mimicked him with a step backward. Her behavior resembled a cornered animal, and Fenton couldn't decide if that was an appropriate reaction or not. He'd never wanted to protect someone and scream at them at the same time.

It wasn't until she'd bumped against a bookshelf that he realized his feet had carried him across the room, less than a foot away from her.

"Don't you dare try anything," she hissed.

A question had been on the tip of his tongue. A demand to know what the fuck she could have been thinking. And it stopped on its way out of his mouth, stalled by the almost feral expression in her eyes, like a wounded animal fighting for his life. Or a stubborn, fierce woman who had just been assaulted, Kevin whispered to him.

"I don't take without asking first," he said. "You know what."

The look she gave him told him that she didn't know that, didn't really trust a word that came out of his mouth. Instead she asked, "Why did you lie to them about me?"

He considered her question. He'd lied on two accounts. Not only had he not asked her to meet him, he was fairly certain that after their last disastrous encounter, she would never agree to do anything with him ever again. He watched the color slowly drain from her face the longer she stood in front of him, watched her limbs tremble as she tried to remain strong.

He wasn't lying about all of it though. Alexis might not be his sub, but it was clear that she was his responsibility. Trying to dissuade her or push her away or even ban her from the club clearly wasn't going to work.

"You're dropping again," he said softly. "You should lie down."

She shook her head. "Right. And let you discipline me? No, thanks."

"I won't touch you without your consent. But if you pass out on my floor, you're gonna lose that control you're fighting so hard to keep." He held out his hand. "Let me help."

Slowly, reluctantly, she took his hand. He led her to the chaise lounge and directed her to lie on her back. She whimpered, grabbing onto his suit jacket when her bruises and welts pressed against the fabric.

"On your stomach, then." She eased herself down. She was so pale she looked sickly. He brushed a strand of hair from her face. "I'm going to get a few things. Just lay here while I'm gone, okay?"

"What about Seth and Dominick?"

"They won't come in here again."

When he got back, Alexis was using her arm as a pillow, watching him with exhausted eyes. He held out the soothing balm and bandages. "We need to get you cleaned up." She made to sit up, but he held out a hand. "If you'll allow it, I can take care of it."

She watched him for a long string of seconds, then nodded and shut her eyes. He pulled the ottoman over and took a seat on the edge of it. "We should stop meeting like this," he mused.

She didn't respond, and he took that as his cue to make good on his offer. He gently lifted her skirt to reveal the welts and bruises dotting the back of her thighs. He put some cooling cream in his palm, then gently applied it to the welts on one thigh, then the other. Heat was radiating from the raised, purple marks, and a new flash of fury speared through his chest. He was gonna fucking kill those idiots.

She flinched when his fingertips made contact with the marks, but she didn't make a sound. As he gently worked the cream into her skin, he noticed her slowly relax, slowly stop flinching at his ministrations.

Once the cream had been generously applied, he applied bandages to protect the abused skin.

"These'll bruise pretty badly, but you'll be fine in a few days," he said.

When she remained silent, he turned to look her in the eyes. Tears slid from the corners of her eyes, and with the exception of her almost inaudible, shallow breaths, she gave no indication she was crying.

Fenton bit back a sigh. Once she was tended to, once she was no longer at risk of dropping, he'd fully intended to find out what the hell she was doing back in the club, how she'd ended up on his desk.

And much as he prided himself on being tough, he didn't want to push her when she'd clearly had a rough night. His questions would have to wait.

Instead, he ran his fingers over her back, dragging them upward to the nape of her neck. She tensed, not expecting the soothing gesture. "You can let it out," he said quietly. "You're safe now."

Then Fenton began to gently drag his fingers through her hair, soothing her in the only way he knew she liked. She was very still at first, but as he persisted, she slowly began to relax into the chaise lounge. Animal satisfaction unfurled in his chest, awakening the side of him that took pleasure in moments like these, moments when he was in control, he was the one giving someone something they needed, something only he could give to them. The fact that Alexis wasn't just anyone, that she was fierce and independent to a fault, that he'd earned at least enough trust for her to accept this gift of his, well that just made the moment all the more sweet.

For a long time, he stroked her hair, occasionally letting his fingertips travel over the exposed skin on her arms and shoulders. That warmth in his chest grew, and his awareness narrowed only to the rise and fall of her breaths, to the sweet way she would occasionally hum her satisfaction, to the look of peace and serenity on her face. Her eyelids had fluttered shut, showing off her long eyelashes. She'd stopped crying some time ago.

If her legs didn't look like a battlefield, he would have been tempted to pull her into his lap, and Fenton had a feeling that she might have let him. "Pretty girl," he said softly. "You still with me?"

She hummed, but didn't open her eyes. Fighting back a smirk, he let his fingers sink into her tresses and grab a fistful of the russet locks. He pulled just hard enough to add tension, perhaps a tiny sliver of pain, and she gasped, her ruby lips making an "o," her eyes opened wide. Her eyes were glassy, her pupils dilating from the sensations he was eliciting. His blood began to run southward as his mind filled with images. Christ, how did that simple expression have the power to threaten his control?

"I asked you a question," he said.

"I-I'm still with you," she answered somewhat breathlessly.

Part of him longed to tell her to address him properly, but now wasn't the time for that. Plus, he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to control himself if she showed any more signs of submission.

"You wanna tell me what you're doing here?"

"I…" She braced herself on her arms, lifting herself up. She winced as she repositioned herself on the chaise lounge, sitting on the very edge of it to keep the pressure off of her legs. He saw some of that sweetness slip from her expression, and she blinked rapidly, like she was coming out of a haze. "I was… I was looking for you."

He watched her for a long string of seconds, watched how her eyes darted around, how her expression became more calculating, more like the Alexis he was used to seeing. The Alexis who lied to him. His eyes narrowed.

Fenton had a natural respect for the scrappy, scheming, clever side of Alexis. She was stubborn, relentless even, and a fighter. She didn't give up when things got hard; she didn't believe in odds. But Fenton and Kevin both knew that those strengths were also weaknesses. She was gonna get herself seriously injured one day, and Fenton wouldn't always be there to save her. So whatever the hell she was doing, he needed to know the truth. No more games.

He watched her lick her lips as she stared back at him, her eyes still dilated. She wasn't completely immune to their natural dynamic, to how he'd made her feel. That was good. It would make everything else so much easier.

He stroked her face with his thumb, and though she kept her eyes open, kept watching him, undoubtedly waiting for his next move, her head tilted into his palm. His thumb dragged back and forth across her cheekbone, when he saw her eyelids flutter just once, saw her being pulled back under, he let his other hand slide through her hair. Then he wrapped those locks around his fist, yanking her head back just a few inches. His hand slid down her face to cup her chin, and his thumb dragged over her full lips.

He leaned closer, so his face was mere inches away from hers. "You know I don't like it when you lie to me."

"I'm not—" she began, her voice breathless.

"Yes, you are." He tilted his head down, let his breath wash over the shell of her ear. He felt her shiver. "Now let's try this again. What are you doing here?"

"I'm telling the truth."

Before he thought twice about it, his teeth nipped at her earlobe in a reprimand. Alexis' responding gasp turned into a delicate little groan, and Fenton had to stop himself groaning in response. She was too perfect.

"Try again," he growled.

"I can't tell you," she mumbled, her voice sounding wrecked. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't trust you."

Was that a tinge of regret in her words? He pulled back, her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were dilated, and she looked good enough to eat. Still, she watched him warily, perhaps with a bit of sorrow in her eyes.

Fenton cocked his head to the side. There was the honesty he'd been looking for. He'd asked for the truth, and she'd given it to him. He was suddenly struck with the desire to reward her compliance. It had taken some small measure of trust to admit what she had told him. It wasn't nothing. He wondered what her mouth would taste like…

No, that was not an option. He'd already touched her far too much. He'd already broken so many of his own rules. He look her hand from her lap and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "Thank you for your honesty."

Confusion spread across her face. "That's it?"

He sat back and tried to ignore both the disappointment in his chest and the unfulfilled tension below his waistline. "For now. I can respect that I haven't earned your trust yet." He sighed. "Is it fair for me to assume you'll keep coming back here until you do find what you want?"

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded.

"And you're not going to tell me what that is?"

"No."

"Does this still have to do with you finding a dom?"

"Yes."

He watched her expression carefully. There was something going on that he didn't understand just yet. But he would, in time. One way or the other, he'd learn her secrets.

"Well, then I think our best course is to pick up where we left off, don't you think?"

Her eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"I can't tell if you're looking for a dom, or you have a genuine death wish. Either way, if you want to spend any more time in this club, it's gonna be with me and me only. Can you live with that?"

She sighed and nodded. "I can live with that."

He held out his hand. "Promise me you're not going to keep looking for trouble here when my back is turned, and I promise that I'll respect your boundaries, keep you away from the other doms, and help you find what you're looking for. Deal?"

She hesitated for a moment before placing her hand in his. "Deal."

"Glad we have that cleared up." He went to his desk and pulled out a business card, he caught Alexis watching him warily as he rifled through his desk drawer. He crossed the room again and held the card out to her. "Here's my cell. You will call it when you get home tonight. I'll need your number."

She stood and took it from him. "Why?"

"Because if I'm your Dom, I'm going to need to be able to contact you, and you me."

"Okay."

He headed to his office door and she followed, watching as he dug his wallet and keys out of his desk. "I want to see you in two weeks for our first session. Your bruises should be healed by then."

"Is that a question?" she asked, some of her stubbornness coming to the front again.

"Do you want to say no?"

She shook her head, and he smirked, stalking around her. His hands closed around her shoulders, and he leaned in to whisper in her ear. "Smart choice, pretty girl." His hands rubbed down her bare arms, and he felt goosebumps rise under his fingers. "Now that's sorted out, I'm taking you home."

* * *

"Get your head in the game, Castle!"

Alexis blinked and barely missed Javi's punch, deflecting it weakly and stumbling from the force of it. "Sorry!"

She fixed her stance and blocked him the next time, sending a few of her own punches back his way, which he dodged easily. Then her feet were swept out from under her and she hit the floor, landing right on the still-healing bruises on the back of her legs. She yelped at the pain, but didn't hesitate to roll to her feet.

It had only been about ten days, and Alexis thought Fenton must be vastly overestimating her body's healing factors. Of course, it probably didn't help that Javi was still handing her ass to her three mornings a week. And since she'd been spending her nights glued to the recordings inside Fenton's office, sleep was becoming a foreign concept, too.

She assumed her stance again, but Javier was frowning at her, his arms crossed over his chest. "This is a little pathetic."

"Try me again." She squared her shoulders. "I'll be ready this time."

He waved his fingers at her. "Come at me, then."

She rushed forward, engaging him again in a volley of punches, clipping his jaw just in time for him to grab her fist, swing her around, and shove her back the way she came so she stumbled onto her hands and knees on the mat. Unlike most of their sparring sessions, especially the ones when her partner really seemed to be enjoying himself, he didn't pounce on her. Instead, she heard shock in his voice. "What the hell happened to your legs?"

Alexis' head snapped up, and she was glad that her face was turned away from Javier. Her spandex shorts had ridden up in their session, revealing just enough to get her in a load of trouble with her partner. "Oh," she stood slowly, wiping sweat off her forehead with as much nonchalance as she could muster. "Slipped going down the stairs in my building. Really felt those steps." She forced a laugh.

He frowned, and she immediately wished she'd come up with a better lie. Her bruises didn't look anything like a slip and fall, and they both knew it. "You're doing it again, aren't you?" he sighed. "Working off the clock?"

She opened her mouth to speak, and he held a hand up. "Don't lie to me."

"I have everything under control," she said instead.

"I can see that." He shook his head. "I knew you were acting strangely lately."

"Espo, it's just a few bruises. I walk out of here with bruises every week." She shrugged. "Don't make this into something it's not."

"You can't keep focused on enough to block a punch. You show up looking like you've literally had your ass beat. Are you sleeping at all these days?"

"You're not my keeper."

He stepped closer. "I'm your partner, and lately those two things seem to be the same thing. How am I supposed to trust you to watch my back?"

"Of course I'm going to watch your back! This doesn't change anything."

"Keep telling yourself that." He rubbed his face. "I'm not sparring with you while you're black and blue. Let's call it for the day."

"Till when?"

"I don't know, till you're done with whatever put those bruises on you in the first place? Till you're ready to be honest with me?"

"Fine." She reached for her bag. "I'll go."

"Enjoy your day off," he called to her on her way through the door. "Maybe try using it to rest?"

"Not a chance," she muttered.

When she made it back home, showered, and dressed in comfortable clothes that didn't chafe against her bruises, she found herself on her couch in front of her laptop. She'd queued up another several hours of audio recordings from Fenton's office.

When she'd pulled the audio recording from the night she'd been assaulted in his office, fast-forwarding through the assault itself and the time he'd spent taking care of her, she listened to a particularly satisfying encounter that Fenton had with Seth and Dominick. From the sound of it, the encounter had come to blows, and it didn't seem like Fenton believed the men's concerns about her. That was good. And had also been nice to hear the sound of Seth's nose breaking a second time.

Both he and Dominick had skipped right to the top of her suspect list, though Seth took the number one slot. He was aggressive and a man of action—the fact that he'd singled her out twice now to hurt her was telling. She'd have to keep an eye on him. If he had the tattoo she was looking for there would be no more doubt in her mind.

Beyond that interaction, though, Alexis hadn't heard much. At least nothing that would help with her case. She'd heard references to shipments, dealers, product, and the like. Just as she'd suspected. But that wasn't terribly surprising, and as soon as she'd nailed Amelia's murderer, Alexis would be happy to drop off the audio recording in Narcotics. But not till she had the proof she was looking for.

Maybe Fenton would be able to shed some light on the situation at their next session. Her cheeks heated at the thought, and she picked up her cell phone, scrolling through the message thread from the night she'd texted him her number.

 _This is Alexis. Thank you for taking care of me tonight._

 _You're welcome._

He hadn't tried to contact her since that night, and Alexis wasn't sure what to think about the silence. Did he regret playing with her? Was the silence normal? Several times over the last ten days, she'd thought about texting him again, striking up a conversation about anything and everything that she could use to help her case. But each time she'd deleted the message before pressing send. She didn't want to tip him off. He was already suspicious of her motives.

Taking a breath, she typed out another message.

 _Hi. Are we still on for Friday?_

His response didn't take long.

 _Wouldn't miss it, pretty girl._

Heat bloomed in her face again at the pet name, and she set the phone aside. Fenton O'Connell was going to be trouble.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Alexis sipped the wine she had poured for herself, questioning herself. She couldn't deny to even herself that she did get butterflies in her stomach and tingles down her spine when she thought of doing a scene with Fenton. That didn't mean that she wasn't nervous as hell either. When she was alone, she'd often question what she was really doing at the club.

Did she really want to go through with this? Was it worth it? Could she go about it a different way?

She wasn't sure if she could. Being in the club, seeing people, talking to them and being able to sneak around and plant bugs around was a lot more helpful than just going in as a detective and asking questions. She wouldn't get a word in before all the doms started making up lies in their heads.

This was the only way, even if it wasn't the safest. It was her job and she was planning on seeing it through until the end.

Fenton O'Connell was a suspect for sure, but nothing came from her planting a bug in his office. She only heard things that she had already knew or had suspected, but nothing that involved the case. He was either innocent, or was playing it close to the chest. He hadn't said anything about the vic to anyone, not Seth or Dominick, or even to himself. Sure Fenton talked to himself, but very little was revealed.

It was more like a one sided conversation with himself. It made no sense, but being a dom and taking it as serious as Fenton did, meant that he was probably having a hard time and needed his own time to vent.

Alexis just hoped that part of that venting would come in the form of him revealing details of the murder out of guilt or ratting someone else out, but sadly, that wasn't the case.

She wasn't giving up though.

Her phone buzzed on the coffee table. She put down her wine glass and felt her stomach churn when she saw Fenton's name across the screen.

 _Hey Red, having a nice night?_ The text read. Alexis leaned back on the couch and sighed.

Would she ever get used to it? Used to having a dom, even if it was all for show? She doubted it.

 _I'm doing fine and you?_ She replied, picking up her wine glass again and downing the liquid, in the hope that it would help make everything a little easier.

 _Thinking about our upcoming session._

Was he trying to turn her on or was he just being honest about it? She didn't know what to expect from Fenton, which unnerved her, but she also found it appealing a weird way. She liked being surprised. She just hoped that he wouldn't turn out to be full of shit and try to make her his next victim.

 _What about it?_

 _No spoilers. Though, I do think it would help if you were to send me a picture._

 _Of myself?_

 _Maybe, if you'd like. I was thinking that it would help my imagination if I knew what you'd be wearing. Bet, I could get real creative._

What was he doing to her?

Maybe it was the wine, but she was actually considering it. She was thinking about going into her bedroom, putting on the sexiest thing she owned and trying it on for him and taking a picture for him. How could he do that with just one text?

Three minutes later she was in her room, digging through clothes, trying to find something just right for the occasion, which wasn't easy. It wasn't like she bought sexy lingerie to wear just for herself. Maybe she'd have to go shopping in the future for her visits to the club. She knew that it would pay off in the end.

In the back of her closet sat a bright pink box and immediately her face started burning. She knew what was in the box and she knew for a fact that Fenton would definitely appreciate seeing her in it.

Kevin had liked seeing her in it and he made that more than clear when he first laid his eyes on her. Alexis bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes and remembering that night. She could almost imagine what it felt like when he ran his hand over the material, the way his eyes clouded with lust as he appraised every inch of her body. Remembering it almost made her all the more happy to put it on again.

She ran her fingers over the material and bit her lip, thinking hard about what she wanted to do. She didn't think about it for a long time, because she was almost certain that she would talk her way out of it and that was the last thing she wanted in that moment.

The rush she might get from sending Fenton such a picture was worth it and she knew it. She quickly tugged down her shorts and pulled off her shirt, making herself free of all clothing. Fenton was going to get exactly what he wanted. If he wanted to get ideas just from a picture, she'd give him something worthy.

The lingerie still fit as it once did. The material was soft and fit her like a second skin. She ran her fingers over it and smiled to herself. Memories of her time with Kevin were playing through her head, but that wasn't going to stop her from making some new ones.

Kevin was the past. She needed to move on and she felt almost bad to think it, but she also wanted to move on, even if it was with someone she didn't know. If that made her a bad person or not, she didn't know, but she was tired of feeling the same way all the time. This was a game changer and she was ready for it.

The lingerie was a deep purple color, a color that at the time was something new for her to wear. Kevin loved the way that it looked with her pastel skin. Looking at herself, she couldn't help, but to think that she looked as sexy as she ever had in a long time.

Or maybe that was just the wine getting to her.

With adrenaline coursing through her body, she laid down on her bed, flat on her back and grabbed her phone. She couldn't chicken out. It was just a picture and she knew that during the scene Fenton was going to be asking her to do more than just take a picture.

She opened up the camera and held the phone above her and took a few pictures. They didn't look horrible, but the lighting wasn't the best, so she readjusted some things. She tried to think of a sexy pose. Would it be dumb for her to smile? Would be better to make a sultry look? How would she do that?

Deciding that she was wasting too much time on such a trivial thing, she decided to do the one thing that she knew always grabbed Kevin's attention. She figured that if it worked on him, why would Fenton protest?

She gripped the phone securely, making sure not to let it fall and land on her face. She stared into the lens and pretended that she was looking directly at Fenton. She lightly bit her bottom lip and took the picture.

She looked like herself, but different at the same time. The picture showed most of what she was wearing and she saw Fenton liking what he saw as she observed the photo. In fear of chickening out, she quickly sent the picture to Fenton. The caption read "Like what you see?"

The next couple of minutes felt like decades to Alexis. She was sitting on her bed, the phone in front of her. She stared at it, almost like she was willing Fenton to respond faster. Had he seen it yet? Had she taken too long and he lost interest? Did not like it?

She was taking deeps breaths and thinking about getting more wine, when her phone buzzed she nearly fell off the bed reaching for it. Her hands were shaking so much that she didn't know how she kept ahold of it.

 _What's not to like, Red? Can't wait to see it in person._

Alexis smiled to herself. Fenton didn't know, but this was a big step for her. She just hoped that she could keep pushing herself. Not just for her own selfish urges, but for the victim as well. That was the only thing that mattered.

* * *

Fenton met her outside the club. She kind of hated how perfect he looked in his three-piece suit, casually leaning against the brick outside the entrance.

"Hey, pretty girl." He grinned when he saw her approach.

"Hey."

"You ready?"

She nodded, suddenly feeling nervous.

He smirked, then leaned close, reaching out to brush her hair off her shoulder. "Let's have some fun."

He led her inside the club, his hand a barely-there pressure on the small of her back. Alexis expected him to lead her back to his office, but instead he took them down the hallway from the office, stopping in front of the last door on the right.

"What's this?" she asked.

He pulled a key from his pocket and unlocked the door. "The executive perks." He pushed the door open, revealing an opulent-looking bedroom. A huge four-poster bed took up most of the space in the room, though there was nothing but ivory-colored sheets on the mattress.

Her gaze danced around the warmly lit room to a spanking bench with shiny black leather, and she could see several points on the ceiling where restraints could be hooked in. The floor was a burnished golden-brown hardwood, and thick area rugs were strategically placed around the room.

"It's a bit nicer than the playrooms downstairs, isn't it?" Fenton grinned.

"I'll say," she said, stepping further into the room. An aromatherapy infuser in the corner was piping a subtle, soothing fragrance into the air. Vanilla, perhaps?

She saw an assortment of items spread over the bedside table. "What's all that?"

His hands rested on her shoulders. "Just a few things for our session. You'll like them."

"Will I?" She hoped her voice didn't sound as nervous as she felt.

"You have your safeword," he reminded her. "What is it?"

"Red."

"That's right." He tugged on one of her curls and turned her to face him. "Are you ready to begin?"

With a deep breath to steady herself, she nodded.

"I'm gonna need a verbal response, gorgeous."

"Yes."

"Lesson One: During our scenes, the proper way to address me is 'Yes, Sir,' or 'Yes, Mr. O'Connell.' Okay?"

She nodded, then caught herself. Heat colored her cheeks, and he smirked at her. "Yes, Sir," she said softly, not sure if she liked the weight of it on her tongue.

"Good girl."

Alexis began unbuttoning her coat, feeling oddly like she was conducting some sort of business. She supposed she was, in a way. "So, where do you want me?"

He caught her hands gently, though she'd already finished with the buttons and her coat now hung open a few inches, offering a peek at what she was wearing. "Lesson Two: You wait to move until I tell you otherwise. Got it?"

Alexis' head cocked to the side. "So you just boss me around the whole time?"

He shook his head. "It's a power exchange. Surely you know that by now."

She shrugged. "I never got this far. You know that."

"I never got this far, _Sir_ ," he corrected her.

She bit her lip, then let her hands rest by her sides. Fenton smiled at her compliance and slid the coat down her arms. He whistled low at tight-fitting dress hidden beneath the coat. "You're gorgeous, you know that?"

"Thank you, Sir," she tried. This seemed like an awful lot of work to remember all of Fenton's rules.

He hung her coat on a hook near the door, then turned back to her, looking every bit like a predator stalking its prey. "That dress is fantastic, but I think it needs to go."

Shock unfurled down her spine. "What?"

"I need you exposed for what I have planned."

She shook her head. "Absolutely not."

"Just the dress and your shoes," he explained. "Keep everything else on."

All that left her was her simple dark blue bra and matching underwear. Nowhere near enough coverage. And not even sexy lingerie, for that matter. "Fenton, I didn't sign up—"

"If you wanna dip your toes in the subby pool, then this is how you do it." He reached out and touched her cheek. "I'm not going to touch you anywhere you don't want me to, Alexis. I promise."

"But—"

He pulled her face back to meet his eyes. "Do you trust me to keep that promise? Yes or no?"

She bit her lip. Her shoulders slumped a bit and she nodded.

"Say it, pretty girl."

"Yes, sir. I trust you to keep your promise."

"Good girl," he praised. "Now turn around."

Hairs rose on the back of her neck as he pushed her hair out of the way and slowly unzipped the skintight dress, like he was unwrapping a present. The dress hit the floor around her ankles, and she gasped when she felt his warm lips against the nape of her neck. Despite the strangeness of every new thing Fenton was springing on her, warmth began to pool low in her belly.

"These should have been healed by now," he said softly, letting his fingertips trace over the back of her thighs. While most of the welts had faded to a sickly yellow-green color, a few spots were still a fresh dark blue.

"I, um…" she swallowed, distracted by him touching her bare legs, touching all those patches that crossed pleasure and pain into sharp sensation. She thought of the way Javi had handed her ass to her on the sparring mats three times that week. "I take self defense," she lied.

He paused at that, looking at her with an expression she couldn't identify. Did he know she was lying? He always seemed to.

But Fenton let the lie stand. "Keep practicing."

He helped her step out of her heels, then turned her to face him. Alexis fought the urge to cover herself. Her hands twitched with a need to cover her breasts, her stomach, every patch of skin that she usually reserved for her eyes only.

His eyes trailed over her frame for a moment before snapping back up to meet her gaze. Heat colored his cheeks, too. What did this man have to blush about? "You're beautiful," he said simply.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Not a very fast learner, are you?

It was her turn to blush. She was sure she looked like a tomato. "Thank you, sir."

"Good girl. Now, I'm not going to touch you anywhere that you're wearing clothes. Everywhere else is fair game. Are you comfortable with that?"

Relief almost swept her off her feet. Her legs, her arms, her stomach and back. Javi probably got more than that, accidentally, of course, during their sparring sessions.

"Yes, sir."

"Good," he smiled and took her hand, leading her to the massive bed. The cool air wrapped around her skin, and she was suddenly aware of how free she felt. Exposed, but free.

"We just have a couple more things to talk about," he said. "I'd like you to lie down on the bed, and while you're there, I'd like to use restraints and a blindfold."

Alexis stopped. He was asking her to give up her sight and her mobility. Be completely helpless. Totally vulnerable to whatever he wanted to do to her.

"The restraints are for your safety. I don't want to accidentally touch you inappropriately or hurt you because you're moving."

It was a logical enough reason. "And the blindfold?"

He gave her a small, rueful smile. "That's to enhance the sensations. And to force you to give up control. I won't touch you anywhere we haven't negotiated, and I'm not using impact play in this session. I'm not using this to take advantage of you. I want you to have a satisfying, safe time with me. Can you trust that I mean that?"

Alexis took a deep breath to steady herself. God, what had she gotten herself into? "Yes, sir. I trust you mean it."

His fingers combed through her hair in one sweet stroke. "Good girl. Thank you for your trust. Go lay down in the middle of the bed. I want you on your back."

She followed his command, nerves churning in her stomach. Fenton made quick work of the restraints under the mattress, securing them tightly enough that she was spread-eagle, but made sure to check and double-check that she was comfortable. He stroked his hand up and down her calf after he secured the last restraint. "You still with me?"

"Yes, sir," she breathed.

Next came the blindfold, and Fenton was very careful to not get her hair caught in it. His thumbs caressed her cheekbones after he took away her vision. "Good girl. You're doing so well."

His praise calmed her nerves somewhat.

"I'm going to touch you now, pretty girl," he said quietly. "All you have to do is let yourself feel it."

Not for the first time, Fenton wondered how Kevin could have ever been stupid enough to let Alexis go.

The detective on his shoulder glowered at that thought, but Fenton didn't take it back. His eyes slid over the redhead stretched out on the mattress. All smooth, creamy skin, and lean, toned muscles. He was particularly interested in a cluster of freckles just about her right hip. He wondered what they'd taste like.

He'd find out. Later. First he had to get Alexis sweet and soft and pliant, just how he liked her. He slid his arms out of his jacket, hanging it next to Alexis' coat. Then he rolled up his sleeves and picked up the bottle of massage oil from off the end table and took a seat at the end of the mattress.

Alexis was breathing shallowly from her place on the mattress. She jumped a little when his oil-slicked hands made contact with her foot.

"Easy," he soothed. His hands moved efficiently over her feet, kneading into her arch in a way that made her gasp and melt into the mattress. Then his fingers found her big toe, kneading into that pressure point with unapologetic firmness.

He was rewarded with her gasp and the way her hips lifted off the bed just an inch or so.

"You like that, pretty girl?" he asked, repeating the motion on her other foot.

"Y-yes," she panted.

Fresh color was seeping into her cheeks, and Fenton smirked. His thumb drew circles into the sole of her foot. "Yes, who?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good girl."

He moved up her legs, occasionally applying more oil. His fingertips teased over her bruises as he lifted her thighs off the mattress, one then the other, planting her feet on the mattress so her legs were slightly bent. He hadn't given her too much slack on the restraints, but he intended to use the mobility she did have.

His hands kneaded their way up her thighs and inward to the crease of her legs. He noticed her breath shorten and her body stiffen as his fingertips traced the crease of her thighs, right next to the line of her underwear. He let his fingertips knead just a little harder in that junction, and she panted and squirmed beneath his touch.

And then he moved upward, his hands spreading oil over her abdomen, her chest, the parts that her bra didn't cover, at least, and her shoulders.

He massaged up and down her arms, taking the time to lavish attention on each individual finger. He didn't take too much time to dwell on the rightness of her slightly smaller hands in his own. That was a thought for another time, or better yet, he could ignore it altogether.

"How are you doing?" he asked conversationally as his hands massaged their way up her neck and into her hair.

"Mmm," she hummed. Then, quickly realizing she hadn't answered him correctly, she added. "Good, sir."

He grinned. "Tell me more. How do you feel right now?" He suspected she wasn't much for dirty talk. He intended to change that. His fingers wrapped around strands of her hair and pulled lightly. He watched goosebumps rise on her skin.

"R-relaxed," she moaned, not sounding relaxed at all.

"Is that all?" he asked, continuing the teasing torture until she began to visibly squirm.

"Feels good," she added, her voice breathy.

"Mm," he agreed. He freed him fingers from her hair, letting the pads of his fingers slip down her pale throat. He ignore the urge to wrap his fingers around her neck and give it a gentle squeeze. She wasn't ready for breath play. It wasn't the kind of thing you did during your first session, and he was determined to make this first session both memorable and positive for her.

He reached for his next sensation tool. "You ready for more, pretty girl?"

"Yes, sir."

God, that response was enough to send all the blood in his body straight to his cock. He gently placed the slippery ice cube in the valley between her breasts, and she squeaked, her body jerking against the restraints.

"Easy," he soothed. "Let yourself feel it." He drew the ice cube in an arc up her chest, skirting the edges of the cups of her bra, almost growling in satisfaction as her nipples puckered against the thin material. She gasped at the sensation, and he dragged the rapidly melting cube up the column her throat and back down.

The remainder of the ice cube following a matching path over her breasts, and he let it slide between them, down to her stomach. He lazily guided the cube down her stomach, dipping for just a moment into her navel. Alexis gasped, tossing her head from one side to the other. Her cheeks were a delicious shade of pink, and Fenton bit his lip, enjoying the mental imagery of all the other ways he could pinken her face as the ice cube traveled down to her hips and over that patch of freckles.

There was little more than an ice chip left by that point; her body heat had done a thorough job of melting the cube down as it teased her sensitive skin. The tiny piece of ice settled against the waistband of her panties, and, with his hands braced on her hips, Fenton lapped the shard up with his tongue, all too aware of the subtle scent of desire emanating from her core. His darling girl was clearly affected by what he was doing to her.

Alexis shuddered as his tongue dragged over her skin, and Fenton wondered how long it had been since she'd been touched in any sort of intimate way.

"You like that, pretty girl?"

"Um.." She seemed to struggle with the question.

He lifted his head from her body. "Yes or no. You have to talk to me."

"Y-yes."

"Hmm." His thumbs pressed into her hips, startling her with the intensity of the sensation. He held tight as her hips jerked in his grip, then eased the pressure, drawing gentle circles over the ridge of bone on either side. "You gotta do better than that, sweetheart. I wonder how we can get this lesson to stick."

His mind provided a solution, and Fenton bit back a groan at the image of the redhead facedown on the mattress, tugging at her restraints, gasping and moaning as he spanked her until her ass was bright red and her pussy was soaked. "I'm being very patient, pretty girl. You know what I normally do to a disobedient sub?"

She shook her head, biting her lip to stifle a sigh as his fingers stroked up and down her sides.

Fenton leaned in so her body was prone and vulnerable underneath him. "I spank them. Would you like that, pretty girl?"

She paused for a moment, holding completely still. God, he wished he could see her eyes. Wished he could tell whether they were dilating in desire.

"I…" Her tongue peeked out to wet her lips. "I don't know."

He was tempted to slip his hand beneath her ass and give it a firm squeeze, to brace his thigh between her legs and let her rub off some of the tension that was pooling inside her, to rut against her and find some kind of relief for the hard-on he'd been sporting since she'd walked into the room.

Christ. He was playing with fire, and they were both going to end up burned. Fenton backed off of her, reaching for the low-heat taper candle sitting on the side table. He lit the candle and watched as the wax began to soften.

"Tell me how you like this," he said softly, tipping the candle down so that bright red wax splattered onto her chest.

Alexis gasped, jolting upright as much as she could. Fenton laughed. The wax wouldn't burn her skin, but it would feel very hot, especially in all those places the ice cube had cooled.

He poured a little more onto her body, creating a trail between her breasts. "Fenton," she cried. Her fingers clenched and unclenched into a fist. He probably should have reprimanded her for not addressing him properly, but he loved the way his name sounded on her lips.

He coated her chest in lines of wax, moving down to her stomach, hips, and thighs. Alexis rewarded him with more of those gorgeous noises, the way she turned his name into a plea. And if he "accidentally" let some of the wax drip onto her underwear and the peaked nipples showing through her bra, then that was all the better. Alexis had bucked her hips, gyrating against nothing, and Fenton was sorely tempted to flatten his tongue against the dampness of her panties and let her rut against him until she'd had her fill.

Instead, he let his lips find that cluster of freckles above her hip and his tongue explored that particular patch of skin. "Fenton," she gasped, tossing her head back and forth.

He nipped her hipbone in response, and her cry turned moan had his cock threatening to break the zipper on his slacks.

His mouth trailed lower, stopping at the boundary of her panties. She squirmed beneath him, pulling at the restraints on her wrists and ankles.

Fenton held her shaking thighs open and blew cold air onto her cloth-covered sex. Her hips rose off the mattress with a whine.

Christ, he wanted nothing more than to bury his head between those gorgeous legs. He palmed his cock, doing whatever he could to maintain his level of control.

"Please," she whined. "Please, Mr. Connell."

His surname on her needy lips sent his head spinning and he became acutely aware of the rapid rise and fall of her chest, the color in her cheeks, the wax that had cooled and hardened against her skin, the way her stiff nipples strained against the thin material of her bra like an invitation, the subtle scent of her desire wafting up from between her legs. A fresh wave of possibilities washed over him: wrapping his lips around those hard nipples, slipping a single finger beneath those panties and feeling her soft, wet flesh, taking his needy cock out of his slacks and painting her skin with something other than wax.

"Please!" She groaned, straining against the restraints, tossing her head back and forth. Did she have any idea how phenomenal she looked? Did she even know what she was asking for?

Using willpower he didn't know he had, Fenton stepped back, taking several long, deep breaths as Alexis writhed on the bed. He rubbed his face, looking for some kind of center. Some reason to not push things further. Christ, if he'd known she'd be this responsive…

"Please, Mr. O'Connell," she begged. "Please, please, please."

He stepped up near her head, and smoothed her hair away from her face.. "What do you want, pretty girl?"

"Please," she breathed. "Please, I need…"

"What do you need?"

"Touch me," she whined. "I… please… just… touch me." She gasped like she'd been running a marathon. "Please Fenton."

Something sinful turned over low in his belly, and he cupped her chin roughly. "Oh pretty girl, when are you going to learn?"

In record time, he unsnapped her restraints and flipped her onto her stomach. He yanked her body to the edge of the mattress so that she was bent in half, ass in the air, bare feet on the floor. One hand held her wrists behind her back, and the other held her by the nape of her neck. Rather than become startled, Alexis seemed even more turned on by his possessive act. Her hips ground against the mattress, seeking stimulation. It belatedly occurred to Fenton that maybe she wanted him to punish her, and he grinned at the prospect.

He leaned over her body, taking the opportunity to grind his almost painful erection against her ass. "You wanna try again, gorgeous? Show me the proper respect?"

"Please, Fenton." Her ass rotated against his erection, and for a moment he saw stars.

He gritted his teeth. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

He removed his hand from the back of her neck and cupped one soft, panty covered cheek. His fingers brushed over her skin and he gripped that handful of flesh hard, a warning of what was to come.

Her head lifted off the mattress with a tiny yelp of pain, real pain, and he felt her body stiffen beneath him. His eyes skittered down to the purple and blue flesh his fingers were digging into.

Fuck. The dark colors were like a bucket of cold water on his lust. He let go of both her ass and her wrists, immediately stroking her back, smoothing the hair out of her face. "Are you alright?" he asked.

She nodded, still pressed against the mattress. Fenton sighed in relief. Shame curling around the edges of his psyche for allowing himself to fall into that primal headspace.

She continued to squirm beneath him, still needy, clearly not hindered by his screwup. "Please," she begged."

Aftercare. He'd been the one to wind her up, and he needed to be the one to ease her back down. His hands closed around her shoulders, lifting her upright. "Stand up," he said quietly.

He led her over to an armchair in the corner, and pulled her into his lap. This was better. He'd be less tempted to throw out the rulebook.

"Just breathe," he said. He guided her to rest her head in the crook of his neck, and helped her curl into a comfortable position in his arms.

"Please," she repeated, still lost in that headspace of desire and submission. Her fingertips found his jaw, touching his face, his chest, anything to sate her need for contact. Christ, she was one of the most beautiful subs he'd ever seen.

"Just relax, pretty girl." He stroked her hair, taking deep, measured breaths himself. He needed to calm down, too. He'd never lost control in a scene like that before. He'd never been so close to breaking his own rules, breaking the promises he'd made to his scene partner. When he'd asked for her trust, he hadn't realized how tempting the redhead would be, how heavy the responsibility would be to stay within those negotiated terms while she was so lost in sensation.

After what seemed like an eternity, Alexis softened, melted into his embrace. He felt the tension and need slip out of her frame, and she curled closer to him. He rested his head against hers, and he heard her sigh. That made him happier than it should, and he chose to shove it to the back of his mind, right next to the detective inside his head who was likely having a heart attack.

How long had it been for her? How long had it been since she'd been touched? How long since she'd been fucked? Despite her misgivings, once they'd gotten going, she'd seemed to soak up the attention. Hell, she'd loved it.

Kevin's memories told her that it had been over a year since the last time he'd heard about her being intimate with someone. Surely that wouldn't have been the last time though.

Alexis lifted her head, causing Fenton to do the same. She pulled the blindfold off, and her large blue eyes were so glassy and sweet that he forgot to reprimand her for not asking permission to remove the blindfold.

"Hey, pretty girl." He smirked at the blissful expression on her face.

"Hey." Her voice was a little rough, likely from the vocal workout he'd given her during their session

"You want some water?" he asked.

She cleared her throat. "Yes, please."

"Coming right up." He helped her off his lap and crossed the room to the supplies he'd laid out for their session. When he turned back with the water bottle in hand, she was picking her dress up off the floor and slipping the straps over her shoulders.

"Here." He handed her the bottle to hold and carefully zipped the dress back up. Though it didn't cover much, he supposed it was better than being undressed. Still, he was a bit disappointed to see those layers and walls going back up and their scene ending.

"Thanks," she said, taking a sip.

"Do you want to sit down?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Not here."

Confusion spread through him. "Um, my office then?"

She nodded, not quite meeting his eyes, and he led her out of the playroom and back to the office.

* * *

Once again, Alexis found herself perched on the edge of the chaise, the half-empty bottle of water still held in her hands. He draped a soft blanket over her shoulders and took a seat across from her on the ottoman. His eyes searched over her like he was figuring out a puzzle.

"We should probably talk about that scene," he said.

Alexis suppressed the urge to sigh. She didn't know what to make of all the things that had happened in the playroom, but she didn't love the idea of talking through them with Fenton, the assumed criminal she was supposed to be using for information on her case.

Looking back at everything, Alexis couldn't believe she'd reacted that way. She'd fully intended to fake her way through the scene, giving Fenton a good enough response to convince him that she actually was a sub looking for a fix. And then, after playing her role, she'd ask him more about his organization. About the people at the club. About the drugs she was certain he distributed. It would have been seamless.

Instead, she'd completely lost herself.

She'd stopped thinking about her job, her mission, her purpose at the club, hell, she'd even forgotten her own sense of basic decency. All at the hands of Fenton O'Connell. It was like he knew exactly what would feel best to her, he knew how to make her fall to pieces and get lost in everything but his touch. It was stronger than any drug. Alexis was certain that by the end, by the time she'd started pleading, she could have come from just a single pass over her clit.

This was what she got for letting him touch her. This was why she didn't, couldn't, let anyone touch her. The second she did, she lost all sense of herself. It was like when she'd betrayed Kevin all over again. Only this time, she'd betrayed herself.

"Hey." Warm, gentle fingers slid under her chin, tilting her head up to look him in the eye. "Whatever you're thinking right now, stop it."

"I… what?"

"Enough." He gently tapped on her forehead. "I can see you dropping."

"I'm fine. I'm not dizzy or anything—"

"That's not what I mean. You just experience something very… intense. Something probably very new to you. And maybe you reacted in a way that you didn't expect. I think we should talk about it. It might help."

"It was new to me," she agreed. "I'm not the type to mess around with men I don't know." She looked up at him, fearing the judgment she knew she'd see on his face. "It must not seem that way to you, but it's the truth."

"You don't need to be embarrassed," he said softly.

She covered her face. "I'm mortified."

She could hear the frown in his voice. "Why? Didn't you like it?"

Slowly, she nodded. She'd loved it. She hadn't felt so desired and cared for since she'd been with Kevin.

"Say it, pretty girl." Fenton found it all to easy to slip into that dark, sensual persona, or maybe that was just who he was. Either way, Alexis found it all too easy to respond to him.

"I liked it."

"What did you like about it?"

"It felt good. Really good."

"Even the ice?" He adjusted the blanket that had begun to slip off of one shoulder. "And the wax?"

Reluctantly, she nodded. "It erased everything but what I was feeling. I couldn't think. I couldn't worry. It just… made me feel free." She dared to glance up at the expression on his face, and her stomach dropped. He stared at her intently, again like a puzzle. Like what she was telling him didn't make sense.

"It's been a long time since anybody's umm… well, anything," she blurted out. "I'm sorry if I was… I'll do better next time." She looked back down at her lap, that mortification returning in full force.

Instantly, Fenton tilted her head back up, leaning into her slightly. "How long?" he asked, sounding almost angry.

"A year."

She saw surprise flash through those honey-brown eyes. "It's been a year since you've slept with someone?"

She shook her head. "No, it's been a year since I've let anyone touch me like you did."

"In a power dynamic? Like, the restraints and all that?"

"Um." Now she felt nervous. "No, I mean, the way you had your hands and—and your mouth on me. It's been about a year since anyone's…" she trailed off at the expression on his face.

God, she regretted telling him that. He was looking at her like she was some kind of freak.

He sat back and ran a hand through his hair. "Um… that's…"

She waited for what seemed like eternity for him to come to some sort of conclusion about just what "that" was. He didn't seem to know how to respond. Maybe he thought she really was a freak. She was an idiot for trusting him to understand her.

She took a final sip from the water bottle. "Anyway, its all new. So thanks for taking good care of me." She stood up, letting the blanket fall back onto the chaise lounge behind her. "I should probably get going."

He reached out and caught her wrist. "Do you want to do this again?" he asked. There was still an air of uncertainty around him. He still didn't know what to make of her little revelation.

"Do you?" she asked, hating how insecure she was feeling.

"Yes," he said without hesitation. "But that's not what I asked."

She bit her lip, then nodded. "I want to do this again. Um, same time Friday?"

A grin pulled at the corner of his mouth, almost looking like the Fenton she'd come to know. "It's a date."


	15. Chapter 15

****Chapter Fifteen****

Fenton was sitting at his desk, watching the second hand on the clock tick, each tick getting him even more excited about what was to come. He'd been watching the clock so intently, that he wasn't sure when he had last blinked.

He tried to calm himself, to maintain the demeanor that he was all too good at demonstrating when the circumstances called for it, but this time it was different. He wasn't having any luck.

Alexis had actually called him. She sounded so serious over the phone, demanding that she needed to see him immediately. He almost told her no, just because of her demanding tone, but underneath her harsh words, he could sense something else.

Desperation.

What could have made her feel that way? Did something happen during their last scene or did it have more to do with her personal life?

He wasn't sure and he wasn't too focused on it. He more focused on staring at the clock or at his door. He tapped his fingers loudly against the wood, trying to get rid of the odd energy running through him.

His brain, or rather the voice in his head had supplied him with a word for what he was feeling, but he wasn't ready to accept that. Luckily he didn't have to, because just then two knocks rang throughout his small and quiet office.

He stared at the door for a few moment, partly to make her wait, to prove to himself that he was in control of himself, nobody else. The other reason was because he was trying to imagine what she looked like on the other side of the door. He wondered about how she was dressed, did she dress up for him? He wondered if her hair was down and flowing over shoulders, like a waterfall of waves, or maybe she worse it up, so that it wouldn't get in the way for whatever she had planned. He also took a second to picture the look that might be in her eyes. Did it match with the voice he had heard her using?

After taking a deep breath, he straightened in his seat, putting on a face that showed that he was all business. Too bad that didn't translate to what he was feeling on the inside.

"Come in," he called out and then waited as the door quietly opened. Alexis quickly entered and then closed the door behind her. She closed it so that she was facing him. He took her in as she stood across the room, apparently doing the same thing to him.

The first thing that caught his eye was the bright red heels that she was wearing. God, how she loved her in heels. Her legs were just one of her best assets. He couldn't see much of them though. She was wearing a black coat that covered her everything down to her knees. It was buttoned up, leaving almost everything to his imagination.

Her hair was down and in thick, but loose curls. He imagined himself getting a handful of those locks later. Her makeup was light, except for the bright red lipstick that drove his mind crazy. Her lips looked as if they were just begging to be wrapped around his cock.

He shook his head, when his eyes met hers. They were so wide, so blue and they were piercing through him. He licked his lips and then noticed her do the same. He closed his eyes momentarily, gathering himself.

"I wasn't expecting you to reach out to me so soon," he said, hoping his voice didn't seem breathy as he thought it did.

"I needed to see you." She walked forward, her hands touching the back of the chair in front of her. "I was thinking about everything, how things went when we last saw each other, and I couldn't get it out of my head, no matter what I did."

"What couldn't you get out of your head?" he asked, wanting, but mostly needing to know.

"Our last scene." Her eyes met his and he scolded himself for allowing them to affect him so much.

"I meant, what specifically were you thinking about?"

"About how good and strange it felt when I relinquished my control. I didn't know it would feel so good, that it could feel so good, but it did and I want more of that."

Fenton was a bit taken aback at Alexis' boldness. He was glad that he was able to make her feel that way. Watching her underneath him, hearing her moans and cries were one thing, but actually hearing her admit how good it felt, that was something else completely.

She almost immediately became sexier than ever and that was with her standing there with most of her skin covered.

"When you say more, what do you mean? More of what we have already done or more, as in trying stuff that we haven't done?"

"I want everything."

Fenton blinked unsure of if heard her right. "Everything?"

"Yes. I get so stressed and weighed down with making decisions day in and day out. I need a break from that. I want to be able to feel pleasure without being the one in control over it."

"Alexis—"

"I want you to do whatever you want to me. No questions asked."

"I can't." That wasn't how he got off. He needed more direction than that.

"Yes, you can," she told him, her voice much more desperate and breathy than before. She walked away from the chair and rushed over to Fenton. Her hands were on his desk as she leaned over. "I'm giving you permission to do whatever your craziest fantasy is. I want it, Fenton. I'm not experienced, not like you or any of the other women that you have been with. I don't know what I need, not exactly, but I trust you to give it to me."

He watched her carefully and he knew without a doubt that she wasn't lying to him. She needed him. She needed him to own her. He tried to clear his head, tried to stop himself from getting hard, just from the pure thought of what he could do to her, but it didn't work.

She was begging him, actually begging and it was perfect. He was completely hard. He adjusted himself as he shifted in his seat.

"I'll do it, but only on one condition—"

"The moment it gets to be too much, I'll tell you to stop, I swear."

Fenton nodded, a little proud that she knew exactly what he was thinking.

"When do we start? What do you want me to do?"

He faltered for a moment, but not very long. He quickly pushed himself back from his desk, and gestured to it. "Hop on."

She did as asked and Fenton reached for her coat, trying with all his might not to break the buttons off. He calmly and carefully unbuttoned the coat before he ran his hands up her arms and to her shoulders. He looked at her momentarily, checking to see how she was doing. Her eyes were on him, as if she were studying him. He sent her a wink before pushing the fabric from her shoulders and letting it fall from frame.

He wasn't sure what to look at first, the swell of her breasts or her perfect legs, so he opted for her outfit instead. And boy did he get an eyeful. He greedily let his eyes glide over her body. She was already killing him with the red lipstick, so why wouldn't she kill him with red lingerie? She wore a red corset layered with black lace. The corset doing amazing things for her breasts. Red lace panties caught his attention next and then he noticed the red garter belt attached to black stockings. Fuck. She definitely wasn't going to make it easy for him and he didn't care.

Alexis was already looking at him when his eyes found hers. She looked a bit nervous, but he wasn't sure if that was because of the power she was giving him, or at the look he must have been giving her. She sat perfectly still and didn't say a word. She was waiting, waiting for him to make his move or give her a command.

He knew how submissive she wasn't, so he was so proud of her. She was stepping up her game.

"Is this something new?" he asked, gesturing to her outfit, touching the lace that covered her stomach with his fingers.

"Yes.

"Did you get it just for this? For me?" he asked, knowing the answer, but wanting hear her say it anyway.

"Yes, Mr. O'Connell," she replied. God, he loved when she called him that.

He stared her perfect ruby lips before he grabbed her hips and pulled her forward, so that she was sitting on the very edge of his desk. She didn't squeal or squirm at his touch, like she had on previous accounts. She seemed to relax and melt against his touch. "What do you want me to do to you?"

"Whatever you—"

"I know and I will, but first I want to know what you want. I want to know what you think will get you off fastest."

She quirked an eyebrow.

"I want to get you off right now, so that I have plenty of time to get you hot and ready for me all over again. So, what will get you off the fastest?"

It was a test for her. Alexis wasn't very verbal about what she wanted.

He was thrown off a little when she leaned forward, her face so close to his that he was half tempted to stop her from talking and just kiss her instead,l. He just stared intently. And as enchanting as her lips were, Fenton's eyes were focused solely on hers. They were beautiful and shimmering. Her voice was soft, but when she spoke, her words were certain and strong.

"Fuck me," she breathed. "Fuck me with your tongue."

Fenton swallowed as he lowered his eyes. He couldn't. He couldn't let her gain any control. That wasn't what he wanted and it wasn't what she wanted either. He took a quiet breath before he looked back up at her.

"Fuck me with your tongue, who?"

Alexis blinked and then her lips pulled into a smirk. "Fuck me with your tongue, Mr. O'Connell."

Fenton felt relief flow through him. He wasn't sure how long he'd be able to keep his cool if he had to listen to her talk much longer, especially if she was going to talk like that, like she no longer had a filter. His only job now was giving her pleasure and he knew without a doubt that he could do that without a problem.

He slowly grabbed for the elastic and tugged at her panties. Alexis helped, using her arms to push herself up and off the desk. He pulled past her knees and watched them fall to her ankles.

"Ready for me, gorgeous?"

Alexis leaned back, bending her knees, giving Fenton a clear view of just how ready she was for him. She was nearly dripping for him. He licked his lips before he looked up into her eyes.

"Yes, Mr. O'Con—" The rest of his name came out as a moan, because Fenton couldn't wait to get his lips on her. He'd tasted a lot of women so had Kevin, but they agreed that Alexis was their favorite taste.

It wasn't just the taste. It was the scent of her as well. She smelled like flowers and tasted like honey and caramel. He held back her soaked folds and pressed his tongue deep inside of her, knowing that she was close to coming. He sucked her juices into his mouth, before moving to her clit, flicking it with his tongue.

Boldly, Alexis grabbed the back of his head and tugged on the hair at the base of his scalp. It sent a satisfying shock through his body, making her groan with her clit in his mouth. She screamed, but it was a broken scream as he felt her juices run down his chin.

Normally Fenton would discipline her for grabbing him without his permission, but he couldn't be bothered as Alexis rocked her hips, grinding her pussy against his face. He licked up all of her that he could before he stood up and began unbuttoning his pants. Alexis was quick to help. He didn't know where her desperation and disobedience was coming from, but all his worry left as soon as her soft, red lips were wrapped around him.

Fenton tossed in his bed, a soft groan leaving his mouth, before he opened his eyes. It was bright, too bright for his eyes, so he closed them again. The groan leaving his mouth that time was for a completely different reason. Reality came crashing back to him.

Great. Just fucking fantastic.

Alexis was nowhere to be seen, but he definitely was hard as a doorknob and it was all because of her. He let out a frustrated sigh as he opened his eyes slowly looking towards the ceiling.

Why the fuck was he dreaming about her?

 _Exactly,_ Kevin agreed, picking the worst time ever to open his mouth. _Why were you dreaming about her?_

'None of your business.'

 _Actually it is. You shouldn't be thinking about her, not like that._

'You do remember that I've done more than just dream about her, right?'

 _Yes, but that was because you were doing your job. That dream was all on you._

Fenton sighed and closed his eyes.

'Just leave me the fuck alone for like five minutes while I gather my thoughts.'

Kevin seemed determined to get him even more pissed off as he voiced his many complaints.

'I didn't ask to think about her, not like that. It just happened.'

 _You enjoyed it, didn't you?_

'And what, you wouldn't?' he countered, sure that he'd said what he needed to get his mind to go silent.

And it worked. Not for very long though, because soon images were popping through Fenton's mind. Images of her, the reason he was so hard and uncomfortable that it hurt. First it was of her on all fours, her head thrown back, cries of ecstasy leaving her swollen lips.

'The fuck?' Fenton groaned, shaking his head from side to side, trying to rid himself from being put through more anguish. 'Would you fucking stop?'

 _But I thought you enjoyed it?_

Fenton ignored him as he got off of the bed and stretched. He didn't need to take any of his shit. He already had enough going on in his head that he had to try and figure out.

He went into his small kitchen and looked through the contents in his refrigerator and then sighed. When was the last time he had gone grocery shopping? While grabbing out what little supplies he had to make himself a less than favorable breakfast, he was stopped in his tracks.

Like the first time, another cluster of images filled his mind, just as suddenly. He could see Alexis on her back, her hair layered in sweat, some of it sticking to her face as she moved her hands along her body, one hand running itself through her hair as the other tweaked pulled at her nipple. She was moaning, biting her lip, and on the verge of tears as she was being eaten out.

Fenton slammed his fists hard against the kitchen counter. 'If you don't stop, I'll—'

 _What? What exactly can you do to me?_ Kevin's confidence was at full height and Fenton groaned.

'You don't want to find out, trust me.'

 _Not as far as I can throw you._ Kevin bickered.

While Fenton ate his breakfast, the man inside his head was silent and Fenton hoped he stayed that way. Even though he didn't want to embellish his dream about Alexis, he couldn't help but to let it play over in his mind on a loop.

He should have been focusing on more important things, like going over the evidence he had gathered for his assignment with a fine-toothed comb, but that was the furthest thing on his mind.

He didn't know why he tortured himself with his indulgence. He also didn't know why or how that dream had even came about. His best guess was that it had to do with their session and he was pretty sure his lack of sleep of the last week had something to do with it, too.

He couldn't allow this to affect him, especially when it came to seeing her again. He couldn't allow one dream to affect his overall performance. He wouldn't do it. He'd push it down deep and never think about it again. After all, it was just a dream, a fantasy that would never actually happen.

Now only if he could set his plan into motion and stop thinking about it.

 _Good luck._ Kevin said, mocking him in a teasing voice.

'Shut up.'

* * *

Twelve hours. She had been on the clock for twelve hours. Alexis sometimes wondered if the long hours would ever become easier as time went on. So far she wasn't convinced. She could hardly keep her eyelids open and it felt like her legs and arms were filled with sand as she made her way out of the precinct, trying and failing to carry case files, her coffee, cell, and her car keys.

Just when she was sure she was going to spill her coffee and drop her everything all over the bullpen floor, a hand reached out and caught her cup as it slipped from her fingers. She hissed and jumped a little until she was able to put a face with the hand.

She sighed with relief at the friendly face. "Thank you, Javi."

"No sweat. You look like you're about to drop just like this coffee almost did. Why don't you take a cab home?"

Alexis shook her head at him. "I'm fine, Javi. I'm tired, but I'm good enough to get home."

"You sure?"

Since their fight in the training room, the tension between them hadn't quite dissipated, but her partner seemed just as eager to move past it as Alexis was. She still caught him watching her and weighing her words carefully, as if he was trying to find the truth in her extra cups of coffee and the few stories she shared about her nonexistent personal life. Still, Alexis was more than happy for the peace.

"I wouldn't risk it if I weren't sure."

"I hope so," Javi said, before patting her shoulder. "Get some much needed rest. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, you will," Alexis sighed, but then smiled at her friend. "Night, Javi."

"Goodnight, Alexis."

The drive home seemed to go by fast. Alexis had her window rolled down and her music playing a little louder than normal in order to keep her conscious and alert. It worked, but it wasn't like she was actually concerned that she would fall asleep at the wheel.

When she got to her apartment, she quickly locked her door behind her, while kicking her shoes off. Her feet were sore and she was definitely worried about having cramps in them later. Maybe some warm water would help out. She stripped off her work clothes as she began a shower. She told herself that she wouldn't take too long. Javi was right. There was a lot of rest she needed to catch up on before her body gave out.

While checking the temperature of the water, Alexis was suddenly overcome with a feeling of sadness. She didn't know if it was just because of the long work days or if it had to do with her lack of sleep, but she found herself frowning at her reflection in the mirror opposite of the shower. She didn't really look like herself, but that wasn't nothing new.

She hadn't really felt like her true self since…

She closed her eyes and sighed, allowing herself to think about him. Just for a small moment. She knew that her overall sadness was linked to Kevin. She didn't try to think about him too much, or to try to picture him in her head, but sometimes she wasn't strong enough to resist the urge.

When she would picture him, she would never see the man that she had miraculously fallen in love with, but the other guy, the one who she had shattered. She would always see that look of pure disbelief on his face, that was until it twisted into the form of a cold glare.

That's how she would have to picture him in her head from there on. He was gone now, living in Boston, doing what he loved and probably having a blast doing it. She was just a memory to him, one that he probably buried deep down.

She sometimes wondered if he ever thought about her, but she doubted that he did. And if he did think about her it probably wasn't in the best of light. She was just a woman who had gone out of her way to make his life terrible.

She couldn't blame him for hating her. She just wished that she could feel the same about him. It would make everything a lot easier.

She stepped into her warm shower and tried her best to push those feelinbs down as deep as she could. All she needed to focus on was showering and then getting to bed as soon as possible.

The last thing Alexis remembered was dressing in pajamas and falling onto the couch. She suspected that she had fallen asleep quickly afterwards, because when she was woken up by the knocking on her door, it was still dark out and she felt more tired than she had previously been. She rubbed her eyes a bit and got up and let out a yawn as she walked to the door.

She hoped that whoever was knocking at her door didn't mind her white boyshorts and green tank top. Part of her wanted to go grab a blanket or a robe, but the sleepy part of her didn't care. What else could she be expected to be wearing at almost one-thirty in the morning?

Just as another knock started, she opened her door and let out a mild gasp.

Fenton was on her doorstep, wearing a black leather jacket, a red shirt peeking out from underneath, and he was wearing the most casual looking black jeans. He looked completely different from how she had ever seen him before, but at the same time, he looked so familiar. His hair was slicked back, and his glasses were pushed to the top of his head.

"Alexis."

"Fenton?"

"Hey."

That was all he had to say? Hey? Could he have sounded more casual? She wasn't sure what to say in return. What should she say to him? What was he doing? Why was he dressed in what she assumed was his casual clothing, standing at her door, as if it was such a normal thing?

"Hey," she said weakly, still trying to wrap her sleepy mind around what was taking place. "What are you doing here?"

He licked his lips and then did a scan of the hallway. "Is it okay if I come in? I need to talk to you about something important."

Her mind quickly went to worst-case scenario. He was there to tell her that he didn't want her to be his sub anymore, that he'd figured out her plan to use him.

And she couldn't even blame him for it. At least he was being respectful enough to tell her to her face.

"Um," she muttered, not sure how to proceed and not sure whether or not to let him into her place. That seemed a little too personal, but then again, he had seen almost every inch of her body and knew to give her body ridiculously intense pleasure. Wanting to keep him out of her apartment seemed trivial in perspective. "Sure."

She wasn't sure how to take Fenton dropping her as a sub. How would he word it? Would he try and tiptoe around her feelings or just lay it all on the line? She didn't know which she wanted more in that moment.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" Alexis asked, trying to sound more friendly than annoyed.

"No, thanks. I don't plan on staying long, I just wanted to come see you."

Alexis nodded, already bracing herself for what was about to come.

"How are you feeling?" he asked

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing after our session."

"Our session." Was that why he was ending it? Had she done something wrong?

"Yeah, I haven't seen you since then, and I just wanted to come check up on you." Alexis didn't say anything at first, she just stood there looking at him. Was he worried about her? That was surprising to her. Suddenly she felt undressed and folded her arms over her chest. "Is that okay? Me being here, I mean?"

Alexis nodded. "Yeah, that's fine. I'm doing okay. I've just been busy at work."

"I thought that maybe you wouldn't come back to the club."

"I wanted to, but like I said… I was busy with work."

"So you're okay with everything?"

Alexis nodded. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just that I know this whole thing is new to you and I wanted to make sure, really make sure, that you're okay."

"I am, I promise."

Fenton nodded to himself and she had to give him credit, because she had yet to see him checking her out while they were talking. Only when they had stopped talking had Fenton let his eyes drag over her. She bit her bottom lip and looked up at him. He was looking at her like she was his prey and she couldn't force herself to mind.

"So is that the only reason you came over?" It surprised her how low and breathy her voice was.

Fenton eyes met hers again. She couldn't describe it, but Fenton suddenly had a different look in his eyes. "It doesn't have to be."

It was a mad scramble after they both gave in, rushing toward each other, both of them so wound up that they only had one thing on their minds.

They were in her room, kissing each other wildly, undressing each other quickly, and then they were on her bed, Alexis on her back, until Fenton let her up and flipped onto his back, pulling her on top of him. She didn't get it at first, but she wasn't going to fight him. He was in charge, and that's how she wanted it to be. If he wanted her on top, she'd be on top. She kissed from his neck, down his body as his hands tangled in her hair, pulling her where he wanted her.

Without hesitation she had his cock in her mouth, moaning around him as he groaned and grabbed her hair tightly. She moaned as she swallowed around him. Seeing and hearing Fenton as she bobbed her head up and down on his dick was turning her on more than she had been in a long time. The noises he made were hot, familiar and like music to her ears.

He groaned and pushed her away when it apparently became too much for him.

"But, I wanted to taste you," she protested despite how wet she was.

"You will eventually, but I'm not ready to come, not yet." He rubbed her sides and then sat up, pulling her into his lap. Their hot skin was pressed up against each others as they kissed. "I want to taste you, too."

"Fenton—"

"Want you to come on my tongue. Please, let me do this." Holy shit, Fenton was pleading. Could he have actually been begging? "I need to taste you, pretty girl." She kissed him deeply and then nodded.

Fenton leaned back and placed his hands on her thighs. "Um, Fenton?" she swallowed thickly.

"Ride my face. I need you to ride my face. Need to see it."

She paused, almost certain that she couldn't do it. It wasn't her first time having someone eat her out, but it would be the first time that she would be sitting on someone's face and that scared her a bit. She didn't want to be self-conscious about her body and Fenton had never given her reason to be, but still…

"Don't you dare back out now. Just do it. I know you. You don't have to worry about anything."

"Really?"

"Are you kidding me? It's going to be sexy as hell and you're going to love every second of it."

Alexis doubted that he was wrong. Fenton had taught her a lot about what things she did and didn't like, and he also taught her about how much she could take. Which was more than she thought she could.

Alexis gathered up enough courage, which wasn't hard when she saw the look in Fenton's eyes. They were glazed over with lust and his was licking his lips. Clearly she didn't need to be worried. He wanted this, and she trusted that she would want it as well.

She climbed over his chest, her eyes closed, trying to keep her breath as even as she could. Once her knees were on either side of his head, Fenton placed his hands on her hips and pulled her down, her moist lips meeting his eager tongue. Her hands grabbed at his forearms as his tongue licked at her folds. Her fingers tightened around his skin as he tongued entered her.

She squealed a bit and Fenton used his hands to make her move against his mouth, urging her on. Alexis was still nervous, but did exactly as Fenton wanted. It felt good to be under his control. It made her feel so hot to be at his mercy, to have him calling all the shots, to have him want her so much.

Her body moved and jerked as Fenton directed it to. Alexis couldn't stop herself from moaning out his name as his tongue dragged all over her, licking at her folds, delving inside of her, circling her clit before he sucked on it.

At some point Alexis gave into what she wanted, what she needed. Fenton didn't need to move her how he wanted her. Alexis did it all herself, grinding her pussy against his face, burying one hand in his hair to pull it closer to her, her other hand was dragging over her breasts, pulling and pinching her nipple, make her body convulse at all the sensations.

Out of nowhere, while she was riding Fenton's face, she let out a small scream as his hand came down, smacking her ass hard. The touch made her jump, her eyes peeled open…

And she discovered she'd just fallen asleep on her bed, all alone, ready to scream out in frustration.

How many nights was she going to have that damn dream? How many nights was she going to have to take a cool shower and touch herself to make her body relax? How could he affect her so much? Sometimes she felt like Fenton must have been magical, because he certainly had a power over her.

Her body was buzzing, her shirt was stuck to her back because of the sweat, and she was consumed by the urge to scratch an itch that had only been caused because of that stupid dream. That damn stupid dream that she wanted to become reality so bad.

Alexis took a deep breath, and sat up, already knowing that she'd need another shower and good orgasm before she could even think about getting more sleep.

They'd had one session together, and they hadn't even done anything. Not really. Not for the first time, Alexis thought about calling off their arrangement, but she knew she wouldn't. Not when there was still a murderer out there. She'd have to stick to the plan and hope that she'd be able to keep it together long enough to solve her case.

She looked at the laptop on her dresser and considered the audio recordings stored on it. No mention of her vic or any of the other useful intel on her case, but there had been plenty of incriminating evidence otherwise: transactions, shipments, and talk of an upcoming deal.

Maybe if she shook things up a bit, some useful details would tumble her way.

Fenton was a criminal. Maybe he wasn't a complete asshole, but he wasn't one of the good guys, either. She couldn't let herself forget that, even if her subsconscious wasn't even a little bit worried about his profession.

She got out of bed and reached for her laptop, sifting through the audio feed until she found the particular conversation she'd been looking for.

Fenton O'Connell may have had his hooks in her, but she had her hooks in him, too.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much to ramennoodlebug for reviewing the last chapter. I hope chapter fifteen was worth the wait!


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

"I'm telling you, it's that redheaded slut's fault," Seth insisted.

Fenton seethed, ready to lash out at the man for being such a fucking idiot. They'd been called in to meet with Andres Moreno, the owner of the club and main point of contact with the kingpin who distributed the cocaine to the club, after a major deal had been interrupted by the police.

The deal itself was kept away from the club, and for now, Umbra and its dual-purpose staff were still safe. Not that Kevin was much comforted by this, considering the fact that it was his job to collect the intel to take down Moreno and the kingpin alike, and that little police sting had put his entire operation at risk.

"Who?" Andres asked, his eyes narrowing onto Fenton.

"Seth, here tried to pick up this sub a couple weeks ago," Fenton explained, his tone patronizing. "She wasn't interested, and he apparently can't take a bit of rejection." He couldn't quite write it off as a coincidence that after Alexis started attending the club, their operation was hit with police presence. But Fenton couldn't quite parse how Alexis would have gotten ahold of that privileged information in the first place.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"It doesn't. That's my point," Fenton explained.

Seth shook his head. "She's been snooping around here. She's up to something. Maybe she's a cop."

Fenton credited himself with all the years of undercover work that he was able to maintain his composure, despite how close the idiot had come to guessing the truth.

He licked his lips and cocked his head to the side. "She's been looking for a dom."

Seth shook his head. "No, she's been a tease and—"

"Is it really so hard to fathom a woman not fawning over you?"

"She's been a tease to everyone."

"Not me." Fenton turned to Moreno. "Sir, I'll see what I can find out about this leak. A real lead." The disdain in his tone made it clear what he thought about Seth's lead.

Moreno stood, buttoning his suit jacket. "You see that you do that. I want this problem solved, O'Connell."

"Yes, sir."

Moreno left and Fenton stood to follow him out. They only made it out onto the hallway outside the office before Seth's hand landed on his shoulder, and Fenton shrugged it off with a barely suppressed snarl.

"You think she's not up to something? Her pussy's that good, huh?"

"She's mine," he hissed at the man. "And she's just a sub. Nothing more."

Seth gestured down to the floor, where Alexis was perched at the bar, talking with Tessa. Another man took a seat next to her, reaching out to twirl a strand of her hair between his fingers. "Doesn't look like she's yours."

Fenton gritted his teeth. "That will be remedied."

"It better be." Seth left with a sour look on his face.

Fenton took a moment to compose himself before stalking down to the floor. She wasn't supposed to enter the club without him. She fucking knew better.

His pace increased, his mood souring as he reached the redhead at the bar.

"—long have you been coming here?" he heard Alexis ask before his fingers wrapped around her upper arm.

"Hey, gorgeous," he whispered in her ear. She jolted, then froze. "Ditch this idiot and meet me outside my office."

She turned to look him in the eye. "But—"

His hand let go of her arm and swatted her ass. "Now, pretty girl."

She let out an adorable little yelp when his hand made contact with her ass. She had no idea what she was in for if something like that was enough to set her on edge.

He tilted his head to the Dom she'd been speaking to. "She's taken." He turned to Tessa. "Glass of water, please."

Hiding a smirk, the dominatrix passed his glass over and he took his time sipping it down. He was in charge here. Not Alexis. It was time she learned that valuable lesson.

Sometime later, Fenton rounded the corner to find Alexis waiting outside his office like he'd told her to. She didn't appear pleased with his show of dominance down on the floor Fierce, determined. And more than a little pissed off. Her delicious mouth was pressed into a flat line, and her delicate chin was lifted in defiance.

Since that first scene when he'd been blown away by her responsiveness, by the trust she'd showed him after a year of living like a nun, their chemistry had only intensified. They'd had a few scenes together since that night, and he'd been careful to keep towing that line between playing and possessing.

But standing in front of her, taking in the waves of anger radiating off of her body, he found that he didn't care about that line anymore. He didn't give a shit if she was angry. She was still his to protect. His to care for. His. She was his fucking sub, attitude or not, liability or not, and it was time she learned that.

Drawing himself up to his full height, he prowled the rest of the short distance between them, maintaining eye contact we each step. Something flickered in her deep blue eyes, and she shifted on her feet. Apprehension? More anger? She bit her lip as she watched him approach, no doubt sensing the fury radiating off of him in waves. Fuck. She was so damn responsive. Why did she have to be so perfect?

All he wanted to do was trap her against the wall and take her in hand, teasing her until she trembled in his arms and begged for release. Good things to those who wait.

He tore his gaze from her and unlocked the playroom, careful not to allow his body to brush against hers as he entered.. "Come," he commanded her to follow him, his tone clipped from the strain of controlling his fury and his carnal urges. She straightened her shoulders and strode into the room after him.

He closed the door behind her with a sharp snap, and she jolted at the sound. Good. He wanted to leave her rattled, on edge. She was putting on a brave front, petulant and willful as always. She hadn't liked the way he'd claimed her down on the floor, in front of all the other patrons, in front of the shitheads who had dared to assume that Fenton didn't have complete control over her, over the situation. Over the shitshow that was threatening to unfold beneath his feet.

The worst part was, Fenton thought they might be right.

"What the hell was that about?" Alexis demanded. "I never agreed to that, Fenton. I never asked for the macho he-man act."

"You know the rules," he told her coolly. "You know you're not to set foot in the club without me."

"I waited for you," she insisted hotly. "I followed your stupid rules, and you didn't show up. I wasn't going to wait around outside all night."

His teeth gritted together. While she'd been waiting for him, he'd been getting his ass chewed by the boss, dealing with the fallout of a police bust that he'd had no part of. He was supposed to be in control of this situation. If the NYPD was involved with the drugs in the club, it was supposed to be through him, not some mysterious source.

Was it Alexis? As far as he knew, she was still with the NYPD. She'd seen that woman trying to who're herself out for drugs. She'd spent far more time in the club than Fenton was comfortable with. Christ, he'd taken her on as a sub to protect her and to protect his assignment. Now they were both in danger.

"What were you taking to that other Dom about anyway?"

"Nothing! Just small talk. He wanted to play. I told him I was waiting for someone."

"You didn't tell him you were mine."

"Because I'm not!"she burst out. "Just because we've had a few scenes—"

His hands closed around her shoulders. "As long as you're in this club, you're mine."

She knocked his hands away.. "What is your problem?"

He wanted to unload on her, to ask her if she'd been involved in the bust. He wanted to ask her, for the millionth time, what she was even doing hanging out in the club all the time. What was she looking for? Was it really him? Or was he just the means to an end?

But he couldn't let those questions out, couldn't drag her any deeper into his mess. So he settled for a different kind of truth.

"I don't want to see you hurt again."

Her gaze softened a bit. "I'm not hurt."

His fingers threaded into her hair at either side of her head, applying firm pressure as he tugged. She had no choice but to look up into his eyes as he questioned her. "You could have been. You have been already."

He watched her pupils dilate at the pressure. She bit her lip. "You don't have to worry about me."

"You don't have to risk yourself," he replied fiercely. "And if this is gonna work, you need to learn to actually listen to me."

"I am."

"No. You're. Not." He bit out each word, and his grip on her hair tightened enough to pass gentle pressure and into the beginning of pain. "I've let you play here, experiment safely. You've dipped your toes in. And if you want to keep it up, you need to listen. You need to follow my rules even when it's not convenient." He leaned close so he could whisper in her ear. "As long as you're in this place, you belong to me. Body and mind. You understand me? And if you don't like it. You can go somewhere else. That's the deal."

After spending what seemed like an eternity in deliberation, her eyes fell to the floor. "Okay."

His hand slid to the back of her head, yanking her hair back so they were nose to nose. His mouth hovered over hers, and her breath hitched.

"Say it," he growled.

"I'll follow your orders, sir."

His grip eased, and he brushed his lips over her forehead in a surprisingly affectionate gesture. "Good girl."

Her pupils dilated at the praise.

"Now, say you're mine."

Something like pain flashed in those baby blues. "I can't."

"What are you afraid of?" he asked. She didn't answer.

He frowned. "We'll work on that. I'd planned on starting some light impact play tonight, but I think we'll have to try something else."

"What?" she asked.

"I've got to make sure this lesson sticks, pretty girl."

* * *

Fenton took her hand and pulled her over to the mattress, where most of their play sessions had been. Nerves fluttered in her stomach as he quickly unlaced her corset top and pulled her skirt down her hips. He'd gotten used to undressing her through their sessions and she'd gotten used to allowing him to do so. He placed her clothes and shoes on the armchair and turned to face her. She'd chosen special black lace panties and bra for their session tonight, along with matching thigh highs. If the hungry look he gave her was any indication, he approved of her choice.

"What are you going to do to me?" Alexis asked as he stalked towards her.

"Discipline you," he answered shortly. "It's time you understand who's in charge here."

Alexis gulped. She'd seen discipline scenes before: spanking, flogging, whipping, caning—none of which had looked enjoyable to the sub involved. She didn't think she'd particularly enjoy that kind of attention, either.

He gripped her shoulders. "Turn around. Put your arms behind your back, and wait for me."

She followed his instruction, watching like a hawk as he began digging through drawers for supplies. He returned with a length of rope, a metal bar with cuffs on each end, and her blindfold. He'd made her wear the blindfold for every scene thus far. "What's all that for?"

"I'm going to restrain you again. And then I'm going to spank you. You have your safeword if anything becomes too much."

She nodded, biting her lip as he began looping the rope around her arms, shoulders, and torso to create a sort of harness. He threaded the rope between her breasts and back into a loop on her back, connected to matching loops for each of her wrists. Then Fenton pulled the rope tight, and Alexis gasped as pressure wrapped around her arms and around each of her breasts. She couldn't move her hands or arms. Sensation slowly increased as she felt the blood begin to pool in her breasts, and even the air seemed to tease her through the fabric of her bra.

"You like that, pretty girl?" he taunted her, reaching for the bar. "You're gonna love this."

He dropped it behind her feet. "Spread your legs."

As she followed his instruction, he pulled her stance wider, spreading her legs until she could feel cool air between her folds. Heat pooled in her belly, intensifying with the tingling pressure on her breasts. He secured a soft leather cuff to each ankle, keeping her legs spread at that distance.

"How's that feel?" he asked, stroking her leg as he stood behind her.

"Very secure," she breathed.

"You have no idea," he promised darkly. He secured the blindfold over her eyes, then used the harness to manhandle her torso onto the mattress. Her feet were firmly planted on the floor, the spreader bar keeping them apart. Folded at the waist as she was, her ass stuck in the arm, easily accessible for Fenton's use. The rest of her body was thoroughly restrained, unable to get in the way of his plans.

His fingertips traced over the curve of her ass and he tugged at her panties so more of her skin was exposed. "You look to die for right now." He gave her ass a light, playful smack and she gasped. His tone turned even darker. "Oh, pretty girl, this is going to be so much fun."

He stood next to her, one hand on her ass, and his other hand slid around her front. His fingers gripped her pussy through the material of her panties, and his palm ground against her clit. Alexis tensed. He'd never touched her pussy before.

"What's your safeword?" he asked.

"Red."

"Do you want to use it?"

She took a deep breath. "No"

"Good girl." He ground his palm against her clit in reward. "I'm going to spank you now, pretty girl. Try to enjoy yourself."

The first blow against her ass sent her on her toes, and her pelvis rubbed against the palm of his hand. Light pain flashed through her, followed by a dose of heavy pleasure. Her whimper turned to a moan.

"There's something you need to understand, pretty girl," Fenton said, his voice like silk. "As long as you're here in this club, you belong to me. You are all mine."

Another three smacks landed in quick succession, and once again, that delicious friction was there to soften the blow, to wind her up and despite the nature of the discipline, leave her wanting more.

"Do you understand?" he asked, curling the tips of his fingers into her folds, though her panties remained in the way. She gasped and wriggled against the gesture, earning herself more delicious sensation.

Two more smacks found a home on her ass. "I want an answer, pretty girl."

Alexis was panting, heat and sharp pain radiating from her ass, her clit pulsing hungrily, her breasts deliciously sensitive, lust smothering her awareness to almost everything except Fenton's assault on her senses. "I understand."

Three more strikes on her ass; three more doses of pleasure-pain. "Address me properly."

"I-I understand, sir." Alexis moaned. God she needed to come. She'd never felt so wound up in her life.

"Tell me you're mine," he demanded.

She shook her head, and Fenton laughed darkly. "Careful, pretty girl, I'm going to think you like this."

She shook her head again, and whined when Fenton's hand left her folds. "Your pretty little pussy has soaked my hand, gorgeous. I think you like it a little bit."

"No," she insisted, squeaking when his palm lightly smacked her swollen folds. Sensation lit up her clit, and she yelped when another smack landed, much harder, against her ass.

"Say it," he growled.

"No—" A moan tore from her throat as his palm smacked her pussy once, twice, thrice. One more and she'd come. One more. One more—

"If you come without permission, I will paint your ass to match your hair, gorgeous," he warned. He gripped her ass hard and tangled a fist in her hair, tugging her head off the mattress. "Say it, and I'll give you a nice reward."

She shook her head, and Fenton let her face fall back to the mattress. "Wrong answer."

Alexis lost track of time, lost track of the number of times Fenton spanked her, the number of times he soothed her inflamed skin by torturing her with pleasure, pushing her closer and closer to a line that he wouldn't let her cross.

"Please!" she whined, rubbing her swollen breasts against the mattress. Her ass was on fire, and she thought she'd burn up from wanting.

"Say it!" His hand slipped beneath her panties to swirl her wetness around her engorged clit. He ground his erection against her ass as he did so, the cotton of his slacks dragging against her skin like sandpaper. She wasn't the only one in need of a release.

She moaned, thrashing her head back and forth. It was the only part of her body she could move.

Fenton fisted her hair again, dragging her up against his body, rutting his cock against her abused flesh. He pinched her clit, and stars burst in her vision.

"Say. It."

"I-I'm y-yours," she gasped, almost sobbing with need. "I'm yours, Mr. O'Connell. I'm yours."

Two fingers slid inside deep inside her, fingertips brushing against her g-spot, she groaned at the unfamiliar intrusion, at her muscles stretching to accommodate his digits. His palm ground against her swollen clit. "Come for me," he snarled in her ear.

It took only a few seconds of his fingers pumping into her slick channel, his palm stimulating that little bundle of nerves, and white spot erupted in her vision as she clamped down on him, milking his fingers for all they were worth as pleasure glutted her senses.

His fingers fucked her through each wave, drawing out her pleasure till she was boneless on the edge of the mattress.

His fingers slipped out of her, leaving her feeling empty, and she felt him grip her panties and tear them open, making her more accessible for his use. She heard a buckle being undone and a zipper unfurling.

Red flags began popping up in her hazy mind. "Fenton.."

"All fucking mine," he promised. He dragged her closer to the edge of the bed by the rope harness, pulling her hips up. She felt his cock against her inner thigh, then rubbing between her swollen, wet folds, stimulating her clit.

She moaned at the sensation, a fresh wave of lust pumping through her. His pants brushed against her reddened, hot skin, and he pulled her up to stand, her back against his chest, his hard and leaking cock still teasing through her folds, every so often bumping her clit and sending little shocks of pleasure through her.

"If you weren't tied up," he groaned in her ear, "I'd watch you touch yourself. Get that sweet pussy all wet and slick."

"Fuck," she moaned, his voice sending her to new heights.

"Dirty mouth, gorgeous. Maybe we should keep it occupied." His fingers, the same fingers that were still wet with her slick, pressed against her lips. "Clean them up."

Her lips parted, and he slid his fingers in and out of her mouth, over her tongue just like she imagined his cock would be. She moaned at the salty flavor of herself.

His free hand brushed over her blood-filled breasts, teasing her over-sensitive nipples through her bra. She was going to come again if he kept this up.

As if reading her mind, he sped up his hips. She was so wet there was plenty of lubricant for his cock to tease her. Fenton angled his hips just the slightest bit, so the head of his cock caught on her opening just a bit with every thrust.

Alexis moaned again, and she cried out when he nipped at her earlobe, burying his face in her neck and whispering how good she felt.

He felt good, too. Hard and smooth and much bigger than she'd expected. He bumped her clit again, and stars appeared in her eyes.

"You gonna come for me again, pretty girl?" He rasped in her ear, his voice stuttering from suppressed pleasure.

She wanted to come. But that warning pressed in the back of her mind. Some reason this wasn't a good idea. Some reason that they were playing with fire…

"Fuck," he groaned, palming her breast, his sloppy fingers still heavy on her tongue. His teeth dragged over her shoulder. "Fuck, I can't…. I can't…" his fingers slipped from her mouth and he pinched her swollen nipples hard.

She whined, bucking her hips back, feeling like she was about to combust. His cock snagged on her opening again before sliding against her clit so perfectly her toes curled.

With a snarl, Fenton gripped her hips and lifted her against him. His cockhead speared into her opening, the brutality of it blurring pleasure and pain as she struggled to accommodate him.

Alexis cried out, sirens going off in her head, the sudden intrusion shattering the lust-filled haze around her. She jerked against her restraints, the rope harness and spreader bar doing nothing to protect her vulnerable body. "Fenton—"

Fenton's fingers slid over her clit, adding a fresh dose of pleasure to the onslaught. "You can take me," he assured her. She shuddered her body going haywire, relaxing into the pleasure, tensing from the pain, and she felt him slip another inch inside her.

She shook her head back and forth, thrashing against her restraints. There wasn't enough air in the room. She gasped. "No. No. Red. Red!"

He swore and pulled out of her. She already felt sore. She heard his zipper pull back up and felt him release her from the spreader bar. She closed her legs, feeling overexposed in only her bra. He made quick work of the harness, and she whined as blood flowed out of her swollen breasts. He flipped her over to face him, hugging her against his chest, and the blindfold came off last.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." His hands slipped over her shoulders, down her arms, back up to her face. "Are you okay? Tell me you're alright."

His panic strangely eased her own. He stopped. He didn't hurt her. Even lost to his own desire, even partially inside her, he'd stopped when she'd asked him.

"I'm okay." She wrapped her arms around him, hiding her face in his neck, trying to suppress the residual adrenaline pumping through her veins. She trembled against him, feeling cold.

"Here." He stepped away, and she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling overexposed. His fingers undid the buttons on his shirt, tugging it off of himself, and he slid her arms into the sleeves and settled it over her shoulders, buttoning it closed. The hem of the shirt hit her thighs, and she felt much more covered. His masculine scent wafted up from the shirt, wrapping around her. He cupped her face in his hands. "Did I hurt you? Be honest."

She bit her lip. "A little. I, um.." Heat spread over her cheekbones. "You're big."

His mouth twitched, and she saw warmth in his brown eyes, but he didn't smile. "I'm so sorry. I just… lost control."

"You stopped when I asked," she said softly. Her eyes were drawn to his bare chest. It was the first time seeing him in any state of undress. His arms and torso were ridged with muscle and lightly tanned skin. A line of hair trailed down from his belly button, disappearing beneath his slacks. Heat darkened her cheeks as she considered what he hid beneath the pressed cotton, and her eyes skittered back up to his chest, stopping at a swirl of black ink that peeked out from his shoulder.

"You have a tattoo?" she asked.

"Surprised?"

"What is it?"

He turned around, allowing her to examine the intricate design that swirled over his shoulder and trailed down his back. She realized the mark began at his spine and ended at his heart. It was beautiful and haunting. Masculine in design, and somehow vulnerable. Alexis felt that she was seeing something very personal.

"It's a reminder," he explained.

"Of what?" Her fingertips pressed against the mark.

"A mistake I don't ever want to make again," he said simply. He turned to face her, catching his hand in hers and pressing a kiss to her fingertips. "I'd like to give you aftercare, if you'll let me."

She nodded, touched by how humbled he'd become by his mistake. "Please."

He led her back to the mattress, toeing off his shoes and laying beside her. He stroked her hair away from her neck, gently massaging any residual soreness from her arms and shoulders.

Then his weight lifted from the bed as he retrieved more soothing cream. He worked it into her red, sensitive skin, still heated from the spanking, and massaged from her lower back down to her toes. He seemed to be extra penitent, trying to be thorough and gentle and soothing as was possible.

When he finished, Fenton drew her into his arms, draping her body over his. She nuzzled into his neck, feeling totally relaxed and at peace with the world.

"Thank you," she whispered. He kissed the crown of her head in response.

Alexis knew that eventually they'd have to talk about what had happened. When they'd started playing together,she'd never imagined anything like this. She'd have to figure out whether it was good or bad that they'd almost had sex and she still felt okay with him. Even though she barely knew him. Even though he was a criminal she was supposed to be using for information.

And even more daunting, she'd have to ask herself what sort of boundaries she really wanted with Fenton O'Connell.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

When Fenton put his car in park, he sighed. Was he overstepping? Was he not doing enough? He wasn't sure whether or not he should be taking Alexis home himself. Not because he hadn't done it before. Since Seth and Dominick had made their opinion of Alexis evident in the raised indentations in her skin, since his own sessions with her had become so intense so quickly, he'd made a habit of taking her home when he could. It gave him peace of mind to see her walking into her building unharmed. It made him feel like he was actually helping her with… whatever the hell she was hoping to get out of their sessions.

But tonight was different. And Fenton didn't know how to handle it. How could he help the woman he'd forced himself on?

Christ, just thinking about it made him want to crawl under a rock a die. The whole scene, Alexis had been right there, present, so compliant. Hell, she'd been begging for it, begging for him. He should have known better than to cross that line, to touch her where he'd promised he wouldn't. And after the first time, he should have known better than to keep touching her, to keep pushing. He sure as shit should have known not to get his dick out. Maybe he could have felt okay about everything if he'd made it about her pleasure alone… but he'd gotten caught up in her. He'd lost control. He'd been compromised.

The part that puzzled him the most was how okay she seemed. Inside, he was ready to tear himself apart, and Fenton hadn't even dared to let the detective out of the corner of his mind he'd shoved him in… right before he'd started touching Alexis.

"Thanks for the ride," Alexis said softly.

She was watching him with thinly veiled concern. What the hell did she have to be worried about him for? She should worry about herself. He'd felt the way her whole body had seized up when he'd pushed inside her. He'd heard the hitch in her voice, the plea as she whimpered his name. He'd felt her tremble in his arms when he'd released her from her restraints, when she'd buried her face in his neck, obviously to hide how much he'd terrified her.

"You're welcome," he said gruffly. He looked her over, from her still slightly mussed hair to the high heels and stockings covering her feet. Those pretty lace panties had ended up in the wastebasket. She didn't have much use for them after he'd torn them in half. Christ, he was beyond compromised. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She pursed her lips, looking down at her lap. "You stopped when I asked, Fenton." He heard the subtext in her gentle reminder, and he didn't want it. He didn't deserve praise for doing the right thing, especially after he'd done the wrong one.

"We should probably talk." He looked at the steering wheel gripped tightly in his hands. "When you're up for it."

"Now's fine. You can come up." She left the car, and he followed suit, surprised at her offer.

"You're inviting me up?" he asked. "After what just happened?"

She squared him with a look. "I may wear the submissive hat for you, but that doesn't mean I can't knock you into the pavement if I feel threatened. Besides," she shrugged, "I don't think you're gonna give me a reason to feel that way. I'm not afraid of you." She turned up the steps to her building.

"Maybe you should be," he muttered, following after her.

He'd never lost control like that with a sub before. He'd always kept to the established boundaries, and though he'd had baser thoughts during one scene or another, it was never been a hardship to set that temptation to the side. Alexis was proving to be different in that regard, and it wasn't just because of the man inside of his head, the man who still loved her, the man who—though he'd never admit it aloud—still wanted to be with her. Fenton liked Alexis. She was proving to be a good sub for him, even if she didn't always comply to his commands all the time, but even that made him like her. She was strong willed and who didn't like a trait like that?

He liked her, respected her in a way that had nothing to do with the skimpy little outfits she paraded around in. He'd feel the same way if they'd met working some white collar desk job, rather than at a kink club.

Alexis unlocked her door and walked in, leaving it open behind her. Fenton stood awkwardly in the hallway for a few seconds before he finally walked into her place. He closed the door behind him, while taking a brief look around.

Her apartment was nothing like thought it might be, but that didn't surprise him. Alexis was good at keeping him guessing about her. Her apartment was bare. She didn't have much in the ways of furniture. She had a small, but comfortable-looking couch sitting against her wall. A TV on the other side. It looked to be quite small, maybe a thirty inch screen, a lot smaller than the sixty inch he was used to. There was a standing lamp in the corner of the living room, that didn't allow a lot of light as Alexis turned it on.

Her kitchen was very clean. The only appliance sitting out was a coffee maker, and other than that she didn't seem to have anything. That, or she was very tidy and everything was hidden away in cabinets.

Alexis cleared her throat a little and Fenton turned towards her.

"Are you just gonna keep lurking in doorways, or…" A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and he knew she was teasing him. This was a different dynamic, and Fenton wasn't sure he liked it. In the club, Alexis was the stranger and he was in control. The tables seemed to have turned. And Fenton immediately felt that itch, that bone-deep need for control.

"So what happened between us—"

"Do you want to sit?" she asked, perching herself on the edge of her couch. A soft looking throw blanket was draped over the back of it, and he could imagine her wrapping herself in it for warmth and comfort. Kevin remembered how much she loved curling up on the couch with a book or a movie on those lazy days off together. He'd loved cuddling with her. He missed it.

"Fenton?"

He shook his head, snapping out of his reverie. Fenton suppressed a frustrated sigh, attempting to shoo the detective back to corner of his mind. Fenton needed to have a talk with his sub, and it was better if Kevin wasn't present. Fenton crossed the space between them and took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. He took a breath. "There are some things I need to say."

"Okay . . . "

He licked his lips. "I'm sorry for the position I put you in tonight. I was out of line, and I was reckless, and I was an asshole."

"You respected my safeword," she reminded him, looking confused.

"I did," he agreed. "I stopped when you asked, but since that's pretty much the bare minimum for not committing assault, I'm not feeling nearly as good about it as you. You don't understand, Alexis. If I were doing my job, you wouldn't have had to use your safe word. I never would have touched you like that. I would have respected and followed the boundaries we agreed on when we started this."

Alexis was quiet for a long time, finally sighing. "I didn't mind. I . . . I liked it, at least until—" she blushed, and it was so goddamn adorable that Fenton felt a smile stretch across his face for the first time all night.

"That doesn't change the fact that it was my responsibility to take care of you and make sure that, regardless of how caught up in things you became, you were never pushed past your boundaries. That's what a good dom does."

"What do you get out of that kind of arrangement? It seems like I'm the only one benefitting."

Fenton shook his head. "I get you, all submissive and sweet and… trusting. You get freedom and a release, I get control and a different kind of release."

"I felt that tonight," she said softly. "Did you feel it, too?"

With a sigh, he shook his head. "At moments, but I was too out of control when we began. I shouldn't have touched you at all, not while my head was such a mess."

"What happened?" she asked. "Did something upset you?"

Fenton bit his lip. He couldn't tell her much of anything without implicating her. "Nothing you need to worry about."

She frowned again, her lips taking on that maddening pout. "Fenton, you can tell me."

"No, I actually can't," he insisted.

"Does it have something to do with me? You were acting so…. Possessive, I guess."

Fenton kept his poker face up. "No," he shook his head. "Just work stress. And I'm sorry I allowed it to affect my behavior. It won't happen again." He paused. "That is, if you still want to do scenes with me."

Alexis cocked her head to the side. "I don't see why I wouldn't want to."

"Really?"

She nodded. "You've been very respectful and humble. You made a mistake, but it seems like you're going to learn from it."

"You're really okay with… with everything—"

"I'm not that breakable, Fenton. Yes, I'm fine. I still feel safe with you. I still want to do scenes with you."

Fenton couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't imagine getting off so easily.

"And actually…" Alexis licked her lips, looking nervous. "I'm willing to renegotiate our boundaries, if you're interested."

"Umm…. how?" he asked dumbly, beyond shocked. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kevin was about to lose his shit.

"I liked almost everything you did tonight." Her hands were curled in the blanket that she'd pulled into her lap. "I liked how you touched me, and… spanked me. I liked it all." She finally looked up at him. "I still don't want to um, have sex or anything, but... " she glanced back down at the blanket, "if you're interested in more, I'd be willing and… eager."

Fenton blinked, just staring at her for a moment. This was not how he'd expected their conversation to go. Obviously she wasn't as shaken by their scene as he was, but he still had never dreamed she'd ask for more.

'No!' Kevin shouted in his head. 'There's no fucking way you're screwing around with her anymore than you already have.'

Alexis' soft voice pulled him out of his head. "Do you want that?"she asked.

He licked his lips, still mulling things over. "No sex?"

"No sex."

"Is that the boundary? Anything short of my cock being inside you is just fine?" His heart was racing. This was not how their conversation was supposed to play out.

"If that's what you want." Her voice was softer now, almost like she was afraid he'd reject her.

"That's what you want?" he asked, gritting his teeth at the way he was just talking in circles, but he had to wrap his head around it. He had to be sure before he touched her.

'You shouldn't be touching her,' Kevin reminded him. Not once should Fenton have ever touched her. Alexis wasn't his. And if she knew the truth…

"That's what I want," Alexis confirmed.

Christ…

"But it's okay if you don't want the same things," Alexis said, her voice becoming less vulnerable. "We can just continue like we've been doing." She stood up, and he caught her wrist.

As his thumb drew circles on the inside of her wrist, words stalled on the tip of his tongue. He wanted that, too. But even as that bittersweet mix of self-loathing and desire set in, he knew that agreeing to more would be wrong. She didn't know who he really was, and until that was the case, he had no business digging himself even deeper. For a half-second he considered telling her the truth—he knew he needed to tell her the truth. He was already overdue, wasn't he? He was already in over his head, in so deep there would be no finding his way out.

"I think I'm gonna go clean up, get out of this outfit," she said, gently freeing her wrist from his grasp. There was a slight twist to her lips, probably disappointment that he hadn't yet answered her question in the affirmative. Of course, he hadn't said no, either. "Will you be here when I get out?"

Fenton shrugged. He honestly didn't know what he was doing there in the first place, so who was he to know how long he'd be staying? It was obvious that Alexis was the one calling the shots. Every word that she'd said since they arrived at her apartment had taken him by surprise.

"Depends on if you want me to be here. Your call."

Alexis seemed to consider it for a bit, before she took a deep breath and nodded. Alexis disappeared behind her bedroom door and it only took half a second for that little bubble of happiness to burst. Fenton sighed. Why was he there?

He could leave. He didn't have to stay. If Alexis were to get done with her shower, come out and find him gone, she probably wouldn't be too surprised. Fenton wasn't a guy was supposed to get attached. Working at the club made it easy for him to just do his job while different women entered and exited from his life. Then Alexis showed up and everything changed. His job was infinitely more difficult and now that she was his sub, things were becoming more difficult on a personal level. He should have never allowed for it to happen.

Fenton was in new territory. This wasn't part of his job. Alexis wasn't the job. Making sure her feelings were intact wasn't the job. Yet, there he was, standing in the living room of her apartment, all alone.

If he were a better man, he'd leave. He'd get Alexis blacklisted from the club. He'd cut ties and make sure she was never caught up in his selfishness again. He could leave at anytime, but Fenton, despite himself, wanted to stay.

While Alexis was tucked away in the shower, walls separating them, Fenton allowed himself just a moment to release the tension that had been boiling inside him. There was residual disgust at himself, sure, but there was also a whole other person with a whole other set of reasons for being furious with him inside his head, so Fenton let the detective on his shoulder have his say.

Kevin was a fucking mess. He made Fenton's own reactions seem tame and subdued, and for a moment, Fenton was overcome by the all the noise in his head. They needed to tell Alexis the truth about who Fenton really was. They needed to put as much space between Alexis and Fenton as possible. They needed to get Alexis out of that club altogether. They needed to stick by her side and make sure she was okay. They needed to protect her from all the shitty criminals posing as doms in the club.

Guilt and fury laced through him as Kevin relived every moment that Fenton had touched her, all the places he'd touched her, and the promises he'd violated.

'You're here to do a job, not try to fuck my ex-girlfriend when she's not asking for it!'

That moment, that one moment that played on a loop in Fenton's brain, when Fenton had been inside her, dominating her with his strength and size. It was too far. And everyone in the room knew it.

Yes, he'd stopped when she'd asked him. And yes, she'd been just as lost to her desire as he'd been up until _that_ moment. But Fenton knew from both Kevin and his own experience with Alexis that she was high-strung, tightly coiled and closed off. It was his responsibility as her dom to give her a safe space to let go, not to take advantage of her when she finally did.

He looked around her small apartment trying to get a sense of what she was like outside of the club, whether her daytime life had changed much from when Kevin knew her, but there was no signs that Alexis was even living there. Her apartment looked more like a storage for her things than an actual home. He wouldn't be surprised to learn that she had things that were still packed in boxes somewhere.

When Alexis returned, she was wearing a robe, but she definitely had clothes on underneath it. He could see black and white striped pajama bottoms covering her legs and she appeared to have a black shirt underneath her pink robe. Her hair was brushed and hanging down straight over her left shoulder. She smiled shyly at him.

"Small place," he commented.

"I don't need much room."

"I can see. It doesn't look like you have a lot of things."

"Do you want something to drink?" Alexis walked into the kitchen, and he followed, leaning against the doorframe.

"I'm fine, thanks," he said.

He watched her carefully as she walked to the counter, picked up a mug and started filling with water. She turned back towards him, taking a drink.

"Where'd you get that?" Fenton pointed to the mug.

Alexis ran her fingers over it. "Someone that I used to know bought it for me."

"A friend?"

"My ex."

"Oh," he looked at the mug again and really paid attention to it. Kevin saw that it was from a gift shop of the aquarium that he and Alexis had gone to when things were so much more simple for the both of them.

She had loved the design so much and Kevin could still remember the smile on her face when he bought it for her. Fenton had never seen Alexis smile that big before. He thought it was a good look on her. When he backed away, he saw her staring at him.

"What are you staring at, gorgeous?" Fenton asked as Kevin's defenses went back up.

"Sometimes when I look at you, like, really look at you, I'm reminded of him."

Fenton didn't know how to respond to that, but he knew that he couldn't freak out about it. "Is that a good or a bad thing?"

Alexis shrugged. "I'm not sure. Sometimes it during our scenes, I get a little lost in my head, because every once in awhile, I'll be thinking about him."

"Did he and you ever do any of the that things we have?"

"No, not like we've done, but I think I could have seen myself doing some of things we've done with him."

"Maybe that's why you think about him when you're in those moments."

"Maybe, but I guess I shouldn't think about it. I shouldn't think about him at all really."

"Were you thinking about him tonight?"

She bit her bottom lip. "Not until it was over."

Fenton honestly didn't know what to say about anything that Alexis was telling him. Of course he was going to remind her of Kevin, but she couldn't know why. He also knew that changing the subject wouldn't help.

"You enjoyed tonight, right? Before the end?"

Alexis nodded. "Yes, I enjoyed it, but sometimes I just think about what other people would think if they knew what I was doing."

"What do you think he'd say?"

Alexis shook her head a bit. "Considering that we ended on bad terms and he's out of my life permanently, I'm pretty sure he'd think I'm some kind of slut."

Fenton suppressed the indignation, the need to comfort her. He noticed the way Alexis practically spat out the words, like she was still bitter. Of course she was. "When you say bad terms?"

"What about it?"

"Well," Fenton stopped himself. He needed to do this subtly if he ever wanted Alexis to say anything. He needed to throw her off a little. "He wasn't abusive to you, was he? Did he ever hit you?"

Alexis immediately shook her head. "No, he never laid a hand on me, well, not to hurt me anyway."

Fenton nodded already knowing the answer. "Well you never know. Some of the sub' I've been with come from bad relationships."

"I guess I can see that, but I'm not like them. He wasn't that kind of a person. He would have never hurt me. Sure, we had our differences and problems, but we talked it out. We never resolved things with violence. He's a good man."

"Then why didn't it work out?" Fenton wasn't entirely sure that those were actually his words. Kevin seemed stronger than usual.

Alexis sighed and Fenton knew she was getting frustrated. He couldn't blame her. He was a little frustrated himself. "It just didn't, okay?"

Fenton wasn't sure whether the words were his or Kevin's, but before he knew it they were coming out of his mouth. "Obviously your past relationship is affecting you. If you don't talk about it, it's never going to get better."

"Talk? To who? You?"

"Somebody," Fenton said and then made himself shut up. He wasn't even supposed to be there, let alone giving her any kind of advice. He blamed Kevin. Kevin was practically pushing Fenton into being there and talking to her about things that he shouldn't be talking about.

Her eyes narrowed. "Why do you care?"

Good question. He shouldn't give a damn, but he did. "Why wouldn't I care? You think I can spend night after night with someone handing their wellbeing and safety over to me and not care about them? If that's what you really think, then we really have no business doing scenes together anymore."

Fenton knew that talking about her and Kevin's break up would be hard on Alexis, but he knew she could do it and it had to have helped her to think that she was talking to an impartial third party.

She tucked some strands of hair behind her hair, with her shaky hand and then crossed her arms over her chest again. "The relationship ended because of me, not him. I was the one who messed it all up. I was jealous and I let my insecurities ruin the best relationship I've ever had with maybe the one guy that I actually loved."

Fenton watched as Alexis began to take down her walls. He watched tears gather in her eyes, he watched her as she took deep breaths, to keep herself calm. "I cheated on him. I ruined everything because I was jealous. Instead of trusting him, I decided to hurt him instead. Now he's gone. He moved away, and I know it's going to sound like I'm an egomaniac, but I know it was because of me. He hated me so much that he moved away and didn't even tell me. I had to find out from a mutual friend."

Fenton didn't know what to say and when he was relying on some help from Kevin, he was met with silence. Clearly Alexis' words had affected him, because he wasn't really saying much, but Fenton could feel the tension rolling through him.

"You cheated?"

"Yeah," Alexis said and then shook her head. "I was the one to end it all and now I'm stuck here wondering why he didn't care enough to tell me why he left. It's stupid, huh? I wish I could take it all back. None of it was worth losing him, but I guess I just love to sabotage myself."

"We've all been there."

"Have you ever cheated on someone?"

Fenton let out a laugh. "I'm not the type of guy to get invested in just one woman, so I guess the answer is no."

"You might have the right idea. Investments always come back to bite you at some point."

"Don't say that. You don't mean it."

"I don't?"

"You obviously don't regret being with him. All you seem to regret is that it ended and how it ended. You care. You can't lead my type of lifestyle if you care as much as you clearly do."

Alexis seemed to be letting his words settle into her brain and Fenton let out a sigh. "Why does it hurt so much? We've been broken up for a long time."

"You cared about him, you still do. It will hurt less when you learn to let it go."

"He hates me, how do I get over that?"

The detective on his shoulder was saddened by that remark, and Fenton knew all too well that Kevin didn't hate her at all. "Maybe he doesn't. Maybe that's just what you've convinced yourself."

"No, he hates me."

"How can he hate you if you love him so much? Doesn't make sense to me. Worry about the things you can do and the things that you can change, not anything else." He squeezed her hand. "And for the record, if he knew what you're doing and judged you instead of being glad that you're trying to find some sort of happiness, well, then that asshole isn't worth your tears."

Alexis sniffled and drew Fenton's eyes to hers. "I'll think about what you said."

"Good."

Alexis looked at him, biting her lip a little. "Are we still on for Friday?"

"You sure?"

"I'll be ready and I'll be fine. It's up to you, though."

He let out a breath and nodded, knowing that Alexis would be back. Knowing that they'd never quite settled their boundaries.

"Wait," she said, and as he turned around, he felt her arms wrap around him.

"Thanks for listening," she whispered.

"Anytime," he said with a smile as he extracted himself from her arms. He closed the door behind him and made a promise to himself never have a reason to go back. Already, Alexis was way too dangerous for him. Fenton didn't want to find out what other methods she could use to make herself even more perfect to him. Fenton rubbed his face as he jogged down the stairs. The detective on his shoulder had retreated, leaving him alone to deal with this mess.

He was so screwed.

* * *

Way too late the next morning, Alexis stumbled out of her bedroom. It was her day off, first one in a long time, and With the emotional tumult of the night before, she'd forgotten to set her alarm.

Alexis usually treated days off as just another day to be filled with distractions. Yes, it was when she did her laundry, added some food to her pantry, and usually called her father or spent time with her grandmother. However, it was also the day that she'd get some daytime footwork done on her pending cases, the kind of footwork that would give Javi a heart attack for her being involved without him. Like listening to the countless hours of audio she'd been collecting from the bug she'd planted in Fenton's office.

Alexis tried to suppress her guilt. After their talk the night before, she was beginning to question exactly what it meant for her to be collecting incriminating information from him.

If he knew what she was really doing, would he hate her?

Alexis already knew the answer to that one.

So she began brewing some coffee, looked through her fridge for anything resembling breakfast food. She was at once reminded of Kevin's French toast, and the big breakfasts they'd make when they shared days off.

That pretty much killed any hunger her belly could muster up. Instead, she pulled the bottle of whiskey from the back of her fridge and poured a bit into her coffee mug.

For the first time in recent memory, Alexis hadn't dreamed about Fenton. Despite their fierce session the night before. Her subconscious had decided to torture her in a different way, and she'd dreamed of Kevin instead. She'd dreamed he'd found out about her secret life, her nights away the club, and he hadn't been happy for her at all. Quite the opposite, really. And his judgment had wormed its way into the pieces of her she kept tucked away, hidden from her family, Javi and Captain Beckett, Fenton, and even herself.

"Once a slut, always a slut," his voice had rang in her mind.

Alexis rubbed her face, watching the black liquid drip into the carafe. She never should have shared all those things with Fenton. Digging up the past hadn't helped her yet, and last night hadn't changed anything. They were still broken. He was still living a new, probably amazing, life in Boston. She was still alone. And he probably wouldn't pick up the phone if she tried to reach out. Nothing had changed.

She still needed to get over him. To move on with her life. She wished she knew how.

As Alexis poured coffee into her mug of whiskey, a loud thump sounded at her door. She started, spilling some hot coffee onto the counter. "Dammit." She sighed, then ducked into her bedroom to grab her bathrobe. Who would be a her door? If her dad was stopping by, he would have called first. And he would have used his key and walked in right after he knocked. Alexis was still breaking him of that particular habit. Not that she ever had anyone over to her apartment. Her father wouldn't be interrupting anything.

As she reached for the doorknob, she wondered whether Fenton was returning. She doubted it, though she also couldn't contain a hint of hope. She shook her head, what business would he have at her apartment? They'd sorted everything out the night before, when he'd been a strange mix of tender and distant. Like he couldn't help but be near her and hated himself for feeling that way. She opened the door to find a delivery courier on the other side.

"Hey," the courier said, arranging the packages in her arms. "Need your signature."

"Who're they from?" Alexis asked, using the plastic stylus to sign for the delivery.

The courier shrugged. "Not my business." She handed over the two packages, one tall, the other small and square. "Have a good day."

"You, too." Alexis shut and locked the door behind her, setting the packages on her side table. The tall package was from a fancy flower shop on the upper east side. Again, Alexis thought of her father, but she wasn't sure why he'd feel the need to send flowers.

Using a knife from the kitchen, she tore open the box and gasped when she saw its contents. A beautiful crystal vase full of three dozen yellow roses and baby's breath. It was the most beautiful arrangement anyone had ever given her, and had to have cost a pretty penny. Alexis touched one of the petals, marveling at the soft texture on her fingertips. She'd never been given yellow roses before.

There was no note tucked in among the flowers, no idea who had sent her such a lovely gift. With a frown, Alexis turned to the small box, which was wrapped in brown paper and string. The wrappings gave way to a small white box. It looked like a jewelry box, like someone was sending her a necklace. She looked between the box and the flowers, trying to understand the puzzle in front of her.

With a deep breath, she lifted the lid off the box. Her stomach leapt up into her chest. A sterling silver choker lay on a bed of velvet, adorned with strands of blue crystal. She picked it up, letting her fingertips drag over the smooth metal and stone. It was gorgeous, and Alexis had a feeling the color would suit her eyes. In fact, whoever had bought the necklace was likely planning on it.

A tiny square of white caught her attention, and Alexis pulled out a note from the corner of the necklace box.

 _Wear this on Friday. I'll meet you in our room._ —F

Her fingertips caught on the clasp, and she noticed a tiny lock set into the mechanism. Realization dawned. It wasn't a pretty necklace; it was a submissive collar. She set it back in the box with a sigh, her excitement deflating just a little bit. She knew what it meant for him to give her a collar and ask her to wear it, but she wasn't sure she wanted to follow through, whether it was fake or not.

She set the flowers and collar aside and returned to the counter, where the coffee spill had gone cold. She wiped up the mess and took a long pull from her mug of Irish coffee. Then she took her phone off the counter and dialed Fenton.

He answered on the third ring. "Yes?"

"What if I don't want to wear your collar?" she asked without preamble.

She thought she could hear his eyes rolling over the phone. "Then don't." He didn't sound much more chipper than she was, and she wondered whether or not her apartment had been his last stop the night before.

Silence set in for a moment. She hadn't expected such an aloof response. "Why did you give it to me anyway?" she asked.

"You want freedom. I want anyone else to think twice before touching you. I figured this would solve both our problems."

She rubbed her face, frowning at the possessiveness that clearly hadn't been resolved from their talk the night before. "I'm not really yours," she said quietly. "We're just…. Playing." She sighed. She didn't think she needed to say it out loud, she figured he knew that already, but then again she'd never been sent a collar before.

"I'm well aware."

Alexis would have killed to see his expression. His voice wasn't giving away anything. "Okay. I'll wear it then."

"Good." He didn't sound like he thought it was good, or bad, for that matter. "Did you need anything else?"

She shook her head, then realized he couldn't see her. "No."

"Alright. Bye—"

"Fenton?"

"Yeah?"

Her eyes landed on the giant bouquet, and she bit her lip. "Thank you for the roses. They're beautiful."

For the first time, she heard something like warmth in his voice. "You're welcome, pretty girl. I'll see you Friday."

"Bye."

Alexis hung up the phone. Her face felt hot as she replaced the lid on the jewelry box and tucked the collar away in her closet with her club outfits. It was just another piece of her costume, she told herself. It didn't mean anything. Still, she couldn't help but think of the girl who'd been murdered, the sub who'd been asphyxiated with her own collar, a heavy, iron thing that she'd clawed at in her last moments of life.

It was part of the costume. It'd give her the freedom she needed to help solve that poor girl's murder. It was a necessary evil.

Once the packaging had been thrown out and the flowers had been given water and placed back on her end table, Alexis curled up on her couch with her coffee in hand, her computer on her lap. As she pressed play on Fenton's audio files, her eyes skipped over those flowers again, and she felt something like guilt knot in her stomach. She looked back down at her computer screen, focusing on the recording.

She knew all about necessary evils.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

 _Don't do it._

'Why shouldn't I?'

 _Do you really think this is best thing you could be doing with your time? Have you forgotten about the case?_

Kevin rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to let one phone call ruin his case. He wasn't that stupid and Fenton knew that. 'I'm well aware of the case.'

Kevin had been debating with his inner criminal for quite some time about whether or not he should call Alexis. He had no idea how she would react to hearing from him, but he didn't really care. He needed to talk to her. She needed to know how he really felt about how things ended between them.

If she was going to the club because he made her feel bad about herself, then he needed to fix it. She deserved better than this. She could have her choice of any guy she wanted, so why was she coming to the club to be someone's sub? That didn't sound like her. Not the woman he remembered.

Maybe she wasn't the same person, though. Maybe she had changed since they broke up. Just thinking that he could have anything to do with her going to the club in the first place was putting him on edge. It made him sick to think he could have affected her in such a negative way.

He'd talked himself into calling her because it was the right thing to do. He loved her. He wasn't going to tell her that, though. He needed to fess up to his role in the demise of their relationship. She needed to hear him say just how badly he had screwed everything up. He needed her to know just how horrible he felt for ever letting Jenny back into his life. Alexis needed to know that Kevin was to blame for everything.

Just as he was about to call her, Fenton decided that needed to voice his opinion, which of course, was the opposite of Kevin's.

 _Then why waste your time with her?_

'You don't seem to mind spending your time with her.'

 _It's my job to spend time with her, not yours._

'That's not up to you to decide. This is my life.'

 _Are you sure? Because here lately you haven't been doing much. It's been me doing everything for you._ It was like Fenton was teasing him, taunting him.

'That can be changed.'

 _We both know that's a lie. I'm here for a reason. Goody-two-shoes can't do what I do. Without me, Alexis would have gotten herself seriously hurt by those one or more of those dead-brained doms. I was there to stop it, because you needed me to. You couldn't do that. The things I do with Alexis are outside of your caliber._

''Fuck off.'

 _If you call her, it's just going to freak her out. She's going to be a nervous wreck. You know how guilty she feels already._

'And that's the problem. If I can talk to her and reassure her that she has nothing to feel guilty about, then how can that be a bad thing?'

 _You do know that if she ever figures all of this out, that you are just going to be digging yourself a bigger hole by trying to get all buddy-buddy with her?_

'I just want to make her feel better about herself.'

 _She doesn't need you for that, Kev. She has me._

'Yeah, I'm sure your sessions are doing wonders for her self esteem.'

 _They are. You see how she is now when she's with me. She's much more confident than she was in the beginning._

'That doesn't matter. She thinks I hate her, and I need her to know that she's wrong.'

 _So what? You're going to call her and tell her that you're still in love with her and want her back? Have a relationship with her, so that she has to stop coming to the club?_

'She shouldn't be at that club. Maybe it's time for her to stop. Time for us to stop all of this. Like you said, if she ever finds out, she's going to hate me. This needs to be over.'

 _You know that's not going to happen. She comes there for a reason. One phone call from you isn't going to change her mind on coming back to the club._

'Maybe it will. Maybe she's going there because of our relationship and how it ended. Maybe she hates herself and this is her way of punishing herself.'

 _Why would you assume that it has to do with you?_

'Because the Alexis I knew wouldn't be in a club like that, not without a reason.'

 _You calling her is just going to mess with her head. She doesn't need that stress right now._

'I'm calling her and you can't stop me.'

 _Alright go ahead. Call her. Add more fuel to that fire and if she ever finds out who Fenton O'Connell really is, this is going to blow up in your face. Alexis will hate you the same way that she thinks you hate her. She'll never forgive you._

"That's going to happen regardless. I need to tell her that she's not to blame, that I was the one who fucked everything up.'

 _You sure did, didn't you, pal?_

Ignoring the voice in his head, Kevin scrolled through his phone, finding Alexis' number. It was a different one than she had before. He wasn't sure what to tell her if she asked him where he got it from. She had given it to Fenton, not him. He supposed he would just have to come up with the most plausible answer. He pleaded with Javi until he gave it to him. He just hoped that lie wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass later.

Grabbing his other phone, his personal one, not the one he used for his cover, he dialed the number and then took a deep breath as he placed it to his ear. It rang five times before it went to her voicemail. Kevin didn't know whether or not if he should have been relieved or upset.

He wanted to talk to her, but he wasn't sure that she would want to talk to him. What if he said something that made her uncomfortable? What if he put his foot in his mouth and made things worse?

 _Be happy she didn't answer and move on. You dodged a bullet, don't press your luck._

'Maybe you're right.'

 _Of course I am._

His phone rang. He looked at the number, the number he had just called. His heart was pounding and his hands were a little clammy. He didn't know what to do and apparently Fenton didn't either, because he wasn't saying a thing.

After three rings, he sucked in a deep breath and accepted the call.

"Hello?" His voice, the one he usually used as Fenton was gone, but even his normal voice wasn't there. Instead it was replaced with a much higher register.

How was he going to talk to her?

* * *

By the time she heard her phone ringing, Alexis didn't have a prayer at getting to it before it went to voicemail. She'd just gotten out of a warm, relaxing bath. A luxury that she hadn't let herself indulge in for such a long time. She was stressed with both work life and her personal life. As of late, her personal and work lives had collided.

A bath was just what she needed to escape for a little while. She dressed in her comfiest pair of pajamas, wanting nothing more than to just be able to relax for the rest of the night. She let her hair stay down, allowing it to dry naturally. Her plan was Netflix and wine.

She grabbed her phone, checking to make sure that she hadn't missed an important call.

The number wasn't familiar and usually Alexis ignored unknown calls, but for some reason she called the number back. It was probably just a wrong number, but she wanted to be sure of it.

"Hello?" A nervous voice came over the line.

"Hey. I just got a phone call from this number, so I called back?" She waited as the person on the other line remained silent. "Um, are you still there?"

"Yeah." The speaker cleared their throat. "I'm here." Alexis swore the voice sounded strangely familiar, but she didn't say anything, deciding that they needed to explain themselves. "It's me, Alexis. It's Kevin."

Alexis swallowed harshly, but then shook her head. "Excuse me, who is this?" Clearly she had heard wrong.

"It's Kevin. I hope you don't mind me calling. I got your number from Javi."

She dropped her hand, her phone now to her side. She could not believing what was happening. Was it really happening or was it a dream? She chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes closed, trying to even her breathing.

Faintly she heard the voice over the phone calling out her name. Slowly she raised her hand, holding the phone to her ear. "Alexis! Are you still there?" She didn't know how to respond. She wasn't sure that she even wanted to say anything. "Um, I'm sorry for calling. Clearly this was a mistake. I'm sorry. I won't call back."

A jolt of energy hit her and suddenly she had found her voice. "No! Wait, I'm here." He didn't say anything, but she knew that was just because he was letting her process it all, but there would never be enough time for her to process why he was calling her. "You called." she said, letting her voice show her surprise.

"I did and you didn't answer."

"I was busy and couldn't get to the phone fast enough."

"Are you mad that I got your number?"

She shrugged, aware that he couldn't see her, but how was she supposed to answer that? "I guess that depends on why you're calling. Is it for a good reason or not?"

"I wouldn't call you out of nowhere unless I really needed to talk to you."

His answer didn't make Alexis feel any more comfortable or at ease with the situation. She chewed on her bottom lip, considering just hanging up. What would he have to say to her? Would any of it matter? He'd been so quiet and then for him to just to call her out of nowhere didn't sit right with her. All that being said, she couldn't actually bring herself to end the call. "Well, I'm here, so what's going on?"

She heard Kevin take a deep breath and she decided to follow suit. Her head was spinning trying to keep up with it all.

"Well, um, a lot of stuff has been going on lately and I guess it's all made me think about you, or more accurately, us."

"There's no us, Kevin. Not anymore."

"Yeah and that's why I'm calling. I've tried to hide from the truth so many times, because it was easier to just place blame and pull away. It was easier to move on if I felt like I had to, that I had no choice because I was the one who got the short end of the stick."

"Kevin—"

"I screwed up, Alexis. I was the one who ruined it all. I understand that now."

"Where is this even coming from?" It was one thing own up to his faults, but doing so at such a random time was baffling to Alexis. If anything, shouldn't she have been trying to apologize to him? Didn't he hate her?

"My life is really complicated right now and I wish I could go into detail, but I can't," he answered. "It's just really confusing right now. I'm so upset with myself, and I think that's mostly because of what I put you through—"

"What you put me through? Kevin, I was the one who cheated. Why are you saying it's your fault?"

"Because it was my fault. I pushed you away Alexis. I let Jenny back into my life. I let her control me, just like I used to do when I was with her. I lied to you about seeing her. I wasn't attentive enough to you. I drove you to do it and then when you actually did it, I tried to play the victim card."

"That's because—"

"No, I wasn't a victim, Alexis. You were. You were there trying to make our relationship last and I was off with a she-demon from my past, allowing her to take precedence over you and that never should have happened."

"No, it shouldn't have, but I shouldn't have cheated either, Kevin. I should have talked to you, made you listen to me. I never should have done that. I regret it more and more everyday and no matter how you try to twist it, I will never forgive myself for doing that to you."

"Well, I forgive you."

Alexis stopped, taking a moment to let that sink in. Was he really forgiving her. How was he able to do that? "Are you insane? Drunk, maybe?"

'No, I'm neither, but I do forgive you. I forgive you for all of it. I spent so much time being mad at you and I wish I could take every second of it back. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things differently."

Alexis played with belt of her robe. Kevin Ryan seemed like a changed man.

"Alexis, I just need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I let my past destroy what could have been our future. I'm sorry for it all."

She bit her lip, not really sure what she could say. "I wish I could have done things differently, too."

"I'm not mad you, you know? I never hated you, not really. I could never hate you."

"Really?"

"Yes. I swear it. I don't hate you."

Alexis left the breath she had been holding and felt her eyes begin to sting. "I'm sorry, Kevin. I really am."

"All is forgiven. I swear it."

Despite herself Alexis smiled. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel. She didn't know if she should have felt happy, confused, or even suspicious, but she didn't feel any of those things. More than anything she just felt relieved. Kevin had called her, owned up to his mistakes, tried to take the blame off of her and even forgave her for doing one of the worst things that she had ever done.

Kevin Ryan was still a mystery to her.

"I wish I could say the same, but there's still one thing I haven't forgiven you for, Kevin Ryan."

"What's that?"

"What in the hell were thinking when you decided to move to Boston and not tell me?"

* * *

Kevin was almost floating on cloud nine. He'd done it. He had called her and somehow he hadn't screwed it all up like Fenton guessed he would have. He and Alexis probably weren't going to be friends, but they were actually talking, talking about everything they hadn't been able to and damn, if it didn't feel good.

Kevin tried to restrain his smile as he listened to Alexis' teasing tone.

"I'm sorry about that. I really am, but I had to leave. It wasn't just the job, it was because of us. I felt so horrible that I thought getting as far away from you as possible would be for the best."

"Has it been?"

He thought of the year spent away from his friends and family, gaining the trust of some of the most evil men he'd ever had the displeasure of meeting. "Um... it's been a bit of a mixed bag."

"I know how that goes. So, really, how's Boston? Any neat cases?"

"It's amazing, but I like home better. I'm actually working on a pretty interesting case right now, but I can't go into detail about it or anything. What about you? Anything interesting? How's it working with Javi?"

"Javi is as patient with me as always. He's a great partner. Things have been crazy around the precinct, and I'm working a pretty interesting case myself."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

"Any details that you can share?"

"Nah, not really. All I can really say is that it has been taking up most of my time. It's been a wild and crazy challenge so far."

"Crazy how?"

"It's something new for me. Never thought I'd be going undercover."

"Undercover, really?" Kevin asked, smiling a bit to himself. He couldn't picture Alexis trying to be anyone else but herself. Fenton chose that moment to pipe up.

 _When she's with me, she's like a new person compared to how she was with you._

'Oh, shut up.'

"Yeah, it's really crazy," Alexis continued. "But I guess it's one of those things that I have to do at some point. You've done undercover work as well, right?"

Kevin froze up a bit. "Yeah, I have. I understand what you mean by it being crazy. It's dangerous, too. I hope you're being careful about it."

"I am. It's just taking up more time than I'm used to."

 _Taking up her time. How does she have the time to go to work, deal with this case, and come to the club?_

Realization dawned, and he gasped audibly. Holy shit.

"What's going on?"

"Uh, nothing." Kevin knew that his voice was giving away that not everything was okay. "I'm just glad that you're being safe."

"I always try to be."

'Her undercover work is the club,' he thought, his brain struggling to process this new information.

 _Well, that explains why she's been there. It really wasn't because of you, well, not really._

Kevin wasn't sure what to say. What could he say? Where did her extra-curricular activities with Fenton fit in? What case would she be working there and what were the odds that they would be working a case at the same place? His head was spinning with all the confusion.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah, I am. Just thinking."

"Well as strange as it sounds, I'm glad that you called. It was good to hear from you. I hope you're enjoying your new job and Boston."

Kevin nodded even though he knew she couldn't see him. "Yeah, I am enjoying it. I hope that you continue to be safe with your case."

"I will. I've got someone watching my back for me, so I feel safe."

"Javi?" he guessed, trying to act as if he was clueless about it all.

"No, just a friend."

 _Is that what I am to her, a friend?_

'Is that a bad thing?'

 _No, I just don't think I've been anyone's friend before._

'First time for everything.'

"Will you stay in contact?" Alexis asked. She sounded a bit nervous, like she wasn't sure if she should be asking him for anything. "Send me a text every once in awhile?"

"Yeah, I can do that. It was good talking to you, Alexis."

"Goodnight, Kevin."

"Goodnight."

As soon as Kevin hung up, he threw his phone on the bed. He was iffy about calling Alexis and now he was damn glad that he called her.

 _She's working a case._

'Yes and I really want to know what it is.'

 _Why?_

'So I can help her. The faster she gets her case closed, the faster she can get the hell out of the club.'

 _Or maybe she won't._

'Thanks for the optimistic words.'

 _Just sayin._

Kevin nodded, hoping to God that Fenton was wrong. He also was hoping that he could help Alexis. It had been one thing when he'd thought it was just a coincidence that had her frequenting the club in which he was undercover. The club in which the list of good men paled in comparison to the number of monsters lurking on every floor. When he'd thought that he was doing her the favor of helping her find what she was looking for—submission—and keeping her away from all the psychopaths that were out for her blood.

But this... this was completely different. This changed everything. Kevin didn't like this situation one bit, and since he'd gotten himself tangled up in it, tangled up in Alexis and his feelings for her, he needed to fix it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

Fenton paced in his office, mulling over Kevin's conversation with Alexis. Friday had come, and he knew she'd be arriving at the club soon. Before he saw her, needed to figure out how he was going to handle this new development.

She was working undercover at the club. She had to be. There simply wasn't enough time in the day for her to be elsewhere on an undercover job. It also explained why she'd been so dogged about staying at the club. Why she'd been hopping from Dom to Dom without playing. She wasn't there to play. She was looking for something.

Of course, she'd played with him. Several times, and she'd even suggested that they push their boundaries further. Was that part of her undercover job, too? Did she think she'd learn something by screwing around with him? If that was the case, he wasn't sure he wanted to keep playing with her. Much as he had grown to love every second of her writhing beneath his touch.

He knocked back the tumbler of Scotch. He rarely allowed himself to drink while working, and never allowed himself more than one drink. In his position it was dangerous to lose control of his senses. He was already dealing with shit from Moreno for all their failed deals.

Realization struck and he smacked the glass tumbler onto his desk so hard he was surprised it didn't break. Alexis. Was she responsible for the leak?

There was a brisk knock at the door before Alexis stepped in, dressed to the nines as usual in a silvery blue, skintight dress that hugged every curve and perfectly matched the collar sparkling around her vulnerable neck. He hadn't been prepared for that shock to his chest that seeing her wearing his collar had elicited.

She looked at him almost shyly, her eyes flicking to meet his and then down to the floor as she shut the door behind her. "Hi." A small, nervous smile tugged at her lips.

The vulnerability and submission in her face was his undoing. That frustration and anxiety still swirled in his stomach, but it was softened somewhat by a different sensation, something that made his heart flip flop and made him feel an overwhelming urge to kiss her. Kevin, for once, was in totally agreeance with Fenton's feelings. The detective kept flashing images through his head of kissing her, holding her close, petting her hair and telling her own gorgeous she looked. And if Fenton did any of those things, he wouldn't be able to determine if it was him or the detective on his shoulder saying those things.

Which was the most dangerous part. He never should have allowed Kevin to call her.

He forced something like a smile to his face. "Hey, pretty girl."

"Ready to get started?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Come sit with me for a minute."

He led her to the chaise lounge and, rather than offer her the spot next to him, he guided her to sit in his lap. Her arms automatically circled his neck, and he felt Kevin sigh at the familiar choreography of the moment. Fenton shook it off.

"We haven't really talked about your progress in a while. How are you liking the club so far? Being a sub? Have you found what you're looking for?"

He watched her expression change, her gaze shifting away from his face to down in her lap. "It's good."

He gripped her chin, perhaps more roughly than he'd needed to, and forced her to look at him. "Care to elaborate?"

Her eyes slid away from him again.

"Eyes on me, pretty girl."

They snapped back to meet his gaze.

"Is there anything you'd like to say to me?" he asked.

She swallowed then licked her lips. "I like being your sub."

"Why?" His grip became harsher.

Color spread across her cheekbones. "It makes me feel free. Strong. Beautiful. Better than I was before."

Her response took him aback. He'd told Kevin the same thing when they'd been arguing about calling her. This wasn't the response of someone who was lying, who was using him or faking her submission. Again, some of that frustration cooled. He let go of her chin, instead stroking his fingertips down the line of her jaw and then down the slope of her neck. "I'm glad to hear that."

She leaned into his touch, her posture relaxing. Fenton wondered if it was possible for her to be lying to him _and_ giving her genuine submission. Kevin reminded him that Alexis wasn't the only liar in the room.

"Anything else?" he asked.

"Huh?" A crease appeared between her eyebrows.

"Anything else you want to say to me, pretty girl? Anything on your mind?" He gently tugged on a stray curl. "Anything you've not been telling me?"

Her eyes widened for a fraction of a second before her mask fell back into place. She was caught. She knew it. And she knew he knew it, too.

"What do you think I'm hiding from you?" she asked.

He sat back, putting some space between them. "You tell me."

After a beat, she shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He gritted his teeth and took a breath. "When we first started these sessions, you told me you didn't trust me enough to tell me why you kept coming around. Do you trust me enough to tell me now?"

She frowned, then sighed. "You want to know the truth?"

"Obviously."

"Well, the truth is that I was looking for someone to help me get over my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one I told you about. That's why I came here."

"That's it?"

She nodded. "I wanted a Dom to help me get over him, but I was too nervous to pull the trigger on doing a scene. So… you really helped me. This arrangement, it's been great for me."

His eyes narrowed. She was lying to his face. He knew it. And it hurt more than he'd ever admit that after all the time they'd spent together, she'd still lie to his face instead of trusting him.

"Do you not believe me?" she asked, her expression hardening.

"No, I don't."

"I'm telling the truth—"

"Not the whole truth."

Her jaw tensed as she stared at him, matching his stubborn determination with her own.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." The words slipped through his lips before he'd thought twice about them, and he could have kicked himself. Had he really just told her he'd confess a secret? That was about the dumbest thing he could have—

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. She watched him warily, trying to read him. He attached that bored expression to his face, like he couldn't care less and wasn't second-guessing every decision he'd made since she'd shown up in the club.

If she still didn't trust him enough to tell him the truth after everything they'd done, and she didn't trust Kevin after they'd made up, then she definitely wouldn't trust him if he told her the truth. That these two men who affected her life in such different ways were actually the same person.

"So, is that all we needed to talk about?" she asked.

"You're awfully eager tonight."

"Should I not be?"

He didn't have a response to that. Christ, he was a mess of tells. And he honestly couldn't tell whether the tells were his or Kevin's. He needed to get himself under control. He needed to get that detective shoved to the back of his mind, where he belonged.

"Guess we'd better get started then," he said, guiding her off his lap. "Make sure you get what you came here for." He took her hand, leading her out of the office and into their playroom.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Just peachy." He shut the door behind him and turned to face her.

"You know, Fenton, if you don't want to do this…" she trailed off, then shrugged. "Well, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. I can find somebody else."

He bit back a snarl as he stepped closer to her, keeping intense eye contact. She stared back at him, a challenge in her gaze. Fucking minx.

"Is that what you want?" he asked. "You want a new dom?"

She shook her head. "I want you. But only if you want me, too."

"You think I don't want you?"

"You never answered my question, you know. About pushing our boundaries. And now you're looking at me like you're afraid to touch me."

Shit. She was seeing too much. He stepped back, resisting the urge to remove his glasses and rub his face in irritation. "Maybe I don't want to lose control again."

"I trust you."

He almost laughed out loud. She didn't trust him for shit. "Don't lie to me, Alexis."

She stepped close again, and he found himself stepping back to maintain some distance. His back hit the door. "I know you won't hurt me," she insisted.

"That's not the same thing as trust."

She stopped, blowing out a breath. Her cheeks were pink with frustration. "Enough talking in circles. Do you want to play or not, Fenton? That's why I'm here. That's our arrangement. Do you want me or not? Because if you don't, that's fine. I'll just go back downstairs and find some other—"

Fenton gripped her arms and spun them around, pushing her against the door with probably more force than was strictly necessary. He gripped her chin. "You are playing with fire, pretty girl."

Her pupils dilated as she met his gaze. "Then burn me."

Fuck.

Blood rushed to his cock so fast it made his head spin. She might be lying to him, using him for God knows what, but he would make damn sure that she knew who was in charge. Because liar or not, she still belonged to him. And he would make certain she never forgot it. She wanted to get burned? He'd fucking _brand_ her.

"Take off your clothes," he told her in a low voice, stepping back to watch.

She looked confused. He usually undressed her himself, and he could see that she wasn't prepared to strip for him.

"Now, pretty girl," he snapped.

She made quick work of the dress, slipping it over her head and depositing it on the floor at her feet and stepped out of her shoes. She was wearing another lingerie set that made his mouth water, all white satin and baby blue lace that looked fucking to die for against her creamy skin and matched her collar. He stepped closer, barely resisting the urge to worship her body with his mouth. He let his fingers tickle over the thick lace at the top of her stockings and up to the garter belt that hung snug around her hips. "This is new."

"Do you like it?" she asked, eyes wide and guileless, her voice just this side of needy.

"Mmm." He let his fingers skim up her sides and over her shoulders. He dropped a kiss against her milky skin, right where her neck met her shoulder. He dragged her bra straps down her arms so that the top of her breasts peeked out from the satin-lace creation. "I gave you an order, gorgeous," he whispered in her ear. "Clothes. Off."

She tensed. "All of them?"

He considered her lingerie choice. "Leave the garter belt and stockings."

"Fenton—"

"I'm not gonna wait all night." He stared back into her wide eyes, not giving an inch. She broke his gaze, confusion pinching at her expression, and with a deep breath, she slowly unsnapped the garter belt just long enough to slip her panties down her slim legs. She stepped out of them and reclasped the belt before reaching behind her back and unhooking her bra. It felt to the floor next to her panties, and Alexis stood in front of him, wearing nothing but her collar, stockings, and garter belt, looking self-conscious and vulnerable and somehow more delectable than she had before.

"Stand up straight," he said. "Shoulders back."

She complied, then hunched forward a bit as she realized that the posture pushed her breasts up and forward. She slouched back down, crossing her arms over her chest self-consciously.

"Stop." He yanked her arms down at her sides and pushed her shoulders back. Her pretty pink nipples brushed against his jacket. "Don't try to hide your body from me." His eyes skimmed up her form, admiring her smooth legs and the neatly trimmed red hair between them, the gentle slope of her hips, the swell of her breasts, the delicate collar wrapped around her vulnerable neck. His collar. His. That primal part of his brain threatened to take over. His eyes finally met hers and took in the hesitation and desire swirling in her blue depths. "You look good enough to eat, pretty girl."

Her eyes widened, her pupils dilating at his words, and he curled a finger into the ring at the front of her collar. "What's your safeword?"

"R-red," she breathed.

A feral grin split his face. He was going to have so much fun.

* * *

He was going to kill her.

Alexis whined as Fenton buried his face in her soft folds, his tongue first drawing circles around her clit, then delving deep between her walls and fucking her mercilessly. She thrashed her head back and forth, keening as a new wave of sensation crashed over her.

She was tied to the mattress by her wrists, and her customary blindfold was secured over her eyes as Fenton ravaged her with his mouth. He held her ass in his hands, his shoulders spreading her legs wide for his use. He groaned, the vibrations lighting up her pussy. "Missed this," she thought she heard him mumble, and then his lips closed around her clit, sucking, demanding her pleasure, and she screamed. Her thoughts scattered.

Tension was mounting in her base, intensifying with every lash of his tongue. "Fenton," she whined, "please—"

He pulled away from her pussy, his lips and chin shiny with her juices. She whined at the loss of sensation. "No, pretty girl. You don't get to come yet." Then he dove back between her legs, resuming the most delicious torture she'd ever experienced.

She tensed and relaxed, trying to hold back the wave that threatened to slam into her. Fenton slipped two fingers inside her pussy, the ample lubrication offering a slick slide, and her toes began to curl as his fingertips began a maddening rhythm against her g-spot.

"Fen—" she tried, a moan covering any words that tried to escape her mouth.

"No," he growled against her slick skin, then began lapping at her almost more aggressively.

Her heartbeat hummed in her ears, and she couldn't catch her breath. A warm sort of ecstasy began to unfurl in her core, and her legs tensed around his neck as her pussy began to contract. She couldn't stop it.

Just as her pleasure began to crest, as her needy moans transformed into a scream of ecstasy, Fenton pulled his face away from her folds. "I said no!" he snapped, his palm slapping against her pussy with an obscenely wet sound.

The rough touch scattered her orgasm, and Alexis whimpered as Fenton continued spanking her center. Soft enough that it didn't truly hurt, but hard enough that she couldn't come.

"We'll start again," he promised, resuming his position between her legs and pressing a kiss to her stinging clit. "Try to hold it back this time."

"I was—" Alexis began, but he wouldn't allow her to get a word in edgewise. Already his tongue was seeking out those wet, secret spaces that pushed her right to the brink. His fingers slid back inside her, and he added a third.

She'd never seen him like this, so contradictory. He was generous with her pleasure, yet withholding her release. His mouth ate her like he was a starving man, but he never once let up on his control. He was thoroughly dominating her, but setting her up to fail him in her own submission. She didn't know if she loved it or if it terrified her.

One wet fingertip, slick with her juices, slid out of her pussy and down that patch of skin until it was flush with her ass. He drew circles against her back entrance as he pulled her clit into his mouth again.

"F-Fenton—" she began.

With little preamble the very tip of his finger slipped inside her ass. Alexis flew off the handle. She thrashed her head, wailing. Her hips bucked, and he used the momentum to seat his finger completely inside her, one in her ass, two more in her pussy. His hand began rocking against her, fucking her with his fingers as an orgasm loomed over her.

"Wait," he said. He smacked her folds again with his free hand, and Alexis began to curse as her release abated.

"No, no," she cried, yanking on her restraints, fucking her own hips down onto his hand, desperate for someone to give her what she needed.

"Yes, pretty girl. You'll take what I give you," he informed her."You look to die for right now, you know that?" he nipped at the inside of her thigh. "Gives me all sorts of ideas."

She could only gasp and moan in response. Her whole body was trembling from the tension in her frame.

"You ever taken a cock down your throat?" he asked conversationally, as if he wasn't driving her to madness.

Alexis whined in response, then wailed when he licked a hot line over her swollen clit. "Answer me, gorgeous."

"Y-yes," she stammered. That had been one of Kevin's favorite kinks. It had been a long while, but he'd taught her how to take all of him.

"Good." His fingers slipped out of her, and his weight lifted off the edge of the bed. She felt incredibly empty and needy, her orgasm so close she could taste it. She rubbed her thighs together.

"None of that," she heard Fenton say. Her wrists were released from the restraints, and he pulled her onto all fours at the edge of the bed. Something wrapped around her thighs, and she felt a soft object being placed against her swollen folds. The toy buzzed to life and she gasped, the low vibrations maddening and sinful at the same time.

"How's that feel?"

"Feels good," she mumbled. The vibrations were more than low enough to keep her from coming, but they were still enough to make her head spin with the glut of sensation. To keep her wet and needy.

Her blindfold was still on, but she heard the zipper on his pants unfurl, and she felt the hot flesh of his cock against her cheek. "Impress me, pretty girl. Show me how much you want to come."

She paused for a moment, surprised once again by his behavior. That he had her in such a position and yet was giving her free reign to blow him. She didn't know what to make of it. So she braced herself with one arm and used the other to hold his cock in place for her mouth. The action curled her hips into the butterfly vibrator. She understood the position now, and she realized that she was not being given free reign at all. Every moment would drive her wild..

She placed a gentle kiss against the head of his cock, precum oozing against her lips. She licked them clean, not minding the salty, musky flavor one bit, and then dragged her tongue over the head with kitten licks. She thought she heard Fenton moan, so she gave lots of attention to his cockhead, licking the underside, and pulling it into her mouth. He swore when she did that, and she felt his fingers sink into her hair for a moment before he seemed to change his mind and let go.

Just like their last session, Fenton was big, thick and hot and heavy on her tongue. She could only imagine what she must look like to him, her lips stretched around him. She flicked her tongue against the slit in his shaft and was rewarded with more precum spilling into her mouth.

"You're driving me fucking insane, prin—" Fenton groaned, his words cut off into a long moan.

Alexis preened at the praise. Kevin had liked this particular brand of foreplay, too. Saliva and slick was pooling in her mouth, and she took the opportunity to take more of him into her mouth, almost to the back of her throat, to get him nice and wet. He gasped and cursed, and he fisted the hair at the back of her head, but didn't pull her further onto his cock.

She began rocking herself back and forth, so his cock slid almost all the way out of her mouth before being slurped back down, almost to the back of her throat. The rocking worked the vibrator deeper into her steaming, slippery folds. The torture actually proved to be a nice distraction from the ache in her jaw and the tension in her arm, shoulder, and abdominal muscles from holding her up. It had been too long since she'd serviced a man like this, since before her and Kevin's relationship had started to deteriorate.

Alexis allowed his cock to hit the back of her throat, breathing as evenly as she could to ward off her gag reflex. It hit the back of her throat again, once, twice, and she swallowed on the third thrust, allowing just the tip of him to sink into her throat.

She heard a litany of curses above her, and his hips jerked just the tiniest amount, sinking himself further in her throat. Alexis gagged at that, and pushed herself back, viscous saliva coated his dick when she pulled off of him. "Sorry," her voice was rough. "It's been a while. I'm not used to—"

He petted her head. "It's alright. Take a breath. And then take me again."

Alexis wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful or frustrated that he didn't intend to let her go till she'd finished him off. It felt impossible, and she knew from her own hand on the base of his cock that there were inches that hadn't even made it to her mouth yet. She steeled herself for more, ignoring the ache in her jaw and muscles.

This time, when those slippery inches lay heavy on her tongue, she felt him playing with her nipples, running his fingers over the aching buds. She moaned around his dick and whined when his hand slipped away.

"Take some more, pretty girl, and then I'll touch you more."

She worked him to the back of her throat again and slurped him down, desperate for more sensation. He leaned forward the slightest bit, easing more of himself down her throat as she frantically swallowed around him, trying to welcome him in and ignore the burning stretch of her throat. Her reward came when he lifted the straps securing the vibrator between her legs, pulling it tightly upward so that the vibrator pressed harder against her clit.

Her cry was cut off by his thick cock stuffing her throat.

"Almost there," he groaned. "Take it." He tugged on the straps lightly and she lifted her head, her toes curling, and slurped him down till her nose was pressed against his groin.

"Christ," he groaned, "Prin—pretty girl."

She was thoroughly conquered, her throat stuffed, her mouth full, unable to breathe or speak, tears had soaked her blindfold while she'd worked him down her throat. Her nipples were tight buds, her clit was throbbing, pulsing in time with her rapidly beating heart. Her jaw ached, and her body trembled from both tension and exhaustion. And despite all that, all she could think about was the release she hadn't yet experienced.

"Good girl," he praised. He took her free hand, the one that wasn't holding up her body weight, and pressed it against his thigh. The material of his slacks felt pillow soft against her fingertips. "Tap twice if you need a break. Three times and we'll stop completely."

Fenton pulled her off his cock just far enough for his cockhead to rest on her tongue while she caught her breath. Then his fingers sank back into her hair. "I'm gonna fuck you now, pretty girl."

Using his leverage on her hair, he slid to the back of her throat again, working that same depth several times before sinking into her throat again, much faster this time for Alexis' early work. Soon, she'd taken all of him once again and he slid in and out of her throat in short, controlled thrusts.

"So wet and tight," she heard him grit out. "Just like that pretty pink pussy of yours, huh?"

Alexis' eyes almost rolled back in her head at the dirty talk. Fenton continued his litany of curses as he sawed in and out of her throat, his cock hardening with every thrust. She just managed to keep swallowing around him as his movements and words added to the lines of sensation humming from her clit.

Her lungs began to burn from a lack of oxygen, and she felt him begin to thicken even further in her throat. He was close. Without warning her blindfold was lifted, and his fingers hooked under her jaw to lift her gaze to his. His brown eyes were heavy with pleasure, but he continued to stare, continued to watch her face as inches of himself disappeared inside her throat. Then his hand fisted her hair to hold her in place as he continued to plunder her.

Alexis' eyes fluttered shut. The way he watched her was intense, and she could only maintain eye contact for so long. She could only imagine what she looked like. Her mouth stretched around him, collared as she was, with the butterfly strapped between her legs.

He reached below her chin and lightly squeezed her neck, "Look at me," he groaned, on the verge of losing himself.

Her heavy eyelids lifted, and she looked up into his face, the lack of oxygen making the world around him take on a hazy quality. He watched her with something like reverence—awe, adoration, perhaps even love. She recognized that look.

He stroked her cheek. "My pretty girl." Then his eyes shut and she felt his cock jerk inside her throat. He came down her throat in hot streams, the taste of him lingering on her tongue as he pulled out of her mouth. She wiped her mouth, gasping, and oxygen rushed into her lungs. Bliss settled over her, and she was only vaguely aware of Fenton gripping her collar and pulling her up.

His mouth crashed into hers, nipping at her lips, dipping his tongue inside her mouth when she opened for him. She could taste herself on his tongue, and she wondered if he was experiencing the same thing.

She buried her fingers in his hair, tugging lightly as they devoured each other, and they fell backward onto the mattress. Fenton wasted no time yanking the butterfly vibrator off her body and slipping three fingers into her warm depths. His digits curled against her g-spot, working it mercilessly as palm ground against her engorged clit.

Alexis shuddered against his mouth. She'd been held on the edge for far too long. "Please," she cried. "Please…"

"Please, what?" He worked his hand faster, and she felt like a dam was about to burst inside her.

"May I come?" She bucked her hips against his hand, the hairs rising on the back of the neck and pleasure began to curl her toes. "Please!"

His teeth nipped at her earlobe. "Come for me, Princess." Then his palm pressed against her clit and she shattered.

Alexis was dimly aware of her own scream, clutching him as close to her a possible. She felt a rush of liquid between her legs, heard his groan of delight, but she was too far gone to feel embarrassed. Her hips bucked and his fingers plundered her through each wave and aftershock.

The world had turned to starlight and there was nothing left but pure sensation.

* * *

For the longest time, she floated, cocooned in warmth and bliss and safety. And when Alexis finally came to, she found herself not in the playroom, but in Fenton's office, stretched out across the chaise lounge with a soft, warm blanket draped over her still-bare skin.

She blinked sleepily, surprised to find herself in another room and more surprised to find herself alone. Where had Fenton gone? She sat up, wincing at the collection of aches in her body, between her legs. Her throat was sore and felt like sandpaper. There was a water bottle on the table next to the chaise lounge along with a note.

 _Be back soon. —F_

Alexis greedily chugged down the water, glad that Fenton had anticipated this particular need of hers. She hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time, and she vaguely remembered Fenton's body cocooning hers as she floated in that peaceful place in between. She remembered all the affectionate places he'd pressed kisses against her skin, the sweet nothings he'd murmured to her, the drunken tone in his voice, like he was just as glutted by pleasure as she had been. Even though he hadn't been there when she'd woken up, he'd still taken care of her, he'd given her a comfortable, safe place to rest after their mind-blowing session.

She lay back down, letting her mind replay every moment of their night, every tendril of pleasure, every moan and scream. She loved recalling the satisfied look on his face and the gorgeous sounds he made as she brought him to completion. She hadn't been lying when she'd told him that he made her feel strong and beautiful.

Heat crept over her cheeks when she recalled what he'd told her just before he'd come. The gentle way he'd looked at her, stroked her face. _My pretty girl_. Something giddy and delicious bubbled up in her chest the more she thought about it, that intimate and tender moment between them.

And then he'd more than evened the score. After keeping her on edge all night, he'd finally rewarded her patience. God, she'd never come so hard in her entire life….

Alexis sat upright, her heart kicking up into a sprint.

 _Come for me, Princess._


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

Alexis didn't know what to think. Every ounce of postcoital bliss had evaporated the moment she'd truly been cognizant of what Fenton had called her in their last session. She'd thrown her clothes on and hurried out of the club before Fenton returned, so shaken by the possibilities, the what ifs, that she hadn't relaxed, hadn't stopped shaking, till she was safely back in her apartment.

Then the rationalizing started. And while almost twenty-four hours passed, while Fenton called and texted, asking if she was okay, Alexis tried to make sense of things.

She had been having one of the most explosive orgasms that have ever had in her entire life, so of course she hadn't heard it right. Or maybe she had, and it was all because her brain had put that particular word in her head at the moment? If someone thought about something, even if it was in the back of their mind, their brains could play tricks on them. It wasn't uncommon.

But what if it wasn't just her brain? What if she had actually heard it? How could that make any sense though? Sure, Fenton had pet names that he would call her during their sessions, but for him to choose that one specifically, seemed a little too unbelievable in Alexis' mind.

Of course, she could be wrong and it was just Fenton calling out any name her could think in that heated moment, but that didn't explain why his voice had changed. It was like for one moment, a couple of seconds, to be exact, Fenton's accent was gone and it was replaced with a new voice. One that, even though Alexis didn't understand, made her think of the person who had first called her Princess.

Kevin Ryan.

Alexis didn't want to be brash, because it would do her any good in the long haul. As her mind raced, she forced it slow down, making each little piece of information pop into her head for her to properly examine.

Kevin was the only person to ever call her Princess.

Kevin had moved out of the city and decided to try his luck in Boston. That didn't warrant any reaction at first, but the more she thought about it, the more something seemed to click.

Fenton O'Connell was too good to be true. Every single dom that Alexis had met turned out to either be a complete asshole who thought that they could make her theirs whether she agreed to it or not, or they simply gave her a glance over and turned their backs, unwilling to give her their time. At least they had kept their hands to themselves.

Fenton had showed up at the right time to save her from the asshole doms, and did so for no reason at all. None of the other doms seemed to care about what wasn't theirs, so why did Fenton care? Why would want her to be his sub when she was so new to the lifestyle and had little to no experience, unlike every other sub he was sure to have met at the club?

Why was she special? What had he seen in her?

Fenton O'Connell sometimes would act harsh one moment and like a new man, who cared for her in the next. Was that part of being a dom, to keep her on her feet, or what that just him keeping a secret?

Every variable and possible explanation paled in comparison to truth she'd never allowed herself to face. The truth that, even now, when she would have loved to come up with any other reason for Fenton to call her _that name_ in _that voice,_ she wished she could ignore. Fenton O'Connell had never been real with her. Maybe had never been real at all. She had subbed for a man who had been lying to her from day one and that man was Kevin Ryan.

As she walked back into the club, Alexis wasn't sure what she was going to say or how she was going to say it, and she wasn't sure how he would react to her just bursting through his door when they didn't have a session scheduled, but that didn't matter to her.

She needed to see him, look him in the eyes and actually _see_ him. Now that she had all these thoughts running through her head, seeing him would only cement her suspicion. Or it would absolve Fenton of all the ugly accusations running through her mind.

Part of her wanted to be wrong, wanted it to just be her imagination running wild. The alternative would just be too much to handle. Not only would that mean that Kevin had been lying to her from day one, but it would also mean that Kevin had taken advantage of her emotionally and sexually, pretending to be another man.

Just thinking about it was making her sick to her stomach. The fact that Kevin had been touching her, kissing her, pulling pleasure from her body, made her pray that her suspicions were dead wrong. She'd never be so happy to be wrong.

She rapped on the door, and moments later it opened and she was met with the man that she had been spending countless hours with, and the truth hit her like a punch to the stomach.

He wasn't Fenton O'Connell. _There was no Fenton O'Connell._

Those honey-brown eyes gazed at her confusion, then relief spread across his face. "You're a sight for sore eyes, gorgeous. You know I've been calling," his voice was that same sensuous lilt: elegant, round vowels mixing with a harsh New York accent. That exotic voice that never failed to draw her in like a moth to a flame.

She let her eyes drag over him, her mind running a mental tally and hitting the same conclusion time and time again.

 _Kevin with colored contacts and fake glasses._

 _Kevin with facial hair._

 _Kevin with an accent._

She was looking a Kevin Ryan. It had been Kevin the whole time. Had she really been that blind? Or did she just not want to see it?

It was like fire was pumping through her veins, and she was going to explode at any moment. She stared at him, almost in a trance. She was so livid, even more than she had been when she thought he was cheating on her with Jenny. This was a new level of disgust. And she had been too stupid to not figure it out sooner.

"Alexis?"

She didn't know how long she had been standing there, just staring at him, but apparently it had been long enough because now he pulled her by her elbow into his office, closing the door behind them.

"What's going on?" he asked, his hand still holding on tightly to her elbow. Suddenly that realization dawned on her and she forced her arms back from him.

"Don't ever touch me again!" she screamed, not caring how loud she was being or who might overhear her.

"Wow." He held his hands up. "What's going on?"

"It's over. I know everything now. I know about all your lies."

"Lies? I don't—"

"Drop the act, Kevin! I know that it's you!"

She watched as his eyes widened and his lips pressed together. In that fraction of a second before the mask came back down, she could see that she had caught him.

"Alexis, what are you talking about?"

"How could you do this to me? How could you use me like this?"

He shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about, I really don't."

"I don't believe you."

"You don't have to believe me, but it's true. How could I be your ex and you not know it from the very beginning?" he tried. "I think you're stressing yourself out when you don't need to. Maybe you should go home, get some sleep."

"I don't need to sleep. I need the truth, Kevin."

"It's Fenton, not Kevin. It's important that you don't encourage this false idea that you have in your head. It's not healthy."

Alexis' vision went red, and before she knew it the office echoed with the sound of her hand slapping his face.

His hand went to his reddening cheek. "Jesus Christ—"

"I thought _I_ was the bad guy. I thought I was the one who needed your forgiveness, but you were just playing me this whole time!" Alexis started to choke on her words, her emotions getting the best of her. "I can't believe you. I can't believe that you would do something like this!"

His teeth gritted together, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, and she could tell he was moment away from breaking. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You took advantage of me!"

"I took advantage of you? Really?" His accent was gone. "You're the one who was practically throwing yourself at me—"

"I didn't know it was you, you piece of shit!" She didn't back down from his anger; the fury in his expression was oddly satisfying.

"You don't know a damn thing!" With a snarl, Kevin pulled off his glasses and tossed them across the office. "I lied to you the moment you stepped into this club, I did. I won't deny it, hell I can't anymore," he took some deep breaths before he spoke again. His chest wasn't rising nearly as quickly as it was before, but Alexis could still tell how angry he was because his hands were shaking at his sides. "I told you that I was Fenton O'Connell because I had to."

She scoffed. "Had to?"

"Yes, I had to. You aren't the only one working a case here," he said, his voice low as he closed his eyes. "I had to lie, but I didn't expect you to waltz in here, showing every inch of your body to anyone who wanted to look. Quite a few doms wanted you and I seem to remember intervening, keeping them away from you."

Alexis didn't know what to believe anymore. She didn't know whether to buy his excuse of working at the club for a case, because for one, he seemed to be too damn good of a dom to just be making it up off the top of his head. She shook her head. "Cause you're a hero? Please, the only reason you stopped them was because you wanted me all to yourself. Nothing like screwing over the girl who screwed you, huh?"

Kevin shook his head. "That is not why I did it. I never did _anything_ to hurt you, I never did _anything_ you weren't onboard for." Kevin took a step forward and pointed at her. "I understand your anger, I do, but don't you dare call me something that I'm not."

Alexis pushed his finger away from her face. "You see yourself as a protector, don't you? All I see you as is a disgusting excuse for a man."

His shoulders slumped, and she saw his jaw tense. A trait that both Fenton and Kevin shared. God, watching him was a mind-fuck of epic proportions. One moment, she saw Fenton in front of her, evident in the pressed lines of his suit, the dark honey of his eyes and the pout of his lips. In the next moment, it was just Kevin. Kevin looking at her with wrong-colored eyes and a mournful expression.

He tried again. "All I've ever wanted was to keep you safe and do my job here. I thought you were looking for a dom to play with. I thought if I could keep you occupied—"

"Is that what you're calling it now? Talk about a major revision." She spat. "If I had known it was you, I never—You could have just told me. You knew who I was the moment I walked in the door!"

"This is a classified assignment. I've been working for months to get where I am, and with our history and the fact that you've been acting batshit crazy every time you walk into this club—"

"Excuse me?" Alexis hadn't thought it was possible for her to be any more furious, but Kevin was quickly proving her wrong.

"Do you have any kind of idea what kind of attention you've drawn here? Jumping from man to man and asking all the wrong questions?" His voice lowered. "You put a target on your own back with this afterhours police work you've been doing, and Seth and Dominic aren't the only guys here who want to take a shot."

"I'm trying to track down a murderer! It's my job!"

He crowded her against the wall, covering her mouth with his hand. His voice was whisper-quiet, but no less harsh.

"Will you quiet down? It'll be really fucking hard for you to do your job when one of these assholes decides to put a bullet in you!"

She shoved him away with a snarl. "I can handle myself."

"This isn't about you being a badass or not, Alexis. This is about you taking your safety seriously."

She shook her head. She couldn't believe he was lecturing her after what she'd found out about him. "So how do you go from protecting me from these guys to shoving your cock down my throat, Kevin? Is that for my benefit, too?"

His nostrils flared, and his fingers curled into fists. "I didn't force you to do anything. You consented to playing. You had a safe word. You chose to participate at every point along the way."

"Except I had no idea who you really were!"

"No, you didn't know I was an undercover cop. But a criminal, a drug dealer, you're fine to play with a guy like that?" Tension was coiling in his frame. He was ready to explode, and she was ready to watch it.

"Between you and a drug dealer? Yeah, I'd take the dealer every time."

She watched his shoulders rise and fall with the effort of containing his anger. "You don't know the first fucking thing about my life."

"I know enough." She turned to the doorway, and jumped when his fingers wrapped around her arm, spinning her back toward him. "Don't you dare—" She gasped when he pressed her frame against the wall, one hand still on her arm, the other firmly gripping her jaw.

"We're not done here," he insisted. "Let me explain—"

Her knee made contact with his groin, and she aimed a right hook at his face when he freed her. He slumped to the floor with a cry. Her knuckles throbbed from the impact, but it was more than worth it.

"I'm done. Stay the hell away from me." She yanked open the door and rushed out of the club, all too aware of the looks she got from the other patrons on her way out.

* * *

"Hey, Espo," Alexis asked. "Have you heard from Kevin lately?"

They were in the car, on their way to questioning a person of interest in their latest case, a businessman named Andres Moreno. He owned several hole-in-the-wall restaurants in the city, and one of his former employees, Hector Johnson, had ended up dead in a dumpster. According to Hector's brother, Moreno had recently fired him.

Alexis doubted Moreno had anything to do with their vic's grisly demise, but hopefully he'd be able to provide some insight.

Javi's eyes widened at the sudden question. "Um, no. Not for a few months."

"Did he call you when you last spoke?"

Javier shook his head. "I called him. Hadn't heard from him since he'd moved to Boston, and I wanted to make sure he was doing okay." Esposito huffed out a breath. "Wasn't sure he'd answer honestly. I'd been trying to get a hold of him for weeks before he finally picked up."

Alexis frowned. "What changed?"

"He said he'd just gotten busy with work and he'd been meeting new people, but sometimes I think it had more to do with me threatening to come down there myself if he didn't pick up the phone." Javier sighed.

Alexis was silent as she mulled over Javier's words. She wondered if she should tell Javier the truth about Kevin's so-called move. It had to hurt that his friend wasn't speaking to him. They'd been thick as thieves for years, yet it seemed like Kevin hadn't even told him that he was going undercover. She wish she'd known the truth.

"What's this about?" Javier asked.

"Just wondering how he's doing," Alexis said.

"You miss him?"

She bit her lip. She didn't know what she felt about Kevin anymore. He'd been calling her daily, and had even shown up to her apartment a couple times. God, she wished she'd never allowed Fenton to come to her place. Heat sank through her cheeks as she recalled the way she'd cried about her loss, the things she'd confided to Fenton about Kevin. Had he had a good laugh about it later? About his ex in tears over him, over what she'd done to him, and unknowingly confessing it to him of all people?

Days after she'd learned about Kevin's betrayal, her anger was cooling and twisting to hurt and shame. It wasn't even necessarily about the sex anymore. She'd trusted him. She'd been vulnerable and emotional with him. And, for what? So he could get her back for hurting him one last time?

"You okay?" Espo asked.

She shook her head. "Sometimes I do miss him. But mostly I miss what we had."

"You'll find it again."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You're a catch. And as soon as you let yourself believe that, you'll have a line of guys out the door."

Alexis smiled softly. "You're a real sweet-talker, Espo."

He snorted. "Tell Lanie that, will you?"

They pulled up to the apartment building that housed their person of interest. "You ready?" Javier asked.

Alexis nodded. "Let's do this."

* * *

As Alexis turned down the hallway to her apartment, she tensed and a scowl twisted her face. She'd actually had a good day at work. Their new case had proved to be an excellent distraction from the calls and texts that had been lighting up her phone for the last four days. Until she'd gotten back to her apartment and found Kevin Ryan, donning his full Fenton O'Connell getup at her front door. The thick black glasses almost hid the bruising around his eye. Alexis found that she didn't feel an ounce of guilt for punching him.

His eyes landed on her, and he pushed off from the wall next to her apartment door, licking his lips. "Hey."

Kevin had a serious job to do. An undercover operation he'd clearly sunk months of work into pulling off. And Alexis had no interest in messing up his assignment. She wouldn't out him to the dirtbags that he was trying to take down. But there were codes of conduct for situations like Kevin's, and Alexis wondered what the people up the chain of command would think of his conduct while on the assignment.

Alexis ignored him, digging in her purse for her keys. As she slid her keys into the lock, he stepped closer, and she got a whiff of his cologne. Her heart skipped up into a new rhythm, and she was reminded of all the recent memories she had of being so close to him that she could smell his cologne. It brought a fresh wave of fury and shame, and she shoved her front door open a little harder than necessary.

"Hey," he repeated. "I'm sorry to barge in on you—"

She spun around to face him, taking in all the visual cues that made up his persona. He was even using Fenton's voice. "So this is all it takes for you to pass as a criminal? Colored contacts, glasses, and fake accent?" She wasn't sure why she was rambling. Wasn't sure what the question was in her babble. Except that now that the two men who'd previously inhabited different parts of her lives were in front of her, just one person, she didn't know what to think. Where to begin. "Is there any part of you that's real?"

"Alexi—"

She slammed the door in his face, glad that he hadn't tried to stop her. She wasn't sure she'd be able to restrain herself from hurting him again. She wasn't sure she even wanted to restrain herself.

He kept knocking at the door. "Alexis, please. Just let me talk to you." Seconds slogged into full minutes of him knocking at her door, begging her to hear him out. She changed out of her work clothes and into some loose-fitting gym clothes, put her headphones on, and began warming up with the punching bag in her bedroom. The music channeling through her headphones did a great job drowning out the man in the hallway.

An hour later, out of breath, with sweat dripping down her face and a satisfying ache in her muscles, Kevin was gone. He'd stuck a slip of paper into the seam of her front door.

 _When you're ready to talk, you know where to find me._

An address was scribbled below the note, and a crease appeared between her eyebrows. It wasn't the address of the club. Maybe this was where he was living now? She shook her head and crumpled up the note, but stopped before she could toss it in the garbage. Instead, she flattened it out and stared at it for another string of seconds. Then she went into her bedroom and found the box that had held her collar since their last scene. Just looking at the pretty, delicate necklace made her stomach churn. She scribbled the address on the box, wrote a quick response to his missive, and then tucked the note inside the box, just underneath the shining metal. The package would be returned to its sender first thing tomorrow, and there could be no mistaking her response.

 _Leave me alone, or I'm going to Beckett._

* * *

Alexis stepped toward the entrance to the club. Music was pulsing, and the line out the door showed that the Saturday night crowd was in full swing. It had been eleven days since the truth had come out, since she'd punched Kevin in the face and stormed out of his office. She'd hated the idea of coming here, of risking running into him, but she still had a case to solve, and more than ever she was certain she'd find the person who had killed that girl.

She waited in line with the rest of the clubgoers, dressed in her street clothes, the bag with her sub outfit held tight at her side. Her eyes kept glancing to the door, to the surveillance camera watching her. She wondered if Kevin knew she was here.

She got her answer when the security guard held up a hand as she tried to enter the club.

"You're not going in there," he asserted, gesturing for her to leave the line.

"Excuse me? I have the same right as anyone else to go in there."

He shook his head. "Not according to the man upstairs, you don't."

"What are you talking about? You don't even know me."

"Do I gotta spell it out for you?" he sneered. "You've been blacklisted. I got a picture of you last week with orders not to let you in. Now get out of here. Find somewhere else to go play, sweetheart."

Alexis thought about digging her feet in and pleading her case, but between the glare in the security guard's eyes, the complaints of the people in line behind her, and the cold surety that Kevin was the one who had done this, she knew better than to stay in the line. She walked away a few steps, then glanced back up at the security camera and flipped it the finger. Then she left, but not in the direction of her apartment. She had a different location in mind.

It turned out that Kevin was right; she was ready to talk and she did know where to find him.

* * *

It was nearing two a.m. by the time Kevin stumbled wearily up the stairs to Fenton's apartment. The night had been shitty and exhausting, the same way his nights at the club had always been before Alexis had started coming around.

As much as he felt like the bad guy for how things had fallen apart between them, and he had no delusion of _not_ being the bad guy, he couldn't keep himself from looking for Alexis, even though he knew very well that she wasn't coming into the club anymore. He'd personally made sure of that. Still, his eyes caught on every redhead that walked into the club, and every time the realization, the disappointment, the self-loathing and aching worry was like a knife to his chest.

Kevin shook his head. It was for the best, for all sorts of reasons. He close to pulling the trigger on the whole operation. Close to securing the linchpin and nailing every filthy dealer and criminal involved in the club. Just a little longer. Then he'd be free, and he could be Kevin Ryan again.

He didn't know if he was excited or dreading going back to his life after over a year away. He wasn't even sure what his life would look like anymore.

Maybe once he was a real person again, he'd be able to talk to Alexis. Maybe he'd be able to get her to understand, to forgive him. Maybe. Or maybe she'd make good on her threat and turn him in to Beckett, after all. Maybe there was no going back for them. Maybe he'd been an idiot to ever think it was possible.

Kevin stopped in front of his door, digging his keys out of his pocket. As he pressed the metal into the lock, the door inched forward a little. Horror struck him then. His door wasn't locked; it wasn't even properly closed. Had someone broken in? His heart began pounding in his chest as he considered all the damning evidence, both legal and otherwise stashed in his apartment.

He stepped into his apartment, listening to the gentle clink of glass on glass. Someone was inside his apartment. He reached for the gun at his lower back, quietly slipping it from its holster and holding it out in front of him as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.

Alexis Castle was seated at the kitchen table, a tumbler and a bottle of Scotch in front of her. She didn't seem bothered by the gun pointing at her, and a smirk twisted her lips as she stared back at him. "Hi, honey. Welcome home."

With a ragged sigh and a new tension coiling between his shoulder blades, he flicked the safety back on and holstered his weapon as he approached the kitchen table. "Breaking and entering is a criminal offense, isn't it?"

She didn't even bat an eyelash. "You're not calling the cops. Wouldn't want to hurt your assignment, right?"

His eyes narrowed, and he tilted his head to the side as he watched her. "I believe endangering an ongoing investigation is also frowned upon."

"You blacklisted me."

"So?" he shrugged, and took a tumbler out of the cupboard then slid into the seat across from Alexis. He poured a finger of scotch into the glass; exhaustion was already pounding behind his eyelids.

"You're endangering _my_ investigation," she insisted.

He swirled the amber liquid around the glass. "Does Javi know what you've been doing?" The silence that answered back was enough. He took a sip from his glass. "I'm inclined to remind you how dangerous it is what you're doing, but I have a feeling you already know."

"I can handle myself."

"Yeah, you did a great job of it when Seth and Dom were beating the hell out of you."

She shook her head, heat starting to rise in her cheeks. "It's easier to let them believe I'm vulnerable."

"You are vulnerable."

"I want back into the club. When my case is closed, you won't see me again."

"Absolutely not."

Alexis opened her mouth to argue, but Kevin cut her off. "And before you threaten to go to Beckett if I don't give you what you want, don't even bother. You want to go Beckett, you want to go to my boss, or IA, then do it. While you're telling them what I've done, you'll have to explain the part about exchanging favors with a suspect. That'll look really good in your case, huh?" He downed the rest of his drink. "Do whatever the hell you think you need to do, but you're not stepping foot in that club again."

"I'm not going to interfere with your assignment, Kevin. I have my own reasons for being there."

He snorted. "You think this is about my assignment? If all I cared about was my assignment, I would have left you to keep pissing off those idiots in the club until you were the one with a tag on your toe. Believe it or not, I actually care what happens to you."

"I'm going with not." She poured another finger of scotch into her glass.

"Why is it so impossible for you to believe that I don't want to see you get hurt?"

She didn't answer, at first. She simply stared into the depths of the glass like it had answers. Then she swallowed the full finger of scotch in one gulp, then wiped her lips and looked up at him. "Because I know you want to punish me for cheating on you."

Kevin reeled back in his chair like she'd hit him. Jesus. He shook his head. "No—"

"That's why you didn't tell me who you were. That's why you let me sub for you and let me think…" she paused. "Think that I had found someone who cared about me. And that's why you're keeping me out of the club now."

"Jesus Christ, Alexis." He huffed out a breath, anger morphing into self-loathing so strong he wanted to drown himself in it. "You really think that little of me? You think I would do…. You think all of that, all that time we spent together, every scene… you think I was setting you up for this?"

"You hate me. You've hated me for a long time now. It makes the most sense." Her words were flat, with no emotion behind them, like she'd completely divorced herself from any hint of feeling.

"No." He shook his head again, feeling his headache throb with every toss. "No. Never. You're wrong."

For the first time, she looked confused. "I'm wrong? About which part?"

"All of it!" His voice filled the space around them. "I don't hate you. And I didn't lie to you as part of some awful scheme to punish you or trick you. At first, I didn't tell you the truth because I wanted to keep you separate from my assignment, yes. And when we first started, I told myself I could do both. That I could keep you safe, give you whatever you were looking for, and keep my cover intact. That was wrong. I should have told you from the first moment I saw you in the club."

"And then what happened?" Alexis asked. "You said 'at first.' What happened after that?"

Kevin sighed. "I…" He stopped. How could he explain himself? How could he ever justify the lies he'd told her? He couldn't. He blew out a breath. "After the first couple sessions, I kept lying to you because I knew that if you knew the truth you'd hate me. And I… I loved our sessions, Alexis."

She shook her head, her eyes shining, her face flushed with anger. "You loved having someone to screw around with? Couldn't you have gotten that from someone else?"

"No. I couldn't. Because there's only one Alexis Castle." He licked his lips. "You are the only person I want."

She closed her eyes, just breathing for a moment, mulling over the words that had settled between them. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Does it look like I'm laughing?"

"I don't understand. Why... " She forced her eyes open. "You hated me. You couldn't even look at me after—" She pressed her lips together, shaking her head. "And now, what? You wanna be fuck buddies or something? You think you can lie to me, say a few nice words, and everything will be just fine?"

Kevin took a chance and walked around the table so he stood next to her. He let his fingertips graze over the back of her hand. "I've broken your trust. And you've been keeping secrets of you own. I don't have any illusions about this thing between us." He let his fingers thread through her own, and she didn't push him away. "But I do care about you. More than you know. And I'm not going to let you put yourself in harm's way again."

"You don't get to tell me how to live my life, Kevin. It's not your call." She pulled her hand away from his, and he held on tight, not allowing her to retreat.

"But I do get to decide whether or not you're granted access to the club," he reminded her. "That is my call. And you can argue with me until you're blue in the face, but I'm not changing my mind."

"Fine." She stood, trying to yank her hand out of his, but he held on tight.

"Why do I have a feeling that you'll try to find some way around me?"

"What I do isn't your concern, Kevin. Not anymore."

"What if I want it to be?" he asked.

Her shoulders hunched forward, and she let her hair fall in front of her face. "Don't."

With a deep breath for courage, he reached for her face, gently tucking her hair behind her earlobe. Then his fingers hooked under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his. He waited for her to lash out. To back away. To push him out of her personal space. She didn't. She just closed her eyes again, her posture stiff, her expression pained, like each of his words had dealt a blow. He leaned in and brushed his lips over her cheekbone.

"I'm so sorry I lied to you." He didn't try to justify it. He didn't try to explain away his decision. He release her hand, stepped back, and let his apology fill the space between them.

When she opened her eyes again, her expression was one of confusion. She blinked, staring at him for a moment like she'd never seen him before. Then she squared her shoulders and walked past him, heading for the door.

"Alexis," he said softly, not sure what he was hoping for or asking for. He just couldn't stand for things to end like this.

She stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and turned to face him. When she finally spoke, her voice was hesitant and a little sad. "I loved our sessions, too." Then she faced forward and left his apartment, shutting the door behind her with a slam.

* * *

Author's Note: Posting early since I'll be traveling this weekend. Oh, happy day! Please review.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Once upon a time, Alexis had been able to tell herself that if she was compromising herself, at least she was doing it for work, for the sense of closure that would come with solving the case. Sometimes she still believed that story. Other times she was certain she'd been lying to herself all along.

But whether or not that story had been true before, she was compromised now.

She stood in the locker room of a club, a new club called Dusk, mentally preparing herself for the next step, which she both wanted and was terrified of. Somewhere in this club, there would be a dominant male, and Alexis hoped he would erase the memory of the last man she'd been with.

She tightened her corset, smoothed her hair, and left the locker room. This club was considerably nicer than where Kevin worked. The lighting was both brighter and softer, and couples and playmates filled the space, dancing or chatting or playing in one of the public spaces. Alexis saw a couple nearest her. The man had the woman restrained with her ass in the air, alternately spanking her or going down on her with his tongue. Her wails of pleasure echoed through the space.

Alexis felt heat rise in her cheeks, and she made a pit stop at the bar. Two tequila shots later, the scene in front of her didn't look so intimidating after all.

A dom was sitting alone nearby with his drink. He was dark-haired, tall, and shirtless. His build was nothing like Kevin's, who must have begun putting in lots of hours at the gym since he'd gone undercover. He'd never been that ripped when they'd been dating—

Alexis shook her head. She wasn't supposed to be thinking of him. She was supposed to be forgetting she'd ever met him. "One more," she told the bartender, watching her would-be mark. The tequila burned down her throat a third time, making her wince.

She hadn't heard from Kevin since she'd left his apartment two weeks earlier. He seemed to be respecting her request to stay away. Part of her wished he wouldn't.

He'd been haunting her dreams, her waking thoughts, while she fell back into her normal routine: working long hours, channeling her emotions into chasing down cases or pummeling her punching bag, living as celibate as a nun.

It wasn't enough. No matter that it was the way she'd lived her life for almost a year after she and Kevin had broken up. It was so far from being enough for her, mentally, emotionally, certainly not physically.

Her memories of her relationship with Kevin, of her sessions with Fenton, could not have drawn a stronger contrast to her stark and empty life. Breakfast in bed, being held in his arms while he stroked her hair, him giving her an orgasm so strong she felt like it had been branded between her legs. They snuck into her everyday moments, crowding in on her as she made coffee or observed couples on the streets or tossed and turned in bed at night.

Alexis would laugh if it wasn't so goddamn pathetic.

"Another," she said to the bartender, who frowned. The warm edges of her buzz were nice, but like so many other aspects of her life, it wasn't enough for her.

"It's not safe to engage in a scene when you're intoxicated," he said.

"Do I look like I'm in a scene right now?" Alexis demanded.

He poured her another shot and she turned back to her mark, who was talking to a pretty blonde sub. So much for that. Alexis knocked back the shot, then hailed the bartender over again. She slapped a few bills on the counter. "Leave the bottle."

* * *

It was just another night in the club when Kevin got the phone call. He was in the surveillance room again, watching people pass under the cameras as he counted the stacks of bills he'd gotten from several patrons earlier that evening. He cursed under his breath. Hansen was fifty short. His eyes scanned over the surveillance footage, searching for the man in question.

The man in question was at the bar, making bedroom eyes at Tessa. Kevin rubbed his eyes, exhausted by the charade he'd been living in for the past year. It was the third time the guy had been short on his payment, which was usually the time that the difference started being made in blood in and broken bones. Kevin had never had a taste for that kind of thing, his undercover status aside.

He was considering pushing the task off on Dominic when his phone started buzzing. The name on the display sent his heart plummeting into his stomach.

A.

Alexis.

Why would she be calling him now? Was she hurt? Did she just want to chew him out again? Did she want to talk? He shook his head, and he could hear Fenton telling him to stop being a pussy and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is this Fenton O'Connell?" The voice on the other end was not Alexis, and it made Kevin's hackles rise. Who the hell was this guy? And why was he calling on Alexis' phone?

He slipped into the cadence he usually reserved for his persona. "Who's asking?"

"A good goddamn samaritan," the guy snapped. "Listen, I've got this redhead here, drunk off her ass, and you're the first contact in her phone to pick up."

Kevin heard a voice that vaguely sounded like Alexis in the background. Was that giggling? Or whining? He wasn't sure where to start, and none of it seemed to make any sense. He glanced at the clock. "It's three in the morning."

"No shit. I've got a bar to close up, and your friend here can't even stay upright on a barstool. You can come get her, or I'll call the police and let them help her get home."

Kevin gritted his teeth. "Don't call the police. I'll come get her. Where is she?"

After the last few weeks he'd been having, it was icing on the fucking cake that he was picking Alexis up at three-thirty in the morning, at a goddamn fetish club of all places. Most of the patrons had left by the time he found the club, though there were a few bouncers showing people the door.

Kevin made his way to the bar, where a familiar redhead was hunched over, resting her head in her arms. He nodded at the bartender. "I'm Fenton. We spoke on the phone."

"Thank Christ." The bartender set the broom to the side and gestured at Alexis' hunched form. "She's all yours." He turned to Alexis, smacking his hand loudly on the bar. "Hey, Red. Your ride's here."

Alexis sat upright, wobbling so much in her barstool that she almost fell out of it. Kevin rushed to her side and caught her arm before she could topple over. He felt a flash of annoyance at the bartender for being an ass, and then he noticed that she was only holding onto the bar with one hand. Her other hand held an empty tequila bottle.

"How much did she drink?" Kevin demanded.

"Too damn much, but not the whole bottle."

Her hair was wild, her cheeks were flushed, and she looked in danger of spilling out of her tiny corset top. Her bloodshot eyes darted around for a moment before landing on Kevin. "He's not my ride," she insisted, her voice more petulant than slurred. "He's an asshole," she said to the bartender, somewhat conspiratorially.

Kevin just shook his head, and the bartender caught his eye for a moment before turning to Alexis. "Asshole or not, he's the only one who picked up the phone." He turned to Kevin. "Get her out of here before I change my mind about calling the cops."

Kevin gently tugged on her arm. "Come on. Let's get you home."

"I'm not going with you!" She tugged her arm back.

"Alright then."

Kevin lifted her over his shoulder, fireman style. Alexis spat curses at him, punching his back with the hand that wasn't holding the tequila bottle as he turned to the bartender, who handed over her purse. "Good luck with that," the bartender said.

"Have a good night," Kevin responded curtly.

* * *

As Kevin unlocked the door to his, that is, his persona's apartment, he cursed st himself for picking up the phone.

"I don't want to be here," Alexis complained as he all but dragged her inside.

"Too bad." She'd thrown up twice already, once on the cement outside the club and again on the side of the road when she'd begged him to pull over on the car ride home. Kevin didn't feel that she could be left alone in her current state, self-induced or not. And if he was stuck babysitting his ex, then he was going to do it in the comfort of his own apartment.

He directed her to the couch, where she collapsed gracelessly across the cushions. "Stay down," he said when she tried to get up. She still clutched the empty bottle of tequila to her chest like a lifeline. Kevin had tried to take it from her twice, and the result wasn't pretty either time.

He took a deep breath as he searched his fridge for something to curb the massive hangover she'd have. Orange juice would have to do. And then probably a gallon of water.

He brought her a glass of juice. "Drink this."

"I'm not your sub anymore. Stop trying to boss me around." Still, she took the glass and guzzled it down.

Watching the movement of her pale throat, Kevin took in her appearance again. "You look like you've found someone else to boss you around." Her petulance was beginning to wear on him, and the thought of her with another man had something inside him roaring to get out. "You shouldn't let him scene with you when you're drunk. Any half-decent dom knows better than that."

She frowned, her expression pinching so much that he thought she might cry.

"What is it?" he asked, alarms going off in his head, and that jealousy morphed into fierce protectiveness. "Did he hurt you?" He looked her up and down, searching for an injury.

She shook her head and set the empty glass on the coffee table. "There is no 'he.'"

"What?"

"I went to that club tonight to forget you. And Fenton. And I couldn't even—" she sniffed, blinking back tears. "Nothing happened."

"Why not?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

"Because he wasn't you."

Kevin didn't have a response for that, but words were still spilling from Alexis' mouth.

"You were the best boyfriend I've ever had, and I ruined everything. I'm so sorry, Kev. I'm so sorry." Tears were streaming down her face now. "And even Fenton, he gave me what I needed. He knew what I needed even when I didn't. And he helped me feel better. He helped me forget. He never treated me like a slut. Or a screw up. And I miss him almost as much as I miss you."

"Why… why are you telling me this?"

"I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not hurting. I'm tired of pretending like I'm fine, and all I need is work to keep me going. It's a lie. All I do is lie. And I'm so tired."

She let go of the bottle and it fell onto the carpet with a thud. Then she covered her face with her hands and Kevin saw her shoulders moving up-and-down in time with her ragged breath.

"Hey. It's OK. You're going to be OK," he said, wrapping his hands around her bare shoulders. She leaned into him, resting her face in the crook of his neck. He felt her tears dropping onto his skin, and his heart broke in two.

Now wasn't the time for such a serious discussion or for him to share the truth about how he really felt. Much as he wanted to comfort her, to assure her that he felt the same way, some small, rational part of him knew that her confession might have more to do with alcohol than how she really felt for him.

It would have to wait until morning.

"I've got you. You're going to be OK. I promise." His hands stroked her hair.

She suddenly sat upright. "Where's the bathroom?" she managed, her voice desperate.

"Down the hall. First door on the left."

As soon as the words were out, she made a beeline for the bathroom. Retching sounds soon echoed down the hallway.

Kevin rested his head in his hands. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Alexis was not terribly surprised to wake up on the bathroom floor, but she was surprised to wake up on a bathroom floor she didn't recognize. A soft blanket had been draped over her. She was still in her miniskirt and corset from the club, and makeup was caked down her arm from where her face had been resting.

Blinking slowly, her mouth dry, her head pulsing, she tried to sit up. The simple movement had her head spinning and her stomach heaving, though by the ache in her belly she knew nothing was going to come out.

She retched into the basin of the toilet, coughing and sputtering even as nothing came out but bile. Still, her body did its best to expel the poison inside her, and she clung to the porcelain bowl, retching as tears slipped down her face.

She was only distantly aware of the sounds around her, and she flinched when she felt cool hands pulling her tangled hair away from her face and neck.

"Just breathe," a familiar voice said, and her heart sank. She was in no position to argue, however, so she focused on not aspirating any of the saliva or bile she was heaving up.

When the wave of nausea had abated, reached for the lever to flush the toilet and then Alexis sat back hard, wiping her mouth. Her hair fell loose around her shoulders, and she drew in a deep breath and cleared her raw throat. "I came over last night." It was more question than statement.

"Not by choice."

She looked up in confusion, wincing at the sudden movement. The fluorescent lights were enough to make her want to bury her head under the soft blanket and try for a little more sleep on the cold bathroom floor.

He looked more like Fenton than Kevin as he stared down at her, and it wasn't just the glasses. "Do you even need those glasses?" she asked, her mouth apparently leagues ahead of her brain.

He tilted his head to the side. "Do you often get blackout drunk to escape your problems?"

She blearily blinked at him. His expression was flat, though he didn't seem particularly angry. She didn't have an answer to his question, and it didn't escape her that the last time she'd gotten this drunk was the night she'd cheated on Kevin—well over a year earlier. She shakily pulled herself to her feet. "Well, thanks for helping me out, I guess."

"There's breakfast," he said softly, sounding and seeming more like Kevin than the disapproving dom she'd woken up to. "Hangover approved."

She shook her head, her gaze stuck on the counter. "I should get going."

He stepped closer, letting his fingertips barely ghost over her arm. "Stay. I think we should talk. And you'll feel better with some food in your stomach."

Alexis grimaced. She wasn't sure that was true, and she definitely had less than zero interest in sticking around Kevin's apartment to talk.

"Please," he added. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

Something in his tone, in the earnest expression in his blue gaze, whispered to her to stay. Reminded her that for all of their baggage and all of their mistakes, part of her had never stopped loving him. And another part of her had never stopped wanting Fenton. That was why she'd gotten shitfaced in the first place.

She nodded, wincing at the dull pain that sparked across her head. "Okay."

He smiled at her, then stepped back and reached into the vanity drawer to pull out an unused toothbrush. "Feel free to, um, clean up a bit. Breakfast will be ready whenever you are."

He left her alone then, and Alexis closed the bathroom door behind him with a gentle click. Then she let out the breath she'd been holding. How had she managed to land herself in this situation?

She dared to survey herself in the mirror and almost gasped at her appearance. Her eye makeup was smudged, giving her raccoon eyes and a streak that ran down the side of her cheekbone. Her lipstick was smudged. Her hair was a tangled nest. She looked like a sad clown. She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

How many different venues was she going to end up exposed and ugly in front of Kevin? She had to add onto it with her own poor decisions. It chilled her to the bone that she couldn't remember any part of the night before. Her last memory was reaching the bottom of the tequila bottle. How had she gotten from there to here? With a belabored sigh, she spent the next several minutes scrubbing makeup off of her face, brushing her teeth, and using Kevin's comb to tame her hair. She glanced down at the corset top and miniskirt. It was par for the course for a night in the club, but in the cold light of morning, hungover at her ex's apartment…. Alexis wished she had something a bit more substantial with which to cover herself.

When she face herself in the mirror again, instead of a complete train wreck she saw a pale and tired version herself. There were a few red marks on her face where she'd scrubbed a little too hard, and her lips were just this side of swollen after she'd removed any last stain of makeup. But her breath was fresh, her hair was tamed. She adjusted the corset so that it hugged her waist and bust like it was made to and draped the long ends of her hair over her chest for some semblance of modesty.

With a deep breath, her steps still swaying just a bit under the oppressive pounding of her head, she stepped out of the bathroom, following the scent of bacon to the kitchen. Her eyes landed on the couch as she passed the living room, and images flashed through her head.

Kevin's hands moving over her hair. His voice soothing. "You're gonna be OK." Tears running down her cheeks, and her nose stuffy from crying. Oh god. Had she cried last night? All over him? And he'd comforted her?

She leaned heavily against the wall, suddenly too embarrassed to finish her journey to the kitchen. Maybe she could just make a run for it now.

"You don't have to lurk in doorways, you know," Kevin said from the kitchen.

Alexis took a deep breath then stepped into the kitchen. Kevin was filling two plates that were laid out on the kitchen table. He paused momentarily, the pan still in his grip, when she came in. She watched his eyes flick up and down her form before he turned around, setting the now-empty pan back on the stove. "You clean up nice," he said in an offhand way.

"Thank you," she said quietly, not sure if he meant to compliment her or to remind her just how much of mess she'd been. Probably still was. Soap and a comb didn't change the churning in her stomach or the dull throbbing behind her eyes. She cleared her throat. "Do you, um… do you need help with anything?"

He set the pan down and began digging through one of the drawers. He pulled out two forks. "Just sit. Enjoy your breakfast while it's still hot."

She took a seat the table, nodding her thanks when Kevin handed her a fork. He'd made a basic hangover breakfast: a breakfast sandwich made of cheesy scrambled eggs and bacon, set between two thick pieces of toast. A large glass of orange juice was set off to the side of her plate. Her mouth watered at the scent coming off the plate, but still her stomach reminded her of what she'd put it through. Experimentally, she took a sip of orange juice. Then another. Soon, the whole glass was gone, and she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, surprised at how thirsty she was.

Kevin stood and refilled her glass for her. "Thanks," she said again, completely unnerved by how kind he was being.

"You should try to eat something," he responded simply, tucking into his own sandwich.

She didn't know how to quantify this: the man she loved, the man she'd cheated on, the man who had lied to her about his identity and had let her start a sexual relationship with him, that man had apparently taken care of her while she was drunk and had made her breakfast in the morning, almost as if they were lovers again.

Except, this wasn't a typical morning after. For one, she was fairly certain she'd spent altogether too much time vomiting to engage in anything but gripping the toilet bowl for dear life, and for another… she didn't feel like she'd had sex the night before. And one of apparently many things that Kevin and Fenton had in common was that when she got sexually involved with one of them, she always felt it the next day.

She took a small bite of the sandwich, savoring the greasy flavors on her tongue with sigh a contentment. She caught Kevin's gaze at that, and she felt heat blooming over her cheekbones and down her neck. She'd forgotten how amazing his cooking was now that it had been over a year since she'd been able to enjoy it. "It's good," she offered, feeling herself blush even deeper. She sipped at her orange juice then, letting her stomach decide what to do with the small bite before she added more.

Kevin's mouth twitched with the beginning of a smile but he didn't respond, and she felt that embarrassment twist into anxiety. Not for the first time, she wished she could read his mind. "Thanks again for helping me. I'm sure you would had better things to do than babysit me. Sleeping, probably." God, now she was rambling.

"I wasn't asleep when I got the call. You don't need to worry about that."

"Got the call?"

"Yeah, the bartender at that club started going through your phone to find you a ride home."

Alexis' eyes widened. He hadn't seemed that nice when she'd been sober. "That was generous of him." She looked back up at Kevin. "And you."

Again, he didn't respond.

"So what were you doing, if you weren't sleeping. I mean, I hope I didn't interrupt any big plans…"

"Are you asking if I was with someone last night?" he asked, that shadow of a smile still on his lips. There was the faintest lilt to his voice, an echo of how Fenton spoke.

"Just making conversation," she said, her cheeks hot again. She busied herself with eating her sandwich, and Kevin seemed content to let her eat. When her plate was empty, though, he took his turn asking questions.

"What about you?" he asked as he took her plate and her empty glass and placed them in the sink with his own dishes. "Did you find someone to play with last night?"

She paused, watching his face. He was completely impassive. She couldn't read him. "Um, no. At least, I don't think I did." She blinked a few times, searching through the fragments of memory from the night before. "I don't think I left the bar until you came for me."

"So you got all dressed up to get plastered at a fetish club? You didn't play at all?"

"That about sums it up." She glued her eyes to the tabletop.

"Why?"

She frowned at looked up at him. "Why, what?"

"Why did you do that?"

She searched her brain for an acceptable answer, one that wouldn't end her all the broken pieces of her heart laid bare for his amusement. "I-I don't know. I was pretty drunk."

"If you had just wanted to get shitfaced, you could have done that at home much easier. Why go out of your way?" he asked, stepping near her.

"I just wanted to, I guess," she said, the earnest tone in his voice setting off warning bells inside her. She stood up. "Thanks so much for breakfast, and for coming to get me last night, and letting me stay—"

He stood in the way of the exit. "Tell me the truth."

Alexis closed her eyes, willing herself to not flinch at his tone. He didn't sound angry, but there was a resolution in his tone that was unyielding as stone. And some part of her, perhaps the same small part that had loved handing over control to Fenton, wanted desperately to yield to him. "I am." Her voice wasn't anywhere near convincing.

He let her words linger between them, and he didn't back down. "You wanna try that again?"

She crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to look him in the eye. Those honey-brown irises stared back at her. "What do you want from me, Kevin?"

"The truth."

She forced out a laugh, though she didn't find their situation remotely funny. "That's rich, coming from the man who's wearing a disguise."

His lips pressed into a thin line. "You know who I am," he reminded her. "I'm not hiding the truth anymore. Can you say the same?"

She paused, the confession heavy on the top of her tongue, but her fear and pride keeping her lips sealed. "Why are you pushing this? Why can't you just accept that things are ruined between us?" Her voice cracked. "They've been ruined for a long time."

He stepped close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off his skin. Mere centimeters kept them apart, and she wanted nothing more than to close the space between them. "It's not your fault," he said quietly. "And things don't have to be ruined between us."

She was at once reminded of the last time they'd spoken. When he'd told her that she was who he wanted. "You don't really want me," she replied, her eyes glued on some point beyond his shoulder.

He tilted her head up with a gentle grip on her chin. "Don't I get to decide that for myself?"

She had no response for that. And she felt her heart skip up into a new tempo when his hands closed over her shoulders and his head tilted forward; his body was slowly molding around hers, blocking out her ability to stand strong, to think. "What were you looking for?" he asked again, his tone somehow both gentle and unyielding.

"I…." she shook her head slightly, feeling that subtle dominance scatter her resolve.

Kevin's hand slid from her shoulder to the nape of her neck. His fingers twined in the thick locks of hair he found there and tugged, just hard enough to demand her attention, just gentle enough to weave that submissive headspace around her.

A tiny groan slipped through her lips, and her eyes fluttered closed. "I wanted to forget. I wanted to find someone who could help me forget you."

"Did you find someone?" His voice was a low rumble that sent heat to the pit of her stomach.

"No. I couldn't. I couldn't even really try."

"Why not?"

She hesitated long enough that he tugged her hair again. "Look at me, Alexis."

She gasped, and her eyes fluttered open.

"Why not?" he repeated.

"I…" she hesitated, then swallowed. "You know why."

He leaned closer, his nose centimeters from her own. "Say it."

"I…" she took a breath. "There's only one man I want, and he wasn't in that club last night." Heat rose in her cheeks and she was certain that he'd be able to hear her heart pounding in her chest. "At least, not until he brought me home."

Her words hung in the air for what felt like the longest string of seconds she'd ever endured. Then Kevin released his grip on her hair and closed the space between them and his lips hovered over hers, never quite making contact.

A knock at the door froze the happiness in Kevin's expression. He stepped back, his eyes dancing around the kitchen as if looking for anything incriminating. "Stay here."

He disappeared into the living room, headed to the front door, and soon Alexis heard the low voices of several men. She stood silently and tried to listen in.

"—not a good time," Kevin said.

She heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Seth. "You have company, O'Connell?"

"That's none of your business."

"I'd love to meet your guest," another voice said in a tone that was obviously not a request.

There was a long pause, and then she heard Fenton calling her name from the living room. She took a deep breath and followed his voice. When her eyes landed on the group of men, the breath was forced right out of her.

She knew the man with Seth and Kevin. She'd met him not quite a week earlier, when she was investigating the death of one of his employees. Andres Moreno wasn't just some well-to-do restaurant owner. He was Fenton's boss. The kingpin.

And more importantly, Moreno knew who she was, too.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

For a long string of seconds, Alexis was glued in the doorway, staring at the men. She tried not to stare at Moreno too much. He did remember her, didn't he? She wasn't sure how he'd miss her, seeing as how she and Javier had questioned him not four days ago. Her eyes flicked past Seth and Dominick, who looked at her like she was a bug they'd like to crush under their shoes. Moreno's lips quirked up, but he otherwise showed no emotion. Was that a good sign, or a bad one?

"This is Alexis—" Kevin began.

"Harper. Alexis Harper," she answered.

"She's a regular at the club," he explained. Alexis noticed Seth and Dominick scoff at that explanation.

"We know who she is," Seth said. "We've already made some memories." Kevin's eyes narrowed at that, but didn't engage with the two men.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Moreno said, nodding at her in greeting. She remained glued in the doorway. She was suddenly struck with a sense of deja vu. He'd said more or less the same thing when she and Javier had introduced themselves to him. That time he'd shaken their hands. Maybe context was everything. Maybe without her partner by her side and her badge, he couldn't place her. Maybe if he did remember her at all, Kevin's explanation would assuage any suspicion. His wrist hung past the cuff of his shirt, and she saw the beginning of a black, inked design there.

"She was just leaving," Kevin continued, his voice sounding more and more like the lilt she'd come to associate with Fenton.

"You don't need to stop your games on our part," Dominick sneered.

Neither Kevin nor Moreno batted an eye at the comment, instead letting it hang in the air. Kevin nodded to the door. "I'll call you later," he said to her, a clear dismissal. Alexis took her purse off the couch, passing the men on her way out. She didn't speak to any of them again. As soon as she reached the pavement downstairs, her legs began to shake. By the time she'd hailed a cab and was on her way home, she was putting together the puzzle pieces, her hands shaking and her heart racing.

It wasn't a coincidence that the man she'd interviewed a few days earlier in connection to a murder was showing up at Fenton's apartment and controlling everyone in the room. Was that Fenton's boss? And if that was the case, the was Moreno connected to the club? Was Fenton connected to the murder she and Javier had found? Was he connected to Amelia's murder? Connections were firming in her mind, but she didn't have all the pieces, she needed more information. She texted Fenton's burner phone.

 _Thanks for a great night. Can't wait to talk you again._

She shoved her phone back in her purse, her stomach twisting with fear and anxiety. Protectiveness told her to call in Javi and whoever else would come to help Kevin with the likely murderer that was in his apartment. But no, she couldn't. She couldn't blow his cover.

Hopefully she hadn't blown it already.

* * *

Alexis waited as long as she could to call Kevin, but once it passed 9 pm, almost twelve hours since she'd left Fenton's apartment, she couldn't wait anymore.

When she finally heard his voice on the other end, she thought her heart would explode. "Why haven't you called me? I left almost twelve hours ago."

"And?" Even with the monosyllable, she picked up on the Fenton-esque quality in his voice.

"And I was worried about you!" She hated how shrill she sounded, the way her guard went up in the face of that single word and all the carelessness that accompanied it. She cleared her throat and tried again. "What happened after I left?"

"We took care of business."

She waited to see if he'd elaborate at all, but after enough beats of silence, she realized that he didn't plan to. Why was he being so cagey? He'd been nothing but kindness and reassurances and gentle demands for her to open up to him. Now it sounded like he couldn't care less. She sighed, "Do you want to come over and we can talk? We never really finished our conversation earlier."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

She blinked, and her heart plummeted into her stomach. "Are you joking right now?"

"I think it'd be best if you stayed away from me for a while. At least until things settle down. I've got a lot riding on work right now."

It didn't take a detective to read between the lines: he was dismissing her till his assignment was over. Regardless of the fact that it could take another year to complete, that he'd been all too eager to play with her in the last few weeks, regardless of the fact that she had her own reasons for wanting into the club. Regardless of everything he'd told her that morning about having feelings for her, about forgiving her and wanting her. Regardless of the fact that she wanted him, too.

"No," she answered, her resolve steeling in her chest. "I'm not going anywhere. I have my own work to do, and _we are not finished_."

"I already told you, you're not going back into that club without me. And I'm not going to take you in there again. You're SOL."

She bit back a growl of frustration. "Can you speak freely?"

There was a pause on the other end. "Hold on." She heard him cover the phone, heard muffled voices, one of which was feminine. She wondered if he was with another sub, and then she stuffed that feeling as deep down as it could go. She'd already played the jealousy game with him and lost. He was a free agent, despite their sessions. If he wanted to play with other subs, he was free. Hell, he could fuck whoever he wanted, too. Whatever was between them wasn't an exclusive deal. And she had more pressing concerns than her ex-boyfriend's cover's fidelity.

"What is it?" he asked. She heard silence on the other end and wondered if he was back in his office.

"Your cover might be blown."

"Excuse me?" His voice took on a sharp edge.

"Moreno. I questioned him about a murder just a few days ago. He… he didn't act like he recognized me in your apartment this morning, but I don't see how he could have forgotten me completely."

Kevin let out of string of curses.

"Did he say anything to you?" she asked. "After I left? Did he say anything or act strangely?"

"No. I had no idea. I mean, Seth and Dominick were being dickheads about you being at my apartment. They kept bringing it up. But Andres didn't seem to care one way or the other."

"That's good, right?"

"Maybe." He sighed. "Or maybe he's playing his cards close to his chest. You cannot come back here, Alexis."

"Does the name Amelia Parry ring a bell?" she asked suddenly. Tension clenched tight in her gut. It had been lurking there in the back of her mind since she'd seen Fenton's tattoo all those weeks ago. And even finding out Fenton's identity hadn't changed that. Maybe Kevin knew her. Maybe Kevin was helping to cover up her murder for his own case. Maybe she'd been into things that Alexis hadn't know about and Kevin had to—

"Who?"

"Amelia," she said the name slower. "She was young. Twenty-four years old. Blonde, slim, maybe five two."

"Was?"

"We picked up her body a few weeks ago. Umbra's address was written on the inside of her arm. We think she might have met somebody there."

"I…. no the name doesn't mean anything to me."

"What about Hector Johnson?" she asked.

"Hector? Yeah. He's—"

"Dead," she finished. "And I think Moreno did it. I… I think he might have been connected to Amelia somehow, too."

"Shit."

"Can you come over? Please. We need to talk about all of this."

"I shouldn't be seen with you, Alexis. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. If Moreno knows who you are—"

"Then you're already fucked, and you should get out of there!"

"I didn't read anything on him. I think I'm safe. And you're safer if you're far away from me and anything relating to this club. Just… forget the case, okay? Put it on hold. Just for a little while."

"Absolutely not."

"Alexis—"

"There are loved ones waiting for closure. Waiting for me to tell them that I've found justice for their daughter. I'm not stopping. And you would say the same thing if I asked you to stop."

"They can wait a little longer."

She blew out a breath. "Kevin, I'm working this case with or without you. I'm not asking for permission or forgiveness. I'm asking for your help because I think that if we work together, we can solve both our cases. We used to be partners, and I need a partner now. _Will you help me?_ Yes or no."

Silence fell across the line, and Alexis prepared herself for the worst. She took a breath and used the last card she had to play. "You owe me this, Kevin."

She heard him blow out a breath. "I'll come over after I get off. Probably around three. Can you wait that long?"

"Yes," she breathed, glancing at the clock. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me." The line went dead, and she stared at her cell phone for a moment, marveling at the difference between the man she'd left that morning and the one she'd just spoken to on the phone.

She tried to console herself, tried to wrap her head around the events of the last few days. Things would be better once they talked. He wouldn't leave her to face this mess alone.

* * *

Fenton found himself knocking lightly on the door to Alexis' apartment at half-past three. Exhaustion pounded behind his eyelids; a hell of a tension headache was brewing. He'd been putting out one fire after another ever since Moreno had shown up at his apartment. Hec hadn't shown up to work, so Fenton had been covering double duty. Now that he'd spoken to Alexis, he knew why.

The door swung open, and Alexis welcomed him in. She'd traded out the skimpy outfit from last night for jeans and a dark green t-shirt. She was still pale, but it looked like she'd showered. She looked gorgeous, even with the casual getup. He realized he hadn't once seen her dressed normally like this since they'd broken up. She'd always been wearing sexy outfits at the club, or the one time he'd seen her in her pajamas when he'd brought her back after their intense session. His stomach twisted as he recalled the intimate particulars of that session. Shit, he did owe her. And he'd never be able to pay her back for the trust she'd shown him.

"Thanks for coming," she said. She closed and locked the door behind him and headed straight for the kitchen. It was straight to business for them, which was fine. It was probably better that way. "You want coffee?"

He shook his head. He'd already had more than enough today. She beckoned him over to her small kitchen table, where a variety of photos were spread out. "This is everything I have on Moreno and the two murders."

Kevin looked over the table, his eyes catching on a picture of Hector with a neat bullet hole in his head.

"You get ballistics back yet?"

"It was a .22, no prints on the bullet." Her eyes cut over to his. "Does Moreno own one?"

"It's possible. He has the means to get just about anything he wants."

"What's he into?" she asked.

"Give you one guess." She'd been around the club often enough to pick up on what they dealt in, even if she'd never sought out a dealer herself or seen a single dimebag.

"Cocaine." It wasn't a question.

"Bingo. He's my target."

"Narcotics sent you on this assignment?" she asked, a crease appearing between her eyebrows.

Confusion flashed through him, and then he realized the question there. "I never went to Boston. It was my cover. The assignment came up about a year ago, my captain in Narcotics was approached by the FBI to have me help them out." Silence settled between them. "I took it," he added unnecessarily.

"That was right after the breakup."

He nodded, suddenly unable to look at her. "Yeah."

"So you've been working this case…. Pretending to be Fenton O'Connell this whole time?"

He nodded. "It seemed like a good fit. I didn't really have anything tying me down."

Alexis thought about that for a moment, then shrugged. "I guess not." She took a breath and rubbed at her face. "Okay, so Moreno's a cocaine kingpin, right? Who's Hector to him really? Because I have a gut feeling that he wasn't ever a bartender."

"He was a dealer. And his deals kept getting busted. He was arrested once, found his way back out, but things kept failing. Moreno must have seen him as a weak link."

Alexis stood upright. "Busted how?"

"The NYPD kept getting wind of it. Maybe Moreno thought Hec was probably working with them, or giving all his secrets up to an undercover cop." Kevin's lips twitched at the irony of that statement, considering who he'd been spending every free hour with over the last few weeks.

Alexis went pale. "Shit."

"What's the matter?"

She sat down at the kitchen table. "It was me," she said. "I'm the leak." Her eyes flicked up to his, her gaze serious. "I planted a microphone in your office. And when I wasn't seeing results on my case, I dropped a few anonymous tips to see if I could scare out more leads."

Kevin allowed himself to process her words for just a moment before fury made the world around him go red. His fingers wrapped around the back of one of her flimsy kitchen chairs. After a year of spending more time in his persona's head than his own, Kevin rarely knew who was running the show anymore, and he was used to the discrepancy and the mental two-person game of musical chairs. But in this moment he and his persona were in agreement. Anger and incredulity and some small measure of something resembling protectiveness churned inside him. "You did what?" his voice had dropped low, to the voice he reserved for scumbags he was trying to intimidate.

Her eyes were glued to the tabletop. "The night Seth and Dominick found me outside your office… They caught me in the hallway. I was actually in your office before that. I picked the lock and placed the bug. I've been collecting audio recordings ever since." She finally met his gaze.

His fingers curled into fists, and he spent a long moment just focusing on breathing. "Do you have any idea what will happen if Moreno finds that bug? If the FBI finds out their investigation has been tampered with… by some goddamn homicide detective working off the books?!" His voice had risen to a shout. The fine edge he'd been living on since he'd put on the Fenton mask, eating, sleeping, lying, working every day toward a world with one less scumbag…. All of it could have been obliterated thanks to one stubborn redhead.

"I didn't know who you were!" She stood up, not back down an inch. "How the hell was I supposed to know the FBI was involved? Up until a few days ago I thought you were just some criminal. I thought—"

"Jesus Christ, did you think I was the murderer?" As soon as the thought appeared in his mind, he couldn't let it go. It poisoned every memory of every scene he'd ever done with her. "You thought you were subbing for a murderer?"

"No! I mean, I wasn't sure... After…. After our first scene, I didn't think you could be the murderer. I knew that you weren't capable of killing someone before I knew who you really were."

Her attempt to placate him wasn't anywhere near enough. "What the hell were you doing in that club in the first place?"

"I told you. Amelia—"

"No, I asked what _you_ were doing in that club. Alone. Without your badge or any backup. You were running around that place for days before we ran into each other. Why? What exactly were you hoping to accomplish?"

She paused, and her eyes slid away from his as she considered how to tell him the truth. Kevin knew that look, and he knew that if she had that look on her face, he wouldn't like the truth she was about to share. She handed him a photo of a girl in a torn, skimpy outfit. A thick, iron collar cut into her neck. Kevin could tell from the state of her clothes and the pattern of bruises on her body that she'd been assaulted before she'd been killed. "That's how we found her. That's… what her murderer did to her."

It took only a second for Alexis' words to click. For the memories of her bouncing from dom to dom wearing a series of very similar outfits to come rushing forward. He recalled the moment he'd seen her in the private room with Seth, alone, a bruise rising on her cheek. "Oh fuck…" he shoved the chair aside, letting it smack loudly against the wall, and stepped into Alexis' space. "You didn't. You haven't. Tell me it's not what I'm thinking. Tell me you're not using yourself as bait to catch a rapist murderer."

She squared her shoulders. "I didn't have another choice."

"Yes, you fucking did! Maybe try your actual job? You know, the legal route where you have a gun and badge and someone watching your back?"

"Our leads dried up. The traditional way wasn't working!"

"This isn't the first time you've done this, is it? This case isn't your first solo act."

"I get results this way, Kevin. I get justice, and those families get closure—"

"And you're gonna get a bullet in your goddamn head!" He grasped her shoulders. "What part of this do you not understand? There's a reason you have a partner, Alexis. What does Javi think about all this?"

"He doesn't know. He suspects, I'm sure." She cleared her throat. "But the mayor is thrilled with our case closure rate, so he and Beckett can't stop me."

Kevin was speechless. He stepped back. "What the hell is wrong with you that you're willing to kill yourself for a higher case closure rate?"

She just blinked at him for a moment, her face betraying shock and hurt at his words. She blew out a breath, then turned away from him, looking back at the table. "It's not about the numbers. Those families—"

"No, don't put this on them. There were grieving families before, back when you and I were doing this together, and even when you and Javier were working together. You didn't used to do this."

"I did this on our very first case," she reminded him. "This is how I work."

The memory of that case was enough to make him pause. Her bruised ribs and screams of pain were burned into his memory. He'd never forget seeing her held at gunpoint, a cut on her cheek, her face ashen as she tried to reason with the man she'd tracked down by herself. "You weren't alone, not when it mattered," he said quietly. "Who do you have to call now? Because it cannot be me. I am up to my eyeballs in this shitshow and I can't be there protect you."

"I never asked you to," she stared at the photos on the table for a long string of seconds. "And I'm not the only one here who's kept hurtful secrets, Kevin."

He let her comment hang in the air. He'd fought that battle enough times already, and he didn't see the outcome changing anytime soon.

She cleared her throat. "Do you know if Seth or Dominick have tattoos?"

The question was so out of left field he almost didn't register it. "What?"

She pointed at a stack of papers on the table. "In Amelia's journal, she talked about the man who invited her to Umbra. He was her dominant, and he introduced her to that dynamic. She never used his name, but she did mention a tattoo."

"I... " Fenton thought back to the times he'd seen the men around the club in various state of dress. "I don't think they do. At least not anywhere you'd see while they're playing the role."

She nodded, like it was just as she suspected. "I've noticed the same. And Moreno?"

"What about him?"

"He has a tattoo, doesn't he?"

"I think so. On his forearm. Where are you going with this?"

"You know what else he has?" she asked. "A history of domestic abuse. His wife fell off their apartment balcony, nine stories up. He was acquitted, but it does look suspicious."

"And?"

She looked up at him then, her eyes narrowing. "He's implicated in at least one other death, just recently, he has a tattoo, he runs a BDSM club, and he has a history of killing women he's intimately involved with."

"You think he killed this Amelia girl." It wasn't a question.

"I know he killed her. Now I just have to prove it."

He sighed, his headache had grown from an incessant pounding to feeling like a jackhammer was pressing against his skull. He rubbed his face. "You are not going to prove anything. He's better at covering his tracks that anyone I've ever met. Why do you think I've been doing this for a year?"

"I have to try."

"No, he will kill you," Kevin said wearily. "You need to quit while you're ahead, princess."

She froze, and suddenly he felt hot. The word had slipped off his tongue without a second thought.

"You don't get to call me that," she said.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think. But I do care about what happens to you. And I'm not wrong. You are in over your head, and if you just cut losses now, you can walk away from this." He took a breath. "Walk away from this, Alexis. Please."

She shook her head. "Which is it, Kevin? Am I a goddamn homicide detective with something wrong in my head? Or am I somebody you care about?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to find your body one of these days. And I know if that that happens I'll never forgive myself. I care about you…. Probably more than you're willing to hear." He reached for her hand, and to his surprise she let him take it. "And if I was free right now, to do what I want, to be who I want to be instead of who I have to be, maybe things could be different. But I'm not free, and I can't think any further ahead than tomorrow."

"You weren't saying that this morning."

"I know. This morning was… I got lost in having you around. Lost in what we used to have, between us, and between you and Fenton. And right now I wish I was back there, before Moreno came in and reminded me what I have to lose." He laced their fingers together. "I need you to let this case go. I need you to take care of yourself, okay? Whatever you think you have to do, and whatever reason you have for thinking that the answer is sacrificing yourself, forget it, okay? Nothing is worth that price. Nothing in this whole goddamn world is worth losing you. And I know that better than anyone."

Her eyes widened, and she let go of his hand and stepped closer to him. She touched his chest, tentatively at first, and then let her arms slid up the fabric of his jacket to link behind his neck. Kevin echoed her movements, letting his hands slide down to her hips. Her forehead pressed against his. "I miss you," she said.

"I know."

"We don't have to do this alone. We could be a team again. You and me at the club. We can take him down together."

"It's not a risk I'm willing to take."

"It's not an opportunity I'm willing to miss."

He pulled back for just a moment, and his eyes caught on her lips. God, he missed kissing her. He missed every little thing about her, even the stubbornness that threatened to drive him insane. He saw desire and something tender in her eyes. Saw her inching forward and tilting her head in invitation. Still, something held her back from crossing the gap and kissing him. Probably the same thing that kept him from kissing her, even though it was all he wanted in the entire world.

He stepped back, giving her hands one more squeeze before breaking their connection entirely. "Thank you for this information. I'll take it to my handler at the FBI, and I'm sure it'll help us bring down Moreno."

"And Amelia?" she asked.

"We will get justice for her. I promise."

"You promise?" She shook her head, skepticism clear on her face, like she knew better than to believe in his promises.

"Out of all the things I want to give you, it's the only thing I really have to offer." With a ragged exhale, he stepped away from her and the kitchen full of case files. "I should get back."

"What if it's not enough?" she pressed. "What if I can't let this one go?"

His hand on her doorknob, he tensed at her words. He wished he'd made it out of her apartment before she'd confessed that to him. He turned back to her, unable to wipe the regret off his face. "If you can't let this go, aside from the obvious danger you'd be putting yourself in, you'd also be guilty of tampering with a federal investigation."

Her eyes widened at his implied threat. "You wouldn't."

"You shouldn't be surprised at the lengths I'll go to when you're involved." He sighed. "I can't have this conversation with you anymore. Be safe, or don't. It's your choice, right?"

The regret on her face matched his own. "Goodnight, Alexis." He was met with silence as he left her apartment, shutting the door behind him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty Three**

It was time to come clean. It had been a long time coming, and somewhere in the back of Alexis' mind she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it secret for long. Now that the time had arrived, she was nervous. It wasn't like she was coming clean to new partner that she'd only known for months. No, this was _Javi_.

Javi was a great partner. he was loyal, kind, brave, and protective. He was the ideal partner and Alexis considered herself lucky to work next to him. She wasn't naive though. She knew that Javi would be upset that she had been keeping him out of the loop for so long and she knew that she would be upset if he were to do the same to her.

The whole ordeal barely made sense in her own head, so how was she supposed to explain it to somebody else? Javi was an understanding guy, but she felt as if she were about to push the boundaries of what Javi was willing to accept.

Alexis sat at her desk with a pit growing in her stomach. She was a grown woman who was able to to make her own decisions, but she respected Javi and didn't want him seeing her as someone less than who he he'd thought she was. In some twisted way, it was like cheating on Kevin all over again.

She just hoped that she hadn't broken their trust by keeping him out of the loop for so long. Maybe she could make him a cup of coffee, as if that gesture would mean anything.

When Javi walked off of the elevator and through the bullpen, Alexis wanted to stand up and greet him with the coffee, but she couldn't. The pit in her stomach had been filled with a weight twice her size. She couldn't move.

"Hey, Castle. Did you get a good night's sleep?" he asked as he approached his desk with a coffee already in his hand. So much for Alexis trying to sweeten him up.

"Not so much. You?"

"Decent. You don't look so good. Anything I should be concerned about?"

Alexis took a deep breath. "Actually, there is."

Javi's interest was notably piqued. "What is it?"

"Can we talk in the break room? I wouldn't want anyone to overhear."

"Sure."

Using all the strength she could summon, she stood up and quickly made her way toward the break room. Her heart was racing, and she could feel her hands starting to sweat.

It was ridiculous, of course. She knew Javi. She knew that once the whole thing was explained that he would eventually understand that she was only doing what she needed to solve the case. She had heard stories from Kevin about the things he and Javi would do in order to get to the bottom of a case.

She was doing this for Amelia. He'd understand.

She glanced around the room, making sure it was clear before closing the door behind them.

"I know that you have noticed a change in me," she began, forcing herself to turn around and face the detective standing in front of her.

"Yes, I have."

"I wasn't being honest with you all those times I told you I was okay."

He frowned. "Why'd you lie?"

"It was complicated, but I'm ready to tell you what it was all about."

"I'm all ears." He looked her up and down. "Does this have something to do with Kevin?"

She blinked, surprised at how well he'd been able to fit the pieces together. "In part, yes, but that's not the whole picture."

Javi leaned against the counter right next to the coffeemaker. "Well then paint it for me."

Alexis almost wanted to smile. She appreciated that Javi wasn't getting mad that she lied, that he was willing to listen to her.

"I'll try and make this as quick as possible, because it's important that you know. So, it started with the Amelia Parry case." Javi nodded, so she continued. "I felt like we weren't making enough progress, so I decided to do something about that and ultimately that's where I began to lie to you and some other people as well."

"Meaning?"

"Only one person knows about what I've really been doing. Not even Captain Beckett knows, but I'll deal with telling her after we talk." Alexis felt a switch flip and suddenly she not only wanted to tell Javi the whole truth, but she needed to. "I've been going to the club. Umbra. I figured that if I wanted real answers that I couldn't do that as a detective."

She watched Javi's head tilt from one side to the other. He opened his mouth and shook his head, but he didn't speak a word.

She took a deep breath. "I thought that it would be best if I went into to the club as myself."

"What?"

"I tried to put myself in Amelia's shoes. I figured that it would be the best way to find the killer."

"How? By potentially getting yourself killed?" Javi almost had the look of a disappointed father. Alexis couldn't bear to look at him. "How many times did you go to the club?"

"More than a few."

"Alexis," Javi said, in a serious voice. "How many times?"

"I couldn't give you an exact number."

"Why?"

"Because I went there too many times to count."

He shook his head and let out a long sigh. "So what happened?"

"I found a dom."

"A what?" Alexis knew that it was a rhetorical question, but she needed to explain to him. The sooner she told him the whole ugly truth the better.

"I found a dom, and I was hoping that I could get information from him. Maybe he might have seen something or heard something that could help me close in on a suspect."

"You're not telling me what I think you are, are you?" Alexis didn't say anything. "I doubt some dom would just let you ask questions without you giving him something in return."

"It's not what you think, Javi." Alexis walked closer, trying her best to keep the conversation under control. "I met a dom. His name was Fenton O'Connell."

Emotion flashed across her partner's face, ranging from shock to confusion to anger. Finally, he pursed his lips as his expression turned to stone.

"You know him," Alexis said, shock twisting the weight in her stomach. "You knew, didn't you? You knew this whole time?"

"It wasn't my secret to tell." He sighed. "And I never imagined you'd end up meeting Fenton."

"Because Kevin took the job to get away from me?" She couldn't quite hold back the bitterness lacing her words.

Javi neither confirmed nor denied her statement. "When did you find out he was Kevin?""

"Far too late in the game, if you ask me. He thinks that he was keeping me safe by pretending."

Javi shook his head. "Only he would see that as protection."

"He did protect me when I needed it and once he was on my radar I suspected him, but we both know that he wasn't the guy I was looking for."

"What happened with you two?"

"A lot. Fenton convinced me that he could be my dom, so I agreed thinking that if I could get close, I could get information. As time went on other suspects popped up."

"Was he always your dom, even when you knew he wasn't a suspect?"

Alexis put her head down, starting to feel just some of the shame she knew Javi would bring out in her. It wasn't his fault though. She'd done this to herself.

"Yes."

Javi let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Wow." Alexis bit her lip and looked down. She knew that this was coming. "I can't believe you didn't tell me. You understand what kind of position you put yourself in. If this had been any other guy, you could have easily been the next victim."

"I know."

"And what, you didn't care?"

"I just wanted to get justice for Amelia."

"And having sex with Kevin was going to make that happen?"

"We didn't—" she stopped herself and took a breath. "I needed more information."

"So the ends justify the means is what you're saying?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

"That would have been the perfect time for you to come and talk with me. I'm your partner, Alexis. Does that mean anything?"

"Of course it does."

"You'll forgive me if I don't believe that given what I've just found out."

Alexis couldn't say anything. She felt gross now that Javi knew. It was like a giant spotlight was shining down on her. She couldn't take the heat of it. Alexis didn't have anything to add to that, so she went ahead. "Anyway, I made some mistakes. and now I think I might be in trouble."

Javi closed his eyes, clearly upset. Alexis watched as he grew more and more tense. "What kind of trouble?"

"Andres Moreno. I interrogated him and then he saw me with Fenton and I'm pretty sure that he made me. And I think he killed Amelia."

Javi blinked a few times. "How are you so confident?"

Alexis crossed her arms, trying to stand a little taller under Javi's scrutiny. "I was looking through Amelia's personal information, I found a journal and she wrote that at the club her dom has a tattoo. And so does Moreno."

"Lots of people have tattoos, Alexis."

"Lots of people don't operate in the criminal underworld and have a history of killing their wives."

"Jesus Christ, Alexis. I wish that you would have included me on this before all the shit hit the fan."

"Me too. I know that what I did was stupid and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but… I can't be sorry for going to the club in the first place, because I found him, Javi. I found the guy who killed Amelia."

"You don't know that!" he snapped. "Not for sure."

"I know it in my gut, and I know we can get the evidence to nail him."

"We?" he barked a laugh. "Now that you've landed yourself in trouble, it's 'we'?"

"If anyone can help me, it's you. It trust you with my life, Javi," she pleaded, meaning every words as it crossed her lips. "Plus, it's worth it, right? If we catch him?"

"No, it's not worth it. None of this is worth you ending up on a murder's hit list. Please tell me you understand that."

Alexis bit her bottom lip and nodded. She didn't like feeling vulnerable and she didn't want Javi thinking that after all she went through that she was weak, but Alexis couldn't lie to herself. She was more afraid of what Moreno would do that she was willing to admit.

"What now, Javi? Do you go in and tell Beckett?"

Javi paced for a while, clearly trying to think of the best option moving forward. Alexis watched and felt herself begin to tremble. What if this whole thing, going to the club, meeting Fenton, finding Moreno meant that she would lose her job?

Javi stopped and made sure that nobody was around to hear his next words.

"We don't tell Beckett."

"What?" Alexis said, shaking her head. "Why not?"

"We need to tread carefully. I'm thankful that you told me about this, even if you did it later than I would have liked, but we have lay low about this."

"Lay low?"

"Yes. You need to stay away from the club. You can't be seen there if Moreno's on to you."

"But wouldn't he find that strange if I didn't appear there? What if that just solidifies his suspicions?"

"Kevin will still be there. Maybe he can steer Moreno's attention away from you."

"What if Kevin needs help?"

Javi looked out the windows, staring into the bullpen. Just looking at him made Alexis feel crappy. He was helping her and she hadn't done anything to deserve it.

"Stay in contact with him, but only through phone calls, okay?"

"Javi, I'm not sure if me stepping away is for the best, not when we're so close."

"Now is the best time. You're too invested in this and that could lead to you making a misstep."

Alexis sighed. "Javi—"

"If you don't steer clear of the club and I find out about it, I'll go to Beckett and tell her everything. If it meant keeping you out of harm's way, I wouldn't hesitate," Javi said, pointing his finger at her. Alexis wanted to say something, but Javi didn't look like he was done with her yet. "And you can get upset about this all you want, but I know that if the tables were turned, you would be doing the exact same thing to me. I'm your partner, Alexis. I have your back. Trust me."

Alexis swallowed and took a deep breath. Arguing with him now would just be a losing battle. If Beckett found out about, Alexis lose everything.

"Are you sure?" Alexis asked.

"Yes."

"You'd lie to Beckett?"

"You've been doing with no problem, so I don't think you get to judge me."

Alexis blinked, almost taken aback at Javi's dig, but she couldn't deny that it was valid. She nodded. "If you think it's for the best, I'm on board."

Javi sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I have to get back out there, but we'll discuss this further at a different time, yeah?"

Alexis nodded, before following Javi out of the break room. All things considered, their talk went as good as it could have.

Javi stopped a few feet ahead of her and then turned around. "I've got your back, but I want you to know that it's going to take some time for me to believe that you have mine."

"I understand." .

She didn't deserve him as a partner, but she was more than thankful that he was there when she needed him.

* * *

After coming clean to Javier, Alexis' days fell into a new, quiet routine. She kept her work inside the bounds of the precinct, only venturing out to investigate when Javier was with her. For the first week or so, he walked her to her car every night, or made she she got into her apartment safely at night, reminding her to never go anywhere alone. He was definitely a better partner than she deserved.

And either because Javier's borderline paranoid tactics worked, or because Moreno actually wasn't interested in her, things stayed quiet. She hadn't heard a peep from Kevin since he'd left her apartment after she'd come clean with him, too, though she still got audio recordings from the microphone she'd planted. She was surprised he hadn't removed it after how upset he'd gotten after learning that she'd interfered with his case.

It had gutted her to watch him leave her apartment, to hear him tell her that he couldn't be her partner, that he wouldn't help her anymore. Still, she at least knew he was still alive thanks to the recordings every evening. Maybe that's why he didn't remove the bug.

Her new honesty policy and her quiet routine were working. She was safe. She was repairing her partnership with Javier. She was keeping her distance from the man who had the power to make her completely come undone. And she was bored. It wasn't until her moonlighting and lies were taken away that she'd realized how closed off her life had become to anything but work. She should probably do something about that, maybe make a few relationships outside of Javi, her dad, and her grandmother. But now wasn't the time for that. Not when she was basically on house arrest or being babysat by her overprotective partner.

There was really only one release she had anymore. One vice that she wouldn't let go of. Her morning training sessions at the precinct sparring gym. And thanks to Javi's reluctance to let her go anywhere alone, even for the slightest amount of time, he was joining her every morning. It was probably good for them both to work off steam, her at her confinement, and him at her stupid decisions, but either way, her skills and the aches in her body had grown exponentially in the couple of weeks since she'd come clean. Though he was careful to not actually hurt her, Javi wasn't pulling his punches anymore. And she didn't really blame him.

She pulled into the precinct's parking garage just after five am and turned off the car, scanning the open space in front of the stairwell for her partner. He was supposed to meet her there, just like he did every morning, but he wasn't there. She checked her phone. There were no texts from him, no voicemail messages saying that he was running late. Had he slept in?

She called his phone, listening to the dial tone for a moment before she heard that familiar ringtone echoing dimly through the garage. He was here. Probably just walking up. She got out of the car, her gym bag in tow, the phone still in her hand. "Javi?"

She followed the sound of the ringtone, hairs rising in the back of her neck as her partner remained silent. "Really funny, Espo. You can come out now."

She rounded a row of cars closest to the sound, and her heart dropped into her stomach at the sight of her partner sprawled on the concrete. "Javi?" She dropped her things and rushed over to him, horror rising at the small pool of blood around his head. "Javi!"

She saw movement out of the corner of her eye, and reacted just in time to avoid the gun pointed at her. The gunshot echoed through the parking garage, leaving a dull ring in her ears. In a heartbeat, she took in her assailant's form: clack in black from head to toe. Her attacker was probably a man judging by the size of his frame, though she couldn't be sure with the ski mask he was wearing. Her muscles ached at the quick movement, but she didn't slow as she rushed her attacker, grasping his gun and yanking it away from her body as he pulled the trigger once more. Another echoing crack, this time just to the left of her face. Her right ear screamed at her, muting everything but that one high-pitched note.

In a series of moves that would have made Javi proud, she bent her attacker's wrist, forcing him to drop the gun, then kicked it under a car a few spaces away. The breath was knocked out of her lungs as her assailant's foot made contact with her abdomen, and her grip on him loosened as she instinctively curled forward. Her eyes caught on the flash of a knife, and she ducked sideways—just a moment too slowly. The tip of the knife skipped up the side of her forearm, sinking through her skin with a surgeon's precision.

She winced, glancing down at the thin line of blood beading on her skin.

"That's just a taste," her attacker sneered, and recognition hit her like ton of bricks.

"Seth." She backed up just a bit, her movement hindered by the car parked behind her.

"I knew you weren't just another subbie slut." He rushed forward, knife first, and once again Alexis was on the defensive. She dodged the initial jab of the knife, then caught his wrist as the knife made a second attempt for her body. It turned out that Moreno's hitman wasn't a fast learner, and she disarmed him using the same technique, this time catching the knife in her own hand and holding it out in front of her. She just had to stall. The gunshots, just seconds earlier, would have alerted the unis in the building. Help was on its way.

"You do this to Amelia, too?" She asked, watching Seth's body language.

"Who?"

This time, she took the offensive, cornering him against a cement pillar with the knife tip placed against his neck. "Amelia Parry," she spat. "Moreno got sick of her and ask you to tie up loose ends. Didn't he?"

"You're a crazy bitch, you know that?"

She let the tip of the knife dig into his neck, cutting through the ski mask like butter. "You haven't even seen crazy. Yet." She pushed a little harder. "Now tell me the truth!"

"-Lexis…" Javi slurred from his place on the pavement. "Don't."

Her eyes cut to the side, searching out her partner, and that was when Seth struck. He knocked her back, sending the knife tumbling to the pavement as his hand wrapped around her throat. Alexis clawed at his hands, kicking her legs out at him. He responded by lifting her and slamming her against the cement beam so hard her vision blurred for a moment. Her legs went slack, and her fingers slipped. The world around her took on a hazy quality as she saw Javier lumber to his feet behind them.

Her partner got the man in a headlock, yanking him away from Alexis, who fell to her knees, sputtering and coughing. By the time she caught her breath, Seth was unconscious, his mask pulled off, and Javier him pinned to the concrete with his arms behind his back. The door to the stairwell burst open as unis descended on the scene.

"Guess we know you're on Moreno's list now," Javier said.

* * *

It was hours later when Alexis found herself on Fenton O'Connell's doorstep, a duffle bag in hand. It was almost two am, and she had no way of knowing if he'd be home or not. He wasn't answering her calls or texts, but she could wait. She'd brought her lock picks along, and now that Moreno seemed to be good and truly out for her blood, now that Beckett knew the truth, she had all the time in the world.

There was no hiding the truth after an attempt had been made on both her and Javier's lives. So Alexis had come clean to Beckett about all of it: her unsanctioned undercover work at the club, Moreno and Seth, and Fenton O'Connell. Beckett's response had been to suspend her from active duty and suggest that she either leave town or accept a protection detail. Alexis couldn't blame her captain for the decision, and she felt more than a little guilty about her partner getting injured because of her lies. She also didn't want to leave the 12th down a couple unis thanks to her so-called protection detail. So her response had been to leave town, or, at least, to make it look like she'd left town.

The timing of Seth's attack proved that Moreno was having her watched. Her apartment wasn't safe, her workplace wasn't safe. She couldn't bring that kind of heat into her dad or grandmother's lives. So she made it look like she was visiting the Hamptons for a few days, till Beckett could wrap up the case she'd made such a monumental mess of. And then she'd stepped away from the neat trail she'd left for Moreno and whoever else was watching her, and she returned to town, not stopping until she reached Fenton's apartment. He wasn't answering her calls or texts, and she wouldn't rest until she knew he was safe.

She knocked on the door, her body aching at the moment. When there was no response, she knocked again. This time, she heard movement behind the door, and soon it cracked open to reveal a sleep-mussed, shirtless Kevin. He looked some strange combination of himself and his cover with the very real tattoo twining over his shoulder, the facial hair and more defined muscle than she remembered Kevin having, but his eyes were that same bright blue. He'd left the glasses and the colored contacts aside.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice rough, his eyes scanning over her.

Alexis took a breath. "Can I come in?"

"No."

"We need to talk."

"You've already said—"

"Dammit, Fenton," she lowered her voice, glancing around. She unbuttoned her coat and removed her scarf to show off the purple ring around her neck. She saw his eyes widen as he took it in.

His door swung open as he stepped closer to her. "Who did this to you?"

"Who do you think?"

His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his face, exhaling a long sigh. "Shit."

"I just want to talk," she tried again. "I'll get out of your hair once we're done, okay? You won't see me again. I promise."

His face tightened at her words, as if they pained him. Then he nodded and stepped aside so she could enter his apartment. "Let's talk."

* * *

Author's Note: Shoutout to ramennoodlebug, whose review earlier this evening made me laugh out loud. I hope you enjoyed the content and are no longer starving. :)

Please review!


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Kevin couldn't remember the last time he'd felt in control. Probably because he hadn't felt a single ounce of control since the night Alexis had walked into the club for the first time. He'd been grasping for that feeling of power and calm ever since. And now she was standing in front him, the woman who, time and time again, had been his undoing, the reason he'd accepted this assignment in the first place, the curse and blessing he could never seem to escape.

He locked the door and turned to face the redhead standing in the hallway of his apartment. He'd thought that maybe, just maybe, if he kept her at arms' length, found that distance, and let his alter ego run the show like old times, he'd be able to keep her safe and salvage this shitshow of an assignment. His eyes cut down to the burgundy stripe around her throat, and he blew out of a breath. He'd been wrong on all accounts. His alter ego had a poker face and a mean streak violent enough to keep most of the dirtbags he worked with at bay, but he wasn't heartless. Especially not where Alexis was concerned. And while Kevin Ryan fought the urge to pull the redhead into his arms, to breathe in the scent of shampoo and offer her whatever small measure of comfort that could be found, Fenton O'Connell wanted nothing more than to find Moreno and return the favor.

Once upon a time, he'd called Jenny his kryptonite. But that blonde bitch had nothing on the woman standing in front of him. When he'd failed Alexis and broken her trust in him, she'd broken his heart in return. When he tried to escape the mess he'd made, she'd dropped a bomb right in the middle of the assignment he'd been working on for the better part of a year. She'd reduced his ruthless alter ego to a purring kitten. He'd broken her trust a second time, and she'd spent weeks using him for intel. When the shit hit the fan, when she'd landed a bullseye on her own back and poisoned his assignment by association, she'd had the gall to ask him to be her partner.

And now she stood in front of him, bruised but not broken. Staring back at him with a pale face and sad, tired eyes. Risking both their lives to deliver whatever message she had to share. A Good Samaritan with a death wish, leaving a trail of chaos in her wake. Kevin knew was it was like to love and hate someone at the same time, but before now he'd never known what it was like to love someone and at the same time wish he'd never met them.

He rubbed his face. One of these days he'd love to get more than a few hours of sleep. "Moreno do that to you?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Seth."

"On Moreno's orders." It wasn't a question, and Alexis didn't justify it with a response.

"Come on," he sighed and walked into the kitchen. He pulled an old dishrag out of one of his kitchen drawers and reached into his freezer for a tray of ice cubes while Alexis sank into one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

"It happened at the precinct."

Kevin paused as he cracked a handful of ice cubes into the dishrag, his eyebrows raising at her statement. That was beyond ballsy. "When?"

"This morning." She paused. "Yesterday morning, I guess. I was meeting Esposito for one of our training sessions. He'd already gotten the drop on Javi." Her voice became rough. "But we got him. Together."

"Is Javi alright?"

"Just a bump on the head." She rested her head in her hands. "They've obviously been following me. The only time I've ever been alone in public was in the morning in the parking garage at the precinct. And Javi got caught in the crossfire. And now Beckett's put me on probation. Told me to leave town."

"I'm surprised she didn't give you a security detail."

"She offered one. But I don't want anyone else getting hurt because of me."

Except him, obviously. Kevin bit back a laugh and shook his head. He offered the rag full of ice cubes to her.

"What's so funny?" she asked, taking his offering and pressing the ice pack against her neck.

He chuckled again, and shook his head. "You. Us. This entire shitshow of a situation." Maybe the sleep deprivation was getting to him, or maybe he'd just run out of whatever sliver of patience he'd had left when he'd left her apartment the last time they'd spoken. "You don't want anyone getting hurt, yet you show up on my doorstep when think you're being followed?"

"I was attacked today, Kevin," she began.

"Well, I hate to say I told you so but—"

"What the hell is your problem?"

"What do you want from me, Alexis? Pity? You want me to feel bad for you? Poor little detective getting in over her head and pissing off the big bad drug lord?"

She blinked. "I don't want your pity. I just—"

"You just what? Want me to end up like Javi? Or worse?"

She stood up. "Why are you so angry at me?"

He laughed again, though he'd never found anything less funny. "You're really asking me that question right now? Guess you're the not the detective you thought you were, huh?"

"Screw you, Kevin." She tossed the ice pack at him and he batted it away. Ice cubes darted across the kitchen as he stepped forward, grabbing her by her forearms when she threw her hands up to stop him from coming any closer.

"No," he hissed. "Screw _you._ You brought this down on yourself. Hell, you brought this down on _me_. Do you know what it was like going to my handler and telling him that a detective from the NYPD has complicated, maybe even compromised, an investigation years in the making? Telling him that now I might even be compromised—thanks to our history. "

Her eyes widened. "You told him."

"Of course I told him. Because I actually believe in informing people when my decisions will affect them. I told him the night I walked out of your place. You know what he told me? To stay away from you and finish the job. And he and I can talk about whether or not I still have a future with the NYPD when the assignment is over. That's my happy ever after, Alexis. That's what I get for trying to help you on your stupid little after-hours job. And that's the greener side of the grass, isn't it? Because the other side ends with a bullet between my eyes." He shoved her back, and she stumbled till her back made contact with the wall. "You're so hellbent on this suicide mission of yours that you haven't taken a single second to consider who you might take down with you."

"If you have just been honest with me from the start, I wouldn't have messed up your assignment. You're not a victim here, Kevin. "

"Neither are you!" he shouted so loudly they both flinched. His let his fingers rake through his hair with a shaking hand. "You know, you never once apologized for all the shit you've done on this case. And you're not sorry, are you? Because it doesn't matter what you do or who hurts you or who gets caught in the crossfire, does it? You only care about your stupid vendetta."

"He's murdered at least two people, Kevin," she began, her voice low.

"I'm not hearing an apology, Alexis."

"I am sorry! I'm probably going to lose my job, and if I don't have that anymore . . . I am sorry, Kevin, but I have to take him down. This case . . . this is all I have left." Her eyes lifted to him, and horror struck him as he saw the certainty in her gaze.

"No, it's not—" he began.

"I know I'm putting you in more danger, but I had to make sure you were okay." She forced a smile to her lips and tried to turn away.

Kevin caught her arm. "Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean this case is all you have left?"

"I'm a detective, Kevin. And that's . . ." she blew out a breath. "That's pretty much all I've been for a while now."

"It's your job. It's not who you are."

"Yeah, it is."

"Since when?"

"Since I made the biggest mistake of my life." She cleared her throat and flashed him that pained smile. "Well, maybe the second-biggest mistake, recent events considered."

He stared at her, speechless.

"I'm gonna go now. Just . . . Be careful, Kevin." She let herself out of the apartment, allowing the door to swing shut behind her.

Kevin's mind raced with information she'd just shared. It was a puzzle too incomprehensible to parse. She didn't have anything but the case? Since when? She had a family, friends, people who loved her. Alexis had always been a bit of a workaholic, but back when they'd been together she'd been able to leave work at work. When they'd been together—

The puzzle pieces snapped together, and Kevin felt a wave of horror wash over him.

 _Some things can't be forgiven, you know. And some people don't deserve redemption._

 _I'm so sorry, Kevin. It was a mistake._

 _A pretty goddamn monumental mistake, don't you think?_

 _The biggest mistake I've ever made._

 _We were together for over a year, and now he hates me. I did something horrible, and I can't do anything about it._

 _I can handle myself._

 _Yeah, you did a great job of it when Seth and Dom were beating the hell out of you._

 _It's easier to let them believe I'm vulnerable._

 _You_ are _vulnerable._

 _I get results this way, Kevin. I get justice, and those families get closure—_

 _And you're gonna get a bullet in your goddamn head! What the hell is wrong with you that you are willing to kill yourself for a higher case closure rate?_

"Shit." He blew out a breath, squeezing his eyes shut against the terrible certainty weighing down his mind. "Shit!" Then he was in motion. "Alexis!" he called as he raced down the hallway and swung the front door open. "Alexis!"

She was gone.

* * *

Alexis made it to the parking lot before allowing herself to feel all everything she'd been pushing back in Kevin's apartment. She blinked rapidly, resting her forehead against the steering wheel as self-loathing consumed her. Tears slipped down her face while she replayed every single one of Kevin's accusations. All of his grievances against her and every decision she'd made since she'd landed the case.

And the worst part was, he was right. He was right about all of it. She'd screwed up. She'd been selfish and reckless, and everywhere she looked all she could see was the damage she'd left behind. And she had nothing to show for it. Moreno was still at-large, threatening her and the people she cared about. Amelia was still cold in her grave, and her family was still waiting for justice that Alexis couldn't seem to deliver, no matter how hard she tried.

Being a detective was the only thing she'd been able to take pride in, the only thing that helped her get out of bed in the morning and feel like worthwhile human. And now she couldn't even do that right. She sniffled and wiped her tear-stained face. She deserved to lose her job once everything was said and done.

"Don't cry, sweetheart."

Alexis' head shot up, and she saw Dominic's face grinning in her rear-view mirror. Then pain crashed across her skull, and everything went black.

* * *

Author's Note: Dun dun dun... :)


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Javi couldn't get Alexis on the phone. He'd been discharged from the hospital just in time to get a very angry call from Captain Beckett concerning Alexis' involvement in an ongoing murder investigation and undercover narcotics operation. After getting reamed by his boss, Javi had tried to call Alexis. No answer. Hours had passed, and when she hadn't checked in with Captain Beckett at her safehouse like she'd promised to, Javi began to allow himself to worry. Her phone was turned off; there would be no tracking her that way. It was nearing thirty-six hours since she'd left Kevin's apartment, and nobody had any idea where she was.

Reaching out to Kevin was necessary, given that he knew more about Moreno than the police did. He'd had one-on-one conversations with the guy, so having Kevin involved helped immensely, but Javi couldn't lie when he said that he had a hard time looking at Kevin they way that he used to.

After Alexis' purging session, where Javi learned more than he wanted about Kevin and Alexis' personal interactions, he found it hard to look him in the eye. He had to remind himself he was doing it for Alexis. Plus, it wasn't like Javi's opinion on the matter would matter much anyway.

It was too hard to believe that Moreno had nothing to do with it. He was the only one out there who had a real and clear motive to go after her. And it seemed to lazy to assume that Alexis was at home asleep and had her phone turned off. But that hadn't stopped him from making a trip to her place. He'd knocked until his knuckles hurt and then he'd asked fellow tenants if they had seen her, but nobody had anything to say.

They'd even contacted her father, but he didn't have any light to shed on her sudden disappearance. With each dead end, Javi grew more and more edgy.

Kevin seemed cool on the outside, like he had everything under control and knew what the hell was going on, but Javi knew Kevin more than most did, so he knew that if Kevin was trying so hard to look that good on the outside that he was just as nervous as everyone else was on the inside.

They had yet to talk, but that was mostly because Captain Beckett was running the show for the moment and when she was talking, people listened carefully. They were working the case as they worked every other case they had, which meant that Javi and a few other detectives had been the phones calling everyone they knew Alexis had been in contact with.

Javi didn't understand just how much of a workaholic Alexis had turned into until he'd heard more than a couple of her friends say that they hadn't heard from Alexis in months. He knew that she'd been working hard and respected that, but knowing that she was blocking people out of her life, it made Javi feel like he should have known that Alexis was shutting herself in. He knew she'd taken her break up with Kevin pretty hard, but he always suspected that she had a few close friends to talk to about it. Apparently he had been wrong.

He knew that certain cases were more intense and physically demanding than others, but he didn't know that Alexis would bury herself so deep that she would lose herself. He felt like he should have done something with him being her partner. Maybe if he had, she wouldn't be in whatever position she was currently in.

While Beckett updated everybody in on all the information they had so far, Javi kept his eyes on Kevin, who was standing on the opposite side of the room, staring at board as Beckett pointed.

Kevin wasn't exactly the same Kevin everyone was used to seeing. A lot about his appearance had changed, which made sense, but it still left Javi feeling a little uneasy. He was dressed nicely as Kevin was known to do, but that was just one piece of the man standing there. He was wearing glasses, his hair was styled in a sloppier fashion than what Kevin liked and his eyes were different too. Brown eyes had made contact with Javi's only a couple of times. Kevin was wearing contacts.

He clearly wasn't half-assing anything. Then again, Javi wasn't truly looking at Kevin, the man that he had been friends with for years, no, this man was Fenton O'Connell and he and Kevin were almost nothing alike.

Whether he understood it or not, Javi had to respect Kevin's determination and dedication to his job. Not even Javi knew he could be as versatile as his former partner. No wonder Alexis didn't notice him at first. He looked like Kevin, but at the same time he was nothing like the man who had been his best friend.

Beckett and Kevin's boss wanted to stay in character, just in case things went sideways. He had to look and act the part.

Captain Beckett directed attention to Kevin and everyone turned to look at him. As he began to talk, Javi noticed a change in his voice. He probably knew that he didn't have to keep his accent in front of them. While he talked to everyone about the man in question, Javi listened carefully, but in the back on his mind all he could think was had Kevin really been working undercover in a BDSM club? Of course, it was true, but it was still a lot to take in.

Javi was no prude, but he couldn't wrap his head around it. Not only did Kevin do it for a case, but he also used as way to protect Alexis. Javi had his own thoughts about that though. Maybe Kevin did it as a way to get close to Alexis again. He was broken when their relationship ended; maybe Fenton helped more than Kevin though he would.

Once Kevin was done filling in the room on everything that he knew, Beckett released everyone for the time being, but that didn't mean that their job was done.

Kevin's boss and Beckett entered her office and while everyone else scrambled back to their desks, Javi noticed that he and Kevin were left alone, standing a mere three feet away from each other.

He didn't want to force a conversation that might get a little too awkward, but how could he not something to the man he hadn't seen in almost a year?

"Hey, man. Long time no see."

"Yeah, well, I've been busy," he said, gesturing to his new look.

"I can tell." Javi nodded, before continuing. "You're not wearing as much product in your hair as when I last saw you."

"Well, some of us don't need it."

Javi shook his laugh with a chuckle. "So, you think this is tied to your case?"

"I do and you do too, don't you?"

"I do. I can't think of any other reason for her to just be out there and not communicating to anyone."

"She check in a lot?"

"Usually. I didn't want to jump the shark, but after I couldn't get ahold of her, my mind just went to Moreno."

"She tell you a lot about him?"

"No more than you have."

"What else did she tell you? I mean about how she met him and everything?"

"You mean about her time at the club?"

Kevin nodded.

"It's where our vic frequented and she had a hunch her murder was tied to someone there. Guess she was right."

Kevin nodded again. "Anything else?"

Javi looked at him and sighed, knowing that they were about to breach awkward territory.

"Yeah, she told me quite a bit," he said, not really looking in Kevin's direction.

Kevin dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, listen, about that. I just want you to know that I don't go to those places for fun, man. I was there because of a case—"

"I know. You don't need to explain that to me. I get it."

"Good."

Biting his tongue may have been a good choice, but he knew Kevin, and felt like they could talk freely with one another. They always had before. "What I don't entirely get is why you weren't upfront with Alexis from the drop. Would it have been so hard to tell her the truth about who you really were?"

"After what we went through, I knew that telling her the truth would have pushed her away. Hell, I may have pushed her towards Moreno towards the beginning, so . . ."

"So, what? You get a free pass for lying to her?"

"She knows now, Javi."

"I know that she knows, but that doesn't make up for all the times that she didn't know and you were able to . . . do whatever it was that you guys did."

"I get that."

"And what, it doesn't matter? She should just forgive you and move on?"

"You sound like her father, Javi."

"I'm her partner and friend. I care about her."

"Why didn't you know about her coming to the club for so long, if you're such a great friend?"

Javi blinked, a little taken aback. "Seriously? You're going there?"

"No, I'm just saying that if you're going to put me under the spotlight, maybe you should be put there, too."

Javi took a step back for a moment, trying to not to let his emotions drive the conversation, because that might just lead to a real argument and that wasn't what was needed at that particular moment.

"I'm not her babysitter."

"No, you're not. You are supposed to have her back though. You never found anything weird about her behavior over the past months?"

"I chalked it up to her being so broken up about what happened between the two of you."

"All I'm saying is that someone had to be there to watch her back and that responsibility landed on my shoulders, and I think I did a decent job of that."

"You call this a decent job? Really? She's missing, Kevin. Where were you? Because you didn't have her back when she really needed it." Javi was no longer worried about who may or may not be able to hear them. He needed to get it off of his chest. "Where were you, Kevin? Or am I talking to someone else right now? Let me know."

The other man didn't say anything, but the look in his eyes let Javi know that he wasn't impressed with the conversation so far.

Javi decided to up the stakes. "Does Fenton O'Connell's version of having someone's back mean that it's okay to take advantage? Was the decent thing to do? Because to me, it seems like all you cared about was getting you wanted out of it. If you truly cared, why weren't you there when she actually needed you?"

All throughout the bullpen, there were multiple eyes looking in the direction of Javi and Kevin, who were standing face to face. It was deadly silent as Javi's words lingered in the air.

As Javi's words settled, Kevin's head tilted to the side. "Well to answer your question in regards to who you are speaking to, it's Kevin. You wouldn't want to talk to the other guy. He's not as restrained as I am." Kevin straightened his back and held his head up high. "What happened between Alexis and I is between us. I don't owe you an explanation. I don't owe anyone in here an explanation. I did what I did because it was what was best for Alexis."

"You mean it was what was best for you, right?"

"Again, I don't have to answer to you, but you on the other hand, have a lot to answer for. I'm not her partner, you are, yet you didn't know what she had been doing for the last couple of months and even after everything was out in the open, you still managed to not protect her from the one man who was gunning for her, so I suggest that you take your attitude with me elsewhere, because it isn't relevant to the case. What is relevant is that Alexis is gone and her partner wasn't there for her." Kevin backed away and snickered. "I mean, seriously, you knew that Moreno was after her, so why didn't she have a security detail on her? You just let her walk out of here and thought that she'd be okay? I may have lied to Alexis, but I've been protecting her more than anyone else has."

Before Javi could process what had happened, he found himself in Kevin's face with his finger against the man's chest.

"If that were true, we wouldn't be in this situation, would we?"

"Wow, you really can't take responsibility, can you?"

"I take responsibility for not being more involved, but you need to take your share of responsibility, too. The facts are that she ended up in Moreno's sights because of her work at the club. Why didn't you just confess from the beginning who you really were? Why didn't you out her so that she wouldn't be able to show her face in that club? Was that ever an option that entered your brain?" Javi heard a door opened from behind him and in the back of his mind he knew who it was, but he didn't let himself stop. "Preach all you want, but her safety wasn't your top priority. The only thing that you cared about was yourself! Sure, you saved her from some guys who could have been the killer, but you didn't do it because you're a stand up guy, because if that were the case you never would have touched her!"

With all the adrenaline pumping through his veins, Javi didn't feel the full impact of Kevin's fist connecting with his nose.

Not even a second later, before Javi had time to reciprocate, they were being separated.

"Alright, guys! That's enough." Beckett voice rang out throughout the bullpen. She was stand between them, one hand on each of their chests. "Don't you think that we have more pressing issues to be dealing with right now? Don't forget what is most important at this moment. This is about finding Alexis and bringing in Moreno, not whatever this thing is between you two."

Blood appeared on Javi's hand as he held it up to his right nostril. He looked over at his attacker to see him with his glasses in hand as the other moved through his stupidly styled hair.

Javi wanted to respond, but he didn't know what to say. Beckett was right.

"Figure out what it is that you need to figure out or I'll be forced to pull you off the case." The last part of her statement was meant for Javi. "And if I see one more outburst from you, you'll only be consulting on this case, got it?" Both men stood there, not saying a word. "Do you understand what I'm saying or not?" Beckett repeated her voice loud and firm.

"Yes, Captain," Javi replied.

"Yes, Captain Beckett," Kevin confirmed with his head down.

"Good! Now deal with your problems after we have Alexis in custody and Moreno in handcuffs!"

* * *

Waking up and not remembering where you were or how you got there had never been part of Alexis' plans, but that hadn't stopped it from happening. She was blindfolded. That wasn't a good sign. She tried to move her arms and legs and found them bound. Another bad sign.

"Struggle all you want, Detective. I quite enjoy a show." The voice sent chills down her spine. She would have recognized it anywhere.

"Well congratulations, for you," she said, sitting up straighter in the chair. This was the man who had upended her life. The man she'd been trying to pin for months. And not only had she failed spectacularly, it looked like she would be his next victim. She was done. With all of it. Either way, Moreno was going to kill her, so why even try to plead with him? Why give him the satisfaction?

"Are you feeling feisty?"

"I just want you to get to the point." Alexis shrugged. "I mean, clearly you want me dead, so I don't know why you're going through the trouble of tying me up."

"I like to play with my food first."

"You know that's going to be your undoing one of these days, don't you?"

"It's served me well so far."

She lifted her chin, trying desperately to feel strong. "Well, now you're dealing with me."

Moreno let out a laugh, showing how comical he found Alexis' behavior. She knew that in some sick and twisted way he was getting a kick out of it.

"And you, what are you going to do?"

"Me? Nothing. I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to have to do anything at all. Your other victims were nothing like me. They were people that you tricked and then controlled through intimidation, but that's not going to happen with me."

Her voice exuded confidence, but deep down, Alexis had no way of knowing whether she would make it out alive or not, but sitting there she thought about Amelia and how scared Amelia had to have felt when Moreno came after her, so she Alexis wasn't being brave for herself, she was being brave for every single person Moreno tired to intimidate. Whether he killed her or not, Alexis vowed to never show an ounce of fear.

Moreno suddenly moved forward and yanked off her blindfold. She blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the bright light. As it all became clearer, giving Alexis a view of her surroundings.

She knew immediately where she was. She'd been here before. She looked down at the chair that belonged to Fenton O'Connell. He'd taken her to Fenton's office. She almost laughed as she remembered some special about where she was. "Why did you bring me here?" she asked.

"It hasn't escaped my notice how much time you've been spending here. It makes poetic sort of sense for your last moments to be spent here."

She shook her head. "You're framing Fenton."

He shrugged. "Guilty as charged."

A weight had been lifted from her. Moreno wouldn't make it out of this, even if he did kill her, because this specific office was bugged. She'd placed the device there herself. She wasn't going to die without getting justice for Amelia.

"What are you smiling about?" he frowned.

She shook her head. "If you're trying to scare me, you're doing a piss poor job of it."

Moreno looked at her, all traces of amusement erased from his face. "Let's see if I can change that."

Alexis continued to stare him down, not wavering as Moreno pulled a switchblade out of his back pocket. Her stomach dropped.

He placed one hand on the back of her head, digging his fingers into her hair to get a good handful and then held the steel to Alexis' face. He stared down at her, his expression stoic.

"You do have a pretty face, Detective, so please don't make me do too much damage." He dragged the blade down her face, not cutting her, but it was still feeling her with dread. He brought the blade down toward her neck, pulling her head back with a harsh yank. "Is there anything that you want to tell me?"

"Just that you desperately need to get better at your interrogation skills."

Somewhere Javi, Beckett, and possibly even Kevin himself was looking for her and when they didn't get there in time, they would still find her recording and they'd know that she didn't get this piece of shit anything that he wanted.

She felt a sense of pride that she was the one sitting in the chair with this mad man holding a knife on her, and yet she held all the power. No matter what, he wouldn't walk away with any information.

He pressed the cold steel against her throat, making her jerk slightly. "You might want to watch your mouth." He threatened and then stared her down. "What does the NYPD have on me?"

Alexis looked back at him, not saying a word. His grip tightened and Alexis let out a bitter growl. "Tell me about Amelia and maybe I'll talk."

"You're not in the position to negotiate."

"Then you'll just have to find yourself another detective to threaten, because I'm not telling you anything until you answer my questions."

Moreno pursed his lips and Alexis gave breathy laugh. "What? If you're such a badass why don't you just kill me and find someone else?"

"You are going to tell me everything that I want to know. Drop this silly act, because it isn't fooling me."

"You really picked the wrong person to grab. I've been burned before, and nothing you can do can even come close to that pain, so what exactly do I have to be afraid of?" Alexis asked, just before Moreno nicked her neck a little with the knife. She let out a tiny gasp, but pressed on. "Amelia. Tell me why you did it?"

"Did what?"

"Why did you kill her?"

"Why do you care?"

"Answer my question."

"She got what was coming to her."

Alexis closed her eyes, and fighting a grimace. She needed a confession and that wasn't even close to what she wanted to hear come out of his mouth.

"You'll be answering my questions now," he said.

"What was it? Did she tease you about your abnormally small dick?"

The steel was gone from her throat, but not even a second later, she felt the brute force of his fist slamming into the side of her face. Her head snapped back, and she let out a groan of pain, surprised that she hadn't been knocked out. Her cheekbone was on fire, her eyelid was rapidly swelling shut, and she thought he might have broken something. She hissed out a breath, then shouted as her head was yanked back again.

"Keep using that mouth and I'll find another purpose for it," Moreno promised.

"Is that . . . Is that what you did to Amelia?"

"Part of it, yes."

"What did you do to her?"

"The same thing I'm going to do to you."

"Then why am I not afraid?"

"Because you're too stupid to know any better," he spat before wrapping his hand around her neck and squeezing. His fingers pressed into the bruises Seth had left not three days earlier. Alexis couldn't help it as she jerked and thrashed around, trying to him off of her. She needed a confession and that wasn't going to happen if she got herself killed before he spilled his guts.

"Tell me what I want to know!" he shouted and then let go of her roughly, causing her whole body to jerk backwards.

She coughed and coughed until air started returning back to her lungs. She took deep breaths as Moreno stared at her.

"I will not hesitate in making you feel real pain." Suddenly the blade was on her was being dragged down the front of her shirt. "Do I have to do that?" he asked. "Or will you tell me what I need to know?"

"What do you want?"

"I want to know what they know about me. What do they have on me? What have you told them? Tell me. I can either make this as painless as possible for you or I can make you beg for death." He fisted the sliced material near the neckline of her sweater and ripped it open. The tip of his knife traced the edge of her bra, every so often scratching the surface of her skin. Alexis felt goosebumps rise on her skin, and without warning the knife skipped upward and sliced through the flesh just underneath her collarbone.

"They don't know anything!" The cut was shallow; it hurt like hell, but it wouldn't bleed too much. Moreno probably didn't want her to bleed out before he got his information.

"I don't believe that." He cut another line across her chest and she bit her lip to hold back a scream.

"They know that I was looking at you as a suspect, but that I had to let you go because I didn't have evidence. You're off their radar," she lied, gasping against the pain.

"Really?"

"I mean, I did try to tell them about you, but they wouldn't believe me. I was like the girl who had cried wolf too many times." Another thought rushed to the forefront of her mind. "They're after Fenton. They think he's the one who killed Amelia."

Moreno let the bloodied knife traced up the bruised column of her neck. "Why should I believe you?"

"Because if they knew about you, then you would have never had the chance to grab me. They would have gotten to you first."

Moreno smiled and Alexis knew that he was actually buying the bullshit she was selling him. He got close to Alexis' face. "Since you were so nice, how about I have some fun with you, hm?"

"Did you do that to Amelia, too?" She kept saying her name, because Moreno needed to hear it. Alexis couldn't let him forget her name. Amelia deserved more than that.

"You don't need to worry about that."

Alexis bit her bottom lip as she watched Moreno roam his eyes over her body. "I was a little jealous that Fenton got to keep you to himself. You would have made the perfect little sub for me, wouldn't you?" he cooed at her and Alexis tried not to vomit in her mouth.

She met his eyes, taking in the grin on his face. The look of a man who expected to get everything he wanted."I know you did it," she snarled. "I read her journal. I know you lured her in. I know you raped her. And I know you slapped that collar on her throat and watched her suffocate. It wasn't Fenton. It was you. You murdered Amelia Parry."

Moreno narrowed his gaze at her. The blade dragged against her skin again, looking for a new home within her flesh, and Alexis fidgeted and tried to get her hands free from their confines.

"Smart detective," he murmured. "I took what I wanted, and when I was done, I cut her loose. I watched the life leave her sweet little body."

Tears sprang to her eyes, and relief washed over her. Her body was coiled, tight and shaking with fear, but it didn't matter because she'd just gotten Moreno's confession on record.

He gripped her chin, forcing her to look up at him as he pressed the blade against her pulse point. "And I'm going to do the same to you."

* * *

Author's Note: Things are getting pretty tense here for our favorite characters... Please review!


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

Alexis didn't see his fist coming, but even if she had, it wouldn't have mattered. Pain lanced through her skull as his fist made contact, not once, or twice, but three times with her face in a volley that had her head snapping left and right with each blow. Her vision whited out for a moment and her ears began to ring. Alexis could feel something running down her face. Blood. He'd broken skin.

Everything was blurry, but she had heard Moreno's threat. It was over for her. She was going to die at the hands of this psychopath, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. But at least she wouldn't die in vain. And Amelia hadn't either. She had his confession. She had what she'd needed all along to bring him down. No matter what happened next, Alexis could at least take comfort in that.

As her brain slogged through the pain to catch up with the present, she felt Moreno's hand cup her breast. His other hand picked up the knife again. "I'm torn. I don't know if I want to cut your clothes off or cut into your flesh. Do you have any preferences?"

Alexis didn't respond. He could say or do whatever he wanted. She wanted him to keep talking, because when he would be taken to court, what he said would be played in front of a judge and the jury. She didn't need to say another word.

"You'd have to be something very special if Mr. O'Connell wanted you all to himself. He wouldn't have kept you around just because you have pretty face." Moreno looked her in the eyes, after scanning her face. "Well, used to have a pretty face."

Alexis swallowed and the blade moved across her skin. He moved the blade down her body. "I can see that these little cuts are not getting me anywhere, so why don't I crank up the intensity."

The blade ended up in Alexis' thigh. She threw her head back with a scream and then looked down to assess what she already knew. Blood was already starting to pool beneath the material of her jeans.

Moreno's face got close to Alexis. "I love hearing those noises. Should I keep them coming?"

He yanked the blade back out and Alexis screamed again and tried to brace herself for whatever he planned to do with her. She knew he'd get bored soon enough. Stabbing and killing wasn't good enough. Moreno needed to violate and torture his victims in every way that he could. He wiped the blade off on the material of her shirt and smiled. "You don't have anything to say to me?"

Alexis looked him in the eyes, squinting around the blood that was sliding down her face. Moreno liked to play with his food, but Alexis wasn't sure how much more she could take. She spat in his face.

"Bitch." He wiped his face. "You will regret that." He stepped behind her and cut through her restraints. Alexis jerked forward, intent on running, fighting, anything but sitting in that goddamn chair for another minute. Fire pulsed through her leg the moment she put pressure on it, and she crumpled to the floor, just barely catching herself on her hands and knees. Her head spun at the sudden shift in position, and she tried to crawl forward. Moreno's foot made contact with her abdomen and she crumpled onto the carpet, curling in on herself with a whimper.

"Nice try." He grabbed her around the waist and shoved her backward onto Fenton's desk. Office supplies tumbled off the top, and she reached around wildly, trying to find something to use as a weapon. His fist made contact with her face again and her head snapped back against the wooden surface with a crack.

The world around her blurred and darkened, sounds muffled, sensations muted. For a long string of seconds, she floated in a space away from terror, away from pain. Then, with a gasp, she slid back to reality when she felt the cold edge of his knife cutting away her shirt and bra, nicking her skin along the way. Her jeans were gone, and she could feel the blood trickling down her thigh. Her head spun, and the throbbing pain across her body was so intense she could barely think. Each breath dragged through her lungs before being kicked out in a whimper. She sounded like a wounded animal.

"There she is," Moreno mused. He flipped her over and yanked the remnants of her shirt and bra off of her then shoved her back down onto the desk. Her forehead rested on the desk and her legs began to shake. Her left thigh was killing her and she wasn't sure just how much blood was dripping down her leg.

She heard the clank of his belt and the hum of his zipper and tried to push herself up, tried again to fight, tried to escape the fate that was right in front of her. One of Moreno' hands grabbed her by the back of her neck and pushed her face-down against the desk. A cry tore out of her throat at the unforgiving pressure on her bruised and broken face.

"Make this easy on yourself, Detective." He released the back of her neck and let his fingers trail down her bare spine. Alexis stayed perfectly still as his hands ran up and down her thighs. The motion and the knowledge that those hands killed an innocent woman, and most likely more, made her feel sick. What was the point in fighting anymore?

"Such a good girl," Moreno cooed.

When his fingers slid into the waistband of her panties, she bit her bottom lip, not making a sound. She didn't want to give him what he was expecting. A sob built in her throat, but she held it back. She let her eyes close and tried to find anything to grab onto that would make all just a little less dreadful.

"Such a beautiful body. I'll hate seeing it go to waste after I'm through with you." He placed his hands on her back. "Fenton do this with you in here?" he asked.

Alexis closed her eyes tighter and she saw a face, not the face of Fenton, but of Kevin. He was smiling at her. The kind of smile that used to give her butterflies. She felt lucky for all the times she'd been able to make that smile appear. She thought of Kevin as Moreno's hands drifted to her hips. Waking up next to Kevin, just staring at his face as he slept. She remembered falling asleep in his arms, his scent relaxing her. She remembered every time he'd made her laugh. She remembered every sweet word he'd spoken to her.

It was funny to think that she had thrown it all away out of something as childish as jealousy. That would be one of the regrets that she had. Maybe the one thing she wished she could have gone back and fixed. Maybe she should have fought harder for him. Maybe she could have said something that would have changed it. Maybe she could have still fixed things with Kevin.

Not that it mattered, because she'd never be able to speak with him again.

She would never be able to talk to Kevin and tell him that she was sorry for throwing their relationship away. She wouldn't be able to tell him that she had never stopped loving him, even after she found out the truth about Fenton.

This murderer was taking that away from her. He wasn't just taking Kevin away, but Javi as well. Javi was the best partner she could have asked for. He always told her what he felt was right, whether she wanted to hear it or not, but he was also one of the sweetest people that she had ever met. She would never get to see Javi again. Who would have his back once she was gone?

Who would watch over her father? Did he have anyone else that cared about him? How would he take the news? How would he move forward? What if he slipped back into old habits? Who would be there to save him?

A sob left Alexis' lips, and her teeth gritted together in rage and despair. Moreno's lips touched Alexis' shoulder blade and in that moment she made a decision. If Moreno was going to take all of that away from her, if he was going to take the people she loved away from her, he wasn't going to take them without one more fight.

She was going to show him that she wasn't just a body for him to use and dump into a ditch somewhere. She needed him to know that the life she had built and the relationships that she had made were worthy of a fight and whatever pain came, it would be worth it.

Moreno's breath spread over her spine, and she slammed her head back as hard and quickly as she could. She heard him graon and if Alexis could've mustered a smile, she would have. Instead, she turned around as quickly as she could and kneed him between the legs.

"You fucking bitch!" He lunged for Alexis, smacking her back into the desk. His mouth was spewing what seemed like every slur he could think of, but it didn't matter to her. She fought against him and as soon as his head fell to her shoulder in an attempt to keep her still, she turned her head and bit down on his ear as hard as she could. Blood filled her mouth, and when he yanked his body away from hers, a little bit of flesh remained in her mouth.

She spat out the delicate cartilage, and Moreno grabbed her around the waist and threw her over the desk. Air rushed out of her lungs when her broken body hit the floor, and white-hot pain seared up her arm. She couldn't move her wrist without the pain blinding her.

Moreno walked across the room to stand over her body, Alexis could only shift slightly, but enough for her to look up at him. Her eyes only widened a little as she saw the look of pure rage on his face and the gun in his hand.

"You think you can fight me and win?" he yelled, making her flinch. "My fun is over and now so is your life."

He lifted the gun, cocked it, and pointed it right at Alexis' head. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and the same three faces kept coming to mind over and over again as if they were being played on a loop—

A loud boom echoed through the room. "NYPD! Put your hands up! Now!" Javi's voiced rang through the room, so loud that it felt like the room was shaking. Alexis blinked, her pain-dulled mind struggling to understand how her partner could be standing in the room, his gun locked on Moreno. And he wasn't alone.

Kevin.

Alexis focused on the blue eyes staring back at her, the eyes of the man that she loved. Something flashed in his eyes as he took her in. He shifted his gaze to Moreno, his eyes narrowing.

Could this be real? Or was her mind playing tricks on her? She closed her eyes and opened them again, only to see the same scene before her that she had before. They were actually there.

As she stared at the men across the room, Moreno took in the man to the right. He blinked and then smirked. "Mr. O'Connell, I think perhaps we've not been honest with each other."

"Put the gun down, or I'll use mine to put you down!" Kevin snarled.

"No, you won't." Moreno looked back at Alexis. He still had his gun pointed at her head. "You wouldn't risk her life just to be able to take mine. I've seen you around her. She's special to you."

"We won't ask again," Javi said. "Put. The. Gun. Down."

"No can do, Detective," Moreno said, letting out a little smile. "If this ends with me dead on the floor, I'm not going to be the only one who doesn't make it out."

It all happened so fast that Alexis almost didn't have time to react. One moment, she was watching as Moreno took a step toward her and then Kevin was tackling him to the ground.

She flinched as a weight settled across her shoulders and looked up, her head pounding at the movement, to see her partner kneeling down next to her.

"I got you," Javi said gently, wrapping his coat around her. "Let's get you out of here."

A shot went off, making both of them flinch. She watched as Kevin and Moreno fought each other. The shot must have gone wide. It was a mad scramble to see who would overpower the other. Alexis scanned the room and saw a gun sitting on the ground. It must have been Kevin's, because Moreno still had his in his hands. Had he knocked Kevin's gun from his hands?

She could almost hear words that Javi was whispering in her ears, but she couldn't focus on anything but the scene in front of her. Kevin had managed to gain control. He was on top of Moreno, punching him in the face again and again and again.

Another shot went off, throwing Kevin off guard long enough for Moreno to knock Kevin backward. He pointed the gun at Kevin's head and Alexis screamed.

"No! Not him. Kill me!" she pleaded, not sure how she was able to find her words so quickly. Where was their backup?

Alexis knew that Javi had his gun, but that he couldn't raise it with Moreno watching their every move.

"I'll kill you, bitch, but not before I kill them, too!" He laughed, delighted with how the tables had turned. "Who should I start with? The narc or the detective?"

The gun moved in slow motion as he turned toward her. Her eyes followed the barrel, and her heart skipped into overtime when she realized who it was pointed didn't think; she didn't have the time. She propelled her body sideways, and before the bullet could hit Javi, it struck her instead.

Her body fell back against Javi's and her breath caught on a cry. The pain in her head, her cuts, her arm, and her leg were nothing compared to the feeling that she'd been ripped in two. Her shaking hands pressed against her abdomen and met warm, fresh blood.

The full force of the NYPD rushed into the room then, and somewhere in the back of her mind, away from the overwhelming sensation of her body shutting down, she heard Beckett's voice reading Moreno his Miranda rights.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Javi asked, and his voice cracked a little. She opened her eyes, meeting his chocolate-brown gaze.

"You're my partner."

Suddenly Kevin appeared in front of her, his eyes wild, and his face pale. "Alexis?" He lifted her hand away from her abdomen, and more blood gushed down her skin. "Oh, Princess." His own hands covered the bullet wound, pressing firmly. Alexis whimpered out a ragged breath.

"Let's lay her down."

They shifted her body onto the floor, and Alexis let out a cry. The adrenaline had all but dried up, and she was left with the damage Moreno had left behind. Tears slipped down the sides of her face and she breathed shallowly, each inhale a unique kind of agony, each exhale a whine.

"Hang on, okay? Help is on the way," Kevin said as he saw the damage that Javi's coat didn't cover. He didn't say anything, but she saw the raw grief in his expression. She knew the truth. She wasn't going to make it.

"We got him," she said, her voice breathless and uneven. A smile pulled at her bruised lips at that victory. "He confessed." She breathed out as the world started to blur around her. "Thank you both for t-trying to save me."

"Don't talk like that," Javi said.

She blinked a few times, her mouth forming a rebuttal, but she couldn't quite find the words.

"Alexis?" Kevin said, his voice far away. "Alexis, talk to me!"

Her eyes locked onto his, and she saw the tears in his eyes. She saw his lips forming words she was too far away to hear. And then her eyes fluttered shut and darkness wrapped around her once more.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

His Princess was dying.

Kevin was glued to a chair in the waiting room, his hands still stained red with her blood. With every other breath, he saw the blood spreading out across her abdomen. He saw her face go ashen as she collapsed backward into Javi. He heard her frantic murmuring about the recording device underneath the desk. "We got him," she'd whispered as she bled out in front of him, as he held pressure on that hole that had been torn through her. "He confessed." She had to have been in pain, but blood painted her triumphant smile just before her eyes lost focus, before she went limp in Javi's arms.

He drew in ragged breath, his red eyes locked on the doors to the emergency room waiting area. Once upon a time, he'd thought not telling her about Jenny was the worst mistake he'd ever made with her. But that petty bullshit paled in comparison to seeing her broken and bruised, it was nothing compared to watching Moreno's bullet tear through her flesh and knowing it was his fault.

He hadn't protected her. He should have protected her. She never should have even been in that office. None of this should have ever happened.

"Here." A styrofoam cup was held out in front of him as Javi watched him wearily. Kevin took the cup, but didn't drink it. The warmth seeped into his cold hand, smearing blood across the white surface.

Javi took a seat next to him, looking more haunted than Kevin had ever seen him. "Beckett called Alexis' dad. He's on his way."

"Okay."

Silence settled in between the two men. The last time they'd spoken alone, Javier had punched him in the face. They'd said things to each other that they'd never be able to take back, placed blame on each other's shoulders in an effort to avoid their own guilt.

"You were right," Javier said suddenly. "I should have protected her. I should have . . ." his voice shook. "She never should have taken that bullet for me."

"It's not your fault," Kevin said automatically, ignoring the way his alter ego called him a liar. His assignment was over, but Fenton had never been closer, and the darker side of Kevin wanted blood. Moreno's. Javier's. Even Kevin's. Anyone would do. Fenton wanted to bleed the world dry until its penance had been paid. Nothing less than Kevin's years of control in stressful experiences had kept his alter ego from murdering Moreno with his bare hands. Kate's timely entrance on the scene had probably helped, too. Fenton had never truly known fury until he'd been a bystander to that bullet tearing through Alexis' body.

"That's a nice thing to say, bro, but I think we both know that's not true."

Kevin just looked down at the bloodstained coffee cup, then back up at the door. Willing it to open. Willing the trauma surgeon to come through and tell them that Alexis had made it through surgery. That she was going to survive.

Fenton might be happy blaming Javier, but Kevin knew the man wasn't to blame. Javier hadn't been the one spending nights with her for months. Javier hadn't been the one who'd caught her playing where she shouldn't and who, instead of sending her away, had pulled her even deeper into a dangerous situation. Javier sure as shit wasn't the one who'd sent her away when she'd come to him for help, for safety.

The door swung open, and Kevin was on his feet in a moment, disappointment knocking the air out of him when, instead of the trauma surgeon, his eyes landed on Alexiis' father. He was pale, his eyes wide as they danced around the room, skipping from him to Javier and back to him. "Kevin?"

For a moment, Kevin was stunned into silence. He was still in his Fenton O'Connell getup, glasses, contacts, three-piece suit and all. And yet Rick Castle of all people, who he hadn't seen in well over a year, had made him almost instantly. He blew out a breath. "Hi, Rick."

"What are you doing here? What happened? Where is she?" Rick demanded. "Is she—"

"Alexis is alive," Javier said, standing up. "She's in surgery now."

"What happened?" Rick repeated. "I get a call from Detective Beckett that she's missing, and then a few hours later I get another call that she's been shot and she's in the hospital?" His voice rose with each word. "What the hell happened to my daughter?"

"She was taken by a drug kingpin whose operation she'd been threatening," Javier said, his words the grossest understatement of the actual situation that Kevin could have imagined. "And when we found her, when we took down the kingpin… well, he didn't go quietly, and she took a bullet for me. We were there to save her, and she ended up saving me." Javier swallowed. "She's a hero. We got her medical attention as soon as we could—"

"Sounds like you did a bang-up job, Detective Esposito." Rick all but collapsed into one of the tiny waiting room chairs. His eyes landed on Kevin again, who was still standing, silent as he could feel his control fraying every moment he was stuck in that tiny room. "What do you have to do with this? I thought you moved away."

Kevin couldn't tell if the accusation in Rick's voice was imagined or not. The last time he and Alexis' father had been in the same room together, he and Alexis had been hosting him for dinner in their apartment. It felt like another lifetime when the writer had looked at Kevin with the cordial respect one might expect a father to have for his daughter's boyfriend. That certainly wasn't the way Rick was looking at him right now, and Kevin became very aware of the fact that he still had Alexis' blood on his hands. Kevin blew out a breath, feeling himself bristle under the man's scrutiny, feeling the criminal on his shoulder demand to know what the hell kind of father couldn't be bothered to keep tabs on his daughter's whereabouts.

"I've been working an undercover job. I never left New York. Alexi . . ." his voice caught on her name, and he watched Rick's face twist in confusion. How could he even hope to explain it all to her father of all people? He shifted the cup back in forth in his hands, and he watched Rick's gaze freeze on his bloodstained hands.

Rick's face paled, and he dragged in a ragged breath. "Oh my god." His blue gaze, so similar to Alexis' begged for answers that Kevin couldn't give. Because it was then that Kevin realized that all the answers in the world wouldn't change the fact that this man's daughter was somewhere in this hospital, fighting for her life. And the one answer that Rick truly wanted, whether or not his daughter would survive, Kevin couldn't give him.

Kevin pushed through the swinging doors to the waiting room. He tossed the cup into the nearest wastebasket, looking left and right for a bathroom. He heard Javier call his name as he stumbled down the hallway and swung open the door to the men's room. From there, he hunched in front of the sink, scrubbing at his skin with soap and the blunt edges of his fingernails, the water hot enough to turn his hands a new shade of red all their own. In the back of mind, Fenton whispered plans for retribution. Going to the precinct, getting the keys to Moreno's holding cell, and getting his hands bloody again. Making him pay for ever thinking he could touch her, for ever thinking he could hold her life in his hands and walk away.

Kevin gripped the edges of the sink as steam rose around him. He gritted his teeth against the panic and emotion threatening to smother him. This was why he'd created Fenton in the first place: to protect himself from feeling like this. To protect the people he cared about from getting caught up his dangerous job. How the hell had he ended up here? Falling to pieces while the woman he loved fought for her life?

He'd screwed up. He'd been wrong from the beginning, from the moment he'd run into Jenny in that bar, and every moment after it. He could see it all laid out in front of him, as clear as day. He'd loved Jenny, and when she'd broken him, he hadn't been able to cope. So he'd tried to protect himself. He'd been cold and closed his heart off. And despite that, he'd still fallen for Alexis, and she for him. And they'd been so happy. She'd been so perfect for him. And when he'd fucked that up and she'd made her own mistakes, he'd pushed her away. He couldn't cope with the pain then, either. Instead of trying to work it out, he'd buried himself in work. He'd created Fenton O'Connell, a man who couldn't feel, set him up to take down an elaborate drug cartel, and he'd spent a year letting him take the wheel.

But Fenton could feel. Alexis had taught him that lesson the hard way. And instead of telling her the truth, instead of making sure she stayed away, he'd kept hiding behind Fenton. He'd let her get involved. He'd let her be in Moreno's sights. And for what? So he could touch her again? So he could feel like he was involved with even one tiny sliver of her life? Because he'd never stopped loving her, but he couldn't stop hiding from his heartache, either?

He never could learn from his mistakes could he?

Kevin wiped aside the condensation on the mirror, staring back at the strange caricature he'd become. He didn't recognize himself in the black-framed glasses, or the brown contact lenses. He didn't see himself in the man in front of him, the way the stubble wrapped around his mouth, the wild mess of his hair, or the expensive suit. It was the fear and horror in his eyes that told Kevin he was staring at a reflection. It was the slump of his shoulders, the slight tremble in his lips. He was the same man he'd always been, Fenton or not, stupid fucking glasses or not. And he couldn't hide the truth any longer.

He wrenched the glasses off his face and pitched them across the bathroom. Then he removed the contact lenses with shaking hands and used water to slick his hair back into something resembling order. And then he loosened the tie and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal the tattoo on his chest. His fingers pressed against the black ink that coiled over his heart.

He'd gotten it shortly after starting the assignment, when months had passed and he still missed Alexis. When he had enough distance from their breakup to understand his own role. He couldn't do anything about that regret while he was in the middle of an assignment, but he'd gotten the tattoo so he'd never forget his own role in the way his life had changed.

That tattoo had always been his, not Fenton's. It was a reminder of the mistakes he'd made, the lies he'd told, the truths he'd omitted, and the way he'd hid when things got hard. It told him to do better. To use his spine as well as his heart. To be a better man.

Staring at the reflection of the tattoo, at the blue eyes that stared back at him in the mirror, he felt his heartbeat slowing. He felt that skin-deep fury begin to recede. And Kevin took deep breaths as he found something resembling control for the first time in far too long.

It was time for him to make a decision. If Alexis made it out, he needed to show her that he wasn't going to run or hide anymore. No more excuses. No more Fenton O'Connell.

It was time to see what Kevin Ryan was really made of.

* * *

By the time Kevin had composed himself enough to return to the waiting room, an older redhead had joined Rick in their vigil. Kevin recognized her as Alexis' grandmother, Martha Rodgers. They locked eyes briefly and Kevin gave her a brief nod of recognition. Confusion spread across her face the same way her son's had.

"Hey." Javier gestured back out into the hallway, and the two detectives stepped out.

"Any news?" Kevin asked.

"Nothing. They must still be working on her." Javier's eyes slid down the hallway to the swinging doors that the trauma surgeon has disappeared behind before jumping back to Kevin's face. "Beckett called. She's got Moreno in interrogation. He's asking for you."

Kevin's blood ran cold. "What?"

"He's not speaking to her. He only wants to talk to you. She and your boss are working on getting the audio feed from the club to use as evidence, but Alexis was the one accessing the feed. She's worried he's going to lawyer up before she can do much."

"Shit."

"You're the one who's worked with him for the past year," Javier said. "This is more in your wheelhouse right?"

Kevn blew out a breath. Already he was being pulled away from Alexis. "Yeah."

"Nobody would blame you for wanting to stay here, Kev," Javier tried.

He shook his head. "We can't let Moreno get a head start. I'll head right over. Call me when you have news."

"I promise."

Kevin glanced back at the double doors, willing himself to move in the opposite direction. Away from Alexis, toward the case that just couldn't seem to end. It was time to clean up the mess he and Alexis had made, once and for all.

* * *

"Mr. O'Connell, you're looking a little . . . off," Moreno said when Kevin entered the interrogation room and sat in front of the drug lord. "Did you lose your glasses on the way over?"

Kevin didn't grace the comment with a response. After leaving the hospital, he'd stopped at the apartment to change into clothes that weren't stained with Alexis' blood and then went directly to the precinct. He was going on thirty hours without sleep and, staring at the man who had put a bullet through Alexis and had killed who knows how many other people, Kevin knew relief was still far off.

"Let's cut to the chase here," Kevin said. "You confessed to the murder of Amelia Parry on a voice recording, you assaulted and attempted the murder of an NYPD officer, you're accused of at least one other murder, and I have seen you supply cocaine through the streets of Manhattan for a year. And those are just your greatest hits. I have the names of dealers within your organization who will turn on you in half a second to save their own asses. You're going away for a long time, no matter what kind of lawyer all your blood money can buy. And I couldn't care less whether you talk to me or you talk to Detective Beckett, because either way you're never walking free again. So say whatever the hell it is you want to say."

Moreno gave no indication that Kevin's words had bothered him. "And how is our damsel in distress? She got a tag on her toe yet?"

Kevin's fingers twitched, and he just barely held back the desire to reach across the table and break the man's neck with his bare hands. He cleared his throat. "She's fine. Gonna make a full recovery." His mouth twisted just a little bit on the bitter lie.

"Is that so? I guess I should have made a stronger impression."

"What do you want?"

The man paused, then smirked. "I wanted to know if you were prepared to tell the truth about your behavior over the past year. You haven't exactly been a choir boy. I wonder what the NYPD would think about you two fucking each other on the job."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"Merely reminding you that intel goes two ways."

"Nothing is worth you getting out of this Moreno. Not my job, and not hers." After the sacrifice Alexis had made, Kevin would make sure Moreno got exactly what he deserved. "Now, are you ready to talk about your involvement with Umbra's drug scene or the murder of Amelia Parry or Hector Johnson?" he asked.

Moreno smirked and folded his arms across his chest. Silence settled in between the two men, and Kevin blew out a breath. "Fine. We're done here." His chair slid back and he returned to observation where Kate was waiting. "It suits him to be such a pain in the ass even now that we hold all the cards."

"Like you said, he's going away for a long time," Beckett said. "I was hoping to get this one closed fast. Thanks for trying. I know there's somewhere else you'd rather be right now."

"Sure."

"Was that true? What he said about you and Alexis?"

Kevin nodded. "More or less."

Beckett's eyebrows rose. "Does your handler know about that?"

"Unfortunately."

"That's what you and Espo were fighting about, wasn't it?"

Kevin's gaze shifted back to the man in interrogation. "I take full responsibility. Alexis has enough to deal with right now. Don't punish her for this."

Beckett shrugged. "She was off the clock, technically. And the things she was doing with you are currently the least of my worries." She glanced at Moreno before meeting his eyes. "I can't have a detective with a death wish running around Manhattan. It's not safe for her partner. It's not good for this department, or the city."

Kevin sighed. He couldn't disagree, much as he wanted to defend Alexis' actions. "But in the end, she caught the man responsible for at least two deaths and helped me finish my narcotics assignment."

Her eyes narrowed. "She got lucky. If he'd taken her anywhere else, she'd be dead now and he'd be walking free."

He thought of the bruises and blood painting her skin, the shallow rise and fall of her chest and her screams of pain. "Lucky isn't the word I'd use."

"Can't argue with that." She sighed. "I think we're done for now. Go back to the hospital. And keep me updated."

He nodded. "Thanks, Beckett." He checked his phone on the way to the elevator, and his stomach plummeted when he realized it was dead. What if Javi had tried to call? What if something had happened? What if she hadn't—

No. Kevin blew out a breath. If Alexis hadn't made it off the table, Javi would have called Beckett, too. He threw the car in gear and peeled out of the parking garage anyway. He wasn't going to leave her again.

* * *

When Kevin made his way into the emergency room, he was shocked to find the waiting room empty. Worst case scenarios filled his mind and he stopped the first nurse passing by. "Is Alexis Castle still in surgery?"

The nurse blinked at him. "Who?"

Kevin explained the situation and was eventually directed upstairs to the intensive care unit. He rushed through the maze of rooms and hallways and nurses stations until he saw a familiar face.

Espo sat outside the room, his face in his hands. Kevin couldn't tell if he was sleeping or crying. "Hey."

His former partner lifted his head. His eyes were rimmed in red and looked sunken with exhaustion.

"She made it out?" Kevin asked.

"You didn't get my message?"

"My phone's dead. Javi, did she make it out?"

Javi modded. "She survived surgery. But—" Kevin was already on the way in. "Hold on. There's something I need to tell you before you barge in there."

"What is it?"

"She's not in good shape, man. You need to prepare yourself—"

"What are you talking about? She made it through the surgery, didn't she?"

"And the doctor said the next test will be making it through the week."

All of the frenetic energy humming through his body came to a shuddering halt. Kevin's eyes locked onto Javier's, and he saw the heavy truth in his friend's face. He opened his mouth, but couldn't bring himself to speak. His eyes skittered over to the closed door to Alexis' room, then back to Javier. "I-I don't understand. She made it through surgery." He sounded like a broken record.

Javier took his arm and tugged him down into one of the seats just outside the door. "The surgeon gave us the full report: the bullet hit her liver. They were able to remove it and repair the damage. And fortunately, her liver will heal completely in time. But that bastard also broke her arm, fractured her eye socket, cut her up like a piece of meat, and they're still trying to determine the extent of the brain damage from all the head trauma." He blew out a breath. "It's not pretty. She's not okay, Ryan. I just wanted you to know that before you walked in there expecting some kind of happy ending."

For half a second, Kevin was tempted to correct his friend. For a long time he'd known better than to expect a happy ending. That wasn't in the cards. Not for him. Except, he had been expecting one. Hoping for one. An end to the madness. A moment of relief. But he'd been an idiot to even hope for that much. "Okay."

With a deep breath, Kevin stood up and walked to the door, pausing just for a moment before gently pushing the door open. Javi's words hadn't adequately prepared him for the sight of Alexis in the hospital bed. Bandages were wrapped around her skull and covered her left eye. Her right arm was in a cast, and her other arm had more tubes going into it than he knew what to do with. Her skin was deathly pale in the few places she wasn't bruised or swollen. He watched the cadence of the heart monitor, watched the shallow rise and fall of her chest as oxygen was pumped through the intubation tube protruding from her mouth. "Jesus Christ," he whispered.

Her father was seated next to the hospital bed, holding her hand in his own. Their eyes met for a moment before Rick's gaze slid back to his daughter. Kevin figured that was as much of an invitation as he was going to get. He slid his jacket off his shoulders and took a seat in the corner of the room. Javier joined him soon thereafter, and Kevin watched him bow his head, murmuring something that sounded very much like a prayer.

It had been too long since he'd seen the inside of a church for him to attempt any kind of leverage with the man upstairs, and Kevin wasn't sure he believed that any sort of creator existed in the first place. But the love he had for Alexis was real. So he held onto that tangible thing, that ache in his gut and emptiness inside of him, and he said his own kind of prayer to anyone to who might be listening.

* * *

Author's Note: A million thanks to ramennoodlebug, who always gives the best reviews. :)

Thanks for reading, please review!


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

"Morning, ladies." Kevin greeted the team at the nurses station, a drink-holder with four coffees in one hand. He gingerly set the drinks on the edge of the nurses station as the trio of women perked up at his offering.

"Is this a bribe, detective?" one of the nurses, a brunette named Keira, asked.

"More of a thanks for your service. You've been taking such good care of Alexis."

"Mmhmm," Angie, another nurse said, her eyebrows raised. She didn't touch the offering.

"Go easy, Ang," a third nurse, Tori, said as she set her chart aside to accept one of the proffered cups of coffee. "He's harmless."

"How is she doing?" Kevin asked. "Any changes?"

"You ever heard of HIPAA, detective?" Angie asked.

"Once or twice." He shrugged, looking pleadingly at the women. "Has there been any change in her status?"

Alexis had been hospitalized for nearly a week. As far as Kevin knew, she was healing, but hadn't woken up yet. Not that Kevin knew much. Since he wasn't immediate family, he'd largely been left out of the loop on Alexis' recovery. He was allowed during visiting hours, but that was pretty much the extent of his ability to be involved.

Rick wasn't exactly forthcoming with information about his daughter, and Kevin suspected it had to do with Rick's knowledge of Kevin's past with Alexis and Rick's complete ignorance about how exactly his daughter had ended up tortured and what role Kevin had played in it. Kevin didn't blame him, necessarily, but he also couldn't tolerate waiting to hear what scraps of news Javier had managed to glean from the man. Kevin wanted to help, and to do that he needed to know what they were up against.

Tori beckoned him over, then let her voice go low. "Her incisions are looking good, and she's responded well to the blood transfusions. No fever, no anemia, no complications from the surgeries."

He nodded. "Okay. That's good to hear."

"But she should have woken up by now, so we've been watching her intracranial pressure. A high ICP tells us if her brain is swelling or not." She explained when he gave her a blank look.

He pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and began to write down those new details. "Is her brain swelling?"

Tori paused for a moment before nodding.

"Jesus."

"We've been giving her medication to reduce the swelling, but she's not responding to it as well as we'd hoped. The neurologist and neurosurgeon have been talking to Mr. Castle. The swelling around her eye has gone down a bit, so now is a good time to repair her eye socket. That'd require another surgery. And repairing that could also reduce some pressure on her brain."

"Another surgery? Can she make it through another surgery?"

"There are always risks, but she's strong." Tori patted his hand. "She wouldn't have made it this far if she wasn't tough as nails. Her brain activity is still looking fairly good. And we're hoping if we can relieve some pressure on her brain, we can avoid further damage and she'll have a better chance of waking up soon."

Kevin noticed that the nurse was careful to not mention what kind of state Alexis might be in once she did wake up. He looked down at the counter for a moment before taking a deep breath and adding a few more notes to his book. "Thank you."

Tori nodded. "You're welcome. Go on in and see her. And detective?"

"Yeah?"

"I love a good piece of coffee cake in the morning." She winked at him before returning to her paperwork.

Kevin found a rare smile in himself as he walked down the unit to Alexis' room. Surprisingly, neither Rick nor Martha were present. Kevin took a seat at Alexis' bedside and gently picked up her hand, mindful of the IVs. He pressed a kiss against her knuckles. "Good morning, Princess."

She didn't respond, and he hadn't expected her to. Between the medications being pumped into her bloodstream and her head trauma, Kevin wasn't surprised that she'd been unconscious for several days. Her body had to conserve every ounce of strength to heal itself. But as four days had turned to five and now five had turned to six, he was beginning to worry more and more about what kind of person Alexis would be when she did wake up. If she woke up.

Six days of around the clock care from a team of nurses and doctors had immensely improved her appearance. Her skin no longer looked paper-white and much of the swelling in her face had gone down. The bruising would take longer to fade, but she was looking more and more like herself every day. He was glad to hear that, her brain aside, her body was was healing well and there didn't seem to be any complications.

Kevin took a long pull from his coffee cup before setting it aside and reaching for the dog-eared book on her bedside table. He opened it to the marked page and began to read out loud.

Before Alexis had been hurt, he'd never imagined himself being the kind of guy who sat in hospital rooms during every spare moment, reading to a person who might not even be able to hear him, or bribing nurses to share classified information. Of course, Kevin knew he shouldn't be surprised. Alexis had always had a knack for bringing out sides of him that he'd never even knew existed. And if Kevin was being completely honest with himself, the few peaceful moments he'd managed to scrape together since his narcotics assignment had come to a swift end were usually found at Alexis' bedside, reading another couple of chapters from a true crime book he remembered her enjoying back when they'd been dating. He'd teased her about not being able to leave work at work, and she'd told him it was fascinating to see a different approach to the investigative process. He hoped that whatever bits and pieces she could hear now were still interesting to her.

Kevin got through about nine pages before Rick walked into the room, looking just as exhausted as he had the day before. The older man looked sallow and thinning, like he wasn't coping well with his daughter hanging by a thread. And while Kevin couldn't imagine what coping well with recent events would even look like, he also couldn't forget the way Alexis described her father's tendency to fall into old habits when things got hard. Nothing was harder than watching your child fight for her life.

Kevin paused his reading. "Morning."

Rick nodded to him, settling in a chair on the opposite side of the bed, his own thermos of coffee clutched in a white-knuckle grip. He glanced at the cover of the book Kevin was reading. "I can't decide if it's nice or creepy that you're reading those kinds of things to her, considering what happened."

"She enjoys this kind of stuff. Or at least, she used to." Kevin shrugged. "Helps me feel useful."

Rick nodded again, glancing down at his daughter. He seemed keyed up and on the verge of breaking at the same time. "She's going into surgery this afternoon. They're going to repair her eye socket."

Kevin nodded as if this was news to him. "Is that safe?"

"It's safer than putting it off. The doctors are worried about her brain. Fixing this might help. I . . . I'm worried, too. I don't know anything about this stuff. I don't know what's the right or wrong thing to do here."

"She's lucky to have you and Martha looking out for her," Kevin said, and he meant it. He knew Alexis' history with her loved ones, and he was glad that they were stepping up to support her.

Rick scoffed, then shook his head. "If I was really looking out for her, she might not have ended up here." He rubbed his face and sighed. "Kevin, I'm meeting with Captain Beckett, Detective Esposito, and Captain Morgan this afternoon," he finally said. "To go over everything they know about Alexis' involvement with this Moreno guy. I guess the precinct's worried about me lawyering up." He smirked, but there was nothing resembling joy or triumph in his expression.

Kevin blinked in surprise. He hadn't known about that meeting, hadn't been invited. He did his best to keep his poker face intact. Things at his job were up in the air. His handler had debriefed him on the assignment, including his involvement with Alexis while on the case, and then had told him to take a break while the rest of the team finished up the investigation. "Your work here is done," his handler had told him. "We'll let you know if we need further information or if you'll need to testify." And then Kevin had gone home. That had been three days ago.

"Before I meet with them," Rick continued, "is there anything you want to tell me?"

Kevin considered Rick's question. It was a classy move, letting him offer up his own confession before getting the details from other people. And it was a confession that Kevin had been avoiding with Alexis' father from the moment they'd met again in the emergency room waiting area. There was no good way for Kevin to describe Alexis' carelessness or his own lies. But this wasn't just any civilian with a connection to a vic. Rick was the father of the woman Kevin loved. And if there was even a snowball's chance in Hell of getting another shot with Alexis when everything was said and done, he would want Rick's support. Kevin knew he needed to stop hiding. It was time to tell the truth, or at least as much of the truth as was his to tell. Kevin dogeared the book, then set it back on the bedside table. "What questions do you have for me?"

It took the better part of an hour, but Kevin walked Rick through a general overview of the assignment he'd been on and where Alexis had begun to complicate things. He described the makeshift murder board in her apartment and her after-hours police work searching for the murderer of Amelia Parry. He explained how he'd tried to stay away from her but after Seth had made her a target, he couldn't leave her to her own devices. He admitted the weeks he'd spent lying to Alexis about his identity, though he skipped over the details of Alexis subbing for him.

Maybe that was cowardice on his part, but Kevin felt that was Alexis' decision to share those intimate details with her father or not.

He explained how things had come to a head when Moreno had connected the dots between the homicide detective and the redhead who had been frequenting the club. And he admitted that when Alexis had come to his apartment to warn him, when she'd clearly been frightened and in need of protection, he'd chosen to finish his assignment rather than try to keep her safe. The hardest part was describing what had happened when he and Javier had found Alexis. Kevin wasn't sure she'd want her father to know the full extent of what Moreno had done to her and what he'd tried to do. So he'd kept those particular details out as well. "I told myself I was trying to keep her safe," Kevin concluded, "and while that was true, I realize now that the best thing I could have done was keep her away. But instead I let her get close to me and my assignment and now she's paying the price."

He'd expected Rick to rage at him, to kick him out of the hospital room and ban Kevin from visiting his daughter again. Instead, he'd quietly absorbed all of the details. He looked at his unconscious daughter then back at Kevin. "Castles don't have the best track record for staying away from dangerous situations. I appreciate your honesty, Kevin. But I know my daughter, and I know how stubborn she can be when she believes she's right. I'm glad you're acknowledging your role in all of this. But it sounds like Alexis made her own choices."

Kevin frowned in surprise. "I guess so."

"And when she wakes up, she and I will need to talk about those choices." Castle tried for a small smile. It looked a little lopsided. "I don't think twenty-six is too old for your dad to ground you."

Kevin felt his own lips twitch in response and tried not to focus too much on all the questions behind _when she wakes up._ "I suppose not."

* * *

Hours later, Kevin found himself back in his old apartment, the apartment he and Alexis had shared once upon a time. He wasn't Fenton O'Connell anymore, and so there would be no going back to that other place. Boxes from Fenton's apartment were stacked neatly against the wall—all the belongings that Kevin had had undercover that were neither evidence nor particularly useful to the NYPD.

He'd subletted the apartment while he'd been away, and now that he was in it again, returned home, he couldn't help but notice how it didn't feel like home anymore. It belonged to a stranger, yet another version of Kevin. Or maybe multiple versions—one, the happy boyfriend who secretly dreamed of wedding bells and picket fences, the other, an angry festering wound of a human being.

Kevin wasn't either of those people anymore. Time had changed his priorities. But he also wasn't the man whose belongings were currently boxed up—a short-tempered Dominant who played with criminals. He rubbed his face with a sigh. He didn't know who he was anymore.

He opened his fridge reflexively. He wasn't hungry, but he needed something to do. Otherwise he'd be stuck watching the clock and imagining Alexis on yet another operating table, or Javier, Beckett, and his boss talking about him behind closed doors. There was nothing in his fridge except a couple bottles of beer and an expired tub of sour cream. His tenants hadn't left much behind. He closed the fridge and made a snap decision, hoping he hadn't overstayed his self-imposed exile. The phone rang twice before she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Gwen. It's Kevin."

He thought he heard an intake of breath. Then there was a beat of silence.

"Gwen?"

"Kevin who?" she asked.

"What do you mean who? Your brother, Kevin."

"It couldn't be my brother, Kevin Ryan," she said. "Because my good for nothing brother has been gone for over a year. Doesn't call. Doesn't write. Doesn't bother letting his sister know if he's safe or not . . ."

"Gwen. I was undercover. You knew I couldn't—"

"So you see, you couldn't be my brother. Because he'd have a hell of a lot of nerve to call after all this silence." He thought maybe he heard the beginning of a smile in her voice, but he couldn't be sure.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."

"You'd better. So how the hell are you? Finished with your case, I'm assuming?"

"It's done. I um . . . do you mind if I stop by? Maybe we can catch up? It's really good to hear your voice."

"Sure, Kev."

"Are you free now?"

"I've gotta pick up the twins from school at four, but I think I can slot you in. Bring coffee, yeah?"

Thanks, Gwen."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Kevin found himself on his sister's doorstep with two coffees and some pastries that he remembered Gwen enjoying. As soon as the door swung open he found himself engulfed in his sister's embrace. Then, just as quickly, she punched him in the chest and he just managed to not spill coffees and pastries all over himself. "Ow!" He set his peace offering down on the table next to the front door.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, Kevin. Do you know what it's been like? Calling that captain of yours for updates over the last year because you dropped off the edge of the Earth. Ma and Dad asking about you and worrying when I couldn't tell them anything?" She punched his chest again then hugged him once more. "I missed you, you idiot!"

This time he was able to hug her back, and he squeezed her maybe a little tighter than was normal for them, but she didn't seem to mind. "I missed you too, sis."

She stepped back and wiped at her eyes. "At least you brought coffee. Glad you didn't skip out on that."

Kevin handed her a cup, a smirk twisting his lips. "Man, you're really laying on that Catholic guilt, huh?"

"You know what they say about old habits. Come sit. You look like hell, by the way. Did they not have a pair of scissors at your undercover job?"

Kevin dragged his fingers through his hair self-consciously. "I guess I need a haircut."

"Understatement, little brother." She tugged him over to the kitchen table. "So have you told Ma and Dad you're back yet?"

His grimace was apparently answer enough, and she rolled her eyes. "You're killing me."

"I just got back. I haven't had time to talk to them yet."

Gwen frowned at him. "I'm not saying another word until you call mom and dad."

Kevin held his hands up in front of him. "I promise I'll call them but first I need to talk to you."

Gwen stared at him for a moment. "What could be so important that you can't take two minutes to tell your parents your back home where you belong?"

"Because I don't know if this really is where I belong. I . . ." he stopped. "Everything is a mess, Gwen."

"Please don't tell me you're here for advice. You don't call for a year and now you want to come back into my life and expect me to listen to your problems?"

"I've made a mess of things, Gwen, and I need help sorting things out. I just can't seem to get my head on straight."

"I'd be confused if I had cut out all my friends and family for over a year to go pursue some half-assed narcotics assignment."

"It wasn't half-assed —"

"How did it go then?"

"As well as could be expected." Kevin thought back to the months he'd spent undercover as Fenton O'Connell. In the end he had accomplished his mission. In the end Moreno did end up being put away for all of the crimes he'd committed, and the city was just a little safer with one less dealer flooding the streets. But that hadn't been why he'd left, if he was being honest with himself, and putting Moreno behind bars didn't fix what he felt now.

He thought of Alexis, how he'd gone undercover to get away from her, to get a break from her presence in his life. Even after the breakup, she'd been too close. Working in the same building as him, sharing the same friends—he'd told himself he'd never be able to get over her if he stayed. Clearly he hadn't gotten over her because the moment she'd gotten herself in trouble at the club he'd dropped everything and endangered his assignment to save her. He'd pulled her into his assignment, enabled her to do her own after-hours police work, lied to her about who he truly was, and in the end she'd been the one to pay the price. "I started the assignment because I thought it would help me, and I thought that I could help people. Mutually beneficial, you know? But you and I both know that I was running . . . and when I was undercover I ran into Alexis."

Gwen's eyes widened. "But you were undercover. You met her while you were undercover?"

Kevin bit back a laugh. "And that's only the beginning. I got her involved in my assignment."

His sister pulled in breath and Kevin been walked her through the last few months he'd been spending at the club with Alexis. He left out the gritty details about their sessions but other than that admitted everything. He admitted his lies, he admitted his suspicions about her, he admitted that even undercover—so far undercover that he didn't recognize himself—he still loved her and he still was drawn in by her. And he couldn't stay away. Didn't even really try.

He told her about Moreno and how he had inadvertently brought Alexis and into Moreno's line of sight. How Alexis had tried to warn him when her own undercover police work had made her a liability. And, his stomach sick to recall that sequence of events once again, Kevin told Gwen what Moreno had done to Alexis when he had finally gotten his hands on her.

To Gwen's credit, she didn't interrupt him or sling any judgment at him while he was telling the story. Maybe she knew well enough after all these years that he needed to get it out of his system, that his confession of sorts was a confession to an impartial third party who might tell him how to move forward—or maybe to a loving sister who have known him since before he could walk. A sister who had watched out for him her entire life, who had helped him learn how to read, how to ride a bike, how to make spaghetti for the first time, and who he hoped wouldn't cast him out now.

By the time Kevin had finished telling his tale, explaining Alexis' prognosis his hands were shaking, his eyes were red though he hadn't allowed himself to try. "I don't know what to do Gwen. I don't know how to watch her laying in that hospital bed for another day or week or month. I don't know how to make up for this. Tell me what to do."

Gwen took his hand but she didn't say anything at first. She took a breath and looked directly in his eyes. "It's not your fault, Kevin. What he did to her is not your fault. Yes, you shouldn't have lied, and yes, those lies have consequences but you didn't torture her. You didn't pull the trigger. And I think she knows that, and I'm sure she doesn't blame you."

"What if I blame myself? It's not that cut and dry, Gwen. I know I'm not the one who pulled the trigger but I am the one who helped put her in front of that gun. I'm the one who sent her away when she needed help. I'm the one who let her be at the club in the first place."

"Kevin, I don't know Alexis like you do but it seems to me that she made her own choices and that once she made them, it wasn't up to you anymore. You can't control everything and you certainly don't control her. It's terrible what happened to her, and if there's anything I can do to help please let me know, but I don't think you're doing anyone any favors by blaming yourself."

For a moment Kevin let his sister's his words sink in and he consider them carefully. He ran them against what Alexis's father had told him, what Javi had told him, what he'd learned from Captain Beckett, and what he knew about Alexis herself. There was a ring of truth in his sister's words, and he couldn't deny it much as he wished he could take all the blame upon himself. But knowing that it wasn't so his fault didn't help him feel even a little bit better. "So what do I do now? It's not my fault, but they're still talking about whether not I can continue with the NYPD. It's not my fault but Alexis is still in surgery right now because her brain is swelling and that son of a bitch shit broke her eye socket. It's not my fault but my former best friend looks at me like he doesn't know me anymore. What am I supposed to do with that? I'm not a Fenton O'Connell anymore. But I don't know who at who else to be, and Kevin Ryan, he doesn't feel like me either. I don't feel like me anymore. How am I supposed to cope with what's coming if I can't even recognize myself in the mirror?"

Gwen blew out of breath and then a soft smile tugged her lips. "That, at least, I can help with. But it'll involve a pair of scissors."

Her smile grew as he realized what she was telling him, and Kevin felt himself smiling in return. "I'd like that."

By the time Gwen had to leave to pick the twins up from school Kevin was feeling just a little bit better—partially because of a haircut his his sister had just given him. His hair was now a little longer on top than it had been before he went undercover but it wasn't anywhere as wild or long as it had been when he'd been Fenton. It was something altogether new. As Gwen lead him to the front door she threw her her arms around him again. "Call Ma and Dad. They should know that you're home and safe now. And let me know how Alexis does."

"I will."

"Don't be a stranger. I know you'll find your way through this, Kev, and while you're doing that don't forget you have a family who loves you."

" I love you,too. And thanks. I don't know what I would do without my wise older sister."

"Keep laying it on thick. I still haven't forgiven you, you know. It's going to take more than some sweet words to make up for all this silence."

"I know. But thank you all the same." He smiled at his sister as he approached the door.

"And Kevin? You have even more making up to do where Alexis is concerned and I think you know that. But if you really love her and if you think there's a chance after everything that she might love you too, don't mess it up again. It's been a long time since I've seen you happy I'd like that to change. "

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Kevin arrived at the hospital the next morning with a new four-pack of coffee in his hands—along with a piece of blueberry-lemon coffee cake—and a spring in his step. After leaving Gwen's he had made a stop at his parents' house outside the city and had spent the evening catching up with them and telling them what little he could about his assignment. He didn't tell them everything he told Gwen, only that he was back and he was safe and that he wouldn't be leaving again anytime soon. He felt oddly at peace the next day after having made amends with his family and come back into their lives. He felt a little bit like no matter what happened next, at least he would have them. But he couldn't quite settled the unease in his gut as he thought about Alexis' future. She hadn't gotten the chance to make peace with her family over her decisions, and as far as he knew she was still unconscious after yesterday's surgery. He hurried to the nurses station, dropping off the coffees and coffee cake on the counter. He caught Tori's eye.

"How did it go yesterday?"

Angie scowled at him, no doubt resenting his flagrant disregard for private healthcare information, but he couldn't be bothered to care. Tori gave him a smile but he couldn't help but notice that it felt a little forced. "The repair went well. She should have full use of her vision once she recovers from the surgery . . ."

"But?"

"Repairing her eye socket did help with the intracranial pressure, but we still had to put in a shunt to help reduce the swelling. It's difficult to tell for sure, but her brain has likely experience some significant damage."

Kevin felt his heart plummet into his stomach. "How significant?"

"Her scans are looking okay, but traumatic brain injuries can cause any number of situations. We won't know more until she wakes up," then she added "which might be very soon. I just want you to prepare yourself, Detective, she might not be the person you knew before. "

Kevin tried to swallow but found his mouth dry. He told himself that all that mattered was that she woke up at all. Whatever came after that . . . he would deal with it. He didn't know how he would deal with it, as there were any number of terrifying possibilities popping up in his brain in no small part thanks to all of the research he'd done in the past three days on traumatic brain injuries. "Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate the heads up." He didn't tell her that all he cared about was Alexis waking up because he wasn't sure that was entirely , no matter what happened, he would be happy if she woke up. He would be happy if she was a functional person again, if she could move forward with her life no longer bound to the hospital bed, perhaps not even haunted by the memories of what had happened to her. But if she woke up and didn't remember him, didn't remember their relationship, some small selfish part of him would never be satisfied with that. He took his cup of coffee and continued on to Alexis' room. once again he'd beaten Rick into the room and he took his seat at her bedside picking up the dogeared True Crime book from the nightstand.

He paused before he opened to book to look over the woman he loved. It was painful to look at her like this. Unconscious, a mess of IV lines going into her skin, a tube coming out of her throat, supplying her air, and now a bandage over her left eye to match the one wrapped around her head. He belatedly wondered what they would do to repair the hole that put in her skull to reduce the swelling and told himself he would have to save that for research later. She didn't look like herself. She didn't look like the Alexis he knew, the Alexis he loved. She looked like an empty, broken doll—a lifeless thing. And he hated to see her that way. She was still one of the most important people in his world, and he still felt it was his responsibility to protect her, to take care of her, to love her. Christ, he hoped when she woke up she would let him.

He opened the book to the marked page and began to read. A few minutes in, he got a text from Javi asking how the surgery had gone Kevin responded with what he knew and only just held himself back from asking how the meeting had gone. It still hurt that he hadn't been invited to a meeting involving his own case. He rested his hand on the mattress as he slid his cell phone in his pocket with his other hand, and then he almost jumped out of his skin as he felt cold fingers brush against the back of his hand.

His eyes slowly followed from the back of his hand and up Alexis' arm to her face. Her fingers were still brushing over the back of his hand in the lightest, most clumsy of caresses and he watched, his heart pounding in his chest, as her eye fluttered open and closed.

"Princess?"

She looked at him, her expression glazed and disoriented, for the space of three heartbeats before closing again. She tried to speak but couldn't with the tube blocking her vocal cords.

"Don't try to talk."

She began to choke, not accustomed to breathing with a tube deep in her throat. Tears began to pool in her eye and she gripped his fingers tightly. He pressed the call button on the side of her bed. The nurses would be in any second now.

"Just breathe, okay? You're safe now." Both of his hands held her own as he started back into her frightened eyes, soothing her and the only way that he knew how. "I've got you. You're going to be okay."

* * *

Thanks for reading! Please review!


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Alexis felt like her mind was moving through cement.

And that slow, agonizing struggle between neurons and synapses was the only thing keeping the panic from completely consuming her.

She hadn't understood a single piece of the moment she'd woken up: what had happened to cause that catalog of pain across her body, why she was waking up in a hospital room with a tube down her throat, and why Kevin Ryan of all people was at her bedside, holding her hand and looking at her like he'd never been happier to see her.

All she knew was pain and confusion and the horrifying feeling of drowning on dry land.

She heard him speak to her again, the words sliding into her ears like a foreign code her brain had forgotten how to parse. She sifted through them, let her mind hold the shape of them, pull the sounds apart and put them back together like a puzzle game.

 _You are . . ._

One of the nurses rushed in, and a smile spread across her face when she saw Alexis. She spoke loudly, her words seemingly measured. Alexis watched her mouth form words, watched the nurse gesture to her throat, conveying some kind of message about the obstruction that she gagged and choked on even as oxygen slid into her lungs. Alexis didn't catch what she said, didn't make room for it in her overtaxed mind. Her eyes slid over to Kevin again. A crease had appeared between his eyebrows as he watched her. She tried again to unravel that knotted string of syllables.

 _You are . . ._

The nurse moved closer, and Alexis watched as she pulled a penlight from her pocket, clicking the light on and leaning forward to shine it in her face. It was then that Alexis realized she was only seeing through one eye. She tried to lift her hands to her face, but found her right arm meeting unyielding resistance. A cast. The sound of fear sliding up her throat was muted by the intubation. She jerked back from the nurse and her light, tears blurring her vision. Her left hand came up to her face, her fingertips just brushing against the tubing before being pulled away. Warmth enveloped her fingers as both Kevin's hands wrapped around hers, the comfort of the gesture erased by the sensation of being trapped. She locked her eyes on him as she tugged with what little strength she could muster, pleading to let her go. She heard that same phrase on a loop, each repetition breaking through the cement around her mind. _You are going . . ._

 _You are going to . . ._

 _You are going to be okay._

Alexis had never felt less okay in her entire life. What the hell had happened to her? What the hell was Kevin doing here? Why couldn't she think straight?

Something soft and warm pressed against her knuckles, and she froze at the sensation of Kevin's lips dragging against her skin. His eyes were wide, almost tearful, like he wanted nothing more in the world than to comfort her.

And that, more than anything else, was impossible to understand.

* * *

Soon thereafter, a woman in a white coat had come into her room and, with the help of the nurse, she removed the tube in Alexis' throat and gave her a cup of water with a straw. Her throat felt raw and aching, but she was glad to be able to breathe freely. The water helped. Kevin must have been asked to leave the room, because the nurse had patted his shoulder and guided him out of the room, closing the door behind her.

The woman in the white coat began to speak to her, and Alexis found herself hanging onto every syllable, her one eye fixated on the shape of the woman's lips as she spoke, willing her mind to understand. Even then, she only got pieces. "Doctor Campbell . . . safe now. You were hurt . . . going to be okay."

That echo of the words Kevin had said to her had her nodding.

The doctor had then taken her through some kind of exam. It took Alexis a while to understand the doctor's commands and questions, but as the exam continued, she found her mind moving faster. And though every string of seconds it took for her mind to unpack those sounds and turn them into something she actually understood grew shorter and shorter, Alexis found herself growing more and more tired, like she'd been staring at case files for eight hours straight instead of following simple commands.

The doctor then took a seat at her bedside, a clipboard in hand. She smiled at Alexis. "Can you tell me your name?"

"A-Alexis Castle." Her own name sounded foreign in her mouth, like her tongue had forgotten the shape of it. Her voice was a whisper-rasp from the intubation.

"Good. What is the last thing you remember, Alexis?"

She blinked slowly, sinking back against the pillows. Images and the words to describe them came to her slowly. The parking garage at the precinct. "I… I don't know. I… I was working . . ." Her eye widened as she saw Seth standing over Javier, who was bleeding from a wound on his head. "My partner. He's hurt. We were . . . hurt. I thought . . . I thought . . . Was I hurt? W-where's Javi?"

Dr. Campbell patted her hand. "He's fine, Alexis."

"Can I—can I see him?"

"He's not here in the hospital. But he's going to be really happy that you're okay."

"What h-happened to me?"

"You experienced a trauma," Dr. Campbell said.

Alexis touched the bandage over her eye. "I can't see."

"You'll be able to soon. We had to repair your eye socket, but you're okay," the doctor assured her as Alexis felt the blood draining from her face. "You're okay now. And your eye is okay. Once we can take those bandages off, you'll be able to see again. There's no permanent damage. Okay?"

Alexis shook her head. None of this was okay. "I don't under…" She lifted the arm in the cast, then let her fingers sluggishly trail over her abdomen, where a warm discomfort throbbed with each heartbeat. "I can't remember? It hurts."

"I can give you something for the pain. But first I have some questions."

"No—"

"Alexis, I need you to answer these questions for me. Your body is hurt, but we're fixing it. And you're going to be okay. Now I need to know if your mind is hurt, too, okay? And if it is, I'll do everything in my power to fix it. But I have to know what's going on. And the only way to find that out is if you answer my questions."

Alexis blew out a breath, her throat tightening with the effort of holding back her tears. "Okay."

"Do you remember anything after your partner was hurt?"

She closed her eyes, her head already beginning to pound. She remembered getting up that morning, meeting Javi for their training sessions. Remembered calling his phone and finding him barely conscious. Remembered Seth lifting and slamming her against that stone pillar—then it ended. There was nothing else. Just an endless void. Seth… Seth had done this to her?

"No," the doctor said, and Alexis realized she'd spoken the question aloud.

"What?" That didn't make sense. If Seth hadn't been the one to hurt her, then— "Who?"

"Does the name Andres Moreno mean anything to you?"

Her body clenched tight at the name, but she didn't know why. Dimly, she heard the monitor speed up.

"Take a breath," the doctor said, waiting till Alexis relaxed to ask, "Do you remember him?"

"He's a . . . business owner. Restaurants." She shook her head. "I don't understand."

"You will soon. But let's not worry about that right now, okay? I have some more questions for you, and then we'll be done."

She shook her head again. "No. Tell me what h-happened."

"Since all of that is related to an ongoing investigation, Captain Beckett wanted to talk to you about that herself. I'm not supposed to get involved. But I do have other questions."

Alexis sank back into the hospital bed. She was so tired.

Dr. Campbell lifted up her clipboard and spoke again, but Alexis didn't catch the next question. She shook her head, blinking rapidly. "I don't… can you say it a-again?"

The doctor handed her the cup of water instead. "You're doing great. Just take a breath and drink some water. We're not in a hurry." When Alexis set the cup aside again, the doctor said again, her voice slow. "Do you remember your birthday?"

She thought hard about that one. Half of the equation rose to the surface of her mind with relative ease, but the other part was slippery. "The eighth."

"Of what month?"

Alexis looked around the room like she'd find the answer written on the wall. What month? She closed her eyes then, imagining chilled mornings, leaves turning yellow and red, pumpkins all around. Images came easily, one after another, one connected to the other as memories from various birthdays rushed in, but still the word eluded her. "It's… it's in the f-fall." She shook her head helplessly.

"November?" the doctor offered.

Alexis shook her head.

"October?"

The word snapped into place, the missing puzzle piece gluing all those images together and bringing new ones forward. "Yes." Alexis felt her face heat in embarrassment, and Dr. Campbell squeezed her hand.

"It's okay. You're doing great," she said again.

By the time Dr. Campbell wrapped up the questions on her clipboard, Alexis was so tired she could barely keep her head up and frustration had tears burning in her eyes. Understanding came easier now, though there were still long stretches of silence as she considered the doctor's questions. And she still had to ask her to repeat her questions.

But all the comprehension in the world didn't make up for the missing pieces. She couldn't remember where she lived, but she remembered her father's address—both in Manhattan and in the Hamptons. She'd forgotten her mother's name. She remembered bits and pieces from her case, mostly about Amelia Parry, but there was a void in her memory about anything related to her injury. The immediate past was the most noticeable piece missing, but from the doctor's questions, Alexis knew her recollection was flawed, knew that she was missing enough pieces to ruin the puzzle entirely.

Then Dr. Campbell handed over her clipboard and asked Alexis to write down her answers to those questions, to see if her answers might be any different. It took even longer for her to remember the shape of the words on the paper, but she found a couple of new answers. _Harper_. Her middle name. Her mother's maiden name. _Harper._ Meredith Harper.

Then the doctor grabbed a book off of the bedside table and flipped to a random page. She handed the book to Alexis and asked her to try to read the words on it out loud. Her throat went dry as she found herself mentally sounding out each word before attempting to vocalize it. Her headache worsened, and a sense of horror set in as she slogged her way through each line, the lines blurring every now and then. Her voice was raw as she sounded it out for her audience of one. By the time she'd finished her recitation, a mere page out of the entire book, tears had spotted the page.

"It's going to be okay," the doctor said again. She handed Alexis a tissue.

"H-how do you know?" Alexis asked.

"You've experienced an incredible amount of trauma. And that's why you're here. That's why you're having difficulty with memory and comprehension. But the brain is an amazing thing. Given time, it bounces back. You'll bounce back. And despite everything you've experienced, you can still read, you can write, and speak, and listen and understand what I'm saying to you. That's huge, Alexis."

Alexis nodded, too tired to argue. The doctor sighed, then patted her hand. "How's your pain? Can you give it a number?"

She considered the dull throbbing in her skull, the raw ache in her throat, the warm in pulsing in her broken arm and abdomen. "Seven."

"We'll see if we can make you a little more comfortable, okay?" She pressed a few buttons on one of the machines Alexis was attached to. "You should be feeling much better in just a couple minutes."

"Okay."

Then the doctor left, leaving the door open. Alexis heard her speaking in the hallway, every so often words like "trauma" and "memory" and "time" slipping through her ears. She thought she recognized other voices, too, but she was too tired to remember who those voices might belong to. She let her eyes fall shut as a gentle weight began to slip through her veins. The pain in her body eased and then she felt nothing at all.

* * *

When Alexis woke up again, her eyes locked on her father. He was hunched over in the chair next to the hospital bed, his head in his hands. It took a few moments of panic and disorientation for her to remember where she was, and how she'd gotten there. Or at least, to recall what the doctor had told her. There were a few pieces missing from her recollection, but the anxiety in her stomach seemed to remember things her mind didn't. She took a deep breath before letting her gaze settle again on her father, and in a knee jerk reaction, she found her good hand reaching for him. Found her weak body trying to lean forward and capture him in her arms. To find the safety and comfort that he'd given her for most of her life.

"Daddy?" Her throat was dry and sore with disuse, but she forced her cracked lips to form the word.

His head shot up, and she saw his eyes were swollen and bloodshot. His face was pale, and deep circles had been colored under his eyes, but his mouth split into a grin the moment his eyes landed on her. "Hi, pumpkin."

Before she could blink, his arms were wrapped around her shoulders, gently and carefully. Mindful of her cast and bandages and all the tubes and wires attached to her body. Her good hand lifted to wrap around his back. Her fingers gripped the fabric of his shirt as she buried her face in his neck and breathed in that scent that had meant love and protection for as long as she could remember.

Recent years and their troubles aside, she knew her Dad loved her and amidst everything that was so wrong, this moment in her father's arms helped her feel like everything might be right again. She blinked back tears and held on tighter, that panic easing up her throat and escaping her lips in tiny gasps. She was broken in ways she didn't fully understand yet, but she was _alive_ and her dad was here. She wasn't alone.

"I've got you," he whispered into her ear. "I've got you, pumpkin. You're okay. You're okay." He chanted the words almost, it seemed, to reassure himself as much as to comfort her.

After what felt like an age of allowing herself to fall apart, Alexis pried herself out of her father's arms and wiped at her unbandaged eye. He handed her a tissue from the bedside table, then wiped a few tears out of his own eyes. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice," he said.

"M-me too." She balled the tissue up and dropped it on the blankets in front of her. "How long—"

"You woke up for the first time yesterday," he finished. "I missed it. I'm so sorry I missed it."

"It's okay. I…" she grasped at the fragmented memories of the day before, of her exam with the doctor and the horror as she realized just how many pieces were missing. Even now, she couldn't recall everything the doctor had said and done. "Did the doctor . . . did she…" She found herself fumbling over the words, and her face colored as she tried to get her mouth to recall the shape of those unremarkable few words. "T-talk to you?"

"She told me about your memory loss, and how you're already showing lots of good signs for recovery." A smile tugged at his lips.

Alexis couldn't even try to mimic the expression. "That's good."

"Are you hungry? I can have someone bring in some breakfast for you."

She nodded, relieved to have something normal to do. Something to talk about other than how damaged she was. He stepped out into the hallway, and she blew out a breath. A dull pounding had picked up behind her eyelids, and her abdomen and arm were aching again, too.

Feeling more lucid than she had the day before, Alexis took a moment to assess her surroundings. She was in a small private hospital room with a chair and tables in the corner, a line of cabinets and a sink on one side, and a window just a few feet away from her hospital bed. Dull light was shining in through the curtains, and the digital clock on the table next to her bed read 7:13 a.m. It was morning then. She'd slept through the night.

She tried to sit up and gasped at the pain that shot across her midsection. Not for the first time, she tried to recall that catalog of aches and pains and compare to her her memories. She came up empty.

"Good morning, Miss Castle," a nurse said as she came into the room. "My name is Tori. Can I help you sit up?"

The rest of the morning passed in a blur. With the help of her nurse, she'd gotten out of bed and had made the exhausting walk to the bathroom where she'd changed her clothes and cleaned up. She'd then been seated at the little table in the corner of the room and given her breakfast. Alexis had found herself starving and had eaten all of it except the yogurt, which had a key lime flavor that she found she didn't like. When she'd asked her father, he'd informed her that she'd hated the flavor ever since she'd eaten a bad key lime pie when she was eleven. She'd completely forgotten.

After breakfast, she'd been given more pain medication, then nurse had checked her bandages and Alexis had discovered several large cuts on her legs and chest that she hadn't known were there. Again, she had no idea where they'd come from.

She was tucked back in her hospital bed after that, feeling clean, full, and medicated but no less anxious. Her father had stayed with her through the exhausting ordeal, looking just as anxious after being exposed to his daughter's trauma.

Just as she was about to tell him to go home and get some rest, there was a knock at her hospital room door. Captain Beckett stood on the threshold, a folder tucked under her arm.

"You're a sight for sore eyes, Detective." She smiled at both of them. "Do you mind if I come in and visit for a while?"

"Of course, Captain." Alexis' eyes slid over to her father, who watched the woman in the doorway with an expression that she couldn't parse.

"Dad, this is—"

"Hello again, Kate."

"Mr. Castle." Beckett nodded to him as she took a seat on the opposite side of Alexis' hospital bed.

"You two… you met?" Alexis asked.

Her dad nodded. "While you were still unconscious. Captain Beckett and I have had a lot of talks lately."

Alexis didn't know how what to think of that, but she had a feeling the development wasn't in her favor.

"How are you feeling?" Beckett asked.

"I've been better."

"I know you've just woken up and no doubt have bigger concerns right now, but I do have some questions about your most recent case that I hope you can answer for me. I'm sure you've got some questions of your own."

"Okay. Ask away."

"First, I'd like to tell you that we're all hoping for a full recovery and everyone at the precinct is thinking about you. Many of them have donated sick time to you so you can have more time to recovery without worrying about returning to work."

Alexis was touched by this. "Wow. I umm…. I am I allowed to return to work?" The question had been at the forefront of her shattered mind from the moment she'd seen her boss in the doorway. While Alexis was still missing some very important pieces, she remembered enough to suspect that she was in a world of trouble.

"Yes. We'll talk more about the specifics as we get closer though, okay? I'm told you've got a long recovery ahead of you, and that's where your focus should be."

Alexis nodded. "Alright."

"Alexis, I'm wondering if you can tell me about what you remember?"

Her heart sinking, Alexis did her best to describe what she recalled starting with finding Amelia's body and ending the day Seth had attacked her and Javier in the parking garage.

"And you don't remember anything after that?" Beckett asked.

"No."

The police captain opened up the folder and removed a large photo. "Do you know this man?"

The moment the photo fell in her lap, Alexis smacked it away, her heart racing. She heard the monitor beeping loudly. A phantom pain echoed in her thigh, sharp as a knife.

"Do you remember him?" her dad asked.

Alexis shook her head. "No. I—I don't understand. I don't know w-why I—" She found her breaths growing short, and her dad took her hand.

"Breathe," he said. "Just breath for a minute."

She sucked sweet oxygen into her lungs, not unaware of the pity in Captain Beckett's expression as she tucked the photo back into the folder. "W-who?" Alexis demanded.

"His name is Andres Moreno, and we have evidence that he assaulted you when he realized you were getting close to pinning him for murder."

"Amelia," Alexis said.

"That's right. And you don't remember him?"

"No. I don't remember . . . he did this to me?"

"Yes. But according to our sources, you met him a few weeks before he assaulted you. Before the attack in the parking garage, too. And you believed that he was guilty."

Alexis' heart sank. "I don't—" she blinked rapidly, acutely aware of her broken state. Her shattered mind. The fact that even as she blinked away tears, she only had use of one eye to do it. She shook her head.

"Honestly, Detective, I hope you'll forgive me for saying this, but not remembering what happened to you wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

Alexis wasn't sure she agreed.

"Now, I've gotten an account of your involvement in this case, particularly where your off-the-clock behavior is concerned," Beckett continued. "Now that you've told me what you do remember, I'll make sure these pieces of your account are added to the case against Moreno."

"Does my account even count for anything?" Alexis asked. "I'm not exactly a…." she paused, trying to find the right words and coming up empty. "My memories can't be trusted." She didn't add the fact that Beckett probably didn't find her trustworthy after learning about what she'd done to find justice for Amelia.

Beckett's silence was answer enough. She cleared her throat. "We're all praying for a speedy recovery, Detective."

"I think it's time Alexis gets some rest," her dad said, his tone a little sharper than Alexis was used to. "I'll see you out."

After Captain Beckett said goodbye and Rick promised to be right back after swinging by the loft to pick up Martha, Alexis settled back against the mattress, her mind exhausted. She was in for a world of trouble. Even if she bounced back one-hundred percent, there was no guarantee that her career would recover.

She reminded herself that a murderer was behind bars now, but the consolation felt hollow. Nothing like how she thought she'd feel when she'd started hunting down Amelia's killer. Amelia was still dead, after all. Finding her killer didn't change that. And Alexis had almost ended up with a tag on her toe as well—

There was a knock at the door, and she saw Kevin Ryan on the threshold, a tupperware tucked under his arm. "Hey."

Her overtaxed mind froze, once again stuck on the impossibility of Kevin standing in front of her, seeking her company.

"Mind if I come in?"

She blinked at him for a moment. "Um, sure."

He took a seat at her bedside, in the same chair Captain Beckett had occupied. He set the tupperware down on her nightstand, and Alexis thought she could see chocolate-chip cookies inside.

Her caught her staring at the treats. "They're for you. Baked with love." He smiled, though it looked a little hesitant.

Alexis stared at him for what she was sure was longer than appropriate.

"Okay. Thanks."

"You're welcome. You look good. Better than yesterday. How are you feeling?" The words tumbled out so quickly it took her another long string of seconds to unpack their sounds and find meaning. The brightness in his eyes and the quiet desperation in his smile were painful to look at.

"Um, tired." She blinked, then let her eyes focus on the blanket covering her lower half. "Confused."

"The doctor said you had some memory loss."

She just nodded.

"But you remember me, right?"

"Yeah."

"What else do you remember?"

Her eyes flicked up to his at that question that everyone wanted an answer to, that impossible request that had her scraping the inside of her mind raw, and she blew out a breath. "What are you doing here, Kevin?"

He looked at her like she'd slapped him. "Where else would I be?"

"Living your life?" she said. "Away from me? Don't you . . . have work? Somewhere else to be?"

"Not right now," he said. "Look, I know I let you down. And every moment I spent trying to find you after Moreno took you, knowing that I might never get a chance to make things up to you. It just… it made me realize how important you are to me."

"You helped?" She shook her head in confusion. "You were there?"

"Javi and I found you. We were there when…" he trailed off. "I kind of wish I'd put a bullet in Moreno."

"Where is he now?"

"In jail, awaiting trial. We've got the evidence to put him away for a long time. Thanks to you."

"And this is-this is—where you want to be?"

"Look, I know we've had a rough go of things, and I'm sure I've disappointed and hurt you. I know I have. But I care about you. And if you'll let me, I'd like to be here for you. To help you."

"What does that mean? You want to get back together? I don't understand where this is coming from. You… you hate me. The last time we spoke—"

He took her hand, his skin warming her chilled fingers. "I'm so sorry. I don't have any expectations. I just want to help you. That's all."

"I don't want ch-charity."

"That's not what this is."

She sighed and pulled her hand away from his, overwrought by her visitors and their impossible questions. "Let me think."

He nodded, forcing something like a smile to his lips. Once again, the expression on his face was too painful to look at for long. "My number's the same, okay? We gave your phone to your dad, so you can call me if you want to."

"Okay."

He stepped away from her bed, but lingered in the doorway. "I just want to help. That's all."

Alexis didn't answer, and after four heartbeats she heard Kevin's footsteps retreating before the silence could stretch on any longer.

* * *

It was almost two weeks later when Kevin's phone pinged with a new text message. He'd been repainting his apartment, simultaneously trying to keep busy during his unpaid leave and trying to tackle the daunting task of making his apartment feel like a home.

The suggestion had come from a self-help book he'd picked up at the library. Six others of its kind were stacked on his nightstand, waiting their turn to empower him.

He was meditating. He was exercising. He was eating food that didn't come wrapped in foil, and he hadn't had liquor since he'd been on his assignment. He was deep cleaning his apartment and looking at furniture on craigslist. He was visiting his family and making amends and knee-deep in those goddamn books that talked about self-actualization and habits and mantras. And it helped. It really did.

But in the back of his mind, he was never quite able to escape all the things he _wasn't_ doing.

He wasn't talking to Alexis.

He wasn't bringing her care packages.

He wasn't bribing nurses—or anyone—for updates on her recovery.

It felt wrong, not doing those things.

So when his phone pinged— _his_ phone, not Fenton's—he just about upended a can of bright yellow paint in his rush to answer.

The message was short, and for the first time in almost two weeks, Kevin felt like he could breathe again.

 _Bring more cookies the next time you come._

* * *

Author's Note: Happy New Year! Thanks very much for your patience and for sticking with us. Please review!


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

Kevin met Javi at the elevator, a brown paper bag held in the crook of his arm.

"Hey, Ryan," Javi said. "What have you got there?"

"Made some minestrone soup for Alexis," he said as they got in the elevator together. "It's her favorite. Or it used to be."

"You gonna bill the hospital for all the food you've provided for their patient?" Minestrone wasn't the first meal he'd brought the redhead in the days since she'd woken up, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last.

"Hospital couldn't afford it." Kevin smirked. "This is top-notch stuff."

"How are things in narcotics?"

Kevin shrugged. "I get to keep my job, if that's what you're asking."

"Really?" Kevin could hear the surprise in Javier's tone. "No punishment?"

Kevin was more than a little surprised himself. "Probation and three weeks unpaid leave."

"How'd that slap on the wrist feel?"

Kevin snorted, not unaware of the edge in Javier's tone. His former best friend hadn't forgiven him. Not yet. But Kevin found that he was okay with it. As far as he was concerned, he had plenty of penance still ahead of him. "I think it helped that we got Moreno. It happened in pretty much the messiest way possible, but we got him."

"You think they'll send you undercover again?"

Kevin shook his head. "Fenton O'Connell's out of mileage. I'll be handling other undercover assets when I get back. Not the worst change." The elevator doors slid open and they stepped onto Alexis' floor. "And I don't wanna leave again."

"It's about time you stopped running,"

Kevin didn't disagree. Javier knocker on the door, and they heard a muffled "come in."

The detectives stepped into the hospital room. Rick was seated at a small table next to the window, his laptop in front of him. When he saw them gracing the doorway of his daughter's room, he closed his laptop and looked between Kevin and Javier. "No Captain Beckett today?"

"You'll have to find another time to ogle my boss," Javier quipped.

Beckett had visited a handful of times since Alexis had ended up hospitalized, always bringing that quiet kindness, helping wherever she felt it was appropriate to do so. And it was during those visits that Alexis' boss had gotten to know her father. The two got along surprisingly well, despite how little they knew each other. More than once Kevin or Javier had been at Alexis' bedside, keeping an eye on her during one of her many naps, while Beckett treated Castle to coffee downstairs, or vice versa. When he'd asked about it, Kate had just said that it helped Rick to process his grief and understand his daughter just a little bit better. Her life at the precinct was a piece she'd always kept separate from her father.

"Hey, chica," Javier said as he moved toward Alexis, who was also seated at the small table. She'd been typing into her cell phone with a small frown on her face when they'd walked in. "How's my favorite invalid?" Though he was reticent to talk about it, Kevin was sure Javi felt guilty for Alexis' state, and as a result he visited almost as often as Kevin did.

Alexis hugged him back, her good arm wrapping around his back. "Long time," she smiled. "I was w-wondering when you'd show your face around here."

That remark sent a thread of tension through the room.

"Honey," Rick said, "Detective Esposito was here yesterday. Remember? He brought you some fresh flowers to brighten up the room." Rick gestured to the vase of lilies in the corner, next to her bed.

Heat spread across her cheeks, and her shoulders curled forward just a little bit as she glanced at the lilies. "That's right," she said with a smile that better resembled a grimace. "Sorry, Javi." It didn't take a detective to read between those lines. She didn't remember.

"Don't worry about it," Javier said.

It was then that her gaze landed on Kevin, then briefly dropped to the brown paper bag in his hands. He watched that familiar crease appear between her eyes. Confusion. She always had that look around him now, like he was a particularly challenging case she just couldn't figure out. He wished he could speak to her alone and find out exactly what was so difficult for her to understand. Of course, with Rick or Martha or Javi always around, Kevin didn't see that happening anytime soon.

"Minestrone," he offered as he held up the bag with a small smile.

"I love minestrone," she said, then her eyes widened a bit, her expression brightening as she realized she'd successfully remembered something about herself. "You remembered that?"

"I did." He set it on the counter next to the sink for later. An empty tupperware was set next to the sink, the container from yesterday's enchiladas.

Again, her expression tightened. "That's . . . very nice. Thank you." He wished he could tell if the falter in her speech was due to her injury or if she genuinely struggled to understand him doing something nice for her.

"You're welcome. How'd you like your meal yesterday?"

"It was . . . very . . . um... " she paused. "Delight?" She looked at her dad.

"Delicious," he offered.

"Delicious," she amended, turning her reddening face back to Kevin. "I like the chicken enchiladas the best."

"I'm glad. How'd they measure up to the chocolate chip cookies?" he asked, referring to a snack he'd brought in a few days earlier. This was a game they'd played every day since he'd started bringing her care packages. He brought her favorites, home-cooked meals and snacks he knew she liked to eat, and then the next day he quizzed her on them. Unlike the gifts she'd received from others and the conversations she'd had with other people in the days since she'd woken up, Alexis never seemed to forget the care packages he brought.

Her lips twitched. "No comparison. It's like apples and… o-oranges." Her lips pulled back into a full-blown smile when she turned to her father, who was watching their exchange with interest. "Dad ate most of them, though."

"Chocolate's my weakness," Rick confessed.

"One of many," Alexis said. If her father disliked being teased about his shortcomings, he didn't show it.

"Good thing I've got my brilliant detective daughter to bail me out, huh?"

Alexis' smile faltered just a bit, and she turned to Javier. "How are things at the precinct?"

Kevin sat nearby, feeling like a third wheel as Javier and Alexis chatted about work. Rick typed away on his laptop, working on a new project for the first time in years. Kevin tried not to focus on the fact that Javier was telling Alexis a story for the third time in five days, and she was taking it in with as much as interest as if she'd never heard it before.

He'd spoken with the doctor outside her room the day she'd finally woken up, and Dr. Campbell had mentioned this possibility. Had told him how Alexis didn't remember anything about being assaulted and was even missing several days leading up to her abduction. How she struggled to find words, struggled to remember things associated with past memories. How, difficulties aside, she could read and write and speak and listen, and that was the best sign they could hope for.

But still, she was recovering. The bandages had been removed from her eye, and true to Dr. Campbell's promise, Alexis could see. Her face was still bruised, but she was able to move around her hospital room now for short periods of time. The cast on her arm would be on for another month, but she spent more and more time awake. She was taking less pain medication. She was reading and writing faster and seemed to have almost no problem understanding things people said to her.

She'd have a long recovery ahead with the damage to her liver, not to say anything of her mental recovery, but she was bouncing back. So Kevin held onto that hope and found himself marveling every time he saw her smile. The fact that she could still smile, even if it wasn't at him, was amazing. She was amazing.

"You expecting a call?" he heard Javi ask.

Alexis blushed and slid her phone back into the pocket of the thin robe the hospital had given her. She'd been checking it on and off during their visit. "Sorry."

"No problem. I gotta get going anyway. Hot date tonight," Javier smirked.

"Tell Lanie I said hi."

Javier hugged her briefly before stepping back. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Bye, Javi."

He patted Kevin's shoulder on the way out of the hospital room, and Kevin nodded to him in farewell. Alexis and Kevin were left alone, save for Rick typing away in the corner. Alexis glanced down at her phone again, and a crease appeared between her eyes as she slid it back into her pocket.

Who would she be texting? From what he'd gleaned about her personal relationships, pretty much everyone in her life visited her in the hospital every day. Maybe she was talking with her grandmother. Martha was doing a quick, week-long tour for her most recent show.

Kevin cleared his throat. "I'm, um, running out of ideas on food to bring you. Any suggestions?"

She didn't respond at first, and he wasn't sure if he should nudge her or if she was just considering her answer. It seemed like Javi had taken all the warmth—in the room _and_ in Alexis' personality—with him when he'd left.

"I'm not sure," she finally said.

"Well, there was that tiramisu," he suggested, remembering the dessert he'd made after their six-month anniversary. "You liked that."

"No tiramisu. I don't see what there is to celebrate."

He blinked. So she remembered that meal. He wondered if she remembered what happened after their meal, how halfway into dessert they'd found a new use for the chocolate mascarpone filling and hadn't even made it out of the dining room before he was inside her. The melody of her moans echoed in his mind. He cleared his throat, shaking away the bittersweet memories. "I think there's plenty to celebrate. You're alive. You're healing. You're being released soon, right?"

She nodded. "Just a few days."

"If that's not tiramisu-worthy, then I don't know what is," he said gently, trying to prompt a smile from her. "If you like, I can bring it over when you're released. I'll make enough for you Dad and Martha and Javi and Beckett. It can be a proper celebration."

Instead, that crease on her forehead deepened, and she blew out a breath. "Dad," she said to Rick, "can you go get me a cup of c-coffee from d-downstairs?"

"Sure thing, pumpkin." Rick flashed Kevin a sympathetic look on his way out.

Kevin's heart sank. Shit. He'd come on too strong. Crossed some invisible boundary he hadn't known about.

"Kevin—"

"I overstepped. I'm sorry," he said quickly. "If you don't want tiramisu, then I won't make it."

She toyed with the belt on her hospital-issue robe. "I'm going to stay with my dad for a while. So he and Grams can keep an eye on me. Make sure I don't relapse. Make sure I take my meds. That kind of thing. I'm subletting my apartment. I probably won't go back for a while."

"That makes sense." His heart raced. Where was she going with this? "I bet it'll be nice to get out of this hospital room."

"And while I'm staying at my dad's, I've been ordered to go to therapy. Physical and mental. And once my therapists have signed off, I'll go back to the precinct part-time. Javi and Beckett are going to be working with me personally to make sure I'm up to snuff. I think," she paused, "I think I'll probably be on probation once I'm well enough to actually do my job. I-I don't know when I'll go back to active status."

"You've got a plan and a support system. That's great."

"I've got a lot of mother hens. Everyone is lining up to help me." She finally forced herself to look at him, his blue eyes clashing with her own. "I don't need another caretaker, Kevin. I'm sure . . . I'm sure you have a life to get back to."

His fingers curled tight into the palm of his hand. "Helping you isn't stopping me from living my life. You don't need to worry about that."

"And you don't need to worry about me, either. I'll be fine."

He shook his head. "What if I want to worry about you? What if I like being around you?"

She grimaced, and he couldn't help but flinch at the expression. "What do you want from me, Kevin?"

"I want to help you."

"Why?" Frustration and exhaustion bled into the lone syllable. "You don't owe me anything. Before this, you couldn't stand me. You couldn't wait to push me out of your life. What's changed?"

"How can you even ask that?" He sat forward in his seat, weeks of pent up frustration bleeding out of him. He would regret that morning in Fenton's apartment, when she'd come to him for help and he'd sent her away, for the rest of his life. "Yes, we've had some pretty ugly fights. And yes, I've lied to you. And you tried to use me, and you've told lies of your own. But after the last few months—after everything we've been through together. Working this case, doing scenes together, how can you believe that I wouldn't want to help you? That I wouldn't care about you? I think our history has shown that it's impossible for me to not want to protect you, to not—" he stopped, his voice going soft. "To not love you."

Alexis' eyes were wide as saucers. "What are you talking about?"

Kevin sat back, his eyes scanning over her confused expression. Had she—

"Knock, knock," a soft masculine voice said. They both turned to see a dark-haired young man standing in the doorway, holding a bouquet of yellow roses. His face sparked recognition but Kevin couldn't quite place him.

Alexis gasped. "Ashley?"

Kevin's stomach turned over as the young man stepped forward, offering the bouquet. Ashley Linden. The only other man Alexis had ever been in a serious relationship with. The man she'd almost married.

"You are a sight for sore eyes," Ashley said.

Alexis's shocked expression shifted, and the corners of her mouth turned up the slightest bit as she accepted the bouquet—the first smile he'd seen since Javier had left earlier.

Alexis didn't spare a single glance at Kevin. Her focus was entirely on her ex-boyfriend. "It's good to see you, Ashley."

* * *

Author's Note: Aaaaaaand we're back!


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

Kevin watched, his heart sinking, as Alexis smiled at the newcomer. "It's good to see you, Ashley."

While Kevin had known it would take time to earn back Alexis's trust, he felt like he'd been knocked over the edge of a precipice, free falling while Alexis's gentle suggestion that he move on with his life rang in his ears. While her shock and confusion at his confession of love flashed in his mind. There was something there, something etched into the disbelief on her face, encoded into the countless awkward encounters they'd had since she'd woken up. It was almost as if—

"What are you doing here?" Alexis asked as Ashley approached the table she and Kevin were sitting at.

"I'm in town for a shoot, and my parents told me what happened to you. I guess they heard about it from your grandmother when they saw her show," he explained. He eyed her arm, still in a cast, and set the bouquet gently on the table in front of her. "I figured I'd come for a visit. I hope that's okay."

She nodded quickly, seeming to have none of the unease or hesitance she'd shown to Kevin. "It's very kind of you. Ash, have you met Kevin? He's—"

"Ah, the boyfriend, right?" Ashley offered Kevin his hand. "Ashley Linden."

Kevin felt blood rush to his face and glanced helplessly at Alexis, whose face had gone the same shade as her hair. All things considered, it was kind of nice to know that any connection to Kevin—even an erroneous one—had the power to make her blush like that. Some of the panic clenching around his heart loosened.

Kevin took the younger man's hand. "Kevin Ryan. And I'm just a friend."

"Really? I thought—" Ashley shook his head. "Nevermind. I must have been mistaken." He glanced between the two, and then looked back at Alexis, the person he'd really come to see. Kevin watched Ashley's gaze slip over Alexis' battered frame, a small frown tugging at his lips. Alexis caught the expression too, if the way she self-consciously crossed her good arm over her cast was any indication.

Kevin cleared his throat and stood up. "I've gotta get back to work," he lied. Whatever reason Ashley had for dropping in, it wasn't to make small talk with him. "Alexis, I'll call you later?"

She nodded. "Yeah, call me. We can finish our talk." She gave him a smile that was emptier than her promise, and Kevin got the message loud and clear.

Even if he did call, she didn't want to talk to him.

Not anymore.

* * *

"How's your physical therapy coming?" Mora, Alexis's psychiatrist asked.

The redhead shrugged. "It's fine. I'm healing nicely."

That was what her surgeon and physical therapist said, anyway. It had been a month since she'd woken up in that hospital room, and despite her various doctors and therapists assuring her she was recovering fairly quickly, she felt like she was moving in slow-motion. The hard cast on her arm had been traded in for a soft brace. The bruising on her face had healed, as had the incisions from her various surgeries. Concealer did a good job covering up the pink scar near her right eye, and the bigger scars from her gunshot wound and Moreno's knife were covered by her clothes.

If Alexis didn't know better, one might have thought she'd never been hurt at all.

"And your pain?"

"It's manageable." And while she was still tender in several places, she was up and on her feet, pushing herself to do better. She'd stopped taking any pain medication almost as soon as she'd been discharged from the hospital. She didn't need anything else clouding her brain. "My physical therapist cleared me to return to work the other day. Desk duty. Part-time."

Her therapist nodded. "That's great. Do you feel ready to go back?"

"I think I can handle part-time." Alexis scoffed. "I don't suppose you want to give me the greenlight to go back full-time, active duty?" Unfortunately, the green light from her physical therapist and doctor didn't mean she could just go back to work. She'd need her therapist to sign off too, and even after a month of weekly sessions Alexis had no clue whether she was making any kind of progress by her therapist's standards.

The woman gave her a soft smile and then flipped through the notes she'd taken during their weekly meetings over the last four weeks.

"How are you sleeping these days?" Mora asked.

It was a gentle dismissal, but a dismissal no less. Alexis wasn't surprised. Hell, she'd be surprised if her therapist approved her going back to work at all. It was one thing to heal broken bones and stitched up skin.

Her brain was another story.

"The same as last week," Alexis answered with a frown. "It's either too much or too little. I'll sleep for a day and a half or won't sleep for three—it's all out of whack."

"I can prescribe a medication that might help with that."

Alexis shook her head. Her brain had to work hard enough as it was. She _was_ making progress, but there were still days when she felt like she was walking through fog. When she felt exactly as lost as she'd been the day she'd woken up from her coma. Alexis had no interest in adding medication to the mix. "I'll keep trying the natural remedies we talked about."

The woman nodded. "And where are you at today? Too much or too little?"

Alexis thought of the tossing and turning she'd done the night before, the thoughts that plagued her through the darkest hours of the night. It wasn't until the sun had begun to rise and her alarm was minutes away from going off that she'd begun to feel sleepy. "I didn't sleep last night."

"Any bad dreams? New memories that you're afraid of facing?"

Alexis shook her head. When she'd woken up in that hospital room, she'd been faced with more questions than she could scrape together answers for. That much hadn't changed in the weeks since she'd woken up. And while her brain was getting better at remembering those missing pieces of her life _before_ Moreno had essentially bashed her head in, she still couldn't remember what he'd done to her, was still missing the days leading up to his assault.

"Okay, well, the last time we had you in we talked about your case—about Amelia Parry and your work to find her killer. You mentioned someone named Fenton quite a bit. Can you tell me more about him? I understand he played a big role in your case work?"

His lilting voice slid through her battered mind. _Come for me, pretty girl._

Alexis grimaced as an ache pulsed in her chest. "I don't want to talk about him. Not today."

Mora paused for a moment before looking back down at her notes. Alexis had tried to be as open as possible during their sessions, showing good faith so Mora might allow her to go back to work sooner. Would this first refusal slow things down?

"That's fine," she finally said. "Maybe next time. How are things at home right now?"

Alexis jumped right in, eager to prove she wasn't being stubborn. They talked about Alexis's adjusting to living with her father and grandmother again. How her dad had turned into a bit of a mother hen, but he was also writing for the first time in years, a new project about a female detective that had been inspired by Captain Beckett, though her dad had sworn her to secrecy on the last part. Alexis helped as much as she could, pointing out inaccuracies and suggesting alternative solutions, even brainstorming the mystery plot together. For the first time in years, things felt easy between them. Alexis had missed it, and it was the silver lining to the complete shitshow her life had become.

"Great work today, Alexis," Mora said when their session came to an end. "I want you to keep working on those memory exercises."

"Okay."

"And while I don't think you're ready to return to active duty, I do think going back to the precinct part-time may be a nice change for you. It can offer some structure and help ease you back into things, if you feel you're ready for it."

Alexis blinked. "Really? I can go back to work?"

Her therapist nodded and passed over the signed paperwork. "Part-time, non-active," she clarified. "But yes."

Alexis was smiling as she left her therapist's office. Once she made it to the street, her phone chimed, a reminder for her next appointment that afternoon. She was due at the precinct to sign some more medical leave paperwork, but since she'd been approved to go back to work, maybe she could share that with Captain Beckett instead.

She opened the reminder, reviewing the extensive notes she'd left for herself when making the appointment: the address and in-depth subway directions to the precinct, a reminder to bring her metro card, wallet, ID, and necessary paperwork.

Her short-term memory hadn't been great since her trauma, and while she'd been assured that it could take a full year to recover from a traumatic brain injury and that she was right on track, it was a frustrating way to live. Alexis had picked up some shorthand ways to cope, like writing extensive notes and setting reminders in her calendar to reference whenever she got lost or forgot about things. Hopefully she was still considered competent enough to go back to work.

As she walked through the turnstile to get on the subway platform, her phone began buzzing. It was Ashley. She'd been surprised as anyone the day that he'd stopped by to visit her in the hospital, but since then they'd become fast friends. It was easy to remember why she'd fallen in love with him all those years ago, though she couldn't claim to feel anything other than friendship for him now.

"Hey."

"How was your session?" he asked.

"Good, I think. She green-lighted me to go back to work part-time, so that's something."

'That's great! We should celebrate! You wanna come over to my place later? Or we can go out?"

She smiled. "You mean _my_ place?"

Ashley was a photographer, and he'd come back to New York for a brief photoshoot, but since they'd reconnected he kept finding new gigs—more reasons to stick around New York and to spend time with her. When Alexis brought it up, he'd simply shrugged it off and told her that staying in New York for a while longer was good for his career. When he'd quickly grown tired of staying with his parents, he'd jumped on the opportunity to sublet her apartment.

"Yes, Madame Landlady. My apologies. So, tacos? We can stay in or go to that place around the corner?"

"Um, sure. I have to stop by the precinct first to drop off this paperwork and talk to Captain Beckett about getting back to work, but staying in sounds good."

"Great!" he asked. "Just swing by after your appointment. I'm done with shoots for the day, so I'll be ready when you are."

"See you then."

She ended the call and then, almost like a compulsion, glanced at her text message inbox to see if a message had come in.

Nothing.

She sighed and got on the train to the precinct.

* * *

Alexis was all too aware of the eyes on her and she walked onto the homicide floor. It was her first time stepping foot in the precinct since her assault, and she didn't know how much her colleagues knew about how she'd ended up hospitalized. If they knew about her off-the-books police work, about Fenton . . . she took a deep breath and kept her eyes locked forward.

This was her job. One she wanted to come back to as soon as possible. The sooner she got through all the awkwardness, the better.

"Castle!"

Alexis looked toward the bullpen to see Detective Karpowski coming over, a smile on her face. "It's great to see you!"

She let out the breath she'd been holding. "Thanks. You too."

"You coming back to work, or what?"

"Um, hopefully. At least part-time. I'm actually here to see Captain Beckett . . ." she trailed off, her attention drawn by the detective at the desk behind Karpowski. Detective Ray Collins. He was closer to Javier's age and level of seniority and had recently transferred from another precinct. She hadn't had the opportunity to work with him much before everything blew up in her face.

He smirked at her when their eyes met. "I see the damsel in distress has found her way back to work."

"Shut it, Collins," Karpowski snapped. She turned back to Alexis. "Ignore him. We're happy to have you back whenever you're ready." She gestured to the row of offices near the wall. "I think the captain's in her office right now."

Alexis smiled gratefully and moved on. Captain Beckett was in her office, but she wasn't alone. Esposito, Captain Jeremy Morgan, the head of narcotics, and none other than Kevin Ryan were in the office with her, in a heated discussion of some kind. Kevin, in particular, looked furious. What was going on?

Beckett noticed Alexis loitering outside her office and gestured for her to come in.

"Detective Castle, it's good to see you," Beckett said, her expression softening.

"I didn't know you were coming in!" Javier said, pulling her into very gentle hug. He'd been treating her like glass since she'd woken up in the hospital, a far cry from the way he used to hand her ass to her on the sparring mat in the morning.

Captain Morgan nodded at her, but didn't say anything. He didn't look happy to see her barging in on the meeting.

She couldn't bring herself to look at Kevin, though she felt his eyes on her, drinking her in. She felt kind of sloppy looking in her jeans and sweater, compared to the three-piece suit he wore so well. He'd called her three times over the last month, and she'd avoided him each time. If she'd known she was going to run into him at work, she might have answered.

What was he doing here anyway?

"I can wait till your meeting is over," Alexis offered.

Beckett shook her head. "No, this involves you too. Your timing is actually uncanny. Do you want to sit down?"

Alexis glanced at the three chairs in front of Beckett's desk, which were occupied by the three men in the room. Javier and Kevin both hopped up, but she shook her head. She needed to show a strong front if she was going to be allowed to come back to work. No special treatment—even if she was tired and sore from not sleeping and running around the city all day. "I'll stand. So what's going on?"

Beckett looked at Kevin meaningfully, then glanced back at Alexis. "Moreno wants to cut a deal with the DA."

The words sounded positive, but based on the captain's expression, Alexis felt dread weighing down her stomach. "Okay? What does he want?"

"He's willing to plead guilty and confess everything to the DA—if you and Detective Ryan are there for the confession," Beckett explained. "And if you two don't show up, he'll plead not guilty and the whole thing will go to trial."

Alexis frowned. So Moreno would confess, but only if she had to relive the whole thing while he did it. That actually seemed pretty in-character, all things considered. But why her and _Kevin_?

"We have enough evidence to put him away for a long time," Kevin said definitively, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Whether he pleads guilty or this goes to trial, he's not going to win. He just wants one last chance to screw with us, and there's no need to put Alexis through that."

"He might though," Beckett said. "A lot can happen at trial, and considering the circumstances of his arrest and the ways in which some of the evidence was collected, it's possible he could get a lighter sentence, maybe even get off entirely on a technicality. Plus we have no idea what he or his lawyer have up their sleeves. It's worth considering making the deal for the sure thing."

Alexis felt heat rush to her face. Everyone in the room knew what Beckett was referring to with the "special circumstances." Alexis had found the killer, but her police work hadn't exactly been top-notch.

"But that's not Alexis's problem to fix," Javier said. "This is asking too much."

They were talking about her like she wasn't even in the room. Would they have even told her about this at all if she hadn't happened to stop by?

"I think she's getting off lucky, considering everything," Morgan grunted. "We don't want to waste this opportunity."

"We're not taking the deal!" Kevin snapped.

"You wanna start thinking with your brain instead of your dick, Ryan?" Morgan snapped back. "This is open and shut; we shouldn't even be having this conversation." He turned to Alexis. "You fucked up royally on this one, Castle. Now you have a chance to clean up this mess you've made. Are you going to take it or not?"

Javier stood up so fast he knocked his chair back. "Take it down a notch, Morgan. You're not her captain. You can't just bully her—"

Alexis looked away from the three men squabbling and met Beckett's eyes. "I'll do it." Her voice was soft enough that the men didn't hear her, too busy continuing to bicker over her wellbeing.

"Perfect," Beckett said loudly. "I'll let the DA know."

The men paused, and Kevin spun to look at Alexis. "You agreed? You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't. I want to." She took a deep breath. "Besides, it's not like I remember what he did to me—"

"So you want a play-by-play of the whole thing?" he demanded.

"So he's already done his worst. And Captain Morgan is right. This is my mess." Not for the first time she was relieved that she didn't remember everything about her trauma. She _did_ remember how she'd reacted when she'd seen his picture at the hospital, and she hoped that enough time had passed that she'd be able to keep it together in front of the real thing.

If she thought Kevin looked furious before, it was nothing compared to now. "This is bullshit!"

"What are you even doing in here, Ryan?" Alexis snapped. "This doesn't concern you! This is my life, my decision, and my case. I should be the one to see it through to the end."

He stopped, confusion spreading across his features. Beckett stood up. "Well now that that's settled, I believe Detective Castle and I have some things to discuss. Privately."

And just like when she'd walked in, Alexis felt Kevin's eyes on her long after he'd left the room.

* * *

The captain had been understandably skeptical about Alexis's request to return to work just five weeks after being assaulted, but she'd decided to allow it—with some rules of her own:

"Make no mistake, Castle," Beckett had said. "You're still on probation, and this is a part-time desk job until I say otherwise. You will continue therapy and won't go full-time until me, your doctor, and therapist give you the green light. Your priority right now is healing and earning my trust again, earning your partner's trust again. I'm not allowing you to come back just so you can fall into old habits. If I see you working extra hours, or working off the clock, I _will_ take your badge. There will be no more second chances. Do you understand?"

Alexis's mouth had gone dry. "I understand. Thank you, sir."

All things considered, her talk with Beckett had gone surprisingly well.

When Alexis walked about of Beckett's office, she found Javi and Kevin speaking in low voices by Javier's desk. They abruptly stopped when she walked out, and she knew they were talking about her. She was exhausted and still processing the stern care that Beckett had dished out, and she wanted nothing more than to sink onto her couch and listen to Ashley prattle on about the difficulty of herding models around Central Park.

"Bye, Javi. See you in a couple days," she said as she passed them.

"Can't wait to have you back."

She stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. As the doors slid shut, a hand shot through the gap, stopping the elevator's progress.

"Might if I ride down with you?" Kevin asked, his hand still holding the door open.

Alexis shrugged. "Sure."

He stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the narcotics floor at the same time her phone rang.

"Hi, Ash."

"Sorry, what kind of tacos did you want?"

Alexis was very aware of Kevin's eyes on her as she answered. "Um, spicy chicken, I think. Maybe with some cilantro-lime sauce."

"This place doesn't do that. You're thinking of the taco cart across town. The one we stopped at after seeing that movie about—"

She sighed and rubbed her face. God, she was tired of her memory failing her. "Whatever you think sounds good then. I'm on my way home."

"Got it."

She hung up and slid her phone in her purse.

There was a glorious beat of silence and then, "So you and Ashley, huh?"

Alexis felt her shoulders curling forward. "What about it?"

"I think it's cute. It's like this long-awaited reunion." She couldn't read his expression, but his casual smile didn't reach anywhere near his eyes. "He was your first love right?"

"We're just friends."

"And I'm sure that's all he's interested in being," Kevin muttered.

"Why do you even care?" Alexis scoffed.

Kevin's lips pursed. "You know, I'm getting really tired of hearing you ask that. 'Why do I care?' 'Why am I sticking around?' 'Why don't I mind my own business?' I thought we'd talked about all of this back in the hospital."

She folded her arms in front of her chest. "And I'm still waiting for a good answer."

The elevators pinged and the doors slid open to the narcotics floor, but Kevin didn't exit. Instead, he pressed the button to close the doors and turned back to her.

"Isn't this your floor?" she asked.

"It can wait. What do you mean you're still waiting for an answer? Have you not listened to anything I've said? Or do you just not remember?"

She flinched. "And there's Detective Asshole."

He shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. It's a genuine question because I don't know what else I'm supposed to say to help you understand how I feel."

"What?" She blinked and he took a step forward.

" _That_ is what I mean. I try to talk to you about how I feel about you, _about us_ , and every single time you look at me like I've grown a second head. Talk to me. What part of this is so confusing for you?"

"All of it." The venom had slipped out of her voice. "You . . . hate me."

"No, I don't—"

"We broke up," she said, confusion still pounding in her head. "Because of me, and maybe a little bit because of you too, but the point is that I've learned to live with that mistake. And I've been trying to move on. And now I'm here, trying to get back to work, and you're cornering me in the elevator to confess—what? That you love me? You don't love me, Kevin."

"Don't I get to decide that for myself?"

His words sent a flicker of recognition through her, and she blinked, trying to place where she had heard them before.

" _You don't really want me."_

 _His hands closed over her shoulders and his head tilted forward; his body was slowly molding around hers, blocking out her ability to stand strong, to think. "What were you looking for?" he asked again, his tone somehow both gentle and unyielding. His voice was absent of the accented lilt she'd grown accustomed to, but there was no mistaking the intensity in those honey-brown eyes._

" _I…." She shook her head slightly, feeling that subtle dominance scatter her resolve._

 _His hand slid from her shoulder to the nape of her neck. His fingers twined in the thick locks of hair he found there and tugged, just hard enough to demand her attention, just gentle enough to weave that submissive headspace around her._

The elevator pinged as it arrived at the ground floor, and Alexis stepped back, suddenly dizzy. She shook her head. "I've got to go."

"Alexis, wait—"

She was already moving through the lobby and out the doors. If she'd had a firmer presence of mind, she would have been proud of the way her feet carried her back to the subway station, through the turnstile, and onto the platform for the train that would take her back to her dad's loft without once getting lost.

But she was too focused on other things. One person in particular.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, ignoring the text from her dad asking about her therapy appointment, and instead pulled up the one-sided text thread buried at the bottom of her inbox.

Since she'd woken up in the hospital, she'd been calling and texting, trying desperately to make contact with the one loose end from that complete shitshow of a case. And despite the consistent silence she'd gotten from the other end, she still typed out a quick message.

 _Why won't you talk to me?_

She stared at the thread, waiting for the three dots to appear.

Nothing.

Just like always.

* * *

Kevin slumped into his desk chair with a defeated sigh. His first conversation with Alexis in well over a month, and it couldn't have gone worse.

"Ryan," another detective said as he approached Kevin's desk.

"Hey, Chang. What's going on?" Kevin asked wearily, his mind still spinning from his encounter with Alexis. Detective Chang was his former handler, and Fenton's keeper. Kevin had never envied the man that particular job, and he was sure that Chang was just as glad to see Fenton out of mileage as Kevin was.

"I've got a question for you."

"Shoot."

"You told me all of Fenton O'Connell's loose ends were tied up."

"They are." He'd spent the last four weeks tying them up himself and then moving onto his new position handling other undercover assets. It was beyond boring, compared to what he'd gotten used to, but it was nice having a personal life again.

"Then who is this?" Chang shoved Fenton's old burner phone into Kevin's hands. A message thread had been pulled up, with the letter "A" standing in for a full name.

 _Alexis._

Alexis had been texting Fenton's burner phone?

The thread had some twenty odd messages, dating back over the last month.

 _I'm in the hospital. I guess your boss did a number on me, but I survived. Are you okay?_

 _Please talk to me, Fenton._

 _I'm really worried about you._

 _I heard the club's shut down and most of the staff have been arrested. Where are you now?_

 _By now I'm sure you know about my involvement in the bust on the club, and I'm sure you're angry with me, but can you please let me know if you're okay?_

Another message popped up on the screen.

 _Why won't you talk to me?_

Realization hit him like a punch to the stomach. All of their conversations, the confusion, the anger, the way she kept brushing him off—suddenly it all made sense. Kevin had thought Alexis was angry with him for not helping her when she'd come to him after Seth had attacked her in the parking garage, but he'd been wrong.

She'd been treating him that way because she didn't remember the truth, because she still thought of him as the ex-boyfriend she'd cheated on, the guy who'd let himself have an emotional relationship with another woman while he and Alexis had still been together.

And, somehow worse, she still thought Fenton O'Connell was a real person.

Kevin dropped the phone on his desk and rested his head in his hands. "Fuck."

* * *

Author's Note: To those of you still with us, thanks for reading! We'll keep posting sporadically until this story is finished.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

Kevin could barely wrap his head around it. Alexis didn't remember the truth. She still thought Fenton O'Connell was real.

"Ryan? You alright?" Chang asked, and Kevin realized the entire time he'd been having a small breakdown he'd had an audience.

He shook himself and sat up. He scooped up the burner phone and backed out of the long thread of messages Alexis had been sending him. "Don't worry about this. I'll take care of it."

Chang's eyes narrowed. "You'll take care of it as in . . . ?"

Kevin huffed out a breath. He probably deserved the distrust, but it still grated on him that his former handler thought he needed to be babysat. "I will follow up on this individual whose connection to Fenton is not pertinent to our assignment," he said emphatically, "and I will let them know that he is no longer available."

After a beat, the other detective smirked. "Fenton's got a girlfriend?"

"Not anymore."

"In that case, it's all yours." Chang patted his shoulder. "And, uh, good luck with that."

"Thanks." He sure as shit was gonna need it

* * *

Kevin slumped down on his couch, almost certain that he would fall asleep without notice. He hadn't been sleeping all that well, so crashing at random times had become a common occurrence. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do for the lack of sleep. He knew what the cause of it was, but there was no way he could fix that, at least not as easily as he would want to.

The first thing he'd done when he'd realized the Alexis didn't know the truth about him, about Fenton and everything that had happened between them during the case, was reach out to try to talk to her, which was about as fruitful for him as it was for her to text Fenton.

So he'd tried giving her space, trusting that an opportunity would present itself before they met with Moreno. Seeing as how she didn't want to talk to him, it was probably the right thing to do, but that didn't mean that he didn't think or worry about her all the time. Sometimes she was all he could think about, and it drove him crazy to not be able to reach out to her, especially as the days dragged on, bringing them closer to their meeting with Moreno.

He'd messed up a lot of things with a lot of people. Going undercover and becoming Fenton, caused him to push everyone away. He couldn't even remember the last time he and Javi had an actual fun time around each other. It just felt like he was always begging Javi for forgiveness and attention.

Kevin hated feeling that way.

One thing he really needed help with was Javi. Trying to restart their friendship didn't come without its challenges. Kevin tried to take that as an opportunity to learn and grow, and Javi was good at letting Kevin remember just how fractured their once fortified friendship was.

Not that Kevin could blame him.

He often wondered why Javi was even willing to try and be friends with him. Kevin had messed up in a pretty spectacular way and if the shoe was on the other foot, he wasn't sure if he'd be so understanding.

All he did know was that Javi was a saint and he was trying his hardest to make sure that he didn't mess up anymore. He'd done enough of that already.

It was time for Kevin to start being the adult he was and to stop trying to blame everything on someone or something else.

Thank God for Gwen. If there was one thing in his life that he had going for him beyond work, it was his family. He'd promised Gwen to make amends for his year of silence, to become the fixture in his family's life that he'd been before he'd let his breakup with Alexis destroy every other good thing. Maybe she'd be able to help him wrap his head around things.

Against his better judgment, Kevin grabbed Fenton's burner phone off of his coffee table and flipped through the message thread. Alexis hadn't stopped texting him. Kevin tried his hardest to just close his eyes and allow himself to crash, leaving everything to worry about it later, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. He had so many unanswered questions.

Why was she texting Fenton? Even if she thought he was real, why would she reach out to him? A criminal? Sure, they had a history, and Fenton had certainly had a soft spot for Alexis, but was that enough for her to worry so much about him? And, less importantly but still an urgent question, which parts of their time together did she remember?

Because Kevin remembered them all. Every lie. Every session. Every last hitch in her breath, every moan and whimper. The ghost of her heated cries still haunted him, slipping into his dreams when he was lucky enough to sleep, ever-present in his waking hours, a curse and a sweet reminder all at once.

Kevin knew that he needed to talk to Alexis as soon as he could, but it couldn't be a conversation over the phone; it needed to be done in person. It wouldn't exactly be easy for him to pull the rug out from under her again, but it needed to be done. He couldn't allow Alexis believe a lie, especially with the meeting coming up. He'd already let her find out the wrong way once, he wasn't going to let it happen again.

Alexis needed to know everything and Kevin couldn't be a coward about it.

He sighed and grabbed his phone to call Javi. Alexis would ignore him, but his other former partner hadn't cut him out so completely.

"Hey," Kevin said. "I know I'm at an all-time low on good will, but I need to ask a favor."

* * *

It was barely lunchtime and already Alexis wasn't having a great day. She'd managed to scrape together a few hours of sleep, but her dreams had been strange and hazy and had left her feeling out of sorts when her alarm had gone off.

Then she'd made it to work to find Detective Collins had dumped the paperwork from the last few cases on her desk. When she'd approached him about it, he'd reminded her that she was their desk jockey and she'd better get used to it or he'd make waves with Internal Affairs about her last case. And while Alexis was certain that Beckett had done things by the book and that Alexis wouldn't still have a job if IA hadn't deemed it so, she didn't want to push her luck.

And now, just as she'd started making progress with the paperwork that would easily eat up days of part-time working hours, Javi was insisting he treat her to lunch. There were food vendor carts and other restaurants scattered around the block, but he insisted on taking to a place across town.

She leaned back in her chair. "I don't have time for that."

"Yes, you do," he said from his own seat on the other side of her desk. "You're part-time."

"You think because I'm part-time I don't have to do my job?" She'd never been under more pressure to do her job well, to make those shortened hours count. Why couldn't he see that?

He shook his head. "That's not what I said." There was a pause as he jiggled his leg in his chair for a half-second, and then he said, "Kevin's been asking about you."

Her eyebrows rose. They almost never talked about Kevin, and if they did, he was a mention in passing, not a subject all his own. "And?"

"Apparently he's been calling. He thinks your phone's broken, seeing as how you're not answering."

She looked down at her paperwork. "I don't have anything to say to him, Javi."

"Nothing at all? Not even to take one phone call? You two have that history—"

"Yes, history. It's in the past. I've moved on." The words felt like a lie, though she couldn't quite figured out why that was. He'd been a huge part of her life for so long, but then after the breakup he'd all but fallen off the map. And now he was back, apparently. Working the same building again, as if the last year had never happened, as if he hadn't moved to Boston to get away from her.

She knew if she pulled up her phone right now, she'd find seven missed calls from him in the last three weeks. A few text messages too. All gently phrased requests for her to talk to him. She just couldn't understand it. He hated her. Had hated her, at least. And rightfully so, considering she'd broken things between them so thoroughly he'd felt had no choice but to skip town.

The look on Javi's face told her he knew she was lying too. "If you've moved on, then why can't you pick up the phone?"

It was the million-dollar question. One Alexis had no problem providing answers for: I've moved on; I don't want him in my life; He represents everything I'm so ashamed of; He's confusing, and I don't want to follow wherever he's leading and end up flat on my face—again. But all the answers she'd managed to scrape together didn't quite sum it up. Didn't account for the flash of memory he'd triggered in the elevator. Didn't include the hazy dreams she had whenever she was lucky enough to sleep, dreams that left her aching and breathless, hungry for something, someone she couldn't have, and drowning in a strange, heady cocktail of longing and anger and panic—for reasons she didn't fully understand.

Of course, the thought of confessing any of this to her partner—whom she'd already put through so much—made her want to curl up in shame. So instead she ignored that million-dollar question and scoffed. "Did he put you up to this?"

"He really wants to talk to you. Just once."

"What could he possibly have to tell me that's so important? He hasn't been in my life in over a year."

"Except for those daily visits in the hospital," he helpfully reminded her. "He didn't miss a day, until you asked him to stop coming."

Another question she didn't have answers for. She frowned. "Fine. I'll call him back."

"You'll talk to him?" he asked. "You'll listen to what he has to say?"

"That's what I just said."

He brightened. "Great. Now how about lunch?"

"This paperwork isn't going to take care of itself. You're sweet, but I'm never going to be taken seriously again if I don't do my job."

He pushed her coat into her arms. "You are doing your job. And you're doing it well. Now it's time for lunch."

She shoved an arm into her coat and grabbed her purse. "What's so special about this place, anyway?"

"You'll find out."

* * *

When they finally arrived at the quiet, hole-in-the-wall restaurant, Alexis turned to find Javier staring at the storefront with an expression she couldn't parse. It was like he was mentally preparing himself for something.

"Are we going to go in or just stare at the place?" she asked.

He sighed and nodded. "You head in. I need to make a quick call."

"Oookay." She reached for the handle, and Javi caught her other arm.

"Hey. Remember, you said you'd listen."

She frowned as a strange sense of foreboding set in. He wouldn't . . . would he? "What's going on?"

"Nothing." He gave her a smile that didn't reach anywhere near his eyes. "I'll be right in."

When Alexis walked through the door of the restaurant and saw Kevin Ryan sitting alone in a booth near the back, she realized she wasn't as surprised as she should have been. Maybe that had been Javi's intent all along.

Their eyes met, and that strange mix of emotions rushed through her again. For one second, she considered leaving. Screw Kevin Ryan and his incomprehensible need to talk to her, and screw Javi for throwing her into this trap.

And then Kevin gave her a small, gentle smile. The same smile he'd given her almost constantly since she'd woken up in the hospital, save for that time at the precinct. So gentle, so respectful, so eager to please.

The Kevin Ryan she'd fallen in love with had been like that, his smartass persona aside. But the Kevin Ryan she'd left in pieces . . .

Maybe he's moved on too. The thought made her want to vomit, and she didn't know why.

So many questions. Maybe she could finally get some answers.

Alexis took a deep breath and crossed the distance to the booth, never once taking her eyes off of the detective she'd been brought here to meet, the man she used to love. She took a seat across from him, but didn't bother taking off her coat. When the waitress came over to take her order, Alexis ordered a black coffee out of politeness and then turned her attention back to Kevin,

"Hi, Alexis," he said softly.

She'd forgotten how easy it was to get lost in those blue eyes, how the care and concern shining in them never failed to make her heart trip over itself. But she steeled herself against her stupid heart and met those endlessly blue eyes with her own. "I'm listening."

* * *

The redhead wasn't happy to be there. And he wasn't particularly excited about the task in front of him either. After Kevin had explained the situation, Javi had said he'd do his best to bring Alexis to meet with Kevin, but only if she agreed to talk to him. Whatever he'd told her, it seemed like it had been enough for him to bring her here, to give Kevin a chance to speak his piece.

He cleared his throat. "We need to talk."

"What about?" Her voice was empty, her expression flat. She seemed just as eager to get this over with as he was. It seemed like she truly did want him out of her life. Well, then this would only help that feeling along.

"I know that I'm far from being a saint," he began, "but I also know that only I can change that, so in order to get myself on a better standing with you, I feel like I need to be completely honest with you. Even if that means you'll be even more upset with me."

Alexis's eyebrows lifted. "Okay?"

Kevin let out a deep breath and decided that instead of just dropping the bomb on her, he needed to lay it all out. After all, the only way for her to make a calculated decision was if she had all the variables.

Kevin ran his hands through his hair. "Alright, well I want you to brace yourself, because what I'm about to tell you might not be something you can handle."

She rolled her eyes. "Can you please stop being so cryptic? If you need to tell me something, just spit it out. I'm a grown woman, Kevin."

"I know you are, but still. It's a lot." He took another deep breath and then started. He talked about his days working in narcotics and going undercover.

"I know how undercover jobs work. We dated while you were in Narco, remember?"

"Right, but I didn't tell you everything. Going undercover meant more than just changing my name. I needed to change almost everything about myself. How I looked, how I talked, and how I reacted. I had to adapt to any situation that was thrown my way. It took dedication and more bravery than I knew I had in me, but I did it because it would help get really horrible people off the streets." His eyes slipped down to the chipped tabletop. "Even if it felt like it cost my soul."

He expected more anger, more derision. Instead, her voice was soft. "That couldn't have been easy."

"It wasn't, but it was my job and as horrible as it could get, I didn't regret it, because at the end of the day I was doing something good."

She leaned in, fiddling with the sugar packets the waitress had given her with her coffee. "And all of this has something to do with me?"

Kevin nodded, biting his bottom lip.

"How?"

"I recently had to go undercover."

"In Boston?"

He shook his head. "No . . . Alexis, I was never in Boston. That was a story to cover up the fact that I was working on an assignment."

"Oh." She sat upright, genuinely surprised, genuinely engaged for the first time since she'd arrived. She seemed to be processing that information against her own faulty recollection. "Wait . . . I thought . . . Did you call me? And you said you were in Boston?" She shut her eyes and rubbed her face. "You said . . . you said, 'I forgive you.'" Her eyes snapped open, confusion warring with other emotions. "Am I remembering that right?"

He sighed. This was already going off the rails. "I think so." He wanted to run away, but he couldn't take the easy way out anymore. He needed to confess to everything and let Alexis do whatever she felt was right. He looked at her one last time, taking in everything he could, because he was almost certain that after he told her everything, it would be a long time before he saw her ever again.

Anger brought color to her cheeks. "But why would you call me and tell me all that if you weren't in Boston? Why did you lie?" She glanced around and lowered her voice. "Is this some kind of sick joke to you? You wanted to screw with me one more time so—"

"My undercover job was at Umbra." He'd blurted the words out before she could storm away without him getting the full truth out, but there was no mistaking them.

She went still. "Umbra. Wait, what are you talking about?"

"I know this is a lot to take in, but you need to know everything." He kept his words measured, calm, ignoring the way his heart was beating so hard he was sure she could hear it across the table.

"You weren't there when I was, were you?" Alexis asked. Then she shook her head. "No, it's not a large venue. We definitely would have bumped into each other at some point. I would have noticed."

Kevin bit his tongue. Rubbing it in Alexis's face wouldn't be the best course of action. "We did bump into each other," he finally conceded. "Several times, actually."

Alexis blinked, but didn't offer any words.

"I looked a little different from how I do now."

"I don't . . . I don't understand."

He took one last deep breath for courage, and then he said, "Fenton O'Connell."

Alexis's eyes widened. "How do you know that name?"

"It was the name that I used while I was undercover at the club."

* * *

Alexis thought she must be hearing wrong, that her brain must be more addled than she'd thought, because there was no way that Kevin Ryan was telling her he'd been undercover as Fenton O'Connell. That they were the same man.

"I-I don't understand," she said again. He explained it again in a rush, but she shook her head, her fingers curling tightly around the edge of the table. "That's not possible. I would have recognized you."

"My own sister didn't recognize me when I tried out the new look." His expression softened. "And you thought I was in Boston, right? It had been a year since we'd seen each other. You had no reason to think I would be there."

But that wasn't quite right. Because she remembered thinking of him when she'd first saw Fenton in that hallway. At the time, she'd passed it off as a coincidence. Now . . . now she knew she should have trusted her instincts. She sank back into the booth as the implications began to set in. All those scenes. All that time they'd spent together. All the different ways he'd touched her—

"Oh my god." She was going to be sick.

"I told myself I was protecting you. It was a mistake, obviously. And I would have told you sooner, but I thought you knew, and—"

This new detail made her press pause on her breakdown. She looked up, her fingers pressed to her lips. She dropped her hand. "What do you mean you thought I knew?"

"You found out the truth. Before you got hurt, you knew who I was."

She blinked rapidly, searching her mind for anything to confirm or deny what he'd said. "When?"

He glanced around, "I um . . . it was at the tail end of our last session."

She stared at him blankly. "When you took me home?"

He shook his head. "Sorry. You don't remember. Obviously." He rubbed his face and apologized again. "It happened after I gave you that collar. Do you . . . do you not remember that session at all?"

He looked as bereft as she felt. "I've been getting . . . flashes." She remembered opening a brown paper-wrapped box and finding that pretty collar inside. Remembered picking out a lingerie set to match. Remembered the pure hunger in Fenton's eyes as he drank her in and then—

Brief images of his mouth, his eyes, her restrained body, his . . . other parts. Words she couldn't quite make out. Sensations too bright and sharp for her to parse. Heat rose in her cheeks. "It was you the whole time?"

He nodded.

"And I knew?"

Another nod.

She didn't know what to think, how to feel. Did it make it better that she'd known before she'd been hurt? Or was the pain this time just as sharp as the last?

She'd been so worried about Fenton, up at night imagining everything from the darkest of scenarios to something as simple as him hating her for not telling him she was a cop. For planting a mic in his office and gathering intel. For using him while he showered her with pleasure, gave her the only release, the few spare moments of happiness that she'd had since before she and Kevin broke up.

Except it had been Kevin all along. Using her too, maybe. Lying to her at the very least.

"How did I respond?" she finally managed to ask. "When I found out the truth?"

"You were furious at me, and rightfully so."

"Did I . . . did we . . ." She couldn't seem to find the words. "We didn't d-do a scene ag-again?" she stammered, her mind so overwrought she felt like she'd gone back a month, back to when it was still an uphill battle to say a complete sentence. There was something pressing on the edges of her mind that she couldn't quantify. Flashes of a memory, maybe.

A hand on a tumbler.

Regret burning down her throat alongside a finger of scotch.

Her hands sliding over his chest, and his resting warm and comforting on her hips.

Her own voice saying, I miss you.

He looked surprised by her question. "No, we didn't."

"D-did I forgive you before M-Moreno . . ."

He sighed. "I don't know. By the end you didn't seem so angry. Things were . . . better. But still a mess. They never stopped being a mess. You finally told me the truth about why you were in the club and then things came to a head with Moreno—and then we almost lost you." His eyes shone with emotion and his throat bobbed. "And, uh, you know the rest."

"Who else knows the truth?" she asked.

"Javi. Morgan. Beckett. Moreno knows some of it. Not all of it, I don't think."

"I was so worried about him. Fenton . . ." She shook herself. "I thought something had happened."

He let out a bitter laugh. "It's tough to kill a cockroach."

Her eyes widened at the pure self-loathing in his tone. "He wasn't . . . you weren't . . ."

"I know what I've done. I'm not here for sympathy. I just needed you to know the truth."

That, at least, she could accept. "And why are you telling me all of this now?"

"Because I wanted you to hear the truth from me. I didn't want you to be blindsided when you saw Moreno again. I know you want to face him, clean this up, and move on. But I know him like I know my own shadow. And the only reason he's agreeing to this deal is because he knows he's caught. He knows he's going down, and he wants to go out swinging."

Her fingertips tapped on the tabletop. "You're trying to protect me again."

"And after all this time, I'm still shit at it."

He flashed her a small, self-deprecating smile, and she felt her own lips tugging up into the ghost of a smile. "Yeah. You really are." She looked back down at the table. Her brain was fried. Her emotions catapulted up and down. For all the sense his confession made, for the desperate relief she felt at finally having some real answers, she couldn't reconcile the hurt, the anger, the devastating loss clawing at her chest.

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. If I could take it all back, I would." He sighed. "All the way back to the day I saw Jenny again."

Something like laughter bubbled up in her chest, and she covered her mouth with her hands to hold it in. Tears burned in her eyes. It was too much. She couldn't face those old wounds, not when she was already bleeding out. She stumbled to her feet, knocking her hip into the table on the way. Her untouched coffee sloshed over the sides of the mug and onto the tabletop. She forced herself to meet his eyes. "C-can I call you?" Her voice broke, and she cleared her throat. "If I have more questions?"

He nodded. "I'll answer. I promise."

She took a step toward the door then spun back to him. The words spilled out of her mouth before she could think twice about them. "I think . . . I might hate you for this," she confessed. "Really hate you." A few tears slipped down her cheeks, and she wiped them away.

He looked like she'd just sucker-punched him, but he nodded again. "I would understand."

She needed to leave, but one last question hung heavy on the tip of her tongue. One final piece she couldn't seem to place. "I thought I missed Fenton, but now . . . Have I just been missing you?"

His eyes widened, and he reached for her. She stepped back, and his hand froze in the air for a beat before falling back into his lap. A crease appeared between his eyes as he shook his head. "I . . . I don't know. Fenton and I—we both—we're not . . ." He swallowed thickly. "I don't know."

She nodded. "Bye, Kevin."

Alexis walked out the door, and she didn't look back.

* * *

She was crying when she got back in the car. The clock on the dash told her it had only been ten minutes since she'd walked in. She felt like she'd aged ten years.

Javi's eyes widened when she slumped into the passenger seat. "Alexis—"

She punched him in the chest. Hard enough that pain lanced up her still-healing arm and she heard the air wheeze out of him. "You're buying lunch." She sniffed. "Every day for the rest of your idiot life."

He coughed and rubbed his chest. "Thanks for not hitting my face, I guess."

"Just get me out of here, Javi." She wiped her face as she looked out the window.

They'd ended up at a bistro on the way back to the precinct, where Alexis ordered the most expensive thing on the modest menu, just to spite her partner, and broke her self-imposed alcohol ban with a glass of red wine that would pair well with her steak au poivre.

Her partner was smart enough to stay quiet and let her process until she'd finished a third of her steak and half her glass of wine. Finally, she set down her utensils and wiped her mouth with her napkin before meeting his eyes. She'd stopped crying on the way back from meeting with Kevin, but she knew her eyes must still be red and swollen. "How could you let me walk into that?"

He set down his croque monsieur, chewing thoughtfully for a moment. "It wasn't my truth to tell. And if you had picked up the phone when he called, neither one of us would be here right now."

"So you're saying this is my fault?"

"You and Kev really have a knack for putting me in impossible situations. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, but neither of you think about that when you rope me into your shit." He sighed and then took a sip of water. "He called me last night and told me that you didn't remember the truth and that you wouldn't talk to him. And he was beside himself that not only did you have to go through this awful thing a second time, but that you might find out from Moreno or Morgan or some other asshole who doesn't care about you."

She frowned. "You want me to give him a medal for showing some basic human decency? For roping you into lying to me to do it? Or, I don't know, maybe the real question I should be asking is how I've made it this long without anyone asking me if I remember doing kinky shit with my ex-boyfriend in disguise?"

A couple nearby frowned at them, and Alexis ducked her head, lowering her voice. "How the hell did this happen?"

"Oh, you're going wide with this." He took her anger in stride. "Fine. The answer was that we had no reason to believe you didn't remember that particular detail. You seemed to remember other things from around that time, from days later, even. You weren't asking about Fenton O'Connell. Your behavior around Kevin seemed on par—"

"You could have asked me!" she leaned in and hissed.

"Sure, maybe. But how do you ask someone if they know what they've forgotten?"

She sat back hard, breathing deeply to control the tidal wave of emotions threatening to wash her away. "I hate this. I hate living like this. I hate my stupid broken brain."

Javier risked her anger by reached across the table and taking her hand. He squeezed it gently. "It'll get better. I promise."

"How can I believe anything you say? You lied to me. I hate it."

"I know."

Her lower lip trembled. "I hate that Kevin lied to me too." She squeezed his hand so tightly she was sure he felt the ache in his bones. "But you know the worst part?"

"That you caught feelings for a guy who doesn't exist?"

She shook her head. "Worse. I hate myself the most. I hate that I did what I did, lying to everyone—you especially—sneaking around, throwing together sloppy police work and calling it justice. I have pushed away every person I loved. Every single one. You, Dad. My friends. And . . . ever since the day I cheated on him, I haven't stopped pushing Kevin away."

"You might have pushed us out, but we never left you. We're still here."

She let his hand go. "I don't deserve that."

"Deserve what?"

"Kindness. Forgiveness," she bit out. The words were like drawing poison from a wound. A deep one that had been left to fester for far too long. "I-I had my chance at happiness, and I threw it away. And I have to learn to live with that."

Javi's expression was soft, sad. "You know, Kevin forgave you a long time ago. And I've forgiven you—even though I'm pretty sure you dented my lung when you punch me." His lips tilted up into a soft smile. "Beckett, she's still gonna make you earn it, but she forgave you. I'm sure your dad forgave you. Maybe you should try going a little easier on yourself for a while. See how it feels."

"Kevin told me that he didn't know if I'd forgiven him. He thought maybe I wasn't so angry after a while. Do you know . . . do you know if that's true?"

"You kept things pretty close to your chest, but it seemed like you two had come to some kind of understanding."

She nodded.

And," he added, "I thought he was going to lose his mind when you got hurt. I've known him for a long time, and I've never seen him so completely shattered."

"So you're saying he cared about me? Even though he lied?"

"I think Kevin has always cared a little too much about you, and you him, even after you broke up last year, and that's what keeps getting you both in trouble."

She opened her mouth to refute that claim, but he cut her off. "My two cents: He deserves a kick where the sun don't shine for lying to you like that, but everything he's done since then, all the strings he pulled on his case to keep you from getting fired, all the visits to the hospital while you were still unconscious, all the meals he brought after, coming clean to you now so you don't hear the truth from anyone but him . . . he's trying to make amends. And that's real. And now it's up to you to decide what you want to do with that."

Alexis looked down at her plate. She didn't have the first fucking clue what to do with Kevin Ryan.

"Javi?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I punched you."

"I forgive you. Now hurry up and eat because Beckett will give us hell for skipping work."

She picked up her utensils and offered him a tired smile. "I forgive you too."

* * *

Later that day, after getting off her shift at the precinct, Alexis went straight to her apartment. Ashley was out on a shoot, but she'd texted him to let him know she was stopping by to look through some of her boxes she hadn't brought with her to her dad and grandmother's loft.

There was one box in particular she was looking for: the one that contained all of the outfits she'd worn to Umbra. And while she found every scrap of lace, every stocking and garter and teddy and push-up bra, the collar was nowhere to be found.

She sat back staring down into the box. Where was her collar? Why wasn't it here with the rest of her club clothing?

Kevin's confession had plagued her mind for the rest of the day, and she'd skipped between fury and heartache more times in the last few hours than she could count. In some ways, it made a terrible sort of sense, like some kind of cosmic joke that the man she'd so thoroughly pushed away was the same man she'd snared into being her Dom. And with 20/20 hindsight she remembered the ultimatums she'd given him in her quest to get intel on the club. She'd known that he cared about her enough to keep here away from sick fucks like Seth and Moreno, and she'd taken advantage of that. In some ways, she'd pushed him into dominating her. She'd lied to him. She'd used him.

And yet, in so many other ways, the truth felt like a betrayal that threatened to rip her open. In so many ways, she grieved a loss she didn't fully understand. Her treasured memories with Fenton were gone, poisoned. And yet she still missed him, still thought endlessly about their scenes—the ones she could remember, at least—and still craved the freedom she'd found in submitting to him.

But not to Fenton. To Kevin. The man she'd loved so much that, when things had gone sideways, she'd broken them both. And then she'd spent the last year punishing herself for it.

God, she needed to find that collar. Needed to hold it in her hands, to feel its comforting weight around her neck. She dug through the box once more, and again, it was nowhere to be found. There was nowhere else in the apartment it could be, could there?

Alexis sighed, resting her head on the box, willing herself to remember what she'd done with it. There were so many missing pieces. She didn't know how she'd ever get them back, if she even wanted them.

Maybe she'd gotten rid of the collar when she'd found out the truth. Her stomach twisted at the thought, but it was possible. But maybe . . . maybe it was still around somewhere. With someone else.

She reached for her phone. She didn't know how to bring this up with Kevin, but he'd told her she could call him, and she needed that collar. She needed some tactile reminder of her time with Fenton, something to ease the need bubbling up just beneath her skin.

Her heart in her throat, she dialed his number.

It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

After what felt like forever, the call went to voicemail. She ended the call and set her phone down, blinking back the tears in her eyes.

She should have known better than to trust a promise from Kevin Ryan.

* * *

Author's Note: Two long updates in the same week! Talk about a January miracle! Thanks for reading, and please review. More soon!


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